Sister living with us, for over a year…to kick her out

[Sophie2525]

My older sister (40 years old) has been living with DH, DD (2years) and myself for over a year, and I don’t know how to get her to leave!

Quick back story, she suffers with depression, and was in a bad financial situation, so we offered her to stay with us to get a job and a place. I genuinely thought she would be gone without a few months.

However, she has worked approx 12 weeks in the last year, constantly giving up jobs, asking people for money. Around 4 months ago I had a calm chat and said she needed to make a plan to leave within 3 months. Soon after she had a break down and was in a&e almost every night saying she wanted to kill herself, I then felt bad, and tried to help with getting professional support for her. Also stupidly told her not to worry about rushing to leave (I was just so worried about her committing suicide)

fast forward she’s on medication now and seems mentally so much better, but still isn’t working, claims to be job searching but no luck.
DH is so fed up with her, and wants me to kick her out. I totally get DH anger, and I’m so upset she’s putting us in this situation but I’m so scared to ask her to sort her crap out that she will have another breakdown.

To note, there are no other family members/friends she can stay with.

what do I do????

I would give her to the new tear - 5 January. In the meantime assist her in finding a new place. I would hold firm on that date regardless of what happens or another suicide attempt as this will ruin your marriage. Can other family members have her for a few months?

It's important not to say 'committed' suicide because it is no longer an offence & using that word can be painful for those of us who did have a family member that died by suicide.

It sounds like you have been more than fair to your sister with your support & it's time she moved on - even if that is hard for her. You may need to be extra firm as she has already moved your boundary once.

Remember the decision to take your own life is down to the person who decides that's what they want to do. It's never anyone else's fault - even if they say it is.

They do not have a 'duty of care' to everyone living in the local authority.
The people you see rough sleeping, haven't all turned down local authority housing, in favour of living rough.
There are very specific criteria, and a single, childless adult is unlikely to meet that criteria.

The sister's MH issues are not unusual. Self declared MH issues, and a prescription for anti-depressants isn't enough. OP - is your sister receiving support from the local MH team? Their input could help.

I was in a DV refuge. The tenancy is for 6 months, at which time, residents are served 28 days notice. It was made very clear to me, that if I failed to find a rental property, I would be street homeless.
Even as a lone parent, I was entitled to 'help and assistance' only. There was no statutory obligation to me, only to my child. The 'help and assistance' was an outdated list of private landlords, and access to a loan, for a deposit.
OP's sister may be entitled to 'help and assistance', but would likely still need a guarantor. U/C would cover the cost of a lower end house share

Is it possible that she has a diagnosable condition that may entitle her to benefits, own place, etc?

If OP's sister can show that her MH difficulties, are what's leading to her frequently losing jobs, she might be able to get into a 'limited capacity for work' U/C group, and even PIP. She might, then be able to afford a 'studio flat', rather than a house share.
Plus, she could work part time, so less pressure on her. She could even do some training and/or voluntary work, so that she is amongst other people, and is less dependent on OP. She needs a life of her own, so that OPs family are part of her life, rather than her whole life

I would be treading carefully. Your dh is right though she can’t stay forever. I would help her - housing association, job centre, cv writer. She is going to need your support and small steps may be needed. Give her a date for the new year. It’s probably worth looking at what she really wants to do job wise in the hope that she stays employed.

I would say that you are getting something done to the house in January, or are moving and she needs to find somewhere now and you will help her move out over Christmas. Basically I would lie. Which doesn’t sit right with me but you are in a tough position.

You need to give her a deadline to move out.

She has been manipilating you with her mh issues.

Also, not a good environment for your dd to be in.

No they don't. Plenty of people are homeless and the council does not house them.

OP you are better off supporting her to find accommodation if you want her out. She could actually end up on the streets if you just kick her out.

Very tricky situation. Your sister has got you by the short and curlies hasn't she?
House her or she'll have a breakdown, basically. Whether it's knowingly manipulative or not, I don't know.

Here's a thing...your dh married you, not your sister. He didn't expect or agree to have her as a permanent fixture in his home or be present for her mental health issues long term. He has been landed with her, done his bit and now he's had enough.

I think it's ok to be honest with your sister about this. You tell her that after a year of housing her, he wants his home back.
Is she going to argue that he owes her more? I can't see how.

Very sensible answer and exactly right.

I think that it’s imperative that she has help to get another job now she is a bit better.

She needs a deposit for her own bedsit or room in a house share. A Christmas retail job maybe, -or she could do cleaning if she has no other skills.

Then in the New Year, she can be helped to get what she needs to move into her new lodgings.
Hard as it may be, I think you need to be telling her that this is the plan rather than asking what her plan is, as her situation living with you is now coming to an end. This needs to be made crystal clear to her.

I think you need to be very firm now to let her know she has to really dig deep to try to support herself. Tell her that you will continue to help her and you will help her move out as long as she is also really showing you that she is trying to help herself by securing and holding down a job and claiming any benefits she is entitled to.

The first step is to get that deposit together.

I’m sorry about this situation for your family and your sister.

I agree that working towards moving out with greater urgency in the new year sounds kinder than right near Christmas. I think you will need to help her to find somewhere and apply for her rent to be paid.

You can look up Local Housing Allowance rates to see what your sister can pay for rent
https://lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/

At it’s most bleak if your sister is back in hospital you might have to refuse to let her be discharged to your home and see if the hospital can link in with other agencies for emergency accommodation.

Personally, I would not kick my sister out without ensuring that I had done everything I could to make sure she had access to support. The Council is likely to run employment support schemes that she may be eligible for and she will have a mentor to help her get back into work.

I would help her in finding housing.

I'd make it clear she cannot stay but would also give her the support she needed to successfully move on.

@Sophie2525 what does she do to help around the house? Does she pay rent/bills? Does she feed herself? Where is all her stuff and does she have her own room? Does she have a social life?

Can you fund her departure? Say heres £1000, we've bought you a month or two rent (whatever this covers in your area), that should be enough time for you to find a job, even a job on a supermarket etc, and that way she doesn't feel like she's homeless.

It's a lot of money, but it's peace of mind for the suicide and it's freedom for you.

Where would she go though?

Maybe do it in steps?

For example say that by 1 Feb she needs to start paying £xx in rent. Thats reasonable as it could be difficult to find a job over Christmas. Make sure you’re really firm about this. You could always bend the truth and say you need the cash to pay for her or she must leave. I’m assuming you pay for all her food etc?

Once shes started paying rent it will be easier to ask her to leave to a flat share as she will be used to paying that amount a month to you.

Good luck!

It is ok to expect for you and DH to be able to have a family home without an additional house guest. You have been very kind but all things must end.

You need to write a formal letter giving her a 30 day deadline to leave, and have this in your hand as you tell her verbally. This is a kindness as it's a necessary step towards getting her back on her feet. With this letter, she can go to the council (you can drive her there) and she can show it to them and they will arrange emergency accommodation and she'll be on the waiting list for social housing (depends where she is as to gow long that will be).

You will be much better able to offer her emotional support if your energies and sympathies aren't being stretched by not having your home to yourselves so she will benefit from you more in matters other than housing.

You need to be clear that this time you will need to stick to the deadline even if her mental health deteriorates because you being firm about a formal deadline is the only thing that will make the local council and social services step up and give her the support she needs

You have been so kind to your sister, but it is time for her to go.

As others have said you need to give her a deadline to move out and make sure she understands you mean it. Otherwise this is really going to affect your relationship with DH and impact DD as well. Your own family must come first.

You have helped your sister amazingly now she needs to help herself. She is an adult she must take responsibility for herself.

To add, you are spending a lot of time thinking about her feelings, I wonder how much time she spends thinking about yours?

I'd go with getting her some support to find somewhere else. Some good links upthread.
Don't underestimate how you DH could be feeling about this. We have a family member living with us and I am finding it very stressful. I don't say too much because there are reasons why they need to be here, and there are plans for them moving out. It's been longer than they said it would be and I am starting to feel a lot of resentment which is not doing my MH or my marriage any good (they are not my family member)

Quick back story, she suffers with depression, and was in a bad financial situation

What was her housing situation like before she moved in with you?

Whats her financial situation like now she’s been living with you for ages? Does she have debt? Savings?

What a tough situation for you. You have been so generous. Agree with other poster you need to give her a date. Is she getting benefits. She should declare herself homeless

How would that help?

I know it will feel horribly difficult but forcing her to stand on her own two feet will probably help her to get her act together. She has not got herself settled into work in part I suspect because she feels there are no consequences - she can still live with you for free.

Not a comparable situation but we had my sibling live with us for a few months. He wasn't ill, just young and not sure what he was doing with his life and looking for a job in an expensive city. It made me feel a bit uncomfortable but DH used to sit down with sibling every few days and ask 'how is the job / flat search going? Can I help with that?' which was a supportive but firm way of reminding sibling that living with us was not a long term solution.

Good luck !