Daughter has changed her name

[Tresdesrth]

My 15 y DD has requested to change her name at school to a boys name and is now trans she says. She is ASD and a few years behind her peers emotionally. The guidance teacher says they have to inform me but it’s up to the young person. Today is the first day of the name change and I am so tearful and also angry. My daughter doesn’t have a reason for this. She is bullied and a loner at school. I took her shopping over the weekend and she made a beeline for handbags and bows for her hair. We went to the mens sections and she wasn’t interested, I just followed her lead. I’m finding the whole thing confusing and bizarre. AIBU???

The school should be absolutely working with you - not taking the lead on this. THe best advice is to follow the "watchful waiting" approach. If they are doing things with your daughter without your permission, they are overstepping the mark & may indeed be in breach of their safeguarding duties.

The Cass Report has quite a bit of research that "social transition" eg boy's name, male pronouns, is not neutral & can be harmful ultimately.

Have a look at the resources that Genspect offers, and you might find the discussions by psychotherapists Stella O'Malley & Sash Ayad on the Podcast, Gender: A Wider Lens.

Absolutely correct, in my opinion. It's very easy for a child to say, teenage girls are horrid, bullying little bitches, I'm not a bullying little bitch, therefore I'm not a girl., Of course it's not true, She's just a good kid, who's logic is based on her experience.

For 15 years the OP has loved and known her child as her daughter.

This isn’t something for the OP to take lightly here. It isn’t as black and white as just “respecting someone’s pronouns”.

Totally agree with this level headed advice OP.
After all, it could be class A drugs or inappropriate sexual behaviour. It's not. Sorry to just relax.

What a horrible and hateful post. So, anyone who's not straight or ND has "serious mental health problems"?

My child has autism. So do I. How dare you suggest we are mentally unwell, or that by listening to and supporting my child, seeking the professional help of CAMHS, seeking support from the school, and doing a huge amount of research that I am somehow irresponsible.

My girl is fine, thank you. She's bi. As in, she likes boys and she likes girls.

Would you tell my gay child it's all in her mind? No.

(Because that would be a hate crime.)

(I'm reporting your post for disability discrimination against an autistic poster and her child, and for your blatant homophobia towards a gay teenager.)

I'd recommend the book "When Kids Say They're Trans: A Guide for Thoughtful Parents" by Stella O'Malley and others OP.

I do wonder if this is the modern goth phase. Their seems to be a lot of kids usually the outcasts/lonely ones who seem to suddenly want to do this. I'm guessing as a way to fit in with a group whether this is online or in person

She may feel differently when she is 18 and old enough to do as she pleases. Why not wait until then?

Deciding that they are bi suddenly is a position that susceptible youngsters are enouraged to take up by trans ideology influencers. Because being same sex attracted, which a lot of autistic teens who flirt with being trans are, relies on being able to identify not only what sex you are but what sex you're attracted to - in other words, relies on an admission that, at least in some situations, biological sex matters. It's an extremely coercive way to lead gender-questioning children further down the ideological path, and in many ways can be seen as homophobic in itself.

I didn't read the pp as saying your child had a mental health problem on account of either their autism or their sexual orientation btw, but because they seem delusional about what sex they are. It's not a particularly controversial position.

Gender identity is a belief. Homosexuality is not.

im also very ND. So is my son.

Um. Can you show me where the poster you are objecting to said anything which was anti-gay. The wording was strong and unsympathetic but saying that gender ideology is a belief system is accurate. Its NOT the same as sexual attraction which is based on facts/physical responses. Its based on internal feelings. Which may not reflect reality (hence the comparison made to anorexia) I hope that the moderators recognise that.

I do not feel that there is evidence of serious mental health issues in what the OP says. Not being happy with school and being autistic is not that uncommon a combination. Wanting to fit in if autistic does - my opinion - make children quite susceptible to being seduced by a promise that becoming the opposite sex may be a magic bullet solution. Thankfully evidence is now more commonly available that points to the many problems of following that path without support from neutral healthcare and mental health professionals. This has sadly not been what has been offered in the past. Hopefully Cass is paving the way to informed support for gender questioning children and young people. Rather than the affirmative 'transing away the gay' approach that the Tavistock was known for.

Education is devolved.

They didn't decide "suddenly". They first told me they were gay when they were EIGHT years old. Six years on and after a lot of exploring and conversations - yup, still gay. Guess why? Because it's not a fad, or magic fairy thinking, or an ideology, or forced on them, or a fake identity.

It's because - drum roll please - they're gay.

Rather than push my DD away by being as intransigent as you, I heard her, we talked (a lot), and all is well. If OP wants any kind of relationship with her DD I was simply recommending she do the same. She doesn't have to agree, she just has to be there for her kid. Long-term it's better for her and her DD. As it was for me and mine.

I don't want to appear flippant & I understand how upsetting this must be. The way things are going with teenage education in this respect I'd just be pleased she hasn't announced she now wants to be known as Fido. I feel so sorry for today's youngsters. I would ensure she goes for therapy via her GP as not surprisingly she sounds extremely confused. Regardless of whether she is trans or not (perfectly acceptable)it's far too early to announce name changes.

There's no need to tell me how education works. Really.

Also. Genuinely. No offence intended. Apologies for the bits required.

Gender ideology is a belief system no more no less.

Being gay has nothing in common with identifying as trans. One is tangible and is based on same sex attraction. The other is based on unidentifiable feelings in a persons head mostly deriving from sexist stereotypes.

Gay children are vulnerable to trans ideology, some parents have expressed that they would prefer a trans child to a gay child. That's horrific.

We now have heterosexual males identifying as lesbians leaving lesbian women with no single sex spaces, including dating cites. We have trans activists telling women that they are bigots if they won't include males in their dating pool.

Posters suggesting parents should exercise caution are not homophobic, nor are they bigoted.

Edited for obvious typo.

well, you didnt know what a guidance teacher was...

Can you afford some private therapy Op? If so do it. My friends child has ASD and went through this.

I don’t want to go into too much detail but it was a desperate cry for attention in very similar circumstances to yours

Not a neutral act doesn’t mean its negative. Could be positive.

I'd have her watch a few of buck angels YouTube.

This one might be relevant

Are Autistic People Victims of Trans/Gender Ideology? / Buck Angel

"There is evidence that social transition is not a neutral act. Often it does lead on to wanting medical transition"

Possibly because those individuals who are internally motivated enough to go through the emotional discomfort and challenge of socially transitioning might actually be different to those people who can be persuaded or bullied/pressured out of it.

Thank you. She and me get a lot of shit for being ASC, and it's very hard being a gay, autistic child. I would take down a tiger for my girl, so apols if I was cross.

My daughter is a autistic and recently has told me she is lesbian. A few years ago (pre-puberty) was asked by CAMHS if she thought she was a boy because she doesn't adhere to girly stereotypes. FFS.

This ideology is awful.

No child is born wrong. Not even if they are autistic and gay.