In-laws visiting too soon

[Castlebouncey]

I gave birth to my beautiful son a week ago and I'm wondering if my feelings towards my MIL and FIL are justified (more MIL).

We asked for some time after the birth for just three of us, but they turned up at the hospital. I had to have stitches and stay the night on a ward. They turned up on the ward didn't ask me how I was, and practically ignored me. MIL picked up baby without asking and without his blanket. This lead to him having a low temperature and having to stay longer whilst his temperature regulated.

I'm now feeling quite negatively towards them and am not rushing to have them visit again, and feeling quite protective of our son. MIL has now made comments about not being able to bond with him as they haven't seen him since (he's only a week old and I'm still recovering!).

I'm I being unreasonable?

That is such a sweeping generalisation and totally unfair. My lovely in-laws definitely wanted to check I was ok too and reminded their DS to look after me (something DH’s in-laws - ie my parents - wouldn’t have been able to bluntly tell him in the same way!)

They also wanted baby cuddles of course and the adoration in their eyes was such a lovely reminder that me and DH weren’t the only ones who would do anything for this new baby. It was such a nice bonding experience for all of us - with each other but also with this new little being who tied us all together as family.

I found visitors broke up the monotony of hospital, and gave dh a quick break. Me as well, they could watch baby while I showered, get me food, bring me stuff. A post natal ward is hardly conducive to “bonding as our little family of three”.

if you really don’t want visitors, send dh out with baby for a quick meet and greet. Keeps them happy, you can have a break, and it can easily be kept short as baby will likely need feeding at short intervals so dh can make his excuses.

as for her parents vs his- then people are surprised when a daughters children are the preferred grandchildren. Because the parents feel more involved and invested.

Outrageous not to ask you how you are. Also, no grandmother is going to fail to “bond” with her grandchild because she didn’t see him enough in the first couple of weeks.

Your husband needs to defend you and set boundaries.

We didn’t have any visitors in hospital (first child was in for over a week) and both sets of grandparents are still interested and invested.

You'll change your tune when you're asking for free childcare in a years time!

(Just kidding, I assumed from some of the other responses we were playing 'MIL/DIL post on Mumsnet' bingo. Has anyone asked if you've had a son yet, and how you'll feel when your DIL inevitably ostracises you? No? I'll check back later).

Seriously though, when I had my son I was traumatised. I didn't want to see anyone for days. I was exhausted, had a catheter, piles so bad you would think I had an anal birth, bleeding, struggling to feed, barely sleeping. I was so glad that BOTH our families gave us the space we (but especially me) needed in that time. I can't imagine for a moment either of our families would have expected to see us in hospital, let alone immediately afterwards without being asked, but had I needed my mum to be there to support me my (very lovely btw) MIL would not have held it against me for a moment. Not least since she was present when my SIL gave birth, as per her wishes.

Edit: I add this since some PP have passively aggressively asked if your parents were in the hospital, as if you are just a vessel for grandchildren and not a whole human who has just experienced a major medical event and may thereore want immediate family with you for support.

Decide how long you’d like to leave it before seeing them again, and then tell them. It’s not up to them, they don’t get any say, whatsoever. They also don’t need to ‘bond’ with your baby. You need to bond with your baby. You’ll find lots of very entitled and angry grandmas on Mumsnet who think they have rights to see their grandchildren. They have had their children, this is your time now, and ultimately what you say goes. You don’t have to be mean to them, just firm and polite. “We’d like some time for the 3 of us to bond as a family before having visitors again, so we’ll let you know when we’re ready”. It was a few weeks for me before I wanted visitors.

My MIL arrived to stay before I’d even left the hospital and I felt like you. And still do to some extent years later! It was selfish behaviour and all about her, no help offered at all.

Is your husband/partner on two weeks paternity leave? I would gently gird what's left of my loins and arrange a visit for an afternoon of your choosing. Give them two to choose from, and have them over for a few hours.

You need to have a conversation with your husband to say that you do not want to be haunted by his or your own parents in these early months. You need to have feeding established, the health visitor will be coming and going, vaccinations to be done and you have to HEAL. Unwanted guests are just that and you don't want there to be a falling out that it's difficult to come back from. As you recover and heal, get more practiced with your child etc you may be up to more frequent visits.

New babies don't need to bond with grandparents. That's bollocks. As long as they are fed and warm you two are the only people they need to bond with. Anyone else is just a warm place for a cuddle.

Might also be worth having a conversation with him in advance about Christmas so everyone's expectations are also managed. Feeding a newborn in someone else's house especially if breastfeeding is awkward as hell.

OP i get it. I have never and will never forgive my DH for allowing my in-laws to move in for TWO WEEKS on the day I got back from hospital with both babies. I hated it and sobbed to him that I wanted them to leave during it and he said nothing. And apparently it’s my fault as I find it ‘difficult to be helped and relax into not hosting’. I’ll never get that time back.

Other posters are right that the lifting was unlikely to have caused the low temperature (I’m a midwife) but it’s absolutely not the point

Congratulations!
Something similar happened to me. I had a CS, my husband and toddler DS had just left, dinner was served and my PILs and BIL trooped in. Honestly it was annoying, I still had a catheter attached and was looking really rough. I didn't get my dinner!
However, I appreciated the 2 hour drive they had made, how excited they were to see the new baby and this was a new member of the whole family. It would have felt worse if they had been completely uninterested. A few days later the rest of the BILs and SIL visited at home while I sat upstairs with cabbage leaves in my bra and crying from the hormones. I didn't go down, didn't even say hello but my husband introduced the baby and that was totally fine.
Over the years, I am grateful that I didn't burn bridges, didn't hold resentment or grudges and recognised that it does indeed help if family and extended family feel involved. I have been helped numerous times, my sons have a lovely relationship and honestly unless they are completely terrible people I would try to be as understanding as possible. It is a very hard time for a new mother both physically and mentally so look after yourself first but try not to project those feelings onto others who don't really deserve it.

GPs don’t need to “bond” with a baby that’s for the parents. Invite them when you want to see them.

@Castlebouncey your hubby needs to step in now and dictate to his parents that this is yours and his baby and not theirs! certainly not his mother's!! what you say goes and you need time yourselves to bond together and learn without interference. you are your own wee family now and what she wants does not come into it!

Not giving a crap whether your behaviour is justified is a great way to slowly push away everyone around you

I didn't want my in laws seeing me randomly bleed (I kept bleeding) and in lots of pain. I didn't mind my parents seeing me like that. I guess some women don't mind their in laws seeing them bleed?

I don't get the 'without a blanket' thing leading to low temperature either. In the photos I have of my babies' grandparents holding them in hospital, and the one of me holding my first DGD in hospital (having had her handed to me) none of the babies are wrapped in blankets.

The cuddle wouldn't have been for long, and Grandma's body heat would have kept the baby warm.

Your baby. Your rules

it's v early days and without a lot of pre-history it's hard to pass comment... They only want the best for their grandchild and problem just want the best for them - or are just unaware of their impact. Have had the same. Parents there when not wanted and there when wanted...!

A newborn baby doesn't even bond with it's own father for 5 months, or so I was told, so grandparents are way down the list!
They will want to see it though, humans tend to be interested in their own children's offspring, more often than not.
You sound rather precious at thinking some stitches and a night in hospital meant you were hard done by. Many, many women have major surgery and several days, at least, in hospital but manage to let the family meet the much awaited baby.
You don't like your PILs so probably need to just admit it.

OP it's your and your husband's baby. You have parental responsibility to make sure your baby is well and that the two of you communicate and are in agreement. Babies are hard work so you don't need to be bending over backwards to people please at the same time!

Anyone else should follow what the two of you say. It's ok to say, "this isn't a good time we'll call you back" or even, "no". There are years for them to form bonds.

Those saying about temperature…DD and I had to stay on the labour ward for 3 days as there was no space in postnatal. It was freezing and she was always wrapped up in towels and blankets - it would definitely have done her harm to be outside of the blankets for too long!
Also saying “well, how did they get on the ward” - there was no “guest list” on my postnatal/labour ward, all that had to be said was “I’m visiting Justlonelystars” and the person would be let in.

I'd have my back up over ANY comments about her inability to bond with him if she can't seem him.

Fuck that.

I sense some serious boundary issues coming your way. Hope your DH has your back.

Your baby your rules

Mum and Dad do the bonding with baby - not granny and grandpa. MIL was rude to not communicate with you too.

Make it very clear when. you're home "NO VISITORS until ***" and specify a day if you feel up to it, otherwise just keep extending the day.

Finally, enjoy your new baby

I often think this, when people have been pushed away from the family, it’s no surprise that the relationship doesn’t developed.

when people say they treat the other grandchildren better, or spend more money or tie with them I often wonder whether they were pushed out in the early years.

YANBU but you need baby’s Dad to be on message with this - sounds like he isn’t? How did they even know which ward to go to/get in?!

I think 🚩 they are talking about “bonding” with him personally. Yes it’s nice to visit but they don’t need to bond with him…. You and Dad too! They will remain perfect strangers to baby for some time and that’s okay.

It is exciting and they should have a cuddle but really the rules should be

• no picking baby up without parent suggestion/permission
• handing baby back to Mum as soon as cries
• short visits without expecting to be hosted

People have an obsession with things being “fair” if you’ve been up for seeing other people / your in laws but birth is huge physical event for the mother and it’s on your terms. If you don’t feel like seeing them then when you feel like your vag is on fire then end of discussion.

also, in other cultures, anyone apart from Mum holding the baby at first is considered utterly bizarre let alone “bonding” with a newborn that isn’t yours!