In-laws visiting too soon

[Castlebouncey]

I gave birth to my beautiful son a week ago and I'm wondering if my feelings towards my MIL and FIL are justified (more MIL).

We asked for some time after the birth for just three of us, but they turned up at the hospital. I had to have stitches and stay the night on a ward. They turned up on the ward didn't ask me how I was, and practically ignored me. MIL picked up baby without asking and without his blanket. This lead to him having a low temperature and having to stay longer whilst his temperature regulated.

I'm now feeling quite negatively towards them and am not rushing to have them visit again, and feeling quite protective of our son. MIL has now made comments about not being able to bond with him as they haven't seen him since (he's only a week old and I'm still recovering!).

I'm I being unreasonable?

The baby is central here and having stressed parents because boundaries are broken is far worse than selfish grandparents feeling a bit put out.

When posters say grandparents have rights - no they don't have parental rights - or they love the baby - prove it - respect the baby's parent's boundaries.

I think most in society understand babies aren't toys for cuddles and photos and new parents have the right to set boundaries.

Spot on - my parents visited two days after, the day after my in laws visited.

She was very excited, but also hugely conscientious - she wouldn't even hold my son because she knew that the baby wanted me and I wanted the baby. Same with my nephews.

There's great strength of character in putting other people first. Not everyone has it.

(My in laws did hold him - I did later refuse to pass him on to my FIL when he had a streaming cold. And I remember visceral anger when MIL brought a friend of hers over who asked me to "take that blanket off him, I want to see how long he is" - disturb a sleeping baby because you're a nosy cow? I don't fucking think so.)

There's great strength of character in putting other people first. Not everyone has it.

The same strength of character that acknowledges others' concern and emotions, and allows loving grandparents to have ten minutes to meet the baby and check that you're okay without waiting for three weeks?

I'm not remotely excusing the GPs in the OP who deliberately ignored the request that had been made. I'm responding to those posters who think that the mother being the most important (which is true) means that no-one else matters at all. Not even the father, in some cases!

If someone wants your advice they’ll ask for it. Unsolicited advice just comes across as judgements

you sound like you think you’re entitled to your DGC. Respect the parents boundaries otherwise they have every right to keep you away

Grandparents just seem to be so entitled these days

I would be completely happy if any of my adult sons said this, @coffeesaveslives (love the nickname!). We did wait at least 2 weeks to meet our first grandchild, and when their siblings arrive next year, we will be waiting until our son and his wife are ready for us to visit.

I can honestly say that we have a wonderful relationship with our grandchild, and waiting to meet them hasn’t had any negative effects whatsoever.

My mum waited 2 months to meet my son, and the rest of the family more like 4 months, because of Covid travel restrictions. It hasn't affected their relationship with him in any way.

They visited when my daughter was 2 weeks old because they booked their travel for a week after the date I would have been induced if I hadn't given birth yet. That was soon enough for us.

No you are not BU. The first days of a baby's life are a time for parents to bond, not grandparents. They are attached to their Mother. GP need to help the parents and the time for bonding is when the kid is older. No way should they have shown up on the ward. Where was your partner when this happened? Set your boundaries now and keep them at arm's length. My next baby I'm pretending my due date is three weeks later because IL were so useless 1 week pp.

You now have a son how would you feel being told you cant see your new grandchild for a while after he is born.

I also wonder if all the people saying "they can wait a couple of weeks" would really be okay with their adult sons saying "sorry mum, you can't meet your grandchild yet, it's our time with them"

Yes, because I can think outside of myself and not make someone’s birth about my wants. I’ve had my children and I know how I felt with each one when it came to visitors and how it impacted the early stages. I also can recognise and understand others are different from me and it is my duty as a grandparent in the very early stages is to let my future DIL know that I will follow her lead (unless there is a danger) and be there if/when she needs me, that I respect her as a person and as a new mum and that if she would like advice, I am happy to tell her of my experiences, what I’ve learned, and the changes I’ve noticed.

Saying that, I would hope to be able to become a person she feels comfortable with and have a lovely relationship with before children enter the picture where when they do enter, she doesn’t have to question whether I’m there for her and her baby/babies or just my grandchild/children and son.

I just think it’s a bit sad, babies are newborn for such a fleeting moment, why not share the experience and memories?

I think it’s fairer to invite visitors in the first couple of days to coo over such a tiny baby, then invoke the “our little family” bonding time for as long as you want, rather than keeping everyone away as if they’ll steal precious seconds from you.

this is probably why people are so obsessed with daughters over sons. More of a chance of being involved with a daughter’s baby.

I think it’s fairer to invite visitors in the first couple of days to coo over such a tiny baby, then invoke the “our little family” bonding time for as long as you want, rather than keeping everyone away as if they’ll steal precious seconds from you.

I doubt that is usually the case for many women. The assumption that it is about not sharing their time is odd and completely ignores the birthing experience and what is going on at the time for the mother and baby. There’s obvious reasons why some women are happy to have visitors right away and some aren’t and that can even differ between pregnancies. The newborn stage is not a few days long and it’s ridiculous how many make it out as if they are missing out by not being there the first few days nor does that stop the bonding process.

If waiting for a few days makes one think they can’t bond with a newborn family member than that tells you how much they really care.

My parents live in another country. Our third was the only one they met when she was first born because they were scheduled to come anyway before I was pregnant and I was overdue. My mother didn’t meet our first until he was 6 weeks and the second until he was 2 weeks. My dad didn’t meet our first until he was almost one, the second when he was five months old. In-laws live 5+ hours away and met first when he was five days old, second when he was a month old and our third when she was 2 weeks old.

Not being there the moment baby is still covered in vernix didn’t stop either side from bonding with their grandchildren.

! "shouldn't" have to do anything. I can't for the life of me think why a new mum should be stressed out by a short visit from both sets of parents. It's actually nonsense. Thankfully I don't know anyone in my actual life who is as precious and selfish.

I could not disagree with you more. And I am speaking from experience. I think it's mean and nasty to prevent the grandparents meeting their new grandchild briefly. I think the world has actually gone mad!

Then maybe they will understand when the so-called "selfish grandparents" also assert boundaries when their selfish offspring demand their services for childcare!

Whatever. So it doesn't organically come up in conversation? Weird.

Not half as entitled as their children are!

When I had my children it was accepted that grandparents would visit as soon as they could. And so did the wider family. It would never have occured to me to tell them we weren't having any visitors.
Also I would never have assumed that they would provide childcare. They never did and I never expected them to. They loved them and had a relationship with them but never looked after them
Reading Mumsnet it seems as though grandparents are expected to be kept at arms length but are also expected to provide childcare!
They are critisised if they show what is seen as too much interest in their grandchildren but also if they don't want to provide childcare .

Exactly the same as me. This attitude of keeping loved ones away just baffles me.

Honestly, when each set of grandparents visited, both when I was in hospital and when I got home, while physically I wasn't 100%, emotionally it meant so much. I'll never forget the looks on their faces.

I'd say it helped my recovery rather than hindering it. These were the people who, apart from me and my husband, and whatever my relationship with them (and my relationship with my mum was complex to say the least) would love my child the most. It was so clear that they my baby was going to be protected and cared for by us all as a family, and that filled me with confidence and warmth.

I don't understand why someone would forgo those early moments. Providing the new father does his job and wrangles them to ensure that they don't overstay, I don't see the problem.

He’s not their baby to ‘bond’ with ffs. He’s their grandson and excited as they are, their wishes are secondary to yours as his mother. YANBU.

I wonder if part of the change is the distance that people live relative to their parents. I am not sure if my in laws would be happy driving an 8-10h round trip for a 10 minute visit. They would rather wait a week and be in a position to stay a few days
My parents are closer but I can't imagine they would be thrilled with the 45-60 minutes drive to the hospital followed by a minimum of 30 minutes driving around the car parks in the hospital for a parking space. Often more like 45 minutes. Shelling out for 2h parking which is the minimum time option for a 10 minute visit when they could wait a few days and see us for half an hour and hour at home a few days later.
My mum saw my niece the hour she was born but she was on her lunch break working on the ward 2 floors below. So much easier and my sister still lives in their home town. I only have 1 friend that lives in their home town. Many are 3+h away from family.

My dad was just talking today about how he had to work the day I was born as it was a week day and he didn't get any paternity leave, I was early so the annual leave he booked for my due date hadn't started. Maybe grandparents had to play more of a role when fathers had less leave.