In-laws visiting too soon

[Castlebouncey]

I gave birth to my beautiful son a week ago and I'm wondering if my feelings towards my MIL and FIL are justified (more MIL).

We asked for some time after the birth for just three of us, but they turned up at the hospital. I had to have stitches and stay the night on a ward. They turned up on the ward didn't ask me how I was, and practically ignored me. MIL picked up baby without asking and without his blanket. This lead to him having a low temperature and having to stay longer whilst his temperature regulated.

I'm now feeling quite negatively towards them and am not rushing to have them visit again, and feeling quite protective of our son. MIL has now made comments about not being able to bond with him as they haven't seen him since (he's only a week old and I'm still recovering!).

I'm I being unreasonable?

Hospital wards are usually roasting hot. Surely picking him up without a blanket did him no harm?

A little...I really don't see how having a cuddle without a blanket would have affected your son's temperature that much.

Everything else, YANBU.

Congratulations!

I mean - maybe? Depends whether you have also not allowed your parents to visit either, or is it just the in-laws?

Not asking how you are was rude but perhaps they were just over excited and got caught up in it all? is he their first grandchild?

Not sure they have done enough wrong to deserve being kept away or for you to be feeling protective. You could have told them to grab the blanket for him?

You made it clear you didn’t want any visitors and they ignored you.

You are one week post partum. Whether you’re being unreasonable or not is irrelevant (and I don’t think you are!), at this stage what you say goes.

I had similar with my in laws when I had my first. It's important to be explicit with boundaries, get your dp/dh to speak to them about giving you more time alone and ignore the comments! I put up with it with my first dc but laid down ground rules for the second and had a much better time knowing I was in control of when the in laws came round. They were annoyed but it didn't affect our relationship long term.

How did your MIL get onto the ward without your permission? I would have turned her away as she was going directly against your request. So entitled.

I wouldn't be in a rush to let her round. Whenever you're ready. The baby does not need to bond with grandparents at this stage. It's for their benefit only and they've proven they don't give a damn about you...so arrange a visit in your own time and don't feel an ounce of guilt.

Your partner needs to have your back.

Have you let anyone else visit?

How did they get into the ward?

Gently, I think you're being a bit over-sensitive.
Picking him up without a blanket will have done him no harm at all, and obviously (annoyingly!) they're all more interested in the baby than you. I know you've done all the hard work but the new grandchild is the most important thing ever to them, it's only natural they're going to want to see him.
I agree they shouldn't have turned up at the hospital without permission, but I'd really try not to let this spoil what should be such a special time for you all x

I'll ask though, were your parents at the hospital and have they visited since you came home?

I think you’re overthinking this. Postnatal and premie wards are incredibly hot so there would be no link to milk picking baby up without a blanket and their being unable to regulate their temperature.

You need to remember that it’s your dh’s parents and he probably wants them around for a bit of moral support after what happened to you. Just let them visit and him get on with things and show them baby while you relax upstaire.

I expect you’ll be back on here in a years time complaining that they have no interest in the child.
In the past, a new baby was a joyful event that was shared by grandparents.

They aren't respecting your boundaries... it's a time when you're hormonal, vulnerable, exhausted and don't always want visitors. Your partner needs to speak with them

Completely within your rights to feel that way

Have you had other visitors?

like pp it seems unlike picking a baby up without a blanket would lead to such serious temperature deregulation? Unless it was for a prolonged period or the ward was very cold?

That's very abnormal to not ask a woman how she is after giving birth, and not to ask if you can pick up a newborn.

Make sure your husband is alert to boundaries and pulling MIL up on her attitude towards you, it's in his best interests not to let things deteriorate between you and her.

Those saying about the temperature. My son's temp dropped very quickly without a blanket...it does happen.

The only person who needs to bond with a literal new born are the parents.
People just love cuddling a baby but forget that the parents need support at this time and often having visitors is hard work.
There's plenty of time for visits once you're feeling more settled and secure.
I would have been absolutely raging if someone turned up at the hospital without invitation, that in itself would be unacceptable to me.

I wouldn't have wanted my in laws at my bedside post birth, no. Just because you've given birth doesn't mean you lose your voice, if you'd had surgery for something else you'd be asked if you wanted visitors and your decision would be respected.

DC1's grandparents and great grandmother (on DH's side) were visiting within four hours of my giving birth. My own parents came the next day. I'd had a post-partum haemorrhage, stiches and felt like shit, but I was thrilled to be able to show DC1 off to them and their visit made me feel very happy. I wouldn't have thought to ask them to stay away or that their presence would impact negatively on mine and DH's ability to bond with DC1. I think you need to relax, unless you're going to drip feed a back story.

I'm not one for keeping people at arm's length after you've had a baby, but you asked them not to come to the hospital and they did anyway. That's not on.

Your husband needs to manage his parents better. He needs to say, "Mum, Dad, I know you're excited about the baby but you need to calm down and give us some space. We asked for some time together just the three of us before any visitors, and you deliberately ignored that request and came to the hospital. We will invite you to visit when we are ready for visitors but if you keep complaining and disrespecting our boundaries you will not be invited as often. Let's start as we mean to go on."

What about your parents?

Picking him up without a blanket wouldn't have given him a low temperature. Hospital wards are always much too hot, especially maternity wards.
Personally I can't see the problem with grandparents wanting to visit the new addition to the family as soon as possible.
My in laws visited me the day after my first baby was born and I had been up all night giving birth I also had a lot of stitches. My father in law also picked the baby up from the cot without a blanket I have a photograph of him doing it. He was excited to meet his new grandchild.
I would have thought it odd if they hadn't visited.
But if you asked them not to visit and they did then you are not being unreasonable about that

I do think you're being oversensitive, but I think that our instincts make us hugely overprotective in the month or so after having a baby. I have lovely PIL but they immediately got on my nerves when I had their first GC- They visited too early and too often, they were in the baby's face all the time, wouldn't give her back when she cried, would stare more than I was comfortable with when I was bf. My hormones took time to settle and I found it all a bit upsetting. But now I look back and see that they were just finding their place as GP, trying their best, and I can now acknowledge that they probably wanted to be with her all the time because they love her very bones! It's still early days, and I'd be mindful that you're not exactly yourself right now.
(They still get on my nerves a bit btw, but most of that is because they love DC and think they know what's best for her! I disagree, but have to concede that their motivation is love and care.)

Agree with this 👌

I voted YABU but only because you don’t mention having said anything to them!? Why didn’t you turn them away? Why didn’t you insist they use a blanket etc? Are you scared of your DH? - that’s a genuine question btw. Are you? You don’t have to answer me if it’s difficult to admit but you also don’t have to deal with him pushing you around if that’s what’s happening.

Completely irrelevant. If you communicated you needed a bit of time what on earth were they thinking turning up to the ward!