Sister living with us, for over a year…to kick her out

[Sophie2525]

My older sister (40 years old) has been living with DH, DD (2years) and myself for over a year, and I don’t know how to get her to leave!

Quick back story, she suffers with depression, and was in a bad financial situation, so we offered her to stay with us to get a job and a place. I genuinely thought she would be gone without a few months.

However, she has worked approx 12 weeks in the last year, constantly giving up jobs, asking people for money. Around 4 months ago I had a calm chat and said she needed to make a plan to leave within 3 months. Soon after she had a break down and was in a&e almost every night saying she wanted to kill herself, I then felt bad, and tried to help with getting professional support for her. Also stupidly told her not to worry about rushing to leave (I was just so worried about her committing suicide)

fast forward she’s on medication now and seems mentally so much better, but still isn’t working, claims to be job searching but no luck.
DH is so fed up with her, and wants me to kick her out. I totally get DH anger, and I’m so upset she’s putting us in this situation but I’m so scared to ask her to sort her crap out that she will have another breakdown.

To note, there are no other family members/friends she can stay with.

what do I do????

Thank you 🙏

She's had plenty of hand-holding by the sound of it.
Time to stand on her own two feet.
Does she care about anyone but herself?

Reframe her trauma apparently.

Such a male response.

She is not going to leave unless you make her, is she?

You can't ask her to leave without her getting upset.

Its going to be unpleasant OP, but you have just got to get on and do it.

Offer to help her, lots of advice from PPs, but you have to be very clear about what you are asking and you have to stay firm. If you are all she's got she won't want to risk alienating you will she? You might have to remind her of this at some point.

Oh they do.

However you have to be unintentionally homeless, which if kicked out of her sisters home after a nearly a year, OP's sister will be, she will need proof of that though.

This is also why those being evicted from a private tenancy, need to wait until they are evicted, in order to be considered homeless. If they leave before the bailiffs show up, they're considered 'intentionally homeless' and the LA don't have to house them.

Many people living rough are intentionally homeless because they have walked out of perfectly suitable housing through debt, drug use and other issues. Many will have already been provided with housing and again, have walked away from it for whatever reason.

Some people are homeless because they can't jump through the hoops required by the local authority (paperwork, turning up to meetings etc, get the right benefits in place).

And then there are those who don't actually want to be housed - yes, they exist as much as you can't understand it, they really do.

Thanks everyone!
Can I please make it clear that my child is safe around her, she has depression she’s not a psychopath. They actually have sound a lovely bond, that’s the only positive thing with her being here, she will give her so much time and attention.
DD has no clue of what’s going on, I’ve never attended a&e with my sister during her episodes.
I am also very present, we never discuss anything in front of her, it’s always fun and playing games when DD is in the room.

You can be mentally ill and not be a psychotic mess.
You can suffer from depression or even from bi-polar disorder and not be a danger to others.
I’m happy that you show so much grace to your sister, @Sophie2525— even if it is time for her to leave.
You’re a good sister and a good friend to someone who needs it right about now.

Very difficult situation. Your DH is a saint.. there comes a time when you need to prioritise your own little family and marriage.

Your best bet is to help her find a room in a house share. You might have to gift her a deposit. Tell her she will be welcome for dinner at your house once a week and maybe you drop in to visit her for a coffee once a week too.

OP has your sister actually had a mental breakdown as declared by doctors? You say that you didn't go to A&E with her, did she go by herself, did you have to call an ambulance, did your DH take her? What exactly did her 'break down' consist of? It just all seems a bit too convenient to me, that this all started as soon as you spoke to her about moving out. Anyone can say that they want to kill themselves, but it doesn't actually mean that they would do it. Perhaps if you can explain her behaviour in more detail, it will give us a clue as to whether she's just playing you, or whether she is genuinely depressed and unable to cope.

Also, has she sorted out her debts now? Is she claiming benefits? Is she paying you rent or money toward her food. How is she actually spending her days? You seem to be asking for help, but not actually giving us much information to go on.

Seems your sisters so-called depression does not stop her from being a Grade-A bullshitter.

Or a great actor. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Was your sister always like this, growing up?

Don't let it get to the stage where your husband leaves you and your DD then has to grow up in a broken home. Act now. Your child and husband are your greatest 2 priorities OP.

Move to a house with a granny annex for her. Living with others is probably benefitting her health and there's no particular reason to stop when what seems to be needed is a bit more personal space for all of the adults.

If that's not feasible, help her find somewhere close to you - not about rejecting her or refusing to support her but giving everybody a bit more personal space.

In the short term, try agreements that she'll be out on X evening till y time etc.

How is it benefitting her health when she's constantly threatening suicide

Most employers won't employ people with mental illness. Recently research by Kings college said that 80% of people living with MH are unemployed.
OP you might be better helping her to apply for DWP beñefits and access rented housing. You may want to ask her what her doctor/psychiatrist says about her health status currently. Eh is she ready for change or is she still vulnerable?

Good luck.

Oh man.. this is a hard one. Sorry I don’t have advice but lots of sympathy for you.. you’re not being unreasonable, but you’re in a very difficult position. Good luck. 💐

Go with her to housing and ask for them to support her to find semi supported living

This is true. This is depressing me thinking about this! Do update on what you decide to do. Best of luck to you and her!

Oh gosh.

yeah, I mean, she will have a breakdown and you need to accept that it isn’t your responsibility if that is your choice. She will go to hospital and they will sort her out when they learn that she is homeless.

that is the reality : she is homeless and have no way to change that.

By kicking her out, you need to fully acknowledge that you will receive calls from hospital asking if you can come and collect her and that you will have to say no to her when she is at her worse.
so that.
or you have to contact the usual services and make all the demands with her and make sure that you are parient because if she has you to host her…has no children and it is almost winter…they won’t be in a rush to sort her out.

I wish I could say something better…

Hope you get the help you and she need 🌺

I would give a deadline of 30 days and explain the locks will be changed on day 30.
Harsh but you can't carry someone through life, sister or not.

I’ve been in the same situation as your sister - jobless, homeless, depressed, suicidal - but wouldn’t have dreamed of behaving the way she has. I do sympathise with what she’s going through but she’s an adult and needs to take some responsibility for herself. I was lucky enough to have a good friend who offered to let me stay with him (and his two year old) for over a year until I got a housing association flat, but I contributed by paying bills, doing housework and babysitting - which also helped me by taking my mind off my own problems. I honestly think they saved my life and I wouldn’t still be here without them, and it was an amazing opportunity to bond with my friend’s son who is also my godson, so I’ve managed to get some positives out of what was probably the worst time of my life. Your sister should be grateful that you and DH have been so supportive and patient with her, not guilt-tripping you with threats of suicide.

On a more practical note though - if she was admitted to a&e with suicidal intentions that should give her high priority to be housed by the council. If she’s not already on the housing list you will probably have to help her to apply as she’s struggling to get motivated to do anything herself. The friend I stayed with got tough with me and marched me down to the housing office, and told them I couldn’t stay with him much longer because of his son and my mental health (which was a white lie in my case but may be true with your sister). It was tough but I’m so grateful to him for making me do that - I’ve been in my lovely flat for 15 years now and our friendship is still going strong. I hope your sister gets the help she needs, she might just need a push from you to ask for it. One thing to remember is that she has to show that she isn’t “making herself intentionally homeless” so she’ll need your backing to say that she can’t stay with you any longer. She will also need to demonstrate that her mental health issues would make her more vulnerable than normal if she was living on the streets - I know that’s brutal but it’s how councils operate these days and they’ll use any excuse to turn down a housing application.

Oh op I could have written this exact op myself a few years ago. My SiL came for a few days and stayed for 11.5 months.

The story is shockingly similar. Financial problems, (undiagnosed and complete refusal to acknowledge it and engage with MH services) mental health issues, extremely spotty employment, no sign of ever moving out.

I'm not exaggerating when I say it nearly broke us up. It nearly broke me.

If she is anything like SiL, you will have to physically go and find her somewhere to live. You will have to fill out the paperwork. You will have to physically move her stuff out. And, if it actually follows my story exactly, you will have to physically take your keys out of her hand.

I could actually weep for you. It’s incredibly frustrating trying to cajole / coerce / persuade an actual grown up to do something they really don’t want to and find Very hard.

please feel free to DM me if you think I can help / advise / support you.

This 👆

We have a winner OP. This poster is willing to take on your sister. One more shouldn't make any difference as it's so simple.