Daughter has changed her name

[Tresdesrth]

My 15 y DD has requested to change her name at school to a boys name and is now trans she says. She is ASD and a few years behind her peers emotionally. The guidance teacher says they have to inform me but it’s up to the young person. Today is the first day of the name change and I am so tearful and also angry. My daughter doesn’t have a reason for this. She is bullied and a loner at school. I took her shopping over the weekend and she made a beeline for handbags and bows for her hair. We went to the mens sections and she wasn’t interested, I just followed her lead. I’m finding the whole thing confusing and bizarre. AIBU???

She wants her parents to continue using her birth name. I don't think it's wise to get into legally changing names just yet. She's going through a rough time at school and feels different because of the bullying. She needs a tight hand hold until when she is mature.

I think you are handling it perfectly, following her lead. 15 is a difficult enough age anyway. I also think that as she wants her usual name used at home, she's perhaps more continuing to try to find her tribe, as you say, than certain she's found it. It wasn't as a wolf or ghost whisperer, may not be as trans. Wishing you all so very well.

What a helpful response. 🙄

Yes, that was kind of my point - that the name change at school should not have happened. The parents have not agreed to a name change so the school should be using any name other than what the parents have entered onto registration forms with the LEA/school.

Changing a child’s name will not address bullying - the school needs to step up and sort the bullying out, the pastoral care team should be on board, and if the school is not being effective then the board of governors/trustees need to be notified and complaint procedures instigated. Affirming a transgender identity is not the solution.

And I say that as the mother of a bullied, autistic child who identified as trans for 7 years. Allowing others to affirm my child did not help, though the tight hand hold we gave her and the refusal to allow further indoctrination did ensure she could not go any further down the transitioning road, unlike a friend’s daughter who at 19 has already surgically transitioned (courtesy of the NHS) despite considerable complex mental health needs.

YANBU

Sit your daughter down and have a talk to her about puberty, its normal to feel uncomfortable with having periods. Just because other girls are having periods and wearing makeup doesnt mean shes any less of a girl. And just because other girls are bullying her doesnt mean she has to bow down to it.

Also monitor her internet access, look at her online activites and phones. Autistic teenagers are still toddlers in the mind, and lot more susceptible to online grooming and peer pressure than 'normal' teenagers (who are impressionable in themselves)

No harm in waiting this out. There isn't a need to rush into anything, majority of people who struggle with their gender don't feel the same way as adults . Just love her and listen to her through this difficult time. Build up her self worth.

She is bullied and a loner at school

This is the issue you should be fighting to improve. You say it as if being bullied is somehow inevitable. Maybe it’s time she tried to change school.

It's concerning that this poor lass is being bullied and school sound like they doing sweet FA about it.

Gender : A wider lens is a good podcast resource

🙄

This. Take the phone. Look through every single conversation in detail. Don’t say you’re going to do it. Just do it.

I found out some things that were essentially grooming.

I'm going to second the FE college option. It's less restrictive. No uniform and a lighter hand. I wish I had done it with my DD. My daughter had four secondary schools (one a sixth form due to her favourite only going to 16). She was desparely unhappy in one and two.
Not Fine in School (website and FB) is a great resource. They helped me enormously. It has to be your daughter's choice. Go visit a few alternatives. The online community is where danger lies. There are some sick people out there. Mine was targeted to speak at rallies. They wanted a university mouth piece. She's very shy so not a chance of that.
Lots of DC grow out of trans belonging. It is waining especially with the publication of Cass. My daughter knows we love her. I say to her 'you can call yourself Fred but your birth name is precious to me, so I'm sticking to that. I also say you'll be a great mother so you need all your bits and it's unfair to ask for medical proceedures when we can't afford cancer care for others. Simple logic. I've stuck at it. And you know what, my DD has never changed her name. She's had the paperwork and never did it.
Remember also that teachers were told that if they used the wrong pronoun they could be disciplined. Some have lost their jobs in the last few years. Stonewall has a lot to answer for.

She has a daughter, who I assume she respects very much!

I have only skimmed the whole thread, sorry, but I have sympathy with this incredibly difficult situation. It’s like walking on eggshells.
I don’t want to be alarmist but it is astonishing how easy it is for a just-18 year old, who has saved up a few hundred pounds eg from a Saturday job, to get themselves a hormone prescription from some unregulated online business like GenderGP and then go to the NHS for “shared care” and get some cavalier GP who doesn’t want to take any responsibility to continue prescribing it with no investigation whatsoever. And just-18 is hardly a mature adult.

The poor child is possibly being groomed or at the very least given her ND status easily led. Teachers seem to be expected to pander to a child's every whim nowadays without the professional intervention to deem whether it's appropriate. I mentioned in a pp & tongue in cheek at least OPs daughter didn't announce to her school her new name is Fido & she should be allowed to bark without question when she feels like it. Little did I realise this could actually happen without any intervention regarding her mental state.

In years to come this child may indeed transition to become male. To do this without years of professional help is diabolical given what she would have to go through mentally & physically.

Absolutely. It's horrific and really frightening how little authority parents are allowed these days to protect their children . It seems many children need protecting from school.

@Tresdesrth - check the phone. Every message app. Every photo. Every file.

When I was at school there was a maths teacher proseletising evangelical Christianity to students.
One of his students converted undr his guidance.
I cannot see how this is any differwnt.

No I don't think there's anyone out there influencing young minds regarding their gender or their sexuality. If that was possible, then why aren't you as outraged at children being influenced into hiding their trans self?

Please provide sources for your claim "you know for a fact is definitely happening"

You've clearly got very poor reading comprehension and have just assumed most things you have said.