In-laws visiting too soon

[Castlebouncey]

I gave birth to my beautiful son a week ago and I'm wondering if my feelings towards my MIL and FIL are justified (more MIL).

We asked for some time after the birth for just three of us, but they turned up at the hospital. I had to have stitches and stay the night on a ward. They turned up on the ward didn't ask me how I was, and practically ignored me. MIL picked up baby without asking and without his blanket. This lead to him having a low temperature and having to stay longer whilst his temperature regulated.

I'm now feeling quite negatively towards them and am not rushing to have them visit again, and feeling quite protective of our son. MIL has now made comments about not being able to bond with him as they haven't seen him since (he's only a week old and I'm still recovering!).

I'm I being unreasonable?

Babies aren't, but science and social norms are🙄

This...

Although they may have carried/birthed the baby many women forget that it takes two (in most conceptions) to make a baby and that the other parent that helped make said baby has parents too...

So many posts on here where the husband/DP's parents are excluded from seeing his newborn but parents of the babys mother are welcome.

But it is different. Mil saying one things, hospital/surgery saying something else. Mil then gets pissed off as Dil is not taking her word for it.

I had my first 2 babies 33 and 30 years ago and never heard such advice

So you asked them not to come but they came anyway? Fuck that. You need to set boundaries now or they will be walking all over you soon op. Hope your DH has your back.

I am broadly permanently confused about why people are so precious about not letting in laws visist with a new baby. BUT... having said that, I think the fact taht I don't mind in laws coming to the hospital is irrelevant, lots of people DO feel very vulnerable while in hospital after giving birth and don't want people there and for them to have ignored your request not to come to the hospital was insensitive and rude, even if I can sympathise with why they wanted to.

I'm not really convinced about the cuddle without a blanket causing baby to suffer though and I think you will have to let this sort of stuff go as otherwise you're going to be up in arms every time your baby gets a cold because So-And-So "gave it to him".

It depends on the previous relationship. If you all get on very well and this is the first grandchild, I would put it down to excitement and be a bit more forgiving. They really should not have turned up at the hospital when expressly asked not to, though, so you are right to be put out about that. If you don't get on well, then buckle up because your baby is going to be a whole new battleground. In which case, I recommend the scorched earth policy be actioned, very quickly!

Same here, just over 30 years ago.

I have rage on your behalf. You asked them not to come and they just showed up anyway? How are people missing this part? So entitled, you just gave birth, you get to decide who visits (and GUESS WHAT - if you do want your own Mum to come and noone else, I reckon that's actually ok!! Birth is scary and painful, maybe you're trying to figure out breastfeeding or just trying to work out which way is up. Perhaps, if you're lucky, your own Mum might give a tiny bit of a shit about how you're feeling and doing too, rather than just barge right in to meet their new grandbaby and ignore the incubator?). Baby barely even knows it's been born, he or she wants milk and Mummy cuddles and at a push, Daddy/other parent for those first few days or even weeks - there is absolutely no need for anyone else to dive in on day zero to commence their own bonding experience. What absolute nonsense and selfish to boot.

Yes I have a difficult relationship with my own inlaws so might be projecting. 😅

I found my in laws so frustrating just after birth, pushy and annoying and while they didn’t do anything super wrong it’s totally ok to feel that way (and for me it did pass), you have just had a baby, your hormones are all over the place. Ask you DH to tell them you want a week (or however long) to yourselves. I find it so ridiculous when grandparents say they can’t bond if they aren’t there right at the beginning. There is plenty of time for that once you have recovered and are up for visitors. Congratulations on your baby!

I wouldn't have wanted to chat to my inlaws after I'd had a load of stitches in my fanny either. I was in hospital for a week after my son's birth and my inlaws stayed away, thankfully. Polite conversation and seeing their lovely grandchild absolutely can wait until you're feeling up to it.

They definitely should NOT have visited you and the baby in the hospital, @Castlebouncey! I can understand their excitement - I know how excited dh and I were, when our son and his lovely wife had their first baby - but I was very anxious not to push in and visit before they had had the time they needed, to settle in to being a family of three.

We waited until they said they were ready for visits, and made sure that, when we did visit, we didn't outstay our welcome. They live 8 hours drive from us, so we booked a hotel, so we could get out from underfoot, and we made sure to be helpful and supportive (things like helping with housework, buying and making meals for them, walking the dogs).

I have a good relationship with my DIL, and with my other dses' partners - and I am committed to doing my utmost to make sure that carries on. If I want a good relationship, I have to be prepared to do the work - some ILs forget this.

YANBU -- It boggles my mind how entitled people can be just because you birthed a baby. You didn't want them there and they just turned up - personally, that would get a text telling them off - and it wouldn't be pleasant.

You are at one of the most vulnerable moments of your life after giving birth: physically fucked and possibly(probably) emotionally fucked too, not to mention probably shattered and starving, and these clowns want to barge in on that and for what? Just so they can have bragging rights that they got to see/hold the baby -- I'd be livid.

Just want to say you sound like a dream. Seriously. I would've killed for that sort of support after having my baby.

Are people really so daft that they don’t understand why holding a newborn in just a nappy will cause its temperature to drop? Do you not get cold if you are standing around in your underwear? Are they unaware that newborns’ bodies aren’t very good at regulating temperature yet? Or perhaps unaware that newborns in the ward will typically be in a nappy and blanket so that doctors have quick access to them if needed?

Good grief. OP, ignore anyone with no experience with babies attempting to contradict the medical professionals that have actually cared for you and aren’t opining on strangers from behind a screen. You are not unreasonable, your in-laws are being pushy and disrespectful by showing up against your wishes and scooping up your baby without asking. I hope your husband is ready to put boundaries in place with them because it sounds like they will need it.

I've never seen a newborn on a ward in just a nappy and a blanket. They're always fully dressed with vest, baby grow, hat sometimes a cardi to boot ime. No wonder they're cold if they're just in a nappy and blanket!

Yes, this is the important point. No one should pick up a baby without asking or being invited. Not even a grandmother.

And not even to ask how you are - that is awful. My MIL asked how I was. Admittedly she did also thank us - which led to a sharp retort from DH - we didn’t have him for you! - and a cross look from FIL. But she did ask how I was and did not grab DS.

We treated both sets of parents the same. In fact we encouraged visitors to visit during hospital visiting times rather than at home.

id never treat in-laws differently, they are my dh’s parents and one day I’ll be an in law and would hate to be treated differently just because my child is male.

OP, did your dh want his parents to meet his child so soon?

You’ve got to be joking. Are you really comparing the man’s contribution to conception, a pleasurable experience, to a woman carrying the pregnancy and giving birth?!

Some in-laws aren’t invited to visit as early as the mothers parents because it isn’t their child who has been through labour, very likely left with some degree of birth injury or recovering from a caesarean. The mother’s parents are concerned about their own child, the mother, predominantly. It isn’t always deliberate or malicious but in-laws can be more focused on the new grandchild.

Obviously she doesn't care about boundaries so I'd be nipping this in the bud now.

Congratulations 💐

That's completely irrelevant. A woman who has just given birth gets to decide who visits her in hospital, and it's not surprising that she might prefer to have her own parents around her.

To arrive at the hospital after being asked not to is poor behaviour. To pick up the baby without even acknowledging the mother is atrocious behaviour.

Their son needs to get off his arse and deal with his rude, boundary-trampling parents before they alienate themselves entirely.

Agreed. I’m the mother of sons and I have no problem understanding this. Why can’t others? I had to spell it out to DH.

Why on earth would my DS’s partner feel the same way about me visiting as her own mother? Her own mum helped her deal with her periods, took her for her first bra fitting etc. It isn’t about equality of access to the baby; it is about caring for a woman who has just given birth.

Whilst I would never go against the wishes of DIL and DS (so I’m not condoning your MIL’s behaviour), I’m eternally thankful that they make so much effort to include me, and to nurture the relationship between my baby grandson and me. It’s just one of the reasons I love my DIL so much.

It doesn’t sound like there’s much love between you and your MIL, which is a shame.

OP, I wish your DH had turned them away at the hospital. They’re stomping on your boundaries and he’ll need to get tough to reset the balance, to keep things harmonious for everyone.

Your priority is the baby, and everyone else should treat you as the priority. Looking after your needs and wants gives you the best opportunity to look after your baby. Have your DH tell them that you need time to recover and you’ll be in touch when you’re ready for visits.

I have two sets of in-laws, one MIL I love, and a step-MIL who is difficult. She didn’t ask how I was on her first visit, instead her first words were (as I walked into the room holding DD) asking to hold her. There’s nothing quite like being left feeling you’re reduced to just an incubator!

Happy to adopt you, @BlueFlint!