In-laws visiting too soon

[Castlebouncey]

I gave birth to my beautiful son a week ago and I'm wondering if my feelings towards my MIL and FIL are justified (more MIL).

We asked for some time after the birth for just three of us, but they turned up at the hospital. I had to have stitches and stay the night on a ward. They turned up on the ward didn't ask me how I was, and practically ignored me. MIL picked up baby without asking and without his blanket. This lead to him having a low temperature and having to stay longer whilst his temperature regulated.

I'm now feeling quite negatively towards them and am not rushing to have them visit again, and feeling quite protective of our son. MIL has now made comments about not being able to bond with him as they haven't seen him since (he's only a week old and I'm still recovering!).

I'm I being unreasonable?

Yes op never mind that you have been the one admitted to the ward. Are you being fair with your new toy that everyone wants to play with? 🙄.

There's probably history and instincts at play here.
It sounds like you don't really get on with your in laws so you want to continue to keep them at arms length.

It meant that the OP and her baby had to stay in hospital longer to regulate her baby's temperature so it did do some harm.

Congratulations on your lovely baby.

Just remind them that baby needs to bond with you and daddy first!

Be firm @Castlebouncey otherwise she will be overly involved and flood you with lots of ‘advice’ from 30 years ago.

Erm imo the bonding is primarily between mum and baby, followed by dad and baby.
Newborns don’t need to bond with grandparents.
I have a great relationship with my dgc but never forgot that their mum was the one needing care from other adult family members.
Look after the mother and the mother will look after the child. That’s a quote from someone but I can’t recall who. Anyway it’s a good stance to take. It puts the baby front and centre and allows mum to not have to worry about adults shoving their way in.

Grandparents don't need to bond with the baby in the first few days after birth. If requested, they should give the new parents some space and not deliberately ignore requests not to come to the hospital.

OP, what was your relationship with your in-laws like before you became pregnant and had the baby? Do they have a history of over-stepping your boundaries?

They’ve ignored your wishes and the only person who needs to bond with baby is you and your DH. Your mil has had her kids, this is your turn. She needs to back off. Your DH should be handling this. They can visit the you feel ready.

Newborns don't need to bond with grandparents!

Your responsibility is to your baby, not to them.

It's absolutely outrageous that she should pick up the baby without your invitation or permission.

Your DH (not you) needs to say something to them. Mothers (and fathers, but that is not the key relationship at the newborn stage) need time and space to recover, to bond, to find their feet as mothers on their own - otherwise it's very easy to feel self conscious, watched or judged.

You will get replies from posters telling you how they had ILs visiting mere hours after birth while they were still recovering from the birth, and happily passed baby to visitors. It's not for everyone though, and isn't the norm. Neither way is.
Some people are happy to have visitors on the postnatal ward immediately, others want time to recover and get used to their new baby. Asking for some time isn't rude or precious, in fact ILs were extremely rude to turn up on the ward and massively overstepped boundaries.
Both my parents and ILs said "let us know when you're ready for us to visit", which is the correct attitude to take, and what I will do if I have grandkids in future.

What is the context, OP?

The main bonding needs to happen within your little family of 3 and your PiL should have respected that. But were your parents invited to the hospital to see the baby? That would completely change the story.

If no one was invited to the hospital, your PiL really should not have come.

I am very sorry your LO had the difficulty with temperature regulation, but as PP have said this won’t have been caused by going without his blanket for a short while.

I hope you are recovering well.

I don't believe that lifting the baby would have caused any harm!

I find this preciousness really weird! I couldn't wait to show my babies off! I think it's rotten to spoil the excitement for the grandparents tbh!

You wanted to show your babies off. Other people like their own space for a while after giving birth. Neither is right or wrong, just a personal choice that should be respected. There is plenty of time for the grandparents to bond with OP's baby once she feels more comfortable with visitors.

Babies are like boxes of chocolates, the owner of the chocolates should be the one offering them around. You don’t walk in and help yourself to someone’s chocolates. You wait to be offered and you also ask before passing them onto someone else.

You should always ask the Mother to intrude on her space and to pick up her child. YANBU.

Wouldn't that be horrific, because of course babies are totally different now to what they were 30 years ago...🙄

It isn't preciousness, it's different points of view. It's a shame that someone wanting to do things differently has to be put down for it.
You couldn't wait for visitors, some people want time to recover and, often, get used to actually having a baby.
If grandparents are forcing visits, that's their problem.

If they can’t respect the Mothers wishes at this point when she’s just given birth, maybe it’s better they’re not involved in a years time.

This emotional manipulation when a woman has just gone through pregnancy and usually a traumatic birth does my nut in. She can have time to heal before being descended on.

OP - after a traumatic c section and bad pregnancy I also had a week to recover without visitors. I was bleeding heavily, couldn’t wear underwear and couldn’t walk - people had to get over it. My husband advocated for me and yours should too.

At what point did you let everyone know you didn't want visitors?

They were being unreasonable for turning up against your wishes, but I'd have thought it was easier to have everyone visit in hospital, no making drinks, people staying too long etc. I'm sure they only did it because they were so excited to see their new grandchild. We were left alone after initial visit, but DM and ILs really wanted to see DD again, so we gave them a date about a week after.

Like you, I had stitches - took two hours to stitch me up and I'd had that many top ups with epidural that I was still numb and wobbly the next day. I was only too pleased to see my DM and ILs and the pleasure it gave them to see their grandchild, also the fact I wasn't able to reach and pick DD up myself, it meant if they had a cuddle they could pass her to me.

I think emotions are running a bit high right now, obviously you're feeling very sore as well. Maybe cut them a bit of slack and give them a chance.

You sound like the inconsiderate MIL yourself. She literally said in her OP that it caused the baby's temperature to go down and for them to have to stay longer in hospital.

Ohh it's that poster, when you mentioned 30 years ago I remembered from another thread!

If I'd asked for some time alone after the birth (and I have) and PIL (and even my own parents) showed up unannounced, while still in hospital or not, I would have been furious and would have given them a piece of my mind. I'd also say "given you're unable to respect our boundaries, I won't be welcoming you to visit the baby for a little while until I'm more recovered and you can respect our boundaries better". Hate entitled grandparents who think that just because they want something, everyone should obliged

Yep, and yet even if it's the most important thing to them the grandparents, it isn't about them and it isn't their decision to make. Tough titties they'll have to wait.
To me, this is a massive red flag in not respecting boundaries and is a preview of how they'll behave for the future boundaries you'll have. I'll be extra clear now and be really intransigent to put them off trying to transgress your boundaries again.

I didn't mind my parents seeing me in pain and bleeding everywhere, but I didn't want my in laws to visit in hospital. Parents usually want to make sure their daughter is fine as well as meeting their new grandchild. In laws just want baby cuddles

If that's your only useful comment, then perhaps you're the sort of grandparent who changed the trend?

And yes, my in laws saw my baby first the day after I got home, my parents the next day. Doesn't mean that OP has to have the same, especially when the ILs in question have not been nice to her.

Honestly, if you can't put your opinion across with a bit of understanding, then why bother? Telling people off rarely changes their ways.

Advice is different now than it was 30 years ago. My MIL told me to give my newborn honey and that I was “spoiling her” by carrying her in a sling. Totally outdated nonsense advice that I didn’t ask for

I’d be fuming if they came to the hospital uninvited.

i had a c section both times and did NOT want visitors. I was bleeding all the time, in huge pain and just needed to be alone and sleep