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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister living with us, for over a year…to kick her out

174 replies

Sophie2525 · 14/11/2024 00:35

My older sister (40 years old) has been living with DH, DD (2years) and myself for over a year, and I don’t know how to get her to leave!

Quick back story, she suffers with depression, and was in a bad financial situation, so we offered her to stay with us to get a job and a place. I genuinely thought she would be gone without a few months.

However, she has worked approx 12 weeks in the last year, constantly giving up jobs, asking people for money. Around 4 months ago I had a calm chat and said she needed to make a plan to leave within 3 months. Soon after she had a break down and was in a&e almost every night saying she wanted to kill herself, I then felt bad, and tried to help with getting professional support for her. Also stupidly told her not to worry about rushing to leave (I was just so worried about her committing suicide)

fast forward she’s on medication now and seems mentally so much better, but still isn’t working, claims to be job searching but no luck.
DH is so fed up with her, and wants me to kick her out. I totally get DH anger, and I’m so upset she’s putting us in this situation but I’m so scared to ask her to sort her crap out that she will have another breakdown.

To note, there are no other family members/friends she can stay with.

what do I do????

OP posts:
Sweepsthepillowclean · 14/11/2024 00:38

Give her a date to be gone. Give her a month to get sorted and then eject. She cannot hold you to ransom with her mental health. You need to be firm OP. Otherwise she will be with you forever. You have to stick to your guns.

Lavender14 · 14/11/2024 00:40

That's a tricky one op. I would sit down with her and ask her what her long term plans/ goals are now that she seems to be in a better place in herself. If her goal is to get her own place then I'd be suggesting that she goes to your local authority to present as homeless and you do a letter saying you need her to leave - then when she has points agree to keep her temporarily until she's accommodated or see if she can access suitable temporary accommodation nearby due to her mental health condition. If she's unlikely to hold down work this may be the only realistic option for her to access affordable housing. I'd also be suggesting she links in with a housing support service to help her with her plans and goals and to take some pressure off you.

redalex261 · 14/11/2024 01:59

Yeah, you are going to have to present her with a deadline. Make it reasonable - month, six weeks max. She can (and should be already) registered for social housing. Help her find a private let if that’s what she wants. Do not be guarantor. If she’s not working she will get help towards housing costs.

It’s better than things getting to breaking point, your DH kicking her out with no notice or your relationship tanking under the stress. Both you and your husband have gone above and beyond. At this stage it seems as if her MH is affecting everyone else’s.

OhcantthInkofaname · 14/11/2024 02:03

I'm sorry but you have set limits. She needs to have her own place.

username358 · 14/11/2024 02:04

Perhaps make an appointment with the CABx and go with her to discuss support, housing and finances.

Hub of Hope is a searchable database of mental health support in your area.

You can find house shares on Spareroom.com or tell her to contact Shelter.

Turn2us can give financial advice and the National Debtline can help if she's got debts.

Fraaahnces · 14/11/2024 02:30

Give her written 30 days notice. (Keep copy) Take her to the council and report her as homeless. They will need to house her.

AlwaysYoshi · 14/11/2024 02:43

Part of the responsibility of being an adult and forming your own family (husband/child) means that you need to prioritize this family, even if it is difficult and involves inadvertently upsetting extended family members.

You sister will be upset, she will be resistant to change - because this situation suits her and is comfortable for her.

This situation does not work for you, is not comfortable for your husband and child and you run the real risk of losing or damaging your family unit at the expense of your sister.

You cannot take responsibility for your sisters mental health. She needs to. If she ends up in A&e every night then so be it. That may sound cold and uncaring but if the alternative is 50/50 custody and a divorce in my own relationship then I choose my family any day of the week.

Craftymam · 14/11/2024 02:59

There is no way I would have someone that mentally ill around my two year old. I get that’s difficult. She’s your sister. But my child would come first.

FupaTrooper · 14/11/2024 03:03

Your DH has been pretty patient to put up with her for a year, I wouldn't be so tolerant.

She actually sounds quite manipulative.

Ask her to leave... All of a sudden she is in crisis.

DreamTheMoors · 14/11/2024 03:23

She’s blackmailing you, just as surely as if she was holding a weapon to your head or to your throat.
But she’s blackmailing you with emotion. “If you don’t do “this,” I’ll kill myself.”
It’s the most lowdown, dirty manipulation somebody could do.
Follow the advise the others have given you, and even if your sister threatens you again, tell her “you do what you feel you have to do.”
You’ll call her bluff and show her her intimidation tactics won’t work.
But keep your eviction date enforced.
I wish you the best of luck.

Tourmalines · 14/11/2024 03:25

She is using you, but not just you, your family too, she is manipulating you, and she has to go. I don’t believe she can’t get a job . Your husband has been a saint for having her there that long. Give her 2 months notice .

NiftyKoala · 14/11/2024 03:40

AlwaysYoshi · 14/11/2024 02:43

Part of the responsibility of being an adult and forming your own family (husband/child) means that you need to prioritize this family, even if it is difficult and involves inadvertently upsetting extended family members.

You sister will be upset, she will be resistant to change - because this situation suits her and is comfortable for her.

This situation does not work for you, is not comfortable for your husband and child and you run the real risk of losing or damaging your family unit at the expense of your sister.

You cannot take responsibility for your sisters mental health. She needs to. If she ends up in A&e every night then so be it. That may sound cold and uncaring but if the alternative is 50/50 custody and a divorce in my own relationship then I choose my family any day of the week.

This. She is your sister yes. But you have made a family that must come first. You can't have children around this. Your sister will of course resist. In the long term she'll be happier with her own place. You took her in so she could get on her feet, if you don't do something that will never happen.

Powderblue1 · 14/11/2024 03:47

That's so tricky OP. I know a lot of responses just seem to be to kick her out. As someone with a brother who has suffered with mental health and suicidal thoughts, I know how hard this must be.

I'd sit down with her and discuss next plans. Let her lead the conversation around how to meet those goals and offer your support. Talk
About the option of presenting to the council etc and devise a plan together.

User37482 · 14/11/2024 04:14

I think perhaps you will need to give her notice and take her to the council to tell them she will be homeless. Get some welfare support for her. Tbf she sounds like she struggles with life a lot and I think she may need some handholding to get her out.

2021x · 14/11/2024 04:19

Ultimately it’s your and your partner’s house and you get to decide who lives there.

The how is the tricky part here. It sounds like she is being compliant with medications which is a positive step, but is she also getting counselling to help get manage her thoughts? If not that is the next step to get her to be independent. Family therapy would also be good for both of you.

HelplessSoul · 14/11/2024 04:30

Give her 24 hours and kick her out.

Surprised your DH hasnt kicked her out for you.

Your sisters problems are hers to battle - not your DH or you to sort out. Shes taking and continues to take the fucking piss frankly. And your sister knows she is taking the piss - because you let her.

rainydaysandrainbows · 14/11/2024 04:40

HelplessSoul · 14/11/2024 04:30

Give her 24 hours and kick her out.

Surprised your DH hasnt kicked her out for you.

Your sisters problems are hers to battle - not your DH or you to sort out. Shes taking and continues to take the fucking piss frankly. And your sister knows she is taking the piss - because you let her.

I think this is way too harsh. I understand OP would like her sister to move out but you don't just give someone 24 hours especially if you ever want to continue having a relationship with her

HelplessSoul · 14/11/2024 04:43

rainydaysandrainbows · 14/11/2024 04:40

I think this is way too harsh. I understand OP would like her sister to move out but you don't just give someone 24 hours especially if you ever want to continue having a relationship with her

Show quote history

Riiiiight

But the mental health damage to the DH and child (and family nucleus) is less important than the piss taking, free-loading sister?

Ultimately, the sister has no legal rights to stay in the house, ergo, 24 hours is a perfectly acceptable timeframe. I would fully support the DH here in turfing that woman out with no notice.

Cloouudnine · 14/11/2024 04:47

what does your dh want? If you give her a month, that’s basically kicking her out at Christmas which is going to be very hard. Why not set a date of New Year, say January 11th?

If she is living with you rent-free then ask her to save as much as of her benefits as possible between now and the date she leaves. Promise to help her move etc. and claim benefits where relevant.

Just a thought but does she help with your dc? She may have become very attached so make it clear that she will be welcome back and weekends to stay will be nice in future but you need your home back for you and dh to function as a normal couple.

rainydaysandrainbows · 14/11/2024 04:49

@HelplessSoul

"Riiiiight

But the mental health damage to the DH and child (and family nucleus) is less important than the piss taking, free-loading sister?

Ultimately, the sister has no legal rights to stay in the house, ergo, 24 hours is a perfectly acceptable timeframe. I would fully support the DH here in turfing that woman out with no notice."

OP has not said there has been any mental health "damage" caused by her sister other than her husband is angry which isn't a mental health condition.

I think your suggestion is cruel. Lots of other posters are suggesting 30 days, a month, even six weeks which is much more appropriate.

Lellamir · 14/11/2024 04:53

On what basis would the council house her?

Yazzi · 14/11/2024 04:56

HelplessSoul · 14/11/2024 04:43

Riiiiight

But the mental health damage to the DH and child (and family nucleus) is less important than the piss taking, free-loading sister?

Ultimately, the sister has no legal rights to stay in the house, ergo, 24 hours is a perfectly acceptable timeframe. I would fully support the DH here in turfing that woman out with no notice.

Show quote history

Yes, the inconvenience of having her stay a few weeks longer while OP assists her in (firmly) going to council presenting as homeless and getting accommodation within 30 days, is less damaging than a suicidal family member who no doubt the whole family loves being turfed out with one day notice and nowhere to go.

Insane that you don't see that. Goodness me.

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/11/2024 05:01

On the basis that she is homeless and they have a duty of care to the people who live under that local authority.

So, give her a letter stating that you are no longer willing to house her from X date. Take her to the housing department of the council, or housing association if thats how its dealt with in your area and start the ball rolling, she will need that letter to show them to prove that as of the date on the letter, she will be homeless.

If she has evidence of her mental health issues, I'd get her to take that with her too, it will help her get on the housing list, though she will be low priority and likely be placed in a B&B, she won't be given a council house/flat any time soon.

You are not obliged to house her, and doing so is now impacting on your family, make that clear in your letter!.

The other option is a room in an HMO. These can be had for very little, but she will obviously have to have benefits sorted out and be claiming UC etc etc or she won't be considered for a tenancy by any landlord at all.

I'd give her a months notice, asap, assuming she has all the benefits in place - two months if not.

Present this to her with your husband present as a united front. Explain that you can't house her any longer, and you feel that doing so is not actually helping her any more.

Make it clear that the letter from you explaining that you are not willing to house her IS for her benefit, it will help with housing (well, more than not having it).

Nettleteaser101 · 14/11/2024 05:06

I dont think if you say leave but you can come and stay at the weekends is a good idea. If I was your DH I wouldn't want to see her for a long time after she left.
I also dont think the council will do anything as she has lived with you for a year they would think she could carry on living with you.
Im sorry OP but you will have to get her to leave (after Christmas) and make sure she knows you mean it even if she starts with her MH problems.
It must be like living on egg shells with your DH getting annoyed with her still being there but I dont blame him.

HelplessSoul · 14/11/2024 05:08

"OP has not said there has been any mental health "damage" caused by her sister other than her husband is angry which isn't a mental health condition."

@rainydaysandrainbows

The OP cannot know whats inside her husbands head or what he feels unless he says it.

He's being diplomatic because its its wifes sister.

Just because the OPs husband hasnt spoken about his own mental health doesnt mean he isnt impacted. Way to minimise it just because he's a male eh?

If this was a male/brother of the OP, everyone would be saying to the OP to turf him out.

Typical double standards from MN members.