In-laws visiting too soon

[Castlebouncey]

I gave birth to my beautiful son a week ago and I'm wondering if my feelings towards my MIL and FIL are justified (more MIL).

We asked for some time after the birth for just three of us, but they turned up at the hospital. I had to have stitches and stay the night on a ward. They turned up on the ward didn't ask me how I was, and practically ignored me. MIL picked up baby without asking and without his blanket. This lead to him having a low temperature and having to stay longer whilst his temperature regulated.

I'm now feeling quite negatively towards them and am not rushing to have them visit again, and feeling quite protective of our son. MIL has now made comments about not being able to bond with him as they haven't seen him since (he's only a week old and I'm still recovering!).

I'm I being unreasonable?

Gosh that is such a scary ordeal. Without being nosy, can I ask what happened that led to you nearly dying? You don’t need to answer if this is too intrusive. I am glad you had support from mil and extended family.

Clearly this is not what she’s saying.

it’s not wrong for the woman to put her needs first. However the man also has needs, and they should not be completely dismissed or his support system denied.

it was my baby that nearly died. Dh had to make a lot of hard decisions as I got to a point where it took all my effort to stay conscious. It went from being in the delivery room to him having scrubs thrown at him and having to consent/help me consent to various procedures. He also advocated for me and my needs.

he was the one who had to dress the baby and sort all the newborn decisions out while I was in recovery.

yes I was the one who was unwell but he was the one who knew how bad it was and still had to put his own feelings aside to support me. My parents had got on a train and come down as soon as they heard, but dh needed his parents as well for support. Mine were worried about me, he needed someone for himself. Him and his parents sat with the baby and made sure she was ok while I recovered.

having a baby is a huge event. Yes mum may want her parents for support, but to deny dad his support system and his chance to show of his child seems wrong.

So can you explain why you think it's OK for men to get their needs met when their wife has a traumatic birth, but not for her to do the same?

Nope, her needs come first as shes the one who just gave birth. It's a personal choice, what worked best for you isn't necessarily what's best for all women. A woman putting herself first for a few hours or even weeks is not some kind of evil, life ending atrostity. Plus, this isn't a situation where the father is pleading for his parents to see the baby, so thats irrelevant.

Yes, her needs come first, @Naunet, but that doesn’t mean that the new dad cannot have needs too, nor that it is wrong for someone to fulfill those needs, as long as it is done in a way that doesn’t make things difficult for the new mum.

In fact, one could argue that, if the new dad gets the support he needs, he will be better able to give his partner the best support.

Wow sorry to hear all that. I'm amazed it didn't put you off having another baby after nearly dying once , never mind risking it again

I find it so depressing that people who know how hard newborns are would force their DC to prioritise their happiness over focusing on their newborns. It's so selfish to rush new parents if they want some space.

When I had my babies, I didn't have the first clue what it meant to anyone other than me.

It wasn't until a year later, when my nephew was born and I heard my DH and BIL talking about how scary and emotional they'd found the labour and birth. How helpless they felt and how anxious, that it can't home to me.

And though my MIL had told me how worried she was when she knew I was in labour, but hadn't yet heard that the baby and I were fine, it didn't mean anything to me until my own daughter was in labour, and I spent most of the day pacing the floor and trying not to catastrophise about the way things might go wrong.

And though I saw the look on my baby's grandparents' faces when they visited us in hospital the day after the birth (and I recognised it, with love) I didn't know what it was to really feel the emotion that was behind those faces until it was my turn to hold my first grandchild the day after she was born.

So I'm trying to keep my patience with an the very controlling kind of posters that are saying that the only person that matters is the mother. She of course is at the top of the tree, but the father also goes through something deeply emotional and scary too, and yes, needs to share that with his parents or sibling. And the grandparents are filled with an emotion that they probably never expected.

I can begin to imagine waiting for weeks to see my daughter and grandbaby. My instinct to want to see them both and know they were okay, with my own eyes, was as primal as anything I've ever felt.

Hopefully one day you'll feel that too.

A quick 10/15 minute visit to see their new born grandchild isn’t doing anyone any harm.

i wanted my mum to meet my new baby as soon as she could. I couldn’t have said she could visit and tell my dh’s mum and dad to stay away because they aren’t my parents. Dh opinion is just as important as mine.

they visited for 15/29 minutes and it was lovely for them to get a quick cuddle of their new grandchild and a hug for their own child too, eg me and dh.

i always remember I may be an in law one day and I’d hate to be treated differently from my dils parents.

Everyone is different, but in that moment of having a newborn the parents feelings must be paramount over any, "we'll just pop in, just some photos, some passing around" wishes.

If you want the fuss when you have a newborn great, for those who don't - stay back!

I think that one of the biggest issues comes when grandparents are excited about something where the mum (and dad) are scared.

This was exactly the difference between my parents and my in laws. My mum was responding to my fear and comforting me. My MIL was gleefully grinning and squealing about how excited she was. She kept trying to contrive reasons to pop around after I stopped work, and even wanted to drive us to the hospital (we live ten minutes from it - she lives an hour away).

And it's not unusual for mammals to disappear off to give birth - I grew up in farmland, and it's normal behaviour for animals to seek a quiet place away from others. There's a reason that cows with young calves are the dangerous ones!

People act like these emotions aren't normal, but they're replicated right across the animal world. A little tolerance for a natural reaction would go a long way.

I wanted my mum and dad at the hospital after I gave birth as childbirth was traumatic. Baby and I stayed in hospital for a few days following the birth. In laws waited until we got home. Just because you didn't want your parents there doesn't mean that others are the same. My parents wanted to make sure I was okay.

Imagine your son going through something as life-changing as becoming a parent and being told you have to stay away and you're not allowed to be involved.

Imagine your first grandchild being born and being told you're not allowed to even see them for a week or a month, that it's not about and that you're not allowed to go and see your son and congratulate or reassure him, or be involved in such a major part of his life.

I wonder how many of the people going on about giving parents space have ever been in a position where they can't meet their grandchild for weeks or months on end. I also wonder how many of them have sons and will be in the position of being excluded themselves one day.

Beautifully put.

This is lovely to read, but with respect it’s very focused on your feelings. You couldn’t have imagined having to wait, your primal instincts kicked in, when really it isn’t about you.

Some people are happy with visitors immediately, and some aren’t. It is the choice of both parents, and grandparents need to respect that. I say that as the mother of a son, and if he chooses to have children and they decide to not have me visit immediately then I will put my own feelings aside and respect their decision.

Where did I say that it was about me? If my DD had made the same decision about visitors, I would also have respected her decision and not said a word. It would have been pretty agonising, but I'd have just swallowed the feelings down

All I aimed to do with that post (which was about me, but that's the whole point) was to explain that just as I had no idea what it was like to be a mother until I was one, I equally didn't have a clue how hard the emotions about being a grandmother would hit me, until it happened.
So with my post I aimed to understand and accept why newer mothers aren't really empathising with their own parents, just as I didn't understand how my own parents and PILs were feeling at the time.

I hoped that those mums reading my post might understand a little better, why the grandparents are so keen to see them and the baby. The unexpected primal instincts are in some ways comparable (though maybe not in strength) with those that kick in with new motherhood. Except as a prospective GM I didn't see them coming.

In short, new grandparents get to have feelings too. But they have to hide them away for a while, while the new parents can embrace theirs.

Who else's feelings would this poster focused on, seeing she is literally relaying her own personal experience? It IS about her too, like it or not, it's the child of her child!

I think the new parents should respect their parents' feelings too actually. I really see it as terribly selfish if they can't tolerate 10/15 minutes of their precious bonding time to allow the new grandparents to see the baby in person, and give their son/daughter a hug! You'll be bonding with your child for the rest of his/her life!

I feel I was lucky to give birth in 2020. My partner could visit but that was it.
My daughter was 3 weeks old before we could see my parents and my in-laws came up the following week for 5 days.

From the moment I told my mum I was pregnant I stopped being a person and all she was talk about was "her grandchild" never your daughter. She never asked how I was unless it was to ask me how much weight I had put on. My mil is lovely, thoughtful and kind. She had an overbearing mil that turned up when they wanted and expected her to wait on them and run to their routine.

After visits at 3 and 4 weeks our parents then didn't see them again until 4 months. Then they didn't see them again until 7-8 months.

My daughter is now 4 and has a super relationship with all her grandparents. I have a better relationship with my mil than I do my mother. We moved in with her for nearly 3 weeks when my daughter was 4 months as we needed support. Their house is our sanctuary we go to when we need looking after.

I'm pregnant again and I will not be having visitors in the hospital. I will be having 1-3 days at home to settle in before having my family to visit. I'm at risk of pyschosis in the first week and should I experience that i want as few people to witness me in that state as possible. My family can do short visits which is all I can manage anyway. My in-laws will be welcome after a week maybe 10days, only because it takes a little longer to be up for a 3-7 day visit compared to an hour.

My mum saw my niece the hour she was born and provided child care for her from 7 months old seeing her most days. My mum saw my daughter only a handful of times in her first year and then has seen her 1-2 a week's since she was 18 months. She now sees her most weekends for 2-4h and two days after school. She treats them both exactly the same.

My sister has a different relationship with my mum, she goes to her house to be looked after if she's off sick. If I'm off sick I want to see no one. When I've been ill at my mum's house she fusses and mithers waking me up to ask if I still feel ill. When I've been ill at my mils they have left me alone. It's not mil Vs mum in my book it's about those that allow you to be and feel you. For me my mil allows me to be me much more than my mum so I have to put more boundaries up with my mum otherwise my needs get trampled on.

Some people are happy with visitors immediately, and some aren’t. It is the choice of both parents, and grandparents need to respect that. I say that as the mother of a son, and if he chooses to have children and they decide to not have me visit immediately then I will put my own feelings aside and respect their decision.

I think it's very, very easy to say that now - but until you're in that situation, you have no idea how easy you'll find it to just "put your feelings aside".

Yep. And again, that kind of thinking bears comparison with that of the woman who says, pre-motherhood, 'When I have kids I won't..." and then finds it very different when she does.

The most important people in this scenario are the baby and the mother, the baby can only thrive when it's mom is healthy and happy. Every emotion she feels, the baby will feel. The father is also important but where his needs conflict with the mother and baby, hers are prioritised.

So even if you don't care about the mom but are only interested in the baby, you should still want the mother to prioritise herself, especially if she has a difficult birth and feels like she has no control in her life anymore, and is at risk of post natal depression or psychosis.

I would support my family/friends after birth in whatever way they needed. If that's give them space, that's absolutely fine and I would defend them against others. I would NEVER demand visits and talk about what I needed wanted if it would upset them.

This is their baby and her motherhood journey, no one else's.

100% this!

I just cannot wrap my head around the notion that new parents would actively forbid their own parents to meet their newborn for days or weeks! It doesn't have to be a long visit. Parents are very anxious about the birth, excited too, but mostly anxious until they know the baby has arrived safely and that their DD/DIL is doing well too. FGS I was very anxious even when my sisters were giving birth!

A quick visit, a cuddle with baby, and a hug with the grandparents is not a lot to ask. You can have your space after that and you will have plenty of time to bond in the wee small hours of the night when they don't sleep!! It blows my mind to think that denying that is right if you have a good, close relationship with your parents! Seeing their pride and delight is a tonic in itself.

Society has got so selfish and self-centred.

Sure it is, but why can't the grandparents be a passenger for 15 minutes/half an hour?! It's their grandparent journey too, who are in most cases the only people in the world who love your child almost as much as you do!

No you should wait until you are invited and not put pressure on them. The entitlement and demands stress most new mothers out and that's wrong.

I would be more likely to invite people soon if they respected me and how I was feeling.

I don’t think it is selfish to have a boundary after just giving birth.

In OP’s case, her and her DH both told his parents and they showed up anyway. It was a small boundary that could have been easily respected regardless if family liked it or not and they chose not to.

Add in the behaviour afterwards, it is one of the reasons many women decide to not have any visitors for days or weeks, not tell people at all or only tell a very select few, and/or distance themselves from such family members the next time around (if they choose to) because if family chooses to cross one simple, easy boundary, they will likely cross another or more.

Why is waiting until the mum is home and a bit more comfortable so difficult especially if you’ve been told what the new family wants to do? Why should others get to override that because they’re “excited”?

You can be excited and respect people’s boundaries.