To not mention I have 50/50 custody on my dating profile

[WillVioletsDad]

Hi all. I'm a bloke, but posting here because I'd appreciate a female perspective. I fear the below might read like engagement bait, but it's genuinely the dilemma I have, and I would like to know what people think.

I'm separated (nearly three years now, divorce imminent) with a very good relationship with my ex-wife. We share 50/50 custody of my daughter.

In my profile on dating sites I mention that I have 50/50 custody, because I was thinking that it's good to be up front, and I (perhaps naively) thought that women might read that and think that I'm a good dad.

But I'm now thinking I should remove that, because I'm scared it might be a "red flag".

I remember a thread on here by a woman who was unhappy that her husband wanted to go from having his (not her's) kids every other weekend and one evening a week to 50/50 custody (he wanted to see them more). She was unhappy with this, basically saying that she hadn't anticipated his children being a significant part of their lives when she married him. (She wanted him, not the kids).

I particularly remember one comment from a woman who'd said that when her step-children were kids, her and her husband had had them to stay every other weekend and one evening a week and that this "was enough".

(It wouldn't be enough for me. I would miss my daughter terribly.)

But I'm thinking maybe that because in our (sexist, patriarchal) society, women generally do most of the child rearing, EOW/1NAW is the default, and that might be what women are expecting if they meet a bloke with kids from a dating site. And that if they find out that instead, he has his child/children half the time, that this would be "too much?" Or even, they might thing that it's a strange thing to mention on a profile even if they didn't have a problem with it per se? Or they'd just be worried that I'm looking for someone to do the parenting so I don't have to. (For reference, I'm not one of those scumbag blokes who only wants 50/50 so that he can get out of paying maintenance, and then palms the kids off on his mum).

Anyhow, I'm thinking that I don't want any instant red-flags on my profile that would cause someone to "swipe left" without considering me.

Would it be unreasonable (and / or advisable) for me to just say that I have a daughter and leave it at that?

Not unreasonable: don't say you have 50/50 on your profile, because women might see that as weird or off-putting. Mention it later, if / when things develop.

Unreasonable: do say that you have 50/50, it's being honest and you should be proud of it, and women appreciate that.

I was absolutely certain when I was OLD that I did not want to meet a man with children.

So personally I think it's important to at least know someone has children.

Though I completely understand why straight women don't want to put it on their profile.

Is it that important for you to get laid that you are trying to work out with the help of women which approach will be most successful for you?

It depends if you want a ONS or a relationship. If you want a relationship, filter out the ones who don't like kids and don't want to be involved in a 50/50 from the outset. It means you'll get fewer replies upfront but more quality people replying.

ETA before I get jumped on by someone purposely taking it the wrong way: By quality I mean for your specific situation instead of people who you waste time on then find out 50/50 kids are a dealbreaker.

It's not a red flag in that I'd think you a bad person, I'd think you were a good, responsible parent. But I wouldn't want to date you, because that wouldn't suit my lifestyle and availability. So it's absolutely something I would want to know up front - the right person wouldn't mind and would be able to make it work.

Were did he say he just wants to get laid?

Any woman who is put off by you having shared care isn't the one for you.

IME many men put it out there, and most women appreciate full honesty.

I am not on dating apps etc so don’t know how much detail is on them. However, if seeing you have 50/50 custody puts a woman off dating you then surely that’s a good thing to know before you start dating? So you’re not wasting time. Do you want a woman who might be resentful when she finally does finds out? Do you want someone to feel like you’ve lied to her by omission?
If you want to find a woman for a casual relationship/ONS then take it off but if you’re looking for someone who maybe also has kids and appreciates that men come with kids as well and is mature enough to cope with this then leave it on.

I'm not trying to get laid. I'm looking for a long-term relationship. Someone to share my life with. (Not that it's relevant, but I'm 55 and have only slept with four women in my life. I'm not into sex with something that I don't feel an emotional connection with.)

I don't think it's unreasonable to try and write your profile in a way that will be appealing. I'm sure most people on here who've been on dating websites have tried to write a profile that will put forward their "best face". I find it really hard trying to sum up who I am, what's important to me, and what I'm looking for in just a few paragraphs. In fact, I find the whole thing overwhelming and depressing, and I often think that should give up the whole thing and learn to be okay with being single.

I did run the profile past my ex-wife (she was the one gently encouraging me to go on dating sites) and she thought it was "lovely", but she's probably a bit biased.

Oddly, DH and I were talking last night and I mentioned that I'd have been far less interested in him if he were an EOW Dad to his little one when we met. The fact he'd asked for (and received) 50/50 showed me that he was a committed father, and not the kind of man to shy away from his responsibilities even when life doesn't turn out how you expect.

I think you're putting a little too much thought into how 'inconvenient' or 'undesirable' your child may be to a potential partner, and not enough thought in to how much you don't want a partner like that.
Saying the right things attracts the right people.

You, and your daughter, deserve somebody in your lives who wants to be part of your family. That doesn't mean to step in and be a mother, but that's not what 50/50 says to me and is what your prospective partners will need to establish their own boundaries around.
50/50 shows you were willing to alter a work schedule, life and chore load, to take an equal share. When I entered my relationship, I made it clear that I expected 50/50 this end too.

It might take longer to be paired up, but you'll save a lot of time and heartache for all of you, if you're honest from the start.

Surely if it's 'too much' for a woman that you have your child 50/50 then you want her to swipe away from you?

Why would you want to meet people who wouldn't be compatible for your life?

Why would you want to hide that from women?

It's not a red flag, everyone manages their custody arrangements to suit them and their children. If 5050 is what works for you it works for you.

Definitely be up front about having a child and you're an involved dad but people don't need to know it's 50/50 necessarily do they? Everyone has their own life and how 50/50 works for you will be different to other people. (Eg good terms and flexible when needed Vs strict schedule etc).

There could be a whole host of reasons someone was busy a lot of nights which wouldn't be listed in their profile. It's only once you get to know someone that you work out if their life would fit with yours.

"if seeing you have 50/50 custody puts a woman off dating you then surely that’s a good thing to know before you start dating"

That was exactly my thinking. But in talking with other people (like my ex-wife) there seems to be a thought that if you put too much detail into your profile, then that in itself puts people off, so they never get a chance to know you. And that your profile should just give them a taste of who you are.

Should also say that I'm autistic (recently diagnosed) and that's another thing I struggle with wondering if I should mention it up front. I did have a profile that was very wordy and detailed (over-explaining is a classic autistic trait) but I've now tried to slim it down.

That is sort of my thinking. Someone might not have a problem with it, but might find it weird to state it up front. Perhaps profiles are just supposed to be a sort of "advert" and then the nuts and bolts of your life come out later. (But only if they found the "advert" appealing enough to click like). :)

(Our 50/50 is very flexible. I've just had our daughter an extra day because my ex and her boyfriend wanted to go to the theatre and this particular play was only on a Monday.)

Yeah, I get all of that. But I can't help but noticing that not a single female profile that I've looked at has mentioned custody. A few mention in the text that they have kids, but often the only mention that they have kids is in the profile information they fill in. So you can't tell if they 100% single mums, 90% (i.e. father has kids occasionally), 50%, or perhaps they're grown-up kids who've left home.

So it's like they don't think this is something that should go in the profile?

Am I being autistic in feeling a need to be over-honest?

I think if you're worried about being "too much" for someone in the dating overview, is it possible that mainstream online dating isn't the ideal place to meet someone? I mean it's a minefield at the best of times. Do you have a hobby or special interest? I'm wondering if meeting people through that (either in person or through an online site for the hobby or for dating people with that hobby) might be the best approach for you, so you've got a shared common ground. I certainly know if I were to marry again I'd want my future husband to share at least some of my hobbies.

I wouldn't want to date a man with children. So I would be annoyed to invest time in them and find this out later.

This is partly because that I'd assume that a man with children would spend a lot of time with them, and that, these days, it might well be 50/50. (Actually if I was looking for a man with children, I'd consider it a plus that they were a committed father).

Yeah, I've already deleted all the apps once.

That might be good advice.

“In fact, I find the whole thing overwhelming and depressing, and I often think that should give up the whole thing and learn to be okay with being single.”

There wisdom in this too, OP.
Being in a relationship isn’t the be all and end all.

Perhaps you’re overthinking the whole thing and need to just live your life and be happy.
best wishes to you.

Forget about the childcare but, 'But I'm thinking maybe that because in our (sexist, patriarchal) society,' that's enough to turn any woman away.

What a ridiculous thing to believe.

I'm not going to hide the fact that I have a daughter. I'm going to leave in the bit that says I want to be a good dad to my daughter. I'm just talking about removing the reference to custody arrangements.

He hasn't said that….🙄

Sorry, it's ridiculous for me to believe that we live in a sexist society?

Surely, there's evidence of sexism everywhere, in how women get lumbered with childcare, get paid less than men for doing the same job, are victims of sexual assault (in a society that teaches girls how not to get raped but doesn't teach boys not to be rapists) etc etc?

“Am I being autistic in feeling a need to be over-honest?”

“Info-dumping” is an autistic trait.
I do it all the time (also autistic, late diagnosis).