Sister living with us, for over a year…to kick her out

[Sophie2525]

My older sister (40 years old) has been living with DH, DD (2years) and myself for over a year, and I don’t know how to get her to leave!

Quick back story, she suffers with depression, and was in a bad financial situation, so we offered her to stay with us to get a job and a place. I genuinely thought she would be gone without a few months.

However, she has worked approx 12 weeks in the last year, constantly giving up jobs, asking people for money. Around 4 months ago I had a calm chat and said she needed to make a plan to leave within 3 months. Soon after she had a break down and was in a&e almost every night saying she wanted to kill herself, I then felt bad, and tried to help with getting professional support for her. Also stupidly told her not to worry about rushing to leave (I was just so worried about her committing suicide)

fast forward she’s on medication now and seems mentally so much better, but still isn’t working, claims to be job searching but no luck.
DH is so fed up with her, and wants me to kick her out. I totally get DH anger, and I’m so upset she’s putting us in this situation but I’m so scared to ask her to sort her crap out that she will have another breakdown.

To note, there are no other family members/friends she can stay with.

what do I do????

How horrible. What about OP's mental health and that of her husband and child? Why should that be sacrificed for the sister. She is taking the bedroom of a child.

I have anxiety and depression - it doesn't mean I am selfish. The sister sounds very manipulative.

Perhaps you can put her up?

@BitOutOfPractice I'm sorry its not like that where you are. I'm surprised. It's a separate dept here you deal with called "housing options" It's not normal housing registration.

I presumed every area had this similar service. There is obviously some that don't for whatever reason. Its the first time I've come across this

OP, only you know if she’s a bullshitter. If she is, then you’ve got to be firm and micromanage her job search and council housing appointments. Don’t fuck your family life for someone who’s taking the piss.

So absolutely no where for you or your husband to be intimate. As I say again, give her 2 months notice .

@keffie12 maybe it’s because I live in a true blue borough in a true blue county. And this all was happening hard on the heels of Covid in 2021. But it was a hard no for us with my SIL. Luckily we were able to set her up ourselves. If we hadn’t been able to she’d still be here and dp (Her brother) and i Would’ve split up over it.

Why should the OP micromanage job searches?

OP sisters claims she has applied jobs but conveniently "not heard back". She should show OP the evidence.

If she cant, then her sister is fucking lying and should be kicked out immediately.

OP has done enough to help this feckless bullshitting sister enough with a roof over her head, no bills, free food etc etc. The only job for the OP is to kick her sister out. End of.

I say micromanage as it’s the only way of catching out a bullshitter. This sister seems manipulative and is taking advantage of receiving OP benefit of doubt - (not sure that entirely made sense, but I think you know what I mean). OP has said that this is going on for about a year now so if it was so easy for her to point out that the sister was lying and tell her to move on, she would’ve done that ages ago. That’s why I said micromanage so she can have complete and doubtable evidence that sister is taking the piss and tell her, in no uncertain terms, to move on.

And by the way, asking to see evidence of job rejections, is micromanaging the job search.

The truth may be, OP, that this arrangement is actually making her worse and prolonging her dependency. It can feel absolutely insurmountable to overcome mental illness, let alone get your basic needs met, such as housing and an income. But give someone a safety net of this type – in which they will get their basic needs met no matter what – and you inevitably enable them to not have to meet their own needs – and they won’t. There is no drive to.

ASC or MH should have been involved when she was suicidal and at A and E. Give them a ring and say for everyone's MH she needs her own place

Before things get too much, you need to give her a deadline to find a place of her own and stick to it, she is blackmailing you.

The suicide may also be a manipulation to stay more (brought on) probably subconsciously to avoid moving on and to get you to want to save her.

I'm the worst example, my brother, sister in law, and niece moved in for a year and they just moved out today, 5 years and 4m later, and I've been asking them to go since the end of year two, being nice, feeling guilty, not enforcing boundaries I set, it got so much worse relationally, MH, financially, atmospherically - so as someone who knows better you have to force it they won't do it if you show any signs of empathy or wobbly.
That doesn't mean you can't help, but she can go to the counsel for emergency housing, if she's that unwell she can get pip, you can practically help with those things etc, but there are things that can be done but they are harder than the situation is right now (for her) and honestly she doesn't care about the impact on you, your husband, your daughter, your privacy, your financial strain. People like this can compartmentalise the selfishness and because they believe they are the victim they fully believe they are entitled to help. So nothing will change unless you force it, which believe me feels horrendous! Hence the 5 years x

Tell her you need the space back in the house and get her an old caravan and move her in to that she'll soon decide she needs to sort out her own place

We’re in similar position; our daughter moved into supported housing, however hated and moved back home with us. She has bpd and other mental health stuff going on. I asked for social work assessments and she is on waiting list for housing. She dosent want to be here and we don’t want her here as much as I love her, she needs her own space.
defo get into social work !!!

You have become her security blanket. Have another chat. Help her fill out some applications for local authority housing, or arrange a meeting with a homeless advisor. Help her with her cv and job applications, make everything sound as positive as possible. Tell her you still want to help her but you are best placed to do that if you are not living together.

If you set a deadline you must 100% be prepared to stick with it, 100% no backing down whatsoever. So think carefully about when, for example what support will be available for her if it comes to the deadline day. Don't make it Christmas Eve for example.

Oh,l feel your pain 😢. I couldn't imagine anything worse than having my sister live with us! I don't know what to suggest. She won't go. Not while she's got you to lean on. She's being very unfair. I get she has depression but this isn't helping anyone. My sister would just take and take, and never think about it's making anyone else's life a misery. I hope your sister realises and tries to get herself back on her feet.

You’re not helping you’re enabling

"She’s blackmailing you, just as surely as if she was holding a weapon to your head or to your throat.
But she’s blackmailing you with emotion. “If you don’t do “this,” I’ll kill myself.”

This.

You are not responsible for your sister. You need to tell her to leave. Your family must be your priority. Threatening to but not actually killing g herself - she knows she has you, because you let her get away with it. It may be better for your DH to explain she has to leave. Your sister is playing you.

And do you have a wife and children? Doesn't sound like it. Then you have nothing to lose. OP is being played by her sister. There is only one way to stop this. She has to move on. Not immediately, Christmas would be a horrid time to go, but soon. I have a sister like this. She is cold and only thinks of herself and what money she can scam out of us. She makes up stories about her health. Many a time we have spoken with doctors regarding her alleged visits to the hospital. They are false, and it shredded my poor mother. I would hate this to affect the OPs marriage.

Could you support to get her in her own place? Go to the council and help her get your own place via the council? I mean she can't live with you forever, but also softens the blow of being kicked out. Is she under a MH team? They could offer a element of support with this process

This.

And the OPs husband can see this.

There are plenty of kerbs outside - OP's bullshitting sister needs kicking to one of them.

She's 40. She should have her shit together by now and you shouldn't have to be burdened with her nonsense. Tell her you're taking the piss you need to leave within two months and don't dare pull the breakdown shit or that deadline will be shortened to tomorrow.