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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy ignoring me

289 replies

YourTealMaker · 14/11/2024 09:24

Hey, I have been talking with someone for around a month, he has been the sweetest person ever & made me so very happy! - however for the past week he has rarely popped up to my messages.
we got into a heated argument when he was drunk & he called me a slag & ugly & to look at the state of my self. Accused me of having a boyfriend ect … he didn’t speak to me the day after this & then he messaged me basically saying that the truth comes out when you’re drunk. I have tried to speak to him but he has been very blunt, I asked him if he wants to meet Friday to talk. He said he will pay for a hotel if I choose one but he isn’t inviting me to his because he said “ I am fragile” and I need something from him that he can’t give at the moment (not sure what this means) i really like him but I don’t think he feels the same way

OP posts:
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Eightdayz · 14/11/2024 10:01

You're coming across super needy in your "for context" update tbh

The13thFairy · 14/11/2024 10:01

I have this theory that the only feelings, emotions etc we feel are our own. We don't fall in love with someone else so much as we fall in love with ourselves under the influence of / in proximity to / when we think about / are around the other person. "When I am with Joe I feel beautiful/ /clever / funny / engaging / tended to / sexy/ fascinating / buoyant ~ and I love feeling like this." This is what we call being in love with someone, if all goes well. But sometimes when we around Joe we feel ignored / disrespected / miserable / on tenterhooks / abandoned / frightened ~ and we love feeling like this, and we say we are in love with the person who causes these feelings in us. Op, I feel you are quite young, and you have learned to love those who hurt you. You can unlearn this, though. Look online for The Freedom Programme. There is a life where you don't need to be shat on from a great height in order to feel ok. Please take steps, baby steps at first if that's what you need, and move towards that life. All the best.

JWKD · 14/11/2024 10:01

You need to get away from this scumbag. The fact that you can't get him out of your head doesn't alter the fact that he is abusive. Just don't get involved. He will destroy your life.

HappyFitnessQueen · 14/11/2024 10:03

You need to do some work on yourself. Step away now and get some self-respect. He's telling you what he is - don't ignore it.

twentysevendresses · 14/11/2024 10:04

Oh my! Girl you need some serious boundaries!!!! 🤦‍♀️😱🫨

Goldengirl123 · 14/11/2024 10:04

He is going to use you for sec and you must see that you bare worth more than that? You are opening yourself up to more abuse. Please please just block him

CRCGran · 14/11/2024 10:08

You've just left an abusive relationship... and you are desperate to enter into another one ???? This guy is seriously abusive. He's vile. He will never be anything else. He will always be an abuser. For goodness sake, run for your life, or you'll be on here again a year from now saying "I've just left an abusive relationship" !!!!

TheTruthICantSay · 14/11/2024 10:09

Bloody hell OP. He is being completely clear that he is not interested in you at all. He just wants sex. And you are practically begging him to love you. Which is a huge red flag too - you've met him ONCE.

Meanwhile, he has called you names and used verbally abusive language.

YOu need to put down the snapchat and stop dating. Your previous relatioship has clearly made you unable to see what is normal and appropriate. YOu need a break from dating and time to establish who you are and why you accept behaviour like this.

Original poster
YourTealMaker · 14/11/2024 10:09

He was putting love you to me on messages, telling me he wants to make me his girlfriend, calling me his “girl” he would sit and speak to me for hours & let me know that he will always be there for me and that I can tell him anything. I don’t really open up much so I did start to open up to him, which made me emotional , he then sent me a voice note the next day basically mocking the way I was crying & then saying that he’s had it 10x worse than me - that I have no reason to even be crying about anything ect ect

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 14/11/2024 10:09

He’s basically told you it’s just sex, open your eyes and ears to what he is saying.

he doesn’t like you the way you like him.

CookieMonster28 · 14/11/2024 10:10

Please look at Lalalaletmeexplain on Instagram - she gives lots of good dating and relationship advice x

CrispyCrumpets · 14/11/2024 10:10

Someone who gets drunk and verbally abuses you is really not a good catch.

BleekHaus · 14/11/2024 10:11

Why are you still pursuing this when he called you ugly and a slag and told you to take a look at yourself?

Catza · 14/11/2024 10:11

YourTealMaker · 14/11/2024 10:09

He was putting love you to me on messages, telling me he wants to make me his girlfriend, calling me his “girl” he would sit and speak to me for hours & let me know that he will always be there for me and that I can tell him anything. I don’t really open up much so I did start to open up to him, which made me emotional , he then sent me a voice note the next day basically mocking the way I was crying & then saying that he’s had it 10x worse than me - that I have no reason to even be crying about anything ect ect

All more reasons to bin him, surely

gamerchick · 14/11/2024 10:11

Dude, this one is a none starter. You shouldn't be having blazing rows and wanting to meet to talk after a month. That's not even thinking about the names he's called you.

Stop contacting him and move on.

JWKD · 14/11/2024 10:13

Block him. He is abusive, doesn't respect you, and doesn't love you. It's not hard to put hearts in a message.

Original poster
YourTealMaker · 14/11/2024 10:14

I have blocked him before but he just starts ringing my phone out instead- I’m coming across as needy now but last week he wanted to give me the world and now all of sudden I mean nothing I just don’t understand the change all of a suden

OP posts:
BodyKeepingScore · 14/11/2024 10:14

YourTealMaker · 14/11/2024 10:09

He was putting love you to me on messages, telling me he wants to make me his girlfriend, calling me his “girl” he would sit and speak to me for hours & let me know that he will always be there for me and that I can tell him anything. I don’t really open up much so I did start to open up to him, which made me emotional , he then sent me a voice note the next day basically mocking the way I was crying & then saying that he’s had it 10x worse than me - that I have no reason to even be crying about anything ect ect

It's been four weeks of texts and ONE meeting. Put this in perspective. He doesn't have feelings for you, he's telling you that outright and you're still chasing him...

smallsilvercloud · 14/11/2024 10:14

He only wants to use you for sex, he doesn't want a relationship with you, if you meet him, you can bet you'll only hear from him when he wants to shag, he's incredibly mean to you, he really doesn't like you and most probably mean women in general.
Best thing to do is block him and get on with your life and raise your raise esteem, to believe you are worth better than this, or you will regret it.

ThianWinter · 14/11/2024 10:15

He’s a creep and a loser who has told you quite clearly you’re nothing more than a shag to him. Stop boosting his pathetic ego and cease all contact, for your own sake.

gamerchick · 14/11/2024 10:16

YourTealMaker · 14/11/2024 09:54

* for context **

He's literally told you you're just a shag and you're begging him to love you?

Fucking hell lass. It doesn't sound as I'd you're ready to date yet.

AttachmentFTW · 14/11/2024 10:16

Gently OP, but you really need to get some professional help for the impact of your past experiences have had on you and your view of yourself. I understand this man has made you feel good for the first time in years but he is telling you loud and clear that he is not interested in a relationship. He has done this a number of ways, by being horrendously abusive and vile (which you do not deserve) but also be being quite clear in his communication that he just wants sex, not a relationship. You cannot make him love you and want to be in a relationship with you. You are only responsible for your feelings and actions; you cannot influence his.

You said you have just left an abusive relationship, and it sounds like you want to fix the damage this has done by getting into another relationship where you feel loved. This is perhaps an understandable reaction but also a very dangerous one because it leaves you vulnerable to further abuse. The best thing you can do for yourself is start working on your own wellbeing, through therapy, through interests and activities, through none romantic relationships, exercise, whatever. Please put the dating apps down and try to be kind to yourself, for yourself.

Mumofgirls24 · 14/11/2024 10:16

This guy has the ability to absolutely ruin your life, get out, now.

Amba1998 · 14/11/2024 10:16

Okay the fact that you have left an abusive relationship and are now having strong feelings for someone who is a walking red flag that you’ve only met once is concerning

kindly, you need to spend sometime working on your own self esteem, realise your self worth and would probably benefit from some therapy.

block and move on

CRCGran · 14/11/2024 10:17

Block him on everything !!!! Social media, phone, email.... EVERYTHING !!!!!