Daughter has changed her name

[Tresdesrth]

My 15 y DD has requested to change her name at school to a boys name and is now trans she says. She is ASD and a few years behind her peers emotionally. The guidance teacher says they have to inform me but it’s up to the young person. Today is the first day of the name change and I am so tearful and also angry. My daughter doesn’t have a reason for this. She is bullied and a loner at school. I took her shopping over the weekend and she made a beeline for handbags and bows for her hair. We went to the mens sections and she wasn’t interested, I just followed her lead. I’m finding the whole thing confusing and bizarre. AIBU???

I would get them as much help and support as possible, because that's not a happy child.
Being female is low status, it can be horrible going through a female puberty. She needs support. She's bullied and miserable, poor girl.
The school can only alter a name on their records with the express consent of the parents.

Do not buy into her delusion like some posters suggest.

Be there for her when she needs you

I would absolutely not be "following her lead" if this was my daughter.
I would be saying, youre a girl, no one has ever changed sex and you can't either - its impossible.

Be the voice of reason, and the place of sanity.

Don't get lost in the trans madness which could lead to irrevocable harm to your daughter.
Do not trust the school to act in her best interests - they are effectively grooming her, against DoE advice.

Look at Sex Matters, Safe School Allianace, Transgender Tred etc for more resources to support you & your daughter.

You might find this series of short films useful:

Sending strenght OP - there is a lot to navigate but you can do this

Err no if the child is competent they can let the child be known by a preferred name on the register. There’s a bit of leeway here and as soon as the child is 16 she is entirely free to request a change of name.

That does appear to contradict the advice that we have received from the DfE.
We do not allow name changes without parental consent.

As a teacher, I’ve met a lot of transgender teenagers-probably 50 in total. I’ve only met one that wasn’t autistic. There’s a strong link between autism, transgender ideation and eating disorders. I imagine it’s to do with not feeling comfortable in your skin and feeling that a change of gender could help.

Your daughter is a child and needs your protection and to guide her. Changing her name to a boy's name will lead to pronoun changes and confusion. Children believe they can change sex because they are children.

If she continues down this path she may find it difficult to come back from, particularly if she has an online "rainbow family" egging her on.

There are some brilliant resources for parents at Transgender Trend here: https://www.transgendertrend.com/resources-for-parents/

And specific resources about autism and gender identity here:
https://www.transgendertrend.com/autism-gender-identity-introduction/

Ensure her name is her birth name or a shortened version of it at school - and don't underestimate the pain it causes you because you chose that name so carefully for her when she was a baby. Take time to process those hurt feelings of yours.

She needs you to support her as she is and to keep loving her, but also to stop her from making a decision like this when she can't possibly understand the consequences. Do not follow her lead on this, be her parent.

Take care of yourself during this time. It will be hard and long, but it will be OK.

It’s not as clear cut but it’s up to the individual school and they can use a preferred name if the child is competent. There’s not a fixed rule against it though and different schools have different policies.

Transgender Trend has resources for parents https://www.transgendertrend.com/resources-for-parents/

and specific info about autism and gender identity
https://www.transgendertrend.com/autism-gender-identity-introduction/

Best wishes OP, it's a tough thing to deal with but the climate is changing since the Cass report and the subject coming more into the mainstream. Pressure on parents to 'affirm' unquestioningly should be less now than it was.

Either they are trans or they aren't. Either way it'll work its way out in the end.

Just make sure you support them, or it might not be forgotten.

Why not encourage your child to talk to a therapist about her make change?

Tell her it is such a big step that before she makes the commitment it ought to be explored with a professional

Also remind her that you chose her name as her mother and you need time to get your head around things too!

Have a read of this and please be very careful and cautious
https://genspect.org/resources/guidance/guidance-for-parents/

OP, kindly, you need to take the heat out of your reaction. It won't help.

My ASC daughter has been gay, a trans boy and is now bi. She has been a he, a they and back to a she. She has had various names in her teenage years. We all just went with the flow. I can't say I wasn't worried at times, not because I would mind if she became a he (at all), but because at this age (she's 14) it's so fluid, partic as a ND child.

She now has a very strong sense of who she is. Although life as an ASC teen is SUPER tough she no longer worries about her identity.

She has that because we've had open conversations throughout, I haven't belittled or disregarded how she felt and feels, and we had some really good, honest support from CAMHS. We've also had the most grown-up nuanced conversations about gender identity, which tbh a lot of so-called grown-ups could learn from. It has been a process of open, honest exploration for us both.

Your DD is trying to find her place in a confusing world. Support her rather than fight her - and it's highly likely the outcome will not only be a happier child, it'll be an identity that you feel OK with.

I am going on DfE advice and policy of our Academy Trust.

Ask her what makes her want to be trans, and if there’s anything she thinks she can’t do as a girl, and then go from there. That’s been my plan for if my daughter gets caught up in all of that…

We used to be like, “girls and boys can do, wear, and be anything they want! Get rid of gender norms!” And now it seems to have come full circle with children hearing about transitioning and thinking they’re a different gender because they align more closely with the opposite sex’s gender norms, and that evolves into psychologists and psychiatrists pushing medical permanent medical treatment for gender “dysphoria” that they didn’t actually/originally have.

Well yeah I didn’t say you should do anything different but a school taking a different approach to yours isn’t necessarily wrong seeing as there is ambiguity.

The school CANNOT do this without your consent. Refuse it. In writing.

get a therapist

google Bayswater parents support group and join them they will help.

You’re not alone.

I was about to write almost exactly the same thing.

I consider myself lucky to have grown up before the internet age.

Totally this. Those suggesting you read transgender trend and then ban her from the internet don’t have a clue. You need to listen to her and respect her. If she prefers a different name, don’t fight her on it. She needs to feel supported and safe. If it’s not the right route for her she will desist soon enough anyway. She’s not proposing anything that is irreversible or drastic. In less than a year she can make her own mind up about name change and can change it by deed poll. Honestly you’re fighting a losing battle and these teens with unsupportive parents dont suddenly realise that the parents were the voice of sanity - they tend to become estranged instead.

First time I’ve ever replied but really wanted to give you my experience.

My 18 year old Came out as trans aged 13 - told me they were now a boy changed their name and insisted as soon as they were 18 they wanted the hormones and surgery.

we just supported them and went along with it. Fast forward to now, they still identify as he/him but have decided that’s as far as they want to take it. They predominantly wear jeans and t shirts but wear makeup and dresses sometimes.

I also have a 16 year old who at 14 told me they were a girl but refuses to wear girls clothes and is happy to be called their given name.

both are autistic but my younger child has other physical disabilities which never bothered them until they hit puberty.

What does this even mean? You seem to be saying that there's no one out there influencing confused young, mostly autistic people to identify as trans against their best interests, which I know for a fact is definitely happening. You also seem to be saying it does no harm, which is also untrue. And you also seem to be saying the only way to support a child is to agree that everything they are saying is true and correct, even if you think actually they would benefit from thinking about and discussing further what they've somehow come to believe about themselves. How is this parenting?

Yeah helpful. The poster says her child has ASC so not serious mental health problems. She said she listened to them which all parent should do and supported them.

Would you tell your anorexic child they were fat? No but I wouldn’t say “just eat something” as a response either. I’d listen and try to be supportive while also getting help for them. Also anorexics aren’t totally delusional as to what their body looks like - that’s a myth. They largely know how much they weigh and that they are incredibly underweight.

No, it's the other way round. No one is saying ban her from the internet, which isn't practical in this day and age. But OP needs to familiarise herself with what her DD is undoubtedly reading, and who she's most likely chatting to, and gain an understanding of their agenda so that she and her child can then discuss it. Estrangement is something that is pushed by these predators. OP can't counter it if she doesn't understand what she's dealing with. DCs, especially autistic ones, lack the critical faculties to understand that they're being groomed into a way of thinking that is based on ideology rather than reality.

I take it you don’t read reports either then (assuming you’re not a politician).

If a report came out about the effects of screen time on children’s learning, or the effects of UPF on children’s health, you wouldn’t expect parents to read it and consider its implications for their own child?

No one has suggested the OP get her child to read the Cass report.