Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

[Smokedicecream]

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun.

We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come.

Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together.

She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

OP, you sound lovely but young and I think could be making a series of mistakes you will bitterly regret.

His mother is AWFUL.
He is a drinker.
From a family of drinkers.

Alcohol is a big deal.
You are not compatible.
He has been dragged up by a controlling heavy drinking cow.

Is this really what you want for your future?
A heavy drinker?
You certainly should not consider having a family EVER with a heavy drinker, from a family of heavy drinkers, whose mother is a complete COW.

You will bitterly regret it.

You made a huge mistake going on holiday with her.

Wake up and think about your future.
It looks awful with him.

So if you have kids, he’ll be the one out drinking, you’ll be the one dealing with the kids every weekend morning because he’s hungover?

Block his mother, why on earth does she have your number? My mil never had my number the whole time she was alive, can’t imagine why she’d need it. Quite handy that she’s messaged, tho, gives you proof that she’s done so and means you never have to go on holiday with her again, given how unhappy she was, result! Madness to go with her in the first place, she’s been a horror to you.

Your heavy drinking, self centred "MIL" will have bored the arses off all her decent friends if she ever had any. She's probably got some "very beshtesht" bar buddies but they'd much rather be down the pub every night than go on holiday - with anyone.
So her equally booze addicted family is particularly important to her socially. The ex was on the same alcoholic wavelength so was treated as part of the clan whereas she sees you as a threat to her support system.
Don't reply to her. She doesn't deserve your sympathy and is probably hoping to provoke you into a row so she can go crying to her son.
I hope your boyfriend can talk some sense into her but he's up against the bottle so the very best of luck to him.

Reply, assuring her that her not wanting to join in with activities didn’t spoil your holiday at all, and apologies are unnecessary!

@Smokedicecream it sounds like you made a real effort to include her and she didn’t want to do the things you were doing. I think you’re right to wait for DP so you can compose a joint reply if need be. If she didn’t want to join in your activities that’s on her. As others have said, you could say “we did invite you to join in with us but your preference was to sunbathe/have pool time - I’m sorry if it didn’t work for you but why on earth didn’t you suggest something you did want to do at the time?” But definitely wait for DP. She obviously doesn’t like your influence as you don’t fit her stereotype which is more like ‘his’ family dynamic but as long as DP is happy and you’re polite to her, that’s all she can expect. Such a shame as you have made an effort.

Was she just a discount voucher to you??? . She’s older and has different tastes for leisure. Her emails were confiding in you abd trying to make a relationship that you seemed to neglect an opportunity to do on your joint holiday? maybe she was being sensitive not muscling in on your days together or demanding you stayed with her - but expected or hoped for drinks and dinners at the end of your different days? Did you make any effort to get to know her? If you and her son do make a life together you need to maybe think about whether you really want to blow her off rather than make a relationship???

Fuck. That. Shit.

She sounds vile.

RTFT

Did the mother find the thread? You sound like you might be her.

Why on earth would you want to make lots of effort with someone who’s always treated you like shit?

And OP and her DP DID offer to do things with her. She CHOSE not to take them up on it. Why should they do what she wants all day every day? She made zero effort to do anything they suggested, despite them making an effort to sit with her for a while some days.

She’s lucky OP even agreed to go on holiday with the nasty witch.

But they did have dinner with her every evening.....its prefectly normal and acceptable to retire at 11pm......the extra hours drinking after that sound problematic.....and impacted her ability not to join in on any excursions with the OP in the daytime as she was nursing a hangover / sunbathing.

Very odd that you suggest that she chose to confide in her by email - why would she do this when all of her previous behaviours to the OP were vile?

The OP has every reason to be alarmed by this character.

Just say you are sorry to hear she felt like that with a couple of kisses and leave it at that.

I think she has been very unreasonable and immature to text you that. You can’t fix this for her. It’s her own issue. What on earth did she expect you both to do to stop her feeling that way?

Nothing to apologize for, she did what she wanted to do and you-did-you. Did you still had meals together? Share an appartment maybe? Then I don't see a problem, except for the expectations of your partner's mother. Understand that spending the day sunbathing by the pool doesn't equate " spending quality time together" either.

No update yet !

His mother sounds unreasonable and unpleasant. Don’t apologize, don’t humour her and don’t give her the benefit of the doubt again.

Please disregard my previous response. I have now read your updates (I should have done that before responding). She is not worth a reply from you. Just let your partner deal with her.

She is being an arsehole. You did try to include her and she did not want not want to know. You have nothing to apologise for. She was being entitled, selfish and petty and is continuing this behaviour. She owes you an apology if anything and stop giving you shit. Tell your partner.

Your BF needs to talk to his mum and tell her straight that contacting you regards any perceived holiday disappointment or comparing you to his ex is not on. Also, that she needs to stop seeing you as the problem. He has made his choice and if she can't accept that she is on a fast track to seeing very little of him. Get him to support you or reconsider your relationship. If you end up long term/with kids and he doesn't stand up to her your life will be hell. She sounds awfully immature.

Yes, good response. Just being friendly and sympathetic, it doesn't need to be about blame, apologising etc. She texted you, perhaps reaching out woman to to woman, if she'd wanted to text her son she could have. It's not about you, what you did or didn't do, it's about her sadness.

It's not about you, what you did or didn't do, it's about her sadness.

It is about the OP tho, as the MIL has targeted her repeatedly and continuosly with malicious bullying stunts. This is just another - disguised in a velvet glove.

Keep yourself out of punching distance from this bitter drunk - 'poor me, poor me, pour me another'........if she is lonely its because everyone else swerves the tedious, offensive, bore. You reep what you sow. She will not mellow - she will get worse with age.

Even if it sounded like your partner had your back, i'd say you should think very carefully about how much you love him, because this relationship is going to be full of problems to do with his mother and his wider family.

BUT - it doesn't even sound as if, even in this 'honeymoon' bit of the relationship when the sun is meant to be shinning out of your arse for him, he's putting you first. The drinking, the staying up late with his mother (drinking), the acceptance of her flaunting the ex in your face in various ways .... you aren't no.1. Sorry.

Chuck him back OP. Seriously. It's not looking good. There's plenty of better fish in the sea.

Hi op,

don’t answer his mother. It is a golden rule 👌🏼

ignore, ignore, ignore.

if she mentions it : » oh I thought dp answered you? » answer will be yes. Leave it at that.

Good luck 👌🏼🌺

Jesus Christ. She and the rest of his family sound boring as fuck.

Actually, all fair points. I made the mistake of posting in a rush before I'd read all OP's posts, lesson learnt. Her DP's mum does sound to be a manipulative nightmare

If I was the Mum and my son and girlfriend of just over a year were on holiday I would completely expect they would have far more fun things to do together! Go and enjoy yourselves, see you at mealtimes maybe lol 😆 I would like to go on some of their trips but appreciate they want to be just together. X

Thanks so much for all of the replies. I didn’t end up responding to her text. I spoke to DP about it when he got home. The problem is, the way he deals with her is just to ignore her and tells me to do the same. His suggestion was just to completely ignore her and neither of us respond but I wasn’t comfortable with that. So he rang her and asked her what the text was about. Amongst other things, she said that I could have made more of an effort to stay up and have fun and that there was one day in particular when it rained so we went to a spa indoors and had a massage and used the sauna etc and she felt really upset because she was just sat in the hotel lobby on her own reading her book and she felt like we intentionally left her out and didn’t give her a thought. I would understand this if we didn’t invite her to stuff but we did! DP said you could’ve come with us at any point but she said they were all things that she hates doing and wasn’t comfortable with so didn’t want to do it for the sake of being together. And rather than consider her we were just like “okay bye!”

I ended up piping up and just saying it’s clear that we have different holidaying tastes and this wasn’t done maliciously at all. However she carried on arguing so I just left the room and let DP deal with it.