In-laws visiting too soon

[Castlebouncey]

I gave birth to my beautiful son a week ago and I'm wondering if my feelings towards my MIL and FIL are justified (more MIL).

We asked for some time after the birth for just three of us, but they turned up at the hospital. I had to have stitches and stay the night on a ward. They turned up on the ward didn't ask me how I was, and practically ignored me. MIL picked up baby without asking and without his blanket. This lead to him having a low temperature and having to stay longer whilst his temperature regulated.

I'm now feeling quite negatively towards them and am not rushing to have them visit again, and feeling quite protective of our son. MIL has now made comments about not being able to bond with him as they haven't seen him since (he's only a week old and I'm still recovering!).

I'm I being unreasonable?

What did your husband do when his parents entered the ward

Yet another MI L thread. I cannot be more grateful that my fab DIL is generous and kind to me. Yes, of course she’s closer to her own very capable mum, but she includes me and welcomed me very soon after my gcs births. I probably annoy her sometimes but she is good enough not to show it! It’s not a power battle, we both love her husband and children.

I don’t understand why others can’t grasp it either.

My lovely MIL told me the main thing was that I recovered and to just let her know when we were ready for a visit. I can’t tell you how much I appreciated that she didn’t pressure us. Post-partum can be a tricky time but how it’s handled can really affect the relationship long term.

Depends. When my son was born (premature, via c section) he spends ages with extra blankets and towels around him as his temperature was too low. When we were finally allowed on the regular post natal ward we were advised to keep him cosy at first in case his temperature dropped.

I’m sure in the past there were lots of new mums who felt like op, with pushy grandparents who didn’t respect their wishes. All she asked for was a bit of time alone after giving birth, that’s not unreasonable in the slightest.

You seem very fond of boundaries. It’s always exciting getting to use a new word.

New babies are very exciting, and the newborn stage is very short and noone wants to miss it. Dads want to show off their babies to their own mum. I am much more pro MILs being allowed to see and hold babies than seems average on mumsnet.

But I still agree you are not being unreasonable. You need to recover and bond with your baby and that comes first and I would also have lost a lot of trust in my MIL if she had done that. You weren't ready and she didn't listen.

I was surprised at the “Grandparent bonding” comment …. Is this a thing now? 🤷‍♀️
My DS is nearly 40, and had a brilliant relationship with GPs, but I’ve never heard of this before. They can certainly have a good close relationship but “bonding?”

MIL "not being able to bond". 🤣🤣🤣

YANBU at all. Get your boundaries in place now, or your MIL will continue to take a mile.

Tell the PILs that you are still recovering so they should leave it another week. When they do visit, take to your bed and have little one tucked inside your dressing gown. Be feeding him if you can.

Get your dh to make them a cup of tea, have a chat and then say you and baby need to sleep.

They need to understand your baby, your rules.

Wow, you'd really do that, would you? How unpleasant are you?

@TheDuck2018 No, not unpleasant, just had a bad experience and would hate for anyone to go through the same 😀

Quite.

There's a lot of people trying to make OP feel bad on this thread. And mither on about her parents. Maybe they ask how she is.

She's one week PP, have a word with yourselves.

Sorry wrong thread !

You’ve had a baby, which is lovely. Ward temperatures are always hot. Not much need for all the drama. 🤷‍♀️

Is say it was quite unusual to not have had any visitors in a week. Assuming they live nearby if they visited the hospital.

You're understandably tired, vulnerable etc, but I think you are being a little unreasonable here.

I was thinking the same.

Many of us had stitches, since when do stitches stop visitors?

I didn't mind grandparents visiting in hospital. When I went home the next day I was happy for them to come round because they were helpful. I didn't want other visitors at that time but grandparents are special.

Your body your baby. Tell her to back off. She probably just sees you as a grandchild birthing vessel. Extremely entitled

How were they allowed on the ward? Admittedly this was during covid times but when i was on the ward access to and from the ward was tightly controlled. Who let them in.

Of course stitches don’t stop visitors, @LBFseBrom - but having had stitches, we know that they can be bloody uncomfortable, and that it might be considerate to the new - and sore - mum to wait a few days, until she is more comfortable, don’t we?

Not sure why it matters. Was her husband the one who gave birth? Is he bleeding? Is he breastfeeding? Does he currently has stitches in his penis? It’s totally normally for a WOMAN to be more comfortable having her own mum visit earlier than PILs, given everything she’s gone through.

Whilst I agree that picking him up without a blanket won’t have done him any harm and wasn’t the cause of his temperature not regulating, that’s not the point - the point is you stated a reasonable boundary and they ignored you. Their comments about bonding are also ridiculous - newborns don’t understand or benefit from ‘bonding’ with grandparents; there will be more than enough time for them to build a relationship with him over his life, nothing hinges on these first few weeks.

Is your partner supportive? If so I would suggest he speaks to his parents and makes it clear they’re only welcome if they follow reasonable rules and don’t push boundaries (and make sure he clearly communicates these to them). If he won’t stand up to them then I agree you should avoid contact with them for a little while until you feel more comfortable standing up to them yourself.

Can I also recommend a sling? There’s nothing more effective for stopping a newborn baby being handed round like it’s pass the parcel.

I wonder if the keeping people away is common in other places or cultures. It would be unthinkable that grandparents and close relatives wouldn't visit immediately or soon after the birth where I live . And very common to have grandparents in waiting rooms in hospitals whilst women is in labour .

Everyone is entitled to do whatever they want regarding their own birth plan and with their baby but it seems so formal and stiff to me.

Newborns often have a low temperature, which is why midwives advise skin-to-skin contact with their mothers until it comes up again. I don't know why so many posters are doubting OP's version of events. You sound as bad as the MIL.