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Original poster

Sister living with us, for over a year…to kick her out

174 replies

Sophie2525 · 14/11/2024 00:35

My older sister (40 years old) has been living with DH, DD (2years) and myself for over a year, and I don’t know how to get her to leave!

Quick back story, she suffers with depression, and was in a bad financial situation, so we offered her to stay with us to get a job and a place. I genuinely thought she would be gone without a few months.

However, she has worked approx 12 weeks in the last year, constantly giving up jobs, asking people for money. Around 4 months ago I had a calm chat and said she needed to make a plan to leave within 3 months. Soon after she had a break down and was in a&e almost every night saying she wanted to kill herself, I then felt bad, and tried to help with getting professional support for her. Also stupidly told her not to worry about rushing to leave (I was just so worried about her committing suicide)

fast forward she’s on medication now and seems mentally so much better, but still isn’t working, claims to be job searching but no luck.
DH is so fed up with her, and wants me to kick her out. I totally get DH anger, and I’m so upset she’s putting us in this situation but I’m so scared to ask her to sort her crap out that she will have another breakdown.

To note, there are no other family members/friends she can stay with.

what do I do????

OP posts:
clareken260 · 15/11/2024 20:18

Look on the council website to see if they have any immediately available properties. These are generally in less than preferred areas, or flats. We got one when our landlord wanted to sell the house. In terms of space we lost the internal stairs and landing, but gained room space.

Sandflea9900 · 15/11/2024 20:44

I really feel for you OP. I’m trying to avoid getting into the same situation with my DB.

Necky1 · 15/11/2024 20:52

Very difficult but your child and marriage are your priority.
Don't risk either.
I think she needs to find a room somewhere OP.
You sound very kind.
Unfortunately depression can be very selfish.
It really is ok to want your home back.
Your husband sounds very kind too.

u3ername · 15/11/2024 21:34

She can put up cleaner ads on Facebook and such and start working tomorrow for £15+ an hour.
She can then move to a a shared flat which would be affordable.

izimbra · 15/11/2024 21:37

This thread makes me so, so sad.

izimbra · 15/11/2024 21:37

u3ername · 15/11/2024 21:34

She can put up cleaner ads on Facebook and such and start working tomorrow for £15+ an hour.
She can then move to a a shared flat which would be affordable.

She might struggle to find a shared flat without a steady and reliable income.

izimbra · 15/11/2024 21:45

BTW - about half of rough sleepers are homeless because their mental illness means families/friends/partners don't want to live with them. As many in this situation also find it hard to hold down a job the inevitable result is rough sleeping or sofa surfing.

If your sister ends up homeless OP at least you can comfort yourself that the average age of death for women who are rough sleeping is 43, so you won't have to worry about her for long.

u3ername · 15/11/2024 21:48

@izimbra she'll need a month's rent in advance + deposit no more than the monthly rent. That's her first goal to earn through cleaning.

And having steady income from cleaning, if you do the work, is easy. Very few people are willing to take the job up. They'd consider benefits first...

Her sister is still there - she is not moving to a different country- but she can start working towards being independent now.

keffie12 · 15/11/2024 22:01

@Sophie2525 Take your sister to your local housing at the council and make her an appointment for housing options.

They have a duty of care as she has mental health problems. Also get her to see the benefits advice team there and let them sort her with Universal sick and pip.

Tell her no option in the matter as you will be evicting her on XYZ date. You will need to confirm that to housing options she can't stay with you anymore

Deeperthantheocean · 15/11/2024 22:26

She will be entitled to UC, rent paid etc or even assisted living.

Original poster
Sophie2525 · 15/11/2024 23:18

I am really grateful for your responses. Trying to cover a few things, so financially I cannot afford to pay a deposit for a house share for her, she’s in DD bedroom. We’re in a 2 bed flat, although it sounds more dramatic, as DD co-sleeps with us, and would still be regardless. But my sister doesn’t know this so she thinks she’s taking DDs room.

Her mental health has always been up and down, we’ve never actually been close. She feels she is so hard done by, and always a victim.

Anyway you tried to address it with her, but she said he’s actively looking for work, but no one is getting back to her, which I don’t believe.
But how do I say you’re lying (when I don’t know)

Im looking into council houses for her, Im
so angry she’s doing this to us. I offered her to come for a few months and she had taken this piss

OP posts:
AlwaysYoshi · 15/11/2024 23:46

The uncomfortable truth is that she is not doing this to you, YOU are doing this to you (and your DH/DD).

You are the only one that can change this and it’s a straight forward solution - “sister, this was only supposed to be a temporary stay. It’s not working for my family anymore, you have until XX date to move out”

Im not saying it will be easy. It will be emotionally tough and disruptive to all involved, but it’s the only way you’ll get your life back.

HelplessSoul · 16/11/2024 07:00

Sophie2525 · 15/11/2024 23:18

I am really grateful for your responses. Trying to cover a few things, so financially I cannot afford to pay a deposit for a house share for her, she’s in DD bedroom. We’re in a 2 bed flat, although it sounds more dramatic, as DD co-sleeps with us, and would still be regardless. But my sister doesn’t know this so she thinks she’s taking DDs room.

Her mental health has always been up and down, we’ve never actually been close. She feels she is so hard done by, and always a victim.

Anyway you tried to address it with her, but she said he’s actively looking for work, but no one is getting back to her, which I don’t believe.
But how do I say you’re lying (when I don’t know)

Im looking into council houses for her, Im
so angry she’s doing this to us. I offered her to come for a few months and she had taken this piss

Just as I thought - your sister is a complete and utter bullshitter.

Plays the victim card? Tick.

Never lets you attend A&E during her fake episodes? Tick.

Look for work but conveniently no one gets back to her? Tick.

Ask her to show you evidence of jobs she hasapplied for. If she cant or wont, you know she is lying.

Shes playing you and you cant even see it. Your DH can. No wonder he is at the end of his tether.

The day he snaps, he wont just be throwing out your sister, he will throw you out too for supporting her.

Necky1 · 16/11/2024 07:26

HelplessSoul · 16/11/2024 07:00

Just as I thought - your sister is a complete and utter bullshitter.

Plays the victim card? Tick.

Never lets you attend A&E during her fake episodes? Tick.

Look for work but conveniently no one gets back to her? Tick.

Ask her to show you evidence of jobs she hasapplied for. If she cant or wont, you know she is lying.

Shes playing you and you cant even see it. Your DH can. No wonder he is at the end of his tether.

The day he snaps, he wont just be throwing out your sister, he will throw you out too for supporting her.

Show quote history

Read this again.
It nails it.

I certainly wouldn't tolerate this, it would be marriage ending for me.

Are you really going to put this user ahead of your child and husband.
If this ends your relationship, how will you feel about your choices?

Get her out now.
You do not owe this sponging user your marriage.
You are very kind but she is a user.
I would distance yourself with her once she is out.
She had a year to help herself, time to cut her loose.
This may never end if you don't.
She knows you are a soft touch.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/11/2024 07:27

@Sophie2525 this all sounds very familiar again. I’m sorry but you will have to go with her to appointments. You will have to sit with her and make Job applications. You’ll have to physically do it yourself. Because at the moment she has no real incentive to do it herself. Because, let’s face it, it’s a hard thing to do.

honestly the parallels are so strong with my situation it’s uncanny.

don’t be put off by the saintly martyrs here. You have done more than most would. More than plenty. You are allowed to say enough is enough.

Jellyslothbridge · 16/11/2024 09:08

A simple DD is getting older and needs her room back - remember it was only supposed to be a couple of months and can't be long term. Help her find accommodation the council may offer help with deposits etc for private rental but to afford it on benefits it will likely need to be a house share set up (she will have her own room which your DD isn't currently-remember this)

umdontdothat · 16/11/2024 09:37

Oh dear, your update is more concerning. I can't believe she's in your DD bedroom in a 2 bed flat.

NotTerfNorCis · 16/11/2024 10:11

If your sister ends up homeless OP at least you can comfort yourself that the average age of death for women who are rough sleeping is 43, so you won't have to worry about her for long.

What a horrible thing to say.

MissMoneyFairy · 16/11/2024 10:29

Help her look for seasonal work and claiming benefits. Take her to the housing department. Yes she's taking advantage.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/11/2024 10:33

The people saying the council will help with this and that Have clearly not been in the position of having to home someone like this. They will not consider her a priority because, as far as they are concerned, she’s not homeless.

OP is clearly not going to throw her sister in the streets despite what the po faced martyrs her are sugggesting.

but the sister won’t bust a gut to find a job or move out. Why would she? She’s very comfortable where she is.

So op you will have to do it yourself, for her.

Having wrangled with this exact situation myself for very nearly a year, giving ultimatums, being gentle, being firm, setting deadlines, cajoling, begging, involving others, leaving her alone, literally trying everything, doing it myself was the only thing that worked.

user1471538283 · 16/11/2024 10:45

It sounds like she's very comfortable where she is. If you ask her to leave she had episodes. She has no intention of finding a job and a home. She sees herself as a child.

You need the room for your family. If she doesn't go soon your husband will. You need your time and headspace for your family.

There is plenty of seasonal work about at the moment that she could save towards a room in a shared house. Then she leaves in January.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/11/2024 10:57

@user1471538283 has it right “she sees herself as a child.”

Dontbeme · 16/11/2024 11:10

How long can this continue realistically OP? She's had a year and done nothing with a full year of your support and housing her.

You simply don't have the resources she needs to restart her life and as long as she's there she won't restart her life as right now everything is very comfortable for her.

So your DC goes without a bedroom,
You and DH are working to financially support an adult that could support herself,
You or DH cannot ever come home from work and have a quiet evening to relax as she's always there,
You won't be able to have anymore DC as you have no space for them,
You would never be able to move house without considering the wants/needs of a non-contributing adult,
Her presence is impacting the wellbeing of your DH and putting your marriage at risk.
Your DC will never be able to have a school friend over to play as they don't have their own room.

How long are you willing to sacrifice your DC and DH to support a woman who won't engage in anything to help herself. In the short term has she even applied for work in shops for the Christmas period, it would be a start to get her back in the workplace.

keffie12 · 16/11/2024 11:15

MissMoneyFairy · 16/11/2024 10:29

Help her look for seasonal work and claiming benefits. Take her to the housing department. Yes she's taking advantage.

@BitOutOfPractice I work in this area so know how it works. The sister presents as homeless. The sister explains why she can't stay there. The council housing options team have a duty of care as her daughter needs her room back. I don't know if it works the same all over the country however housing options are the ones to go too. They will also help sort benefits out too and they can help with deposits in private rented

@Sophie2525 You need to sort this out. Get her down the council on Monday. She is in your daughter room is unbelievable

BitOutOfPractice · 16/11/2024 11:39

Well @keffie12 in my area simply presenting yourself as homeless is met with a very firm “no you’re not!” I speak as someone who has physically taken a family member to the council, in this exact situation, asking this exact question, to be met with this exact answer.