Daughter has changed her name

[Tresdesrth]

My 15 y DD has requested to change her name at school to a boys name and is now trans she says. She is ASD and a few years behind her peers emotionally. The guidance teacher says they have to inform me but it’s up to the young person. Today is the first day of the name change and I am so tearful and also angry. My daughter doesn’t have a reason for this. She is bullied and a loner at school. I took her shopping over the weekend and she made a beeline for handbags and bows for her hair. We went to the mens sections and she wasn’t interested, I just followed her lead. I’m finding the whole thing confusing and bizarre. AIBU???

No I didn't. That was because I had never come across that term in 40 years of teaching in England. Turns out it's a thing in Scottish schools.

I'd keep calling her by the name you gave her.
You don't have to go along with her choices.

Is she doing well at school? If not I’d pull her out and homeschool her for a while (you can use online schools) to see if anything improves. It’s going to be the bullying that caused this and the school is going to do everything it can to avoid admitting that

100%. They struggle to fit in because of their autism and are so desperate to find a solution, they fall into things like this. I’d bring her to a psychiatrist or therapist if she doesn’t already have one, OP

Furthermore taking on a trans identity may protect her from the bullying as none of the children will want to be labelled transphobic.
Also it's a much more concrete thing that the school can step on than the usual catty girl bullying that can be quite subtle and much easier to gaslight the adults into helplessness with.

Quite.
So maybe other procedures might be different too? Because, you know, education is devolved and different up here.

Very wise

Sadly

Ireland has guidance counselors - though the qualification needed to provide basic counseling & support to school children is laughably simple.

Side rant but I had a guidance counselor assigned to me for an anxiety disorder and she was less qualified than my sister, who had just graduated college for social care. She never actually allowed me to speak about what was making me anxious, and instead played meditative CDs and told me to think positively 🙈

Moral of the story to anyone reading this: Don’t rely on your child’s school to help them. I was a teacher for a few years as well, and the amount of teachers who are insanely out of their depth is, well, insane.

Yes I have seen this happen.

Read my post again. Then read yours. I wasn't talking about being gay. I was talking about being gay and then amending that to "being bi". Which is exactly what you described too.

I have two gay kids. I have no problem with them being gay. One of them is autistic. And now calls himself bi. That's because he also fancies women. But only women who are actually cross-dressing men, like him. It's confusing to be gay once you're also confused about what sex you are. Trans ideologues skip over this issue by declaring everyone is bi. It's a gateway belief that - if I had known about it - would have alerted me to the fact that someone was feeding my son misinformation

From how you are describing things, your child has also been groomed online. I would like to be supportive but it's hard when you're so sure you know it all. I would hate for you to come back to the site in another 10 years and have to admit you were wrong and you've lost your child to an ideology that seems to have completely overtaken their mind and wrecked your relationship, as many other parents have had happen to them, including ones like me who started off being supportive and affirmative because they didn't know any better. At least I was advised badly. You don't have that excuse.

Guidance teachers are certainly part of the Scottish education system. I am assuming the OP lives in Scotland (although perhaps there are guidance teachers in other countires too). in Scotland they deal with pastoral care and also teach a subject.

Thanks - I think that's interesting. I've come across some very poor pastoral support workers, I do think it's quite variable.
It's also a good point about their qualifications.

Fortunately I’ve only seen it happen through other’s stories and not in RL (off the internet) but I can see how easily it could happen. My brother is autistic, and while he doesn’t believe in any of this so wouldn’t fall for it, I have seen how easy it is for people to manipulate him as he’s so trusting and believing in everyone and everything he reads. All it takes is one vulnerable child to read “this will make your life better!!” And cling to it as it’s a form of hope in a sea of fear

Thank you for clarifying this. It's obviously part of the pastoral system in Scotland and operates in a very particular way.

This is tricky, and i admit my views here are coloured by being close to someone with a detransitioned child who holds their parent responsible for not stepping up to stop them when they fell down the rabbit hole (their words). So i think you walk a difficult line. If it were my DD i think all i could do was be my 'authentic self'. I would tell her that i didnt believe girls could become boys, that id never lied to her in her life, and wasnt going to start now by pretending i did believe it. But that if she wanted to call herself a name not linked to being a girl or act and dress in ways she associated with boys, id respect her choice to do that. Then id keep it as low key as i could and carry on as normal, and cross each new bridge as it came.

I’ve got no experience but just wanted to offer a ‘hand hold’ as such.
I’d be tempted to continue calling her by her name, telling her how loved she is just as she is & seeking counselling for her. It’s quite well documented that autism and seeking an ‘answer’ can lead young adults, in particular, to believing they are somehow in the wrong body.
Your poor daughter must be so confused right now - it’s a shame the world isn’t more focused on helping people feel comfortable in who they are rather than false acceptance of what isn’t aligned with reality.

My teen recently diagnosed with ASD told me a couple of years ago that it was a comfort thing to be able to label themselves. Wonderfully, a few years on they reject labels now, but from around 12 - 16 years old, labelling themselves made them feel like they fit somewhere.

Has she discussed genders with you? Does she perhaps think males have more freedom etc? Or does she enjoy activity that may be seen as male? Has she said what trans means to her? Do you think this is to do with gender or perhaps wants a new identity?

Honestly, I think I’d do the same. Be completely honest about my own belief system while also allowing my child to choose things like hairstyles, clothing, etc that he/she liked. My child would always be referred to as their biological sex and the name they’ve always had, but frankly, I don’t care what style of clothing they wear or what haircut they have, so on and so forth. I’d also be willing to compromise on a nickname. But I won’t lie to my child and tell them they can magically switch biology around to suit their “needs”. That’s not how facts work, and I won’t do my child a disservice by pretending

Every secondary school in the country has children identifying as Trans now. Most revert back to their original sex- that is from DH's experience as a Head and mine as a SchooI Improvement Advisor for a LA.
I woudn't be too worried at the minute if you are simply taking her lead. The lead might well take you back to her original name or never progress beyond a name preference.

I did not see AI saying anything about any child's sexual orientation in their post. Have I missed something, or have you confused a sexual orientation with a gender identity? Or do you think a sexual orientation is the same as a gender identity?

@CatrionaBalfour

I think you are being very calm under the circumstances.

Families were lied to. In the light of Cass it is, in my opinion, unforgivable for parents to encourage this.

If you are going to make statements such as this, please back those statements up with studies and papers.

Otherwise, you are likely to be spreading misinformation on what appears to be a support thread for OP.

I am calm, but I think you have the wrong poster! 😊