Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

[Smokedicecream]

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun.

We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come.

Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together.

She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

Not "I'm sorry", "it's a shame..." is much better.

Yes, exactly this.

I would be rethinking this relationship OP. Do you really want to deal with this if you get engaged, get married, have kids, her interfering at every happy occasion. She seems the type to bring the ex as her plus-one to your wedding.

I wouldn't be replying to anything from her, she will twist any response to blame you. This is the point in the relationship where you will really see what your BF is made of, will he stand up for you and shut down all his mother's nonsense or will he expect you to sweep it all under the rug and appease her. Think very carefully about your future here.

Just say I'm sorry you felt like that, if you feel lonely should we try and find you someone bob her on a dating app and hide in the background of the date place if she wants you to and maybe take her out for drinks to find someone then she will find someone and then she will be off on her holibobs with them and then 2 to can have a hoilday that youl enjoy 😉 and you will be the best dil ever 🥳

She needs a boyfriend or friends

This is a perfect opportunity for you to take a step back and see what you're in for. This was a very unreasonable ask in the first place. Who goes along with a couple for a holiday? Secondly the fact that she tried to guilt you into sitting around with her and your BF entertained this is a flag. Lastly, she text you very out of order to complain about this would have me fuming.
The way your Bf deals with this will tell you what to expect in your relationship. Don't explain yourself to her or even apologise, that will set the tone of your relationship with her and she will think she can get away with stuff like this.

Don't say 'sorry' because as soon as you do you're implying that you've done something wrong. You haven't.

I would reply,
"Hi (mil), I'll discuss the points you raised with (dp) later this evening. xx"

Polite, good-natured and dropping her right in it with her son who she ought to be discussing this with in the first place.
She's trying to make you the baddie. Don't let her. Pass the buck to him.

The mistake you made was going on holiday when she treats you so badly! For people like her, this only gives them permission to carry on.

This so interesting. What do you mean by his ex was similar to his mum and that you’re the opposite? As in personality or looks?

She’s just trying to start drama to get you out of the picture.

I’d reply ‘This is for you and X to discuss, I’ve shown him your text’

then send him a screenshot and ask if he can reply as you don’t want to get involved.

Oh and I bet she was a nightmare for the Ex too, just in a sickly sweet way. She sounds like she has no boundaries and is an awful person.

I find it a bit weird that he stayed up with her “for a few hours” after you went to bed at 11?! Does he struggle saying no to her? Did he ever come up to bed with you? That would have creeped me out to be honest.

I think you could reply now so there's not an awkward silence for most of the day. Something like:
"Hi MIL, just wanted to let you know I've received your texts. Thanks for letting me know how you feel. I'll give it some thought and have a chat with DP later and we'll get back to you."
And then I think it is up to him to sort it but you'd be taking the high road and being super polite but not really engaging. Seems like she just wants to be heard and is attention seeking.
Her behaviour at the beginning of your relationship is just objectively horrendous and unfortunately I don't think this is going to be the last bit of trouble she gives you. DP needs to take responsibility.

Oh god she sounds nuts. It really won’t ever get any better. Everything will always be your fault and if you don’t pander to her every whim you’ll be the evil daughter in law who stopped her son from marrying the wonderful ex. Never go on holiday with her again obviously but you do have to imagine if your relationship gets more serious and there are children involved etc what would happen.

On second thoughts, perhaps "Thanks for letting me know how you feel" invites similar messages in future. Maybe just skip that, would make for a more concise message anyway.

Have you ever had any normal interactions with her? Or was it very weird, followed by no contact, followed by weird?

Honestly, is your boyfriend all that? How did he deal with the party incident? Was he firm with her? Was he a wet lettuce with her?

Are you ready for a lifetime of this?

This is such good advice.
The other good advice is avoid, avoid avoid. And if you bf doesn´t have your back, avoid him too, permanently.

‘Barbara, we’ll need to go on Tinder and get you a man who likes lying by pools and drinking heavily. That’ll cheer you right up. Clearly we are not suitable holiday companions.’

Maybe not that, but you do need to respond in a way that is very clear that you’re not there to take her shit AND you’re not the person to go to because she wants a moan. You need to assert your boundaries and control or this woman will cause you years of problems.

Are they both drinkers?

Why did the ex and your DP breakup?

I've seen your updates about dp's ex and his dm's obsession with her.
I can't stand this selfish attitude to ex's of DC.
My son is mid 20s, two long term relationships where I've loved his ex's , welcomed them into the family etc
I mourned when they split up but I've never once imagined those women were there for me. My relationship with them was waaay secondary to my ds and them.

She sounds hard work tbh!

Are you sure she is angry with you, op? She could just be expressing how the holiday highlighted her alone-ness. If she cannot express that to your partner and you, who can she talk to?

Please don't take it personally. You did your best and no doubt got together for a meal in the evening. It looked as though she was content to relax by the pool and read.

Being alone does not necessarily equate to loneliness, that is a state of mind that anyone can have, even with people around them.

It takes time to adjust to being on your own, some manage it better than others - some like it.

Whatever, you can only do so much. It's up to her to connect with others socially. She goes to work and has a job where she must be in contact with loads of people.

Just be nice, kind and supportive where needed. She knows what she has to do and you cannot do any more.

I wondered if mother and son have an alcohol problem too. Why was she so keen for you to stay up beyond 11pm and her wanting her son to stay up with her rather than be with his girlfriend is an odd move as well.

I'd pass this one on to your DP Op, no matter what you say I have a feeling you'll be in the wrong. Sadly his DM just preferred his Ex and she's not being very subtle about it. The holiday was a mistake I'm afraid, going on holiday with a couple, family or not, will always mean someone feels left out unless you do everything together. I wonder how involved your Dps Mum was in their relationship, did she go out with them much so they were her social life too?

The way your DP has treated you across many incidents is disgraceful.

He has never had your back - he is happy to throw you under the bus to save his own personal discomfort which would involve expressing a reasonable, moral and assertive boundary.

This tells me a lot about his lack of charcacter - she is way out of line and he is happy to stand back and let her bully, harass and undermmine you.

Do you even share the same values? Reflect and examine his actions (inaction is a choice), to date, not his words.

This is having a compounding effect on you as your DP does not protect you time after time. It will only get worse as she ages.

I am going to reply to all of these questions once I finish work but yes they are drinkers and I’m not. Especially her. One of the issues when we got together was that I was changing him because he liked a drink and I was “making him” stay in on a weekend or do nice things like meals and different day time activities instead of just going to the pub every weekend!!

My husband and I went away with my elderly father after my mum died. He was happy to do his own thing during the day and us meet up on evenings as we're quite active on holiday. Some of the days we did things together or my husband went for a cycle and I went for a walk with dad. thankfully he doesn't spend all day sunbathing and doesn't drink. He was happy to entertain himself though and not wanting to stay up all night and had his own apartment so we (and he) had some space.