New guy ignoring me

[YourTealMaker]

Hey, I have been talking with someone for around a month, he has been the sweetest person ever & made me so very happy! - however for the past week he has rarely popped up to my messages.
we got into a heated argument when he was drunk & he called me a slag & ugly & to look at the state of my self. Accused me of having a boyfriend ect … he didn’t speak to me the day after this & then he messaged me basically saying that the truth comes out when you’re drunk. I have tried to speak to him but he has been very blunt, I asked him if he wants to meet Friday to talk. He said he will pay for a hotel if I choose one but he isn’t inviting me to his because he said “ I am fragile” and I need something from him that he can’t give at the moment (not sure what this means) i really like him but I don’t think he feels the same way

I don’t know what to say reading your latest update. I feel so sorry for you and what you have been through. Your life has been very, very difficult.
I think you need to talk to your GP and camhs team urgently. You can break this cycle of self destructive behaviour, but it will need support and will not be easy.
As a small start I’d suggest you back out of tonight’s meet up. Be by yourself and do something to care for yourself, a bath, a film, a favourite meal. Tomorrow morning you will hopefully be able to congratulate yourself on not feeling used, sore and disappointed.
What happened in your life should never have happened to you, but from here on you do have the power to change your future, I wish you well.

Sounds like you’ve been treated like shit all your life. And that’s why you seek it out -

You need to get a grip of yourself. You sound like a silly Little school girl and it's embarrassing.

He works and has his own place? Are you from a different planet or something because that's the norm that's expected from an adult

If you want to have any hope of escaping this cycle of abuse DO NOT SEE THIS MAN! He is another abuser. Everyone on here sees it. If you met him you will only get abused again. DO NOT MEET HIM.

This man is actually repulsive. I can't even understand half of what I'm reading and I'm glad of it too as from the bits I can actually read, he sounds like an utter degenerate. You sound incredibly vulnerable OP.

If your expectations and standards are so low that this is attractive to you then you need to stop, step back and go and invest your time and money in real therapy. Find someone who will work with you to get to a better place where you are attracted to decent men. Decent men who will seem boring to you right now because your head is messed up from everything you've been through. Fix yourself, love yourself and THEN love someone else. You deserve better. If all these people on the internet unanimous agree that this man is scum then it has to go for something.

Works and has his own place... but doesn't have a phone and is borrowing his friends/brothers? How can you believe any of this?

You might like him but he clearly is just not that into you. Why are you booking a hotel? You have a child for gods sake. Grow the hell up and listen to all the advice being given here.

He had a phone but he smashed it last week after we didn’t even up meeting. He ended up getting drunk at the pub and I don’t know what happened after but his phone ended up smashed so he walked to his brothers work and stood outside for half an hour to speak to me & now he keeps going round to his sisters to use her phone. I think he gets paid today as it’s Friday so that is why he’s been all week without it. He did mention that he bought loads of pints & he was messaging me on the weekend at 9 in the morning slurring/ sending me videos of himself telling me he was sat in a “gaff” this is when he was sat calling me the names ect didn’t hear anything from him untill the Monday

So after everything you have been through in your life up to this point - you have decided it's a good idea to book a hotel and buy a bottle of alcohol to go and meet a man who, after only meeting once before, has already been verbally abusive to you when drunk, called you horrible names and told you he isn't interested in you except for sex?

DO NOT GO. Block him, do not contact him again. Do not talk to any men, romatically, for a very long time. You're not ready.

You need to put all of your time and effort into you. You need therapy, you need to heal from everything that has happened, you need to develop strategies in the future to protect yourself from these kinds of relationships and toxic men. You need to learn about yourself and understand why you keep finding yourself in these situations so you can stop it happening.

Don't fucking go.

He had a phone but he smashed it last week after we didn’t even up meeting. He ended up getting drunk at the pub and I don’t know what happened after but his phone ended up smashed so he walked to his brothers work and stood outside for half an hour to speak to me & now he keeps going round to his sisters to use her phone

I am having MEGA deja vu here

Thankyou for your kind words

@YourTealMaker I wish I could have you round mine for a cup of tea, some cake, a big hug and a long chat about how you are worth so much more than the people in your life thus far have treated you.

I’m so glad you’ve reached out to your GP. The first step towards a new you, a new life, and not being used and abused by scum who build themselves up by tearing you apart.

It won’t happen overnight but you can change the way you think of yourself. I don’t think a man is what you need right now, lovely.

Honestly I genuinely think this is what I need just someone who will sit with me who has a wise head on their shoulders. Someone without any judgment online I can open up but in person I am very closed off I don’t even really speak to my friends anymore. I work from home so all I do is sit in my bedroom on my laptop and work I very rarely even leave my house.

@YourTealMaker you've clearly had a very difficult life where people have treated you incredibly badly, abused you and hurt you. I think this means you are so accustomed to bad treatment that it feels familiar to you (not your fault, just a result of your experiences). I think this means that even though this man is treating you badly, because it's not as bad as the stuff you've been through in the past, your brain thinks he is OK and you are attracted to him. However you have an entire page of people telling you that what he has done not a appropriate way to behave and you deserve better.

I know it's hard to be believe us, but honestly we can see that you are falling for his trap and that this man is likely to be abusive and hurtful as well. I really don't think you should go to the hotel, I think it will all go down hill. I think you need to stay away from romantic relationships for a while so you can get some proper therapy.

You're not going to get any of that from him though are you.

He's going to drink your alcohol, shag you, abuse you then leave/make you leave.

Nobody can be that hard up for attention that you genuinely think that is what you need.

You'd be so much better off staying home, having a pamper evening and a few drinks, ordering yourself a nice takeaway, spending time with your son and talking to people here because we all already know we'd be more caring and better for you than this dickhead will ever be.

Why can't you see it? why are you refusing to see it?

OP no good can come from talking to this guy, let alone meeting up with him and shagging him.

You've had a hugely traumatic life so far and been let down by so, so many people.

Because of this you have no understanding of how you should be treated in a healthy relationship or friendship.

This man is abusive. He may not be 'as' abusive as men you have been with in the past, but just because you've been with someone 10/10 awful before doesn't mean you should accept someone who is 8/10 awful (or any level of awful!) now.

I wish you had an older, wiser woman in your life to take you under her wing and help you realise that you are looking for love and connections in familiar places because that's what we are wired to do. But because abuse and trauma are familiar to you, that's what you are subconsciously seeking out and / or tolerating.

You are a young woman who has survived so much. You have so much of your life left to live. What a gift! You could focus entirely on yourself and spend your life calm, happy and healthy. Being single until you are ready for a relationship is crucial.

A man like this won't give you what you want or need. He will simply reinforce your core belief that you are only worthy of abuse and that trauma is so familiar to you that it's some sort of friend of yours.

It isn't.

You need to reclaim your life. Block him. Delete him. Stop even thinking about men for now.

Choose a boxset you love, get some food you love, have a weekend of doing what YOU want to do that doesn't involve this man or any other men.

You are not a passive passenger in your life. It is yours to live. You're an amazing person to have come out of the other side of everything you've been through so far. Don't waste that person on men who make you feel shit and confused even 1% of the time, let alone 90%!

You don't fuck your friends, OP. None of this makes any sense but crack on.

@YourTealMaker You've obviously had a very hard life and experienced abuse. And you have no idea what real love or self-love means.
You won't find the healing and happiness from any man Im sorry to say. And especially not from this one. You are literally begging him to abuse you. And he will. Because that's what you're asking him to do.

Take the first small step of self-respect and cancel the hotel. Why would you go and get fucked by a guy who is not too keen anyways? He will take it since it's offered on a plate. He doesn't have to even be nice to you to get it. He can give you shit, fuck you and feel disgusted by it all. And you will too.

You are not friends. So don't play that card.

Please cancel the hotel.

Find something you enjoy this evening and do that instead. Honestly, having a cup of tea and watching Gogglebox would be more fun than meeting this twazzock.

Tell your GP or mental health team that you are getting into another abusive relationship.

If you don't feel that you are worth anything, then do this for your child.

(Of course you ARE worth it, but I know you don't feel that you are at the moment).

@swizzlemix I think the OP has explained 'what is wrong' with her?

Did it make you feel good, making her feel small and stupid, when she's been abused her whole life? You're no better than the person she's talking about.

@YourTealMaker please ignore the nasty posters on here, block this guy FOR GOOD, and take some time to focus on YOU.

I’ve only read the OP’s posts so I may be repeating what others have said but…
OP, you do not know what a healthy relationship looks like. You’re so very vulnerable and have been treated so very badly that this guy actually seems like a prize compared to the others.
If nobody else has suggested it, go on to the relationships board and read the ‘right listen up everybody’ thread pinned to the top.
Your reality has been skewed and you should not be getting involved with anyone at all until you realise that you can do better than this.

You have opened up to this guy so he knows just how vulnerable you are and is twisting that to his advantage. PLEASE walk away and do not speak to him again.

This isn't the first thread the OP has made about a ridiculous bloke, they were being posted every couple of days for a few weeks, then quiet for a week or so and then she's back again. They always go the same, OP ignores all the advice and then disappears eventually...until the next time

Just did an AS and I can only see 4 threads started by OP and they were in June, July and Aug respectively?? And not all about the same thing. It seems you’re being very harsh

This man is going to beat you up and might kill you. He's violent and he treats you with contempt. Please get away from him.