Pregnant with twin, husband wants an abortion but I don't

[Whatslifefor]

I have 3 kids from previous relationship, husband has 2 (who don't live with us). We decided we don't want to have more kids, but now I am pregnant I am not sure I want to go through with termination (the last one left me feeling traumatised and guilty). My options at the moment:

1- terminate the pregnancy and resent my husband for it (especially since it's a twin pregnancy)

2- continue with the pregnancy and my husband will resent me for it, or worse leave me and I end up a single mum to 5 kids

So currently, the way I see it, both my options suck for one of us (obviously as a woman I am in more of a disadvantage). Any one was in a similar situation and their marriage survived either decision?

I think you can really lay the law down with your DH due to this and the fact that you struggle with other methods of contraception.

Is there a chance that he might come to accept the pregnancy?

I think this is such a personal decision and there is no right answer. You can only decide for yourself. You might have an abortion and regret it for the rest of your life or you could feel that it was 100% the right decision for you. I would make the decision based on how you feel and not let your husband's opinion affect you. I think his attitude is awful and I am not sure your relationship would survive an abortion in any case.

You know what I meant.

Edit just checked and you are correct. She would get help for one child.

7 seater cars are common.

Because presumably this isn't an IVF pregnancy and the viability of twins is in question at 6 weeks. Vanishing twin syndrome is incredibly common. If it's not and they know the type of twins she's carrying then it gives her a sense of the risk involved, probable complications and the likely effect of those on her family if she did decide to proceed.

What support do you have ie do your parents live locally, would they help you. Ive known two mums with twins and both said without the twins gran helping several days a week life would be very hard/impossible.

Or do you have money for a childminder, nanny or babysitter or friends nearby who would help?

In terms of your relationship it sounds like they'll be resentment anyway and he should have got a vasectomy or used protection. And its your body. So you might as well do what suits you.

She could get her tubes tied too I guess.

You specifically said "she didn't get pregnant", and I think you'll find she did and that's how it works.

I'm sure what you meant was that they were equally responsible, but that isn't what you said. And that would be silly too, because only one is left holding the baby (or not as the case may be) and has a much higher need to take care about not getting pregnant.

How do you know it's a twin pregnancy at 6 weeks?

I could t be with someone who wanted an abortion.

Better to have the love of two twin children than that ghastly man.

Much bigger operation for women, he could have a vasectomy at his GP surgery (if they offered it), it's just local anaesthetic for him, general anaesthetic for her with all the risks that entails

Looking to the future if you’ve got pregnant twice by dh when the responsibility is on him to provide contraception surely it’s likely you’ll just get pregnant again.

Having a termination now is your choice but the problem of more pregnancies isn’t going to go away

Whatever method you were using already failed once, and as a couple you clearly didn't up your game on birth control as it's now failed again. Condoms are pretty reliable, unless that's somehow one of the methods you can't use? Yes, a vasectomy would be one option. But tens of thousands of couples manage with condoms, they're hardly rocket science.

The issue though isn't blame for how you got here as a couple (because conception is not an individual thing, and coercion or deception have not been raised as a concern), but how you manage the situation now that the reality of a pregnancy has caused you to change your previous position on having another child. Either you change your mind again, or he does, or neither of you do - but things will never be quite the same under any of these outcomes.

Problem you have here however. Dh getting the snip only stops him getting her pregnant.

Doesn’t stop a new partner or sadly other unfortunate men getting her pregnant. If a women really doesn’t want more children herself she also needs to take steps herself to make sure she doesn’t.

Just as men who don’t want child should wear condoms / be snipped.

Twins can be detected at that point
Blood tests early on can also detect it

We knew at 8 weeks but we could have been tested sooner.

Yes but we don't generally know that until the first ultrasound scan, which is 10/11 weeks isn't it?

No you can have it earlier from 6 weeks. Plus the blood tests of course

The financial position is very important to the decision making IMO as the existing children shouldn't have to suffer as a result of careless sex.

The 'love is all you need' mantra is bullshit.

I stand corrected 😄

Please call Choices charity to talk through with a professional abortion counsellor.

I am unexpectedly pregnant and husband said he would walk if I kept it. A few weeks late and he has said he couldn’t live with himself if I did this for him and I regretted it forever. I wasn’t sure if keeping the baby was fair on my current children so I toyed with the idea of termination but it was never what I personally wanted.

i did see the dilemma of twins - for me it would be twice as much work to keep them and twice as much guilt to terminate so I understand your dilemma. Sending you tons of love and support. I got lots on here. Please keep posting as you need to talk

Birth control should be the responsibility of both of you not just one! That way situations like this wouldn't arise. There are family planning clinics where either of you could have gone and got free condoms. Your birth control excuse is a poor one in my view. You've been here before, so why didn't you make the effort for it not to happen again?
It aggravates me that for some people, abortion is used as easy as birth control could have been in the first place.
Good luck.

Not defending him but actually, he only has 2 kids not 5. I didn't think marrying automatically gave one parental responsibility?
If OP keeps the twins and they divorce. The split will be , ignoring ex partners.
Joint responsibility: 2
OP alone : 5 (her existing 3 + new twins)
DH: 4 (his existing 2 + twins)

Why didn't you get sterilised

This problem doesn't go away if you have an abortion.

What about the next time?

He needs to suck it up. Or ship out. Regardless of whether you have a termination.