Daughter has changed her name

[Tresdesrth]

My 15 y DD has requested to change her name at school to a boys name and is now trans she says. She is ASD and a few years behind her peers emotionally. The guidance teacher says they have to inform me but it’s up to the young person. Today is the first day of the name change and I am so tearful and also angry. My daughter doesn’t have a reason for this. She is bullied and a loner at school. I took her shopping over the weekend and she made a beeline for handbags and bows for her hair. We went to the mens sections and she wasn’t interested, I just followed her lead. I’m finding the whole thing confusing and bizarre. AIBU???

What are you and school doing about the bullying and the loneliness? To me it sounds like you just accepted that, but now you get worked up about the name change. I would be very sad and calling school everyday if my child was bullied! I also think it is a defense mechanism… she is being left out, not heard and not accepted. Let’s try and be someone else.

Do you actually want to go along with this? You are supposed to be consulted. It sounds as if you were pressured.

respect his pronouns and call him by his name. otherwise, you run a high risk of alienating your son

reports and "neutral acts" are for politicians, not children.

I suspect I have ASD and there was a period of time at school when I was gender confused although I was younger than your DD. I can imagine it is linked to trying to work out why you feel different to everyone else and wanting to find a community where you are understood as a “misfit”. The internet wasn’t really around then but I can imagine access to TikTok, Reddit or Facebook groups would’ve made me even more confused. Is there a way that she can connect with other people with ASD, even if it’s online?
If it helps, I grew out of the confusion. I’m happily a woman, although there are parts of my personality that could be considered “masculine” or “tomboyish”

Can I recommend you find her a girls rugby club, they'll be begging for players and we've found them very inclusive autism wise. It's a social sport too which is great for the friends aspect. But more importantly it gives your DD strong and physical women to be around which for her might be really useful.

To the PP who didn't know what a guidance teacher is, high schools in Scotland have them. I'm assuming the OP is in Scotland so any guidance should take into account Scottish rules/governance.

I agree with all of this.

At this stage it isn’t really any different to a girl with long beautiful hair deciding to have it shaved into a boys hairstyle. She’s not changing her name legally, and even if she did, it can always be changed back again if she wishes.
Its upsetting to you as a parent, but it’s likely just a phase. It’s almost like a style choice these days (but obviously not in all cases). It might not be forever, and if it is, cross that bridge when you get to it.

It sounds difficult to navigate, OP.

I really feel for your daughter. I suggest prioritising your relationship above all. Active listening. What with a younger child we'd call 'special time'- teens still need the attention, care and support if their parents even as they seem to push against it.

Do you have regular time together to do.something that you both enjoy?

It’s not really though - it’s a new name and it doesn’t say anything about pronouns in the OP. It’s social convention that some names are male and some are female anyway. And a lot of it is changing - there are girls named Taylor, James, Jamie, Ryan, Blake, Elliot, Evan and lots of other names that 40 years ago would have been seen as entirely male names. If she wants to be called something different to what you named her you should respect this just as you would if someone outside your family changed their name.

Thank you, I did wonder. Are they teachers or are they counsellors, and how influential are they?

🙄

I think you are being a wonderfully supportive mum, and good for you for following her/his lead.

Try to respect your DD's lead and use her preferred name if you can (and remember to). This may be something that goes somewhere, or it may be something that passes in a few months. You'll know one way or the other.

Has your DD mentioned pronouns (or perhaps she did this anyway)? Is she happy being she/her or does he prefer he/him (or they)?

🙀

Yet you don't get boys called Felicity, Arabella and Daisy.
It's a higher status to have male name.
Anyway. This isn't about the name, it's about a very vulnerable, unhappy and confused girl.

Massive link between ASD and trans/gender dysmorphia. I would do the research and talk to her. Sounds like this is escapism, perhaps led by online trans peer groups, rather than her actually thinking she's male.

It's not, but I don't know a single male who would have any interest in a bow!

True. But if your teenage child is unhappy with their name and wants a new one, who are you to refuse to call them by that name? And the school can’t refuse to use a preferred name either.

They are qualified teachers. In Scotland to be a teacher you have to be.

Depends what you mean by influential but they are the first port of call for pupils struggling

Seconding this, and also the advice to approach Bayswater, and the observations of the teacher upthread who linked autism to self-harm and also same sex attraction.

There are also a lot of threads on the Feminism board that may be of use/interest.

My experience, or one of my experiences at least, is that autistic children who are loners and don't fit in often gravitate towards the LGBT+ crowd because they get acceptance. Plus I think autistic kids struggle to process same sex attraction ("category error") and get sucked into online crap about how that "must mean" they're "really" trans.

Also, regarding gendered artefacts (hair clips etc) my experience of FTM trans kids in one of my DC's social circle is that they end up taking testosterone and growing facial hair, change their name to boys' names and expect everyone to collude in the fantasy that they're male, but they don't seem to change their behaviour from stereotypical "female" behaviour and hobbies etc. So they wear pink and have flowery tattoos and do crochet and knitting, and seem to think that makes them appear as gay men. They are also pleasant, well socialised and not above doing domestic tasks, unlike their MTF counterparts! All a wild generalisation of course, but the whole thing seems to be about taking wild generalisations and pretending they're the begininng and end of reality, to some extent.

I have a MTF trans child for context, and we have really been through it as a family. Sending love and strength to you OP.

That child is a girl, the OPs daughter.

Stop with your harmful ideology.

It’s a promoted teaching post, responsible for pastoral care. Every child will have an allocated guidance teacher, and each guidance teacher will often have responsibility for a year group or a house depending on the school.

I’d be worried about what she’s accessing on her phone. This stuff doesn’t come out of nowhere. She’s trying to find her tribe and if she’s struggling socially at school that’s probably been online. Going along with changing her name isn’t a neutral act.

I think you just need to roll with it. For a lot of kids changing your gender identity/pronouns is not really a big deal. My oldest is non binary and has quite a few trans friends and anyone actually transitioning beyond socially is very rare in this cohort.

DC has changed their name for the last 3 years and I suppose I was a little hurt at first but the fact is it's a lovely gender neutral name, I could see myself choosing it for a child and I think whatever happens with their gender identity the name is staying and suits them better than the one we gave them. It's nothing new really, I knew 2 or 3 kids at secondary school who started using a different name while there albeit not for gender reasons. DC is probably going to change it by deed poll in next year I think they've just put it on hold as they have a school trip early 2025 and don't want to have to change passport before then.

I've known about a dozen trans kids at this point in time who have all been supported by parents, 3 of whom desisted after 2-4 years. I also have a young trans male relative with ASD diagnosis and know a few of DC's friends are on spectrum (indeed DC might be themselves) and I have a totally personal and anecdotal theory that being trans helps some people on the autism spectrum move through life more easily, like it removes one big thing that doesn't feel right for them so life 'fits' better. Relative certainly seems to be happier, more social and more engaged with education since coming out a few years ago.

You sound like you are deliberately trying to rub salt into the OP's wounds.