Boyfriends mum is upset that DP and I didn’t spend enough time with her on holiday

[Smokedicecream]

I have been with my partner for just over a year now, we are in our late 20s. She works for a travel agents so gets quite a big discount on some holidays. She said she wanted to go on holiday with us. I had my doubts because I didn’t know if it would be awkward, we aren’t particularly close. But DP thought it would be fun.

We went on holiday and she’s a big sunbather, she just wanted to lie around sunbathing and reading books, which is totally fine! No issue with it. But we like to go exploring and go to the beach and water parks etc. we asked her if she wanted to join us but she said no every time. Some days we did stay with her because at the end of the day, we were on holiday together and didn’t want her to just feel like she was on a solo holiday. But we get bored and antsy just sat around all day so would go and do thing. Even if it was just for a little walk to explore a bit, she didn’t want to come.

Now that we are back she has expressed to me that she felt very lonely and sad on the holiday and also made her realise that she is lonely in general because seeing myself and DP together and holding hands and laughing together etc made her upset. I think she felt a bit like a third wheel which we didn’t mean to do. We don’t do PDA, have never kissed or cuddled or acted inappropriate in public. But I think it just reaffirmed to her that she is alone, seeing us two enjoy a holiday together.

She seems to be expecting some kind of apology, she is acting angry with me (not sure why it’s just me) and saying she felt left out. She has expressed all of this to me via text and I haven’t responded yet. Am I the unreasonable one here? I just feel like, she went on holiday with a couple, didn’t want to do anything with us other than lie by the pool and is now upset about. But I don’t know how that’s my fault? I also paid for the holiday with my money and didn’t want to just hang around the hotel all day

but yes they are drinkers and I’m not.

You need to leave this relationship because the problematic drinking is already embedded. She is only worse because she is older.

He seems to take every opportunity to drink heavily when he can.

I have lived this life with alcoholic inlaws (they are nasty and bitter 24/7 due to hangovers) and an alcoholic OH. Its harder to see it as 'problematic' in a twenty year old.

But his actions were to choose alcohol over going to bed with you. Know that.

She sounds very tricky to deal with so don't agree to a joint holiday ever again, it's not worth the discount! She's ridiculous for commenting to you like that. Even if you all got on like a house on fire it seems you want a totally different kind of holiday to her.
Your DP needs to speak to his mum and you need to tread carefully with her in future. Don't apologise - at best say "it's a shame...blah blah" but don't get into it with her. Speak to your DP first whatever you do.

Personality

So he usually does stay up quite late, he is a bit of a night owl. Whereas I’m not. We go to bed separately at home too, so I don’t really mind this. I prefer it so that I can get to sleep before he starts snoring. Usually when we are on holiday we do go up together, but I think seeing as she was staying up he decided he would join her. I think he does struggle to say no to her tbh. She is very controlling and he’s grown up with it so he is used to her and don’t think he realises how manipulative and overbearing she is

We have had normal interaction but honestly I just try to ignore her and tolerate her for the sake of DP. She is too much and tries to get too involved in our lives

So, what are you going to do?

the whole family are drinkers. It kind of annoys me, whenever he visits them they give him alcohol. Even if he just pops round to drop something off, he will leave with a bottle of alcohol. I have no idea why. He doesn’t ask for it, I’ve been there loads of times. They’ll be like “oh before you go, here take this” his parents are separated but they’re both like that. If we go round to theirs for Sunday dinner we have to spend money on taxis because his mum will get annoyed if he says he will drive, because that means he can’t drink. I have said it’s Sunday dinner! Why do you need to drink with a Sunday dinner?! I can drive now so I do the driving but it’s caused arguments when we have been expected to spend £20 both ways on taxis when he could’ve just not drank with his roast. It’s like it’s impossible for them to do anything at all without drinking involved

Bloody hell I could not live with that! Why can't he make his own decisions about his life? Argh I'm pissed off on your behalf just reading about them

It’s like it’s impossible for them to do anything at all without drinking involved

Including your DP. His whole environment normalises problematic drinking.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease - as I said harder to see in a 20 year old - totally grim in a 30/40 year old trying to manage a young family.

AA define alcoholism (call it problematic drinking if thats more comfortable for you) - as not what, when, how much etc - but the impact on relationships = you are arguing over it already.

I don't have any issues with booze and people drinking but this would annoy me. I'd be thinking about whether this is what I want long term.

Tell her to get on the dating apps..

Dating is to see if you're compatible, including family dynamics.

He doesn't know any better as that's all he's known.
Question is, are you willing to accept him as he is?
You can't change a man. You can make him suppress his true self, but it will come out eventually.

My mum was an alcoholic and she would try to ply everyone with a drink to normalise her own drinking, I had lots of arguments with her when I refused because without anyone drinking with with her being ‘sociable’ highlighted her addiction which of course she hated.

Tell her to text her son.

Heavy drinkers like company and this one sounds like her son’s every night wasn’t quite enough. Why she wanted you to be around when she displays she doesn’t approve of you I’ve no idea.
She sounds truly awful.
As for her son you are probably a bright spot on his horizon, showing him a different side to life he is clearly enjoying.

As for her son you are probably a bright spot on his horizon, showing him a different side to life he is clearly enjoying.

Disagree.

You are not enough for him to protect and defend you against his mother.

You are not enough for him to compete with the booze and come to bed on holiday.

You are not enough for him to adapt his behaviour on a Sunday afternoon and not drink.

Why she wanted you to be around when she displays she doesn’t approve of you I’ve no idea.

She didnt want her around - she just wants to belittle and attack her.

Take yourself out of punching distance OP. Avoid all situations where alcohol is involved (although saying that these types are often even nastier with a hangover).

It's nice for people to do their own thing on holiday but meet up again in the evening for dinner. Did you invite her to dinner? Or did she eat alone some evenings?

Fair play to you for not immediately responding with.."let me guess, it would have been so much better if Judy was there!"

She's never going to change. You need to decide whether you love him enough to tolerate her. I wouldn't be able to.

Wow, she sounds a peach!

Well I assume she has shot herself in the foot for future holidays.

How often do you see her, does she live locally? Im amazed you have anything to do with her

I think by walking out after she had been awful to you at his birthday party you’ve shown her you wont be disrespected, when you were both invited round and found his ex there you both left so I think your bf is waking up to his mum’s behaviour. She texted you to get a reaction but you didn’t text back …… Bravo! You have boundaries and leaving when someone is nasty or being disrespectful protects you from someone trampling over you, your bf has the choice of having your back or appeasing his mum, either way you stand up for yourself and leave no matter what action your bf takes. You know now to be on your guard with her as she has shown you her true nature numerous times.

Oh dear, she really resents you doesn't she.
At first I felt quite sorry for her thinking that she was badly missing being part of a couple, but it sounds more complicated.
You are incompatible with your potential MIL!!!!! But hopefully not with your DP.

Sitting around a pool all day in the sun would be my idea if hell!

"You need to decide whether you love him enough to tolerate him"

Its his behaviour that is repeatedly off.

If he left with you at 11pm would you be happier?

If he intervened when his DM invited the x to his party - to show some respect to you - would you be happier?

If he agreed to not drink and then drive to the Sunday roasts - would you be happier?

Dont get triangulated into mis-directing your disappointment to his DM.

He is not collaborating with you. They are an alcoholic family and he is a key gear in the system.

Having read all your updates it seems like someone trying to start drama.
I would reply something very generic like 'its a shame you felt so lonely. Hope you feel back to normal now'