New guy ignoring me

[YourTealMaker]

Hey, I have been talking with someone for around a month, he has been the sweetest person ever & made me so very happy! - however for the past week he has rarely popped up to my messages.
we got into a heated argument when he was drunk & he called me a slag & ugly & to look at the state of my self. Accused me of having a boyfriend ect … he didn’t speak to me the day after this & then he messaged me basically saying that the truth comes out when you’re drunk. I have tried to speak to him but he has been very blunt, I asked him if he wants to meet Friday to talk. He said he will pay for a hotel if I choose one but he isn’t inviting me to his because he said “ I am fragile” and I need something from him that he can’t give at the moment (not sure what this means) i really like him but I don’t think he feels the same way

This is a pattern of behaviour for abusive men;
They sweet talk you, make you think they are nice.
You start to feel safe, so you start to open up.
They listen while you talk about the bad times you've been through.
You think they are supporting you but really they are learning how best to abuse you.

And its worked. You've only met this man once but you can't stop thinking about him, and you are chasing him. Its as if you are standing so close to the T.V. that he fills the screen and you can't see anything else.
You sound like a victim of narcissistic abuse and coercive control. This all feels normal to you, but it really isn't.

Please go see your G.P. and tell them what is happening. Ask them to review your meds and get you into counselling.
Look into The Freedom Program, you can do it online;
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

When starting any new relationship, the first thing I'd suggest is you google his name; and then ask the police to check him using Clare's Law. You might be able to find out if the man you want to date has a history of domestic abuse before you get involved.
You should also read Why Does He Do That by Frank Lundy, and The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. There are red flags you can sometimes spot early on before you get involved.

OP please read this.

JFC - you’ve met this guy once, he’s insulted you horribly, basically told you he just wants to fuck you and you’re pining over him?

Honestly OP your self esteem must be less than zero to not tell this fuckwit where to go. Hes horrible.

And just an observation so many abusive cunts get called ‘sweet’ on MN - I’ve honestly never heard any adult human who behaves in a normal grown up way described as ‘sweet’ in RL do it does seem a specific way to refer to few minutes when an abusive twat is giving the minimum effort.

One month in and he is already emotionally abusing you - calling you names, building you up with sweet words then deliberately crashing it down, gaslighting and negging, he has an issue with drink, he has said he does not want a relationship only sex, what more evidence do you want that this man will only cause you pain and heartache???
You are throwing yourself at yet another abusive man.
You have built up a 'love story' in your head based on your vivid imagination and wishes for a relationship and a few sweet words from him. Actions speak louder than flowery words, OP. The 'love story' you have built in your head is not real, your heart is following that imagined love story and you are ignoring the realities of the situation. You need to engage your rational mind - what would you tell a friend in this situation?
Please do get help, there will be free counselling services in your area. Read the book 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft, it will help you a lot.
Just step away from this guy, he is no good for you.

This is so utterly ridiculous. Be glad he is ignoring you. By rights it should be YOU ignoring HIM. He is a dreadful specimen.

Absolutely awful excuse for a human. Don't even call him again. Block. He's inadequate, clearly gearing up for controlling behaviour.

Are you 15? Good grief, just block him on everything!

He's a piece of shit.

You deserve so much better.

Don't meet him at a hotel, you have absolutely nothing to gain from continuing contact with him.

Block, delete, move on, and raise your bar significantly higher.

I mean this with kindness. I have wasted my time with losers when I was younger, and it brings nothing but pain, heartache, and regret. I guess we all have to learn for ourselves, but your life will be so much better when you start realising your worth.

What advice would you give to a friend if she was in your position? That's your answer.

Block and bin.

Nothing else to say really. He's a piece of shit.

He is a piece of shit. if you want to see him what does that make you?

Walk away. You've been chatting for a month!! It's not a relationship. Why are you even entertaining the idea of meeting him to 'talk'???! About what exactly?! He's shown you what he's like. He has no respect for you, there certainly are no feelings on his side. As for booking a hotel... What for, sex?! Have more self-respect for yourself. Block him, on every platform, and thank your lucky stars he showed you early on, before you got involved, what a nasty twat he truly is.

After meeting him once, he calls you names, makes it clear he's not interested, yet you're thinking of paying for a hotel to have sex with him?

It's not normal for a woman to even consider seeing a creature like this again. You need to see him clearly.

you do not like him, you like the idea you have created of him, and subconsciously you think that if you can get him to see what a wonderful person you are then you will heal and prove to yourself that you are not unlovable, something your abusive ex made you feel.

Go back to your GP for a change in medication AND ask for counselling. You are spiralling into a very bad place and this is very clear to all of us on here.

I have recently left a very abusive 4 year relationship
Do you realise that once you've been in one abusive relationship you are more likely to get into another, and then another, until you restore your boundaries via therapy. Do The Freedom Programme and DO NOT DATE until you have successfully completed it.

Why would you even want to meet him again? You need to respect yourself more, because he certainly does not respect you. Be grateful that his essential nastiness showed itself at an early stage.

He doesn't sound sweet at all and the fact he said the truth comes out when you're drunk? Shows he is an arse, you are well rid!

The best thing I ever did coming out of an abusive relationship was learn how to be alone and enjoy my own company. Ditch this absolute loser an dDo NOT jump in to another relationship right away. Take a good year to start loving yourself and valuing yourself as a person.

You are still healing from abuse. Get a copy of the book "Why does he do that" and read it cover to cover, then sign up for some therapy.

Despite the fact that you clearly need to work on yourself before falling into another abusive relationship (which is what this guy is offering you), it's actually not fair at all to get into a relationship with someone else when you have a lot of fresh trauma.

Sounds like you are heading straight from one abusive relationship and rushing into another.

Forget dating for now. Give yourself time to get your head together and be happy on your own. In time you’ll meet someone nice, but rushing into something when you’re in a fragile position will only end in disaster.

Sorry that this is happening to you OP. Many people talk about the hurt when a relationship breaks after many years, but the pain of something breaking when it was on its cusp and it seemed so magical is horrendous. It makes you feel lost and gobsmacked and so we try to brush it under the carpet and remember just the good, ignore the bad, and try to get back to where we were.
You loved the way he was until you said no to meet for sex if I understood well and he absolutely crossed the line by insulting you when he was drunk. Being drunk is no excuse. It’s the way he is, and you’ve only known him 1 month. That’s his true colours.
It sounds like you grew feelings for a deceiving and manipulative man. There are so many deceiving people out there, who will tell you what they think you want to hear, but watch their actions. The love bombing at the beginning secures that further down the line many women will stay and put up with it, thinking that things will go back to “normal”. But normal is the bad parts too, who he actually is. And now he’s showing you.
You love the way you’ve been feeling when being treated lovely by him. That’s on you, you have the capacity to feel that way over and over again. It’s not linked to him as a person. Wanting that lovely feeling back is absolutely understandable. But please allow yourself to see that it actually has more to do with you than with him. All the best 💐

Please tell me you've used effective contraception!

Hi everyone sorry I am just at work so just making my way through the replies, Thankyou so much everyone!

I know I shouldn’t want to see him and speak to him I don’t know why I do it to my self. He has opened up to me before and told me that the last girl he was seeing he ended up getting stabbed over a multiple timed - he first let me know by posting it on his story just the scars I can’t remember what he was saying I didn’t reply to his story he ended up deleteing the story & then he told me about what happened a few hours later - I know the girl question we used to be good friend ( I did not know about this before I started speaking to him) - he told me they were only having sex a few times, that she went and met someone else, so he had sex with her friend & then he’s ended up getting into a fight with the new guy she was sleeping with and the guy stabbed him - I honestly thought this was the reason why he was being a bit of because the last girl he went with he had a lot of trouble with. He makes it clear that he thinks all girls are just the same, so I thought he was just pushing me away because of this but now actually sitting and reflecting I just don’t think he likes me at all

..

But even if that was true, he isn't a hurt lost soul who just needs the love of a good and loyal woman to heal. A broken man is a broken man. There is NEVER a happy ending involved where he has called you names like that and said such nasty things. Never. A man who does that is never going to grow into a warm and loving person who will protect your heart the way you imagine. Learning that lesson is the best thing you can do to ensure happiness in the future.

My advice is to read up on limerance because you have it bad. So many of us suffer with it, it's totally normal for women and also for people who use dreaming to comfort themselves. The person you are imagining isn't him. You've done the right thing getting out of your last toxic relationship now do good by yourself by not getting into another one. Btw, how did it start off with your ex? Was he nice and sweet in the beginning or did he turn quickly too?

He's just a knobhead, that's all you need to know
Don't waste time about why does he do this or that or what's he thinking. Not all men are nice
Chalk it up to the fact he's a wanker and concentrate on being single

Not only is he telling you loud and clear he’s a completely pathetic fuckboy who only wants sex, he’s borderline illiterate.

Honestly this whole thread reads like a couple of 16 year olds