Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

[Smokedicecream]

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun.

We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come.

Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together.

She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship? I think his mother has tremendous control over him and is going to be a nightmare in future years. You've only been with him a short time and she is already coming on holiday with you. That really isn't usual. I wonder whether your boyfriend will revert back to his family type in later years.

I don’t want his mum to spoil the relationship. However I do have my doubts. But there’s so many good parts to the relationship. The only problem with the actual relationship is that he drinks a bit more than I’d like. His family encourage it, it’s very weird. I’m not sure why anyone would actively WANT their son to drink so much to the point that they get annoyed, confused and disappointed when he can’t drink with his Sunday roast because he’s driving home 😳 one of the reasons his mum didn’t like me at the start was because she thought I was going to stop him from going out every weekend. She sees that as the ultimate idea of a good time and can’t fathom that he did that when he was single but now he doesn’t want to as much because we do other fun things together instead.

Anyway, that’s obviously not what this thread is about. It’s about the holiday thing. But I can’t help going on a rant when I talk about her.

And yet she expected you to “do things you weren’t comfortable with just to be together”! What a piece of work she is 🙄

I like this 👍 but things have moved on. Have a look at the OPs updates.

Yes there is

Oh, did she drip-feed? Can’t be doing with that.

"Anyway, that’s obviously not what this thread is about."

It is though. He is a problematic drinker. Look at HIS actions - not theirs.

Why would you focus on this.....

"WANT their son to drink so much to the point that they get annoyed, confused and disappointed when he can’t drink with his Sunday roast because he’s driving home"

And not look closer to how HIS choices and actions cause you to argue repeatedly re drinking at Sunday roast? YOU must be "annoyed, confused and disappointed". They are not holding him to the ground and force feeding him alcohol ..... he is choosing to fight with you so that he can continue to drink. Soon you will hyper-vigilent monitoring his intake and he will call you the nag.

Well done for not gtting embroiled with his DM - but he didnt tell her to back off - hes just trying to appease her OVER you.

Honestly you and your future babies deserve so much more than being enmeshed in this emotionally harmful alcoholic family. Anyone can do better than this.

No, she updated 🙄

I won’t be having children, but you’re still right and I understand what you’re saying. My mum agrees with you because when she had me she split up with my dad because he was in the pub all the time and chose drinking over me and over being a family. And she said she can see the same thing happening. Although, he doesn’t really do that in any other situation. Like he doesn’t actually go out that much anymore, he just goes out on a Friday night after work. But whenever his family are involved it’s like he can’t say no to his mum

His DM drinks a lot and she wants you to join in so she feels it's normal Op. Your refusal to stay up late drinking shines a light on her problem and your DP wants to handle the problem by ignoring it. Be careful Op, this will be a bigger issue as time goes on and you'll be the one who gets the blame

I think you've hit the nail on the head

I posted a comment earlier but in view of more recent information I think it’s a different issue now.
My mum’s mother was an alcoholic. My mum absolutely hated it, couldn’t tolerate alcohol, and didn’t like being around drunk people either.
Her younger brother was in a serious accident aged 32. He moved back in with the mother. He became her drinking pet. She didn’t care that he had a brain injury either.
He died within two years and it was the alcohol which killed him. It then killed her. She took no responsibility for any of it.
If you marry into this type of family and your spouse stays embedded in it, it’s hard to escape.

Listen to your Mum.

She knows you, loves you and wants whats best for you. It was brave of her to speak out.

He must be showing enough behaviours for her to notice and raise it with you.

I wish mine had told me what she could see from her position of life exprience in middle age rather than leave me with my unconscious denial and rose tinted glasses. I cant tell you how grim it gets. Even if your OH goes teetotal he has two aging alcoholics on his hands to manage - their rapidly declining physical health, mental health and chaotic lifestyle. They may be 'functional' right now but the wheels soon start falling off and his spare time will be spent dealing with crisis after crisis. At any event you will be hypervigilent as their behaviour will be shameful - this is no way to live.

Its also not just the chemical impact of the alcohol on the individual its the bitter, nasty, manipulative personality that is present 24/7 (arguably worse when 'not drinking' ie hungover) and that is always in need of a target to discharge on.

Dont let it be you.

This woman sounds awful. I wouldn’t spend anytime in her company.

Why do you feel the need to apologise she's a grown woman who clearly acted brattish she obviously needs to find some groups that she can holiday with or go out with and sounds like she's missing that wanted feeling, some mothers just find a way to know how to switch the emotions and its not fair that this is reflecting on you thus why send you those type of messages surely seems she's very insecure and misses being young maybe suggest to her she having a mid life crisis and suggest to venture online at sites based on other lonely adults wanting friendship walks holidays there are websites designed for that and not all for just dating don't you feel you need to go out your way for a stroppy mother who was included in everything and wanted no part if it was me I'd say you ruined it for yourself most part and that your sorry she feels this way maybe also suggest the threesome holidays is a no go in future to save this very embarrassing for her situation

I wouldn't send him the texts, show him them later. Sending them makes a bigger deal of it. Say, l think we've upset your mum. Can you have a word. Or something like that. But as everyone else is saying, you've done nothing wrong. Poolside holidays are boring, imo. You gave her every chance to join you.

This

Did your partner used to go on his own with his mum before you came along?

It sounds like she's upset that she didn't spend enough time with him, not necessarily you as a couple.

Maybe this is what she is looking for, just empathy? Depends on the kind ofnperson she is, but she may just be confiding on you, rather than angry or blaming you or wanting you to apologise?

Welcome to your future wife !

I see this as wishful thinking post holiday,it was lovely but would be better if I had my own company while you had fun,don't be surprised if she does go and do this her boy has a girl of his own now time to get on with her own life.

Exactly this. She's lonely. Don't stick the boot in. If she's starts being unreasonable, then you may have to get firmer with her.

Oh come on. You can't possibly say that from the snippets of info on a thread. Have some empathy for a lonely older woman.

I am in rather parallel, if somewhat odd situation.

I live with a couple and their daughter. I am older than the couple

They take me with them on most if not all their trips and holidays.

I am grateful and I fit in. That's the only way to be.

He's probably fine as a boyfriend but not an ideal father for your kids. He himself might be, but the in law package would be hard work. You'd never want to leave the baby around drinkers.

So maybe think about that depending on your age and stage of life.