Daughter has changed her name

[Tresdesrth]

My 15 y DD has requested to change her name at school to a boys name and is now trans she says. She is ASD and a few years behind her peers emotionally. The guidance teacher says they have to inform me but it’s up to the young person. Today is the first day of the name change and I am so tearful and also angry. My daughter doesn’t have a reason for this. She is bullied and a loner at school. I took her shopping over the weekend and she made a beeline for handbags and bows for her hair. We went to the mens sections and she wasn’t interested, I just followed her lead. I’m finding the whole thing confusing and bizarre. AIBU???

@SophiaCohle

"and wrecked your relationship"

What's stopping you having a loving relationship with your son?

When my girls were at school, everyone had “social anxiety” this is the latest phase, that I thought everyone was over. ( There appeared to be only one genuine case of this in the whole of their year )

It’s more than irritating when schools embrace or encourage it, it’s a mental health blip for some teens.

And should be regarded as such.

No, but being female is what makes a woman ( or girl) and is the ONLY thing that makes a woman.

But you know what OP means. She means her daughter clearly has no dysphoria about being perceived as a woman by associating herself with culturally female things.

I haven’t read all the replies yet.
DD wants the school to call her by the new name but told me and my partner to call her by her old name.
We do everything we can to help with her social
situation, bullying etc. Bar removing her from school which we can’t financially afford. I’m in touch with her guidance teacher all the time and she she takes part in singing and volunteering outside of school. We also take her walking, camping, canoeing as much as possible and it all seems to fade away.
Of course I’m not angry with her, I realise she needs to find her tribe and this is her way of trying to do that, I’m more angry that this seems to be rammed down kids throats from a very young age and some kids, especially ASD, take it all so literally and feel they need to get a label.
Its a strange thing to be navigating, especially when if you say anything you’re often instantly ‘transphobic’.
Im not, I don’t care what individuals do whatever, they’re still the same person.
oh, and similar to another posters experience, my daughter has been a wolf, gay, bi, straight, and a ghost whisperer.

I cannot recommend strongly enough contacting Bayswater Support group as others have already recommended.

https://www.bayswatersupport.org.uk

Apologies you are right. I'll retag the right poster.

Apologies this was meant for @SophiaCohle x

You seem to be getting a few different topics confused here.
I think the post in question is quite clear that the trans aspect is mental illness - nothing to do with autism.

Well the first thing I'd do is 'lose' her phone - she's almost certainly being groomed online. Is she into anime at all? Because that's where the groomers lurke, in my recent experience.

And when did it become unacceptable to say to your child 'don't be so bloody stupid'. Or to let the school decide that they're going to call her a boy now? And all the other kids have to accept it and go along with it? It's just all such gaslighting of other children IMO.

And as for the poster who sounds positively over the moon that her child came out as 'bi' at 8 years old....maybe don't take parenting advice from her....

Me too, there’s a small but real chance I could’ve spent part of my childhood as a trans cat 😅

Do you know anything about the counselor? Like their qualifications? Or their guidelines - like a list that tells them what to do in a given situation?
I feel strongly that school is for education, not taking away my parenting.

I would be unhappy to know that they have had a series of meetings and now you are advised as a final decision. I would have wanted to know at an early stage because I’m a good mum … do you think counseling advice was “don’t tell your mum”. ?

What else will she or counselor keep from you.

With all due respect this child would insist on being called her ' boy' name at home if this was a serious attempt at transition. The girl is ND & first & foremost professionals need to ascertain whether this is reality or as other posters have stressed a means to fit into anywhere she feels accepted due to being bullied. The school should be absolutely ashamed of themselves encouraging something so serious which at this early stage has not been proven.

I think you're doing the right thing with the real life experiences where it fades away. More of that will help. Limiting screen time, blocking certain websites and SM sites.

I would tell the school she can't change her name because adults will call her by a boy's name and change her pronouns. It forces other kids and adults to tell a lie about her sex. It is social transition and it's not neutral. Obviously she can get her friends to call her by the name she prefers, but they may just keep calling her by her natal name or tell her she's an idiot.

Stop teachers using a boy's name. This is your prerogative as a parent. It's like letting school agree with anorexia or bulimia. It won't help her.

Just to add. She has NOT changed her name in any legal sense. When she comes to sit her exams/be entered for GCSEs the school HAVE to use her legal name - it that which is on her passport/birth certificates. She cannot enact a deed poll herself until she is 18 (although you, as her parents, can do a deed poll for minors, but it has to be signed by both parents and witnessed by 2 3rd parties, which we stupidly did causing untold bloody hassle every since).

Ie. The school is absolutely NOT permitted to change her name in any meaningful sense, though they can used a preferred name as though it were a nickname. All her school paperwork should be in her legal/birth name unless you have advised them accordingly and provided deed poll paperwork.

Agree 100%.

This needs clamping down on sharpish

My dd changed her name when she was 17 to a gender neutral name, then came out as trans at 18. Like your dd she’s diagnosed ASD and is immature for her age, my dd has never been girly when it comes to clothes but she’s also not very masculine either. She wants to wear men’s clothes but then says men’s clothes are boring and ends up buying women’s clothes, she does wear a binder which is destroying her breasts but she doesn’t look or come across as male.

I have always allowed her to express herself, we have always talked openly about sexuality and there’s never been an issue of her hiding her identity. I just find it hard to understand why she thinks she’s male when she’s not very masculine, but of course I don’t voice this too her, I kind of just roll with it and hope it blows over.

She isn’t posting about a son.

She cannot enact a deed poll herself until she is 18 (although you, as her parents, can do a deed poll for minors, but it has to be signed by both parents and witnessed by 2 3rd parties, which we stupidly did causing untold bloody hassle every since).

She can legally change her name at 16 unless she's subject to a court order around parental residence.

Thank you, that's very kind and very much appreciated.

And @izimbra the answer to that is a huge topic that I think is beyond the scope of the OP's thread, but briefly, estrangement is very much provoked by the trans community and the cognitive dissonance required to straddle two worlds becomes very tough for a person to cope with unless they desist, which leads to shunning (and is not something my son is considering at present anyway). Suffice to say, it was not my choice, nor that of the rest of the family, some of whom are dedicated trans allies.

Stop being so woke and tell them to grow up.

And I, personally, found that it was very useful to get ahead of the situation and while keeping calm and being supportive, I found that knowing as much as I could allowed me to do that much better.

It didn’t matter whether I even needed the knowledge for my child, I also then found it really helpful when out of the friend group of 7, 5 of those friends declared trans identities.

Actually, just reading your post again, have you ever read the Bayswater Support pages?

Perhaps you are thinking I am recommending they contact organisations such as Mermaids? Which I would fully recommend OP avoiding completely.

Hello OP,
There is a board for parents of LGBTQ children.
FWR is not the right place for trans identifying DC. However I do acknowledge there are a number of experienced parents on that board who have been where you are.

My DD indentified as FTM at 14. It was heartbreaking for the family. However I know for certain the bullying she suffered at school made her seek out support on line. My DD is not ND but super geeky. She didn't fit in. We eventually found a school with zero tolerance of bullying. It made all the difference.
Eight years on I have a very different gender non conforning daughter. She still uses a boys name at uni and with her friends but not with us.
I told her I would never facilitate surgery (she wanted me to pay) and that I thought she was a beautiful person inside and out even if she needed to call herself 'Fred'. We have many family members who are ND including my brother, my late mum and my DDs cousins. Acceptance is getting easier.
Please read everything you can on trans ideology. Be vigilant. Clothes and names don't matter.

Sorry - yes, I realise it is 16 after all. We did it at 13/14, so I misremembered!

However, if OP’s DD is under 16, the rest of my comments stands.

Also Teachers are not qualified to decide if it's appropriate for a child to change their identity & name at school. According to OP the school are agreeing to go ahead with the child's wishes regarding her name. In that case if a pupil turns up with a tatoo of a knife on his arm & subsequently expresses a wish to be known as slasher the school would accept it. After all it's their choice & this should be respected. I am 100% in support of young people who suffer in the wrong body but transitioning shouldn't be taken lightly. It requires a huge amount of professional intervention. It's not just a fashion to be toyed with on a whim.

Does your local college cater for 14-16 year olds? You can put her in college she might prefer it in there. They teach them three days a week. Two days will cover English, maths and PSHE lesson. One day is subject that they want to do business, animal care, IT, beauty and some other courses they may offer. That might be worth looking into it's pointless keeping her there if it's making her miserable to the point where she has to see someone. She will mature but not in that settling you have to create a new path for her if you can.