Sister living with us, for over a year…to kick her out

[Sophie2525]

My older sister (40 years old) has been living with DH, DD (2years) and myself for over a year, and I don’t know how to get her to leave!

Quick back story, she suffers with depression, and was in a bad financial situation, so we offered her to stay with us to get a job and a place. I genuinely thought she would be gone without a few months.

However, she has worked approx 12 weeks in the last year, constantly giving up jobs, asking people for money. Around 4 months ago I had a calm chat and said she needed to make a plan to leave within 3 months. Soon after she had a break down and was in a&e almost every night saying she wanted to kill herself, I then felt bad, and tried to help with getting professional support for her. Also stupidly told her not to worry about rushing to leave (I was just so worried about her committing suicide)

fast forward she’s on medication now and seems mentally so much better, but still isn’t working, claims to be job searching but no luck.
DH is so fed up with her, and wants me to kick her out. I totally get DH anger, and I’m so upset she’s putting us in this situation but I’m so scared to ask her to sort her crap out that she will have another breakdown.

To note, there are no other family members/friends she can stay with.

what do I do????

Are you feeding her aswell? Is she contributing anything to the household like cleaning cooking?

First post gets it in one!

If you make her homeless, she can go to the council and see about getting emergency accommodation but she is 40 not 14 and should be able to start looking after herself. Tell her you will help her (limited) if she does this. The limited help I'd suggest is helping her kit out wherever she gets settled.

Stay strong @Sophie2525 . You can do this.

What a a vile thing to say. Majority of depressed people don’t hurt children. God you’re an awful human being.

Your comment is abhorrent and ignorant why would the sister be a danger to her niece just because she has suffered with her mental health?

@EarthlingHere @rainydaysandrainbows PP didn't mention hurting children though?
Children are very sensitive to atmosphere, constant breakdowns resulting in AE 'every night' according to the OP will be very difficult for a child. Also given the long wait times... OP probably isn't just leaving her there .. That's so many nights without one parent.

OP you chose to be a parent as PP said child needs to come first. Opening post nailed it in one.

I think you can bring up the situation with we have housed you for a year and it has not been as effective as hoped in you finding your feet. Time to see if a different approach will work plus you and husband need a break from hosting. You can set up a timescale and help with legistics but make it clear that even if changes in mental health accour it's time to try something else. Time to stay firm and reframe your role e.g come every Monday for supper.

Au contraire, they do, and that's why they're advising OP to kick her out.
Councils have a duty to help. They won't do so if there's a convenient family member proving shelter.

Cloouudnine · Today 04:47

what does your dh want? If you give her a month, that’s basically kicking her out at Christmas which is going to be very hard. Why not set a date of New Year, say January 11th?

Totally agree with this- easy for people to come on and say get rid, in reality without you handing her money she’ll go homeless. Also jobs aren’t always easy to get for some people (applying since July and have only gotten holiday work). She does need to go into an employment office and take whatever they’ll give her

And also proper winter when it’ll be freezing.

Do you think she'll be on the street sleeping under cardboard or something? The council will have emergency options available which are a little warmer than that.

Does she have a social worker or mental health worker has she ever been on a section 3. She may qualify for supported housing which you could help her with but no she can't stay forever, it's not fair on you, your dh or child.

The council isn’t as dependable as people think it is. You can still be left on the streets for a good while whilst they super through pedantic housing procedures.

Actual suicidal people don’t take themselves off to A&E every night. She is manipulating you and you need to take a step back and tell her she needs to leave. Assure her you’re always going to help support her but you’ve let her stay for a year and now you need to do it from a distance.

OP, you have a young child and should be enjoying those years. You cannot sacrifice your own marriage, relationship with child and wellbeing to take on responsibilities that your sister should be taking for herself.

Does she have any professional support? Counselling?

I think you need a calm, direct tough love conversation with her, stating that livjng with you longer is not an option. Tell her to come up with a workable strategy and you will support her in it. But whatever strategy it is, she is moving out. No ifs and buts.

If her ‘workable strategy ‘ is to collapse saying she is suicidal then say ‘your MH needs professional support which I cannot provide. I will take you to A&E / support service but I cannot help further with housing. What is your strategy for taking care of yourself?’

Stuck record.

Would your DH be prepared to have a calm but firm conversation with her? Telling her the same?

I would start from your own needs. That you cannot house her. Rather than ‘oh, how can I help, CAB, council etc etc’ because that assumes that a) she is the priority in terms of housing in your home and b) that moving out is dependent on various forms of help and can wait til she has a job … which is conveniently never. This has been your problem so far. Moving out has been conditional on factors beyond your control. And she has been fragile, yes, but also taken advantaged, or been enabled by your support and sacrifice.

So take control. It’s your home, your life.

I had to ask my mum to leave after living with us for several years as it was becoming unbearable. It was difficult and I felt awful but I had to prioritise my own family and marriage. She seems happier where she is now and our relationship has actually improved 🤷‍♀️

From a harsh pov: she is not putting ‘us’ in this situation, YOU are putting your DH in an intolerable situation.

It might help to view it from that perspective.

You have the whole of MN giving you permission to tell your DSis she has to leave.

I agree with this. Sister sounds very manipulative and will drive a wedge in your marriage. And you need to stop her

I wouldn't 'kick her out' but I would say she has to leave by end of February and work with her to get a job (good for MH!) And find a place of her own, including making her homeless at end February.

I wouldn't kick her out before she has a shot at the Christmas retail jobs.

That would enable her to get some money behind her. Surely she can get one of those. Look for her if necessary. It's a means to an end.

So I would suggest that in the new year she had to be out by 1 February. That this was never a permanent solution and it's been over a year. That you'd like to see her in her own place and happy. That she can do this and it'll be fine.

That you are still around and she can pop over and you can come to hers etc. That it's a fresh start for her.

Make sure all her health issues are documented. Ask for help with a benefits check. Report to the local authority that you are kicking her out then (not that they'll do anything).

She has to get a job and a flat. Housing benefits or whatever they are called could help.

Good luck.

Don't listen to suicide threats. It's hard but if she starts going down that road again id brutally tell her that you'll have her sectioned and locked in a secure unit if she starts that as you can't face it again it upset your own mental health to watch her struggling. That you love her. That she deserves to be happy and her own pad and job are how to make that happen.

Do not back down. (A secure unit is out of your ability to arrange but she dues by know that)

I've been there with an ex. It's hard.

Normally I would say to give someone two months notice. For her I would say a month. The reason for this is because her suicidal gesturing will almost certainly increase over the notice period. It will stress you out and your son will have front row seats to all the drama. I say this kindly as someone who was in a similar situation to you years back. Your sister is an adult but any children living at the property need the protection of their parents x

1 Feb (or 14th?) seems fair to me, and tell her it's a long deadline, to give her time to find somewhere, but that it's final.

PS You can't kick her out over Christmas. It's the main time of year that people struggle with their mental health.

Spot on.

The sister has an easy life. Roof over her head, no bills, meals provided etc etc.

Why would anyone give up that cushy number when they can play the guilt card of selective "mental health" issues on demand.

Utter BS.

The only illness she appears to have is that the world is real and she needs to get out there like the rest of us and face it.

I'm stunned at the OP's DH patience on this - at some point, it will run out and I wouldnt be surprised if he fucked off the OP and the sister out of the house.

Shocking levels of ignorance and selfishness on here. Zero understanding of mental illness, zero empathy, shameful really. I guess as a snapshot of Britain 2024 its pretty depressing. This is who we are. God help us.

Your sister is family but let's all look out for number one. Chuck her under the bus and have done with it.

My brother has had chronic schizophrenia for 30 years and he lives with me (his elder brother) not under some bridge with the rats and the dispossessed. Because his mental illness prevents him from getting a job or, in fact, anything else in Iife. He does not have a single friend in his life. A life devastated and unfulfilled, a horror show at times of unremitting suffering, locked wards and illness. He could not live independently and the asylums closed down in favour of "care in the community". And this is what the community looks like.

But he has me. And blood is thicker than water and I will go to the grave knowing that I, at least, did the right thing. And along the way I learnt a lot about life and it's OK, it's not a big burden.

I would encourage you to think again. Find a new perspective on your sister. Think carefully about the long-term. I spent a lot of time running away from "problems". Sometimes you have to embrace that problem and face it head on. Take it on board and the load will become lighter.

What do you suggest op and her husband do ,