Daughter has changed her name

[Tresdesrth]

My 15 y DD has requested to change her name at school to a boys name and is now trans she says. She is ASD and a few years behind her peers emotionally. The guidance teacher says they have to inform me but it’s up to the young person. Today is the first day of the name change and I am so tearful and also angry. My daughter doesn’t have a reason for this. She is bullied and a loner at school. I took her shopping over the weekend and she made a beeline for handbags and bows for her hair. We went to the mens sections and she wasn’t interested, I just followed her lead. I’m finding the whole thing confusing and bizarre. AIBU???

Handbags and bows isn't what makes a woman..

i hope you find support op.sounds tough

There’s a huge crossover between autism and identifying as transgender. I personally believe a lot of this comes about when the person is struggling with their autism, and they are not truly trans. Is there more support available for the asd?

Oh, I know that, it’s just so sudden really.

This.

Hopefully it's a phase and she will get over it soon. Does she have a therapist?

This whole trans mess is very worrying where teens are concerned.

The guidance teacher says they have to inform me but it’s up to the young person.

I'm pretty sure that's actually incorrect.

Who is she talking to online?
If she's a loner at school she must be getting these ideas from somewhere. Having asd may make her feel like an outsider and therefore that means she must be trans (in her head)

OP that's tricky to navigate because there are lots of complex issues going on with Autistic girls identifying as trans.

The Cass report showed that there is a strong link and from my first hand experience, my daughter is also autistic, this is true.

If you want advice on how the school is handling it, I'm not sure that they should be supporting social transition then I'd suggest Safe Schools Alliance https://safeschoolsallianceuk.net/

Autism charities are difficult because they seem to have fully embraced the ideology, especially the National Autistic Society.

Have you been able to have any form of conversation with her about it, if it's not stereotypes that are making her want to identify as a boy (which seems to be the case from your shopping trip) do you know what it actually is? It might be social contagion, or for a sense of belonging.

I would try to push home the message that girls can be anything they want to be and play down the name thing while you find out what actually has been happening at school. Hopefully it will blow over. If not Bayswater support has been helpful to lots of families https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Trans? Or an autistic kid understandably not liking that her body has been going through changes, and that this in turn has impacted how the world sees and treats her? And is living in a world that tells her that this must mean she's trans. It must be so confusing to be a vulnerable child these days.

She has counselling where she talks things through but I don’t think the counsellor would put the two together in conversation. It’s very hard to navigate. I’m just following her lead

OK, I had a rummage and the draft government guidelines (so, previous government) say:
6.1 Registration of Name and Sex
Every school must know and record the name and sex of every pupil in the admissions register. Schools must store and process a pupil’s data according to the law...
6.2 Changing Names
Schools must record a child’s legal name in the admissions register. They may allow pupils to change their informal (‘known as’) name if they believe it is in the best interests of the child to do so. Having fully consulted with the child’s parents, schools and colleges can allow a child to change the name by which they are known.

It's OK. Just let her use whatever name she likes and go on her own journey. It's not like she's asking to have surgery or take hormones. It may just be something she wants to explore. I think just try and remain calm and don't overreact as it may spur her towards doing it as a rebellion.
She's still the same person she's just exploring her identity which a lot of people do in the teen years and always have. Just now there's all this new language for it. There's no need to react so strongly

There is evidence that social transition is not a neutral act. Often it does lead on to wanting medical transition.

What worries me about OP's post is the schools actions. They should not be socially transitioning children.

All in the Cass report.

I would keep home the grounded in reality place. Keep her normal name. Don't make a big deal out of it at all. Don't question when she flip flops. Make it all a massive non event but be firm in what is real and what is not if she brings it up.

"My daughter doesn’t have a reason for this. She is bullied and a loner at school. "

This part jumped out at me. The 'reason' may be right there. Maybe she is searching for 'reasons' and the whole trans thing is being clung to be a lot of autistic teens who are really struggling to understand themselves and who feel different and alone.

I am not anti trans and I don’t think the mumsnet assumption that ASD people don’t know what they are doing holds water.

But I don’t think you should worry so much that your dd is doing something irreversible or harmful by experimenting with her name/gender identification.

She has been bullied and feels unsafe/vulnerable at school. Maybe for her taking on a non binary or more masculine identity, or just aligning herself with other outsiders, feels like a good defensive posture?

Just support her as much as you can. If she wanted to be more femme and changed her name to tiffany would you be upset? Just treat the name/pronoun change matter of factly and see what happens. Its not a judgement on you.

So it her ‘known as’ name that changed today. They did talk to me and I voiced all my concerns. The guidance teacher brought up the link with ASD herself which was a relief. But they only have to consult me and they still pushed the the known as name because that’s what my DD wanted.

I don't know what you mean by "guidance teacher", I've never known those in schools. Anyway, pp are correct - the school can only allow a name change with the agreement of the parents.

Be careful what she can access on the internet, grooming into trans status is rife, particularly vulnerable autistic girls.

Also be wary of counselling - many now take an affirmative approach of whatever the young person says, so it is taken as 100% true, and there’s often no balance or even gentle questioning in a situation where truth is being hugely distorted.

First mistake we made as parents was agreeing to a changed name. The Cass report, amongst other sources, confirms that changing pronouns and names is NOT a neutral act. Assuming you are in the UK, the school should absolutely NOT be changing names/pronouns etc without reference and consultation with parents.

I’d complain to the Board of governors, the LEA and your MP. And insist that tjey revert to her legal, birth name. I’d also speak to your GP to seek a referral and if you can afford it find a private non-affirming/neutral therapist who is experienced in supporting pubescent teens who may be ‘gender’ questioning.

I echo the advice upthread - Bayswater might be a good source of support and resources, OP.

I know a young lady who at 15 changed her name (well known as name) still uses that 9 years on but by 20 "stopped" being trans and is a well adjusted gay woman now. She never took medication, but it was fine just to go with what she asked for

Yes, I would agree that she needs a neutral therapist to help her navigate her traits and the issue of bullying. They should also be able to work on self esteem and positivity about being female.

If you insist on using her given name she will just get distressed. Let her be called what she wants to and dress how she wants to. It’s not asking that much.

What you are describing is social transition, and the Cass report was very clear that this is not a neutral act

I would continue to be the voice of reason at home and not go along with any of it, say her friends can call her what they like but you spent a lot of time choosing her name and that is the one you'll be using.

DD has never been into dresses and has always dressed from both the 'pink' and 'blue' sections, had a short hair style due to sensory issues

I had previously worked in a secondary and knew this could rear it's head due to her ASD so spent alot of time dropping in references to more androgenous people like Tilda Swinton etc. locked down her internet usage as ASD teens are drawn to gender ideology as they see it as warm and welcoming when they feel outer of kilter with the world around them opposed to the grooming cult it is.

She dabbled very briefly with it and then like many of my former 'Trans' female students said she was same sex attracted - that was no issue and it died a death from then.

DD has settled on her own style now, more Dark academia than anything lots of Disturbia, shirts and waistcoats in her wardrobe paired with a good smoky cat eye.

In my experience most of my 'Trans' female students were same sex attracted and it wasn't accepted at home and came out later, had experienced SA and it was safer being a 'man', were autistic and confused about the greyness of self expression and felt they needed to be in one box or the other. These students were often in the same friendship groups or same pecking order in different years. Often in class other students would bend over backwards to get their new name right so there was an element of attention in it, loved to correct staff and disrupt a lesson and then those same students would call the same sex attracted girl in the corner a 'Dyke' which I could never quite work out - I sanctioned them obviously.

The worst case I had was two students both had incredibly complex pasts, unmet emotional and MH needs, and really needed some significant input. Instead the school went along with it with the 'Trans' sticking plaster letting the students change their name frequently not giving them the strong boundaries both desperately needed to feel safe and secure from a tumultuous past and homelife and generally not giving them the actual help they needed.

Just be aware that self harmers also tend to go hand in hand with these children and it's incredibly common amongst that group, many of them seeing it as normal due to them talking about it with each other or online.