To not mention I have 50/50 custody on my dating profile

[WillVioletsDad]

Hi all. I'm a bloke, but posting here because I'd appreciate a female perspective. I fear the below might read like engagement bait, but it's genuinely the dilemma I have, and I would like to know what people think.

I'm separated (nearly three years now, divorce imminent) with a very good relationship with my ex-wife. We share 50/50 custody of my daughter.

In my profile on dating sites I mention that I have 50/50 custody, because I was thinking that it's good to be up front, and I (perhaps naively) thought that women might read that and think that I'm a good dad.

But I'm now thinking I should remove that, because I'm scared it might be a "red flag".

I remember a thread on here by a woman who was unhappy that her husband wanted to go from having his (not her's) kids every other weekend and one evening a week to 50/50 custody (he wanted to see them more). She was unhappy with this, basically saying that she hadn't anticipated his children being a significant part of their lives when she married him. (She wanted him, not the kids).

I particularly remember one comment from a woman who'd said that when her step-children were kids, her and her husband had had them to stay every other weekend and one evening a week and that this "was enough".

(It wouldn't be enough for me. I would miss my daughter terribly.)

But I'm thinking maybe that because in our (sexist, patriarchal) society, women generally do most of the child rearing, EOW/1NAW is the default, and that might be what women are expecting if they meet a bloke with kids from a dating site. And that if they find out that instead, he has his child/children half the time, that this would be "too much?" Or even, they might thing that it's a strange thing to mention on a profile even if they didn't have a problem with it per se? Or they'd just be worried that I'm looking for someone to do the parenting so I don't have to. (For reference, I'm not one of those scumbag blokes who only wants 50/50 so that he can get out of paying maintenance, and then palms the kids off on his mum).

Anyhow, I'm thinking that I don't want any instant red-flags on my profile that would cause someone to "swipe left" without considering me.

Would it be unreasonable (and / or advisable) for me to just say that I have a daughter and leave it at that?

Not unreasonable: don't say you have 50/50 on your profile, because women might see that as weird or off-putting. Mention it later, if / when things develop.

Unreasonable: do say that you have 50/50, it's being honest and you should be proud of it, and women appreciate that.

Vile.

I'm female, before idiots like this one make assumptions. But I'm sick of the misandry by women on here. Women who at some point have clearly liked a man enough to conceive one or more children.

Yes some men are abusive cunts. So are some women. I'd assume anyone posting unsubstantiated crap like this is. People are individuals - how dare you just assume the worst, based on what genitalia someone has. The OP comes across for more balanced and pleasant than you do!

Women that don't want to be involved with an involved parent won't be interested in dating you. That's a good thing. Why waste time dating people that don't want your kids to be apart of your life

Whst a fucking awful comment.

I think mentioning you are a dad to (x number) of (approx age) kids is useful information to share to avoid anyone who's lifestyle is not compatible and to be honest. I don't think the exact custody arrangements need to be disclosed in your profile, that's something you might discuss on a date quite early on, if you think you have a connection with someone.

I never mentioned having a child at all until I'd got to the point where we'd talked for a few days and had set a date to meet up. For me that was mostly about protecting myself from anyone looking for women with children. I would suggest that you don't mention it all on your profile, then bring it up in the chat, and then if she asks about custody of course be honest.

I flip flop on whether I should mention that I'm autistic. I am what I guess people would call "high functioning" - I was only diagnosed at the age of 53. In general day to day life, I don't think it's something people would notice. But it explained a lot about struggles I had with previous relationships including my marriage.

It would definitely be something I'd want to mention very early on, firstly for honesty, but also as otherwise the worry of when to mention it, and the stress of feeling that I need to make sure I don't make any "autistic mistakes" would probably cause me to act weirdly. I wouldn't be able to relax and make some attempt to be myself until I'd got it out into the open.

But the problem is that autism covers such a wide range, from people like me who have good lives but find it hard to tell (for just one example) whether a partner is tired or annoyed*, to people with severe learning difficulties incapable of leading independent lives. If I just say that I'm autistic, someone reading that has way of knowing which of the above two I am, and not unreasonably, they might decide that this is something they'd rather not get into.

*I end up apologising because I think I've done something to upset them, which then pisses them off when they ask what I'm apologising for, and I say I don't know. (The problem with autism is that you can do something that is pissing something off, but because you miss all the signals, the first you know about it, is when they explode. So you end up living in a state of paranoia, trying to work out in advance what might upset someone, and the whole time trying to work out if they're upset.)

It's a huge commitment in your life so of course you should add it. The right woman for you will see it as a positive, or at the least, neutral.

Personally, I have kids and wouldn't want to date a man with 50/50 custody. I'd respect you completely but I don't want anymore kids/step kids. No desire to share my home with other children. However I'd also judge a man who rarely sees his kids.

I think I'd prefer not to meet a man with kids at all if I were single. Or stay single 😬

If you do mention it you could say late-diagnosed, which to me signals that it wasn’t such an obvious thing that it was spotted at a young age.

As a fellow late-diagnosed autistic I get what you’re saying, there certainly is stigma, but personally I stand a better chance with someone also on the spectrum or someone who has some ‘symbiotic traits’, than with someone purely NT. There is a long-running support thread on here for women married to autistic men and it can be a difficult read if you’re not NT.

How about not dating while your daughter is young. Problem solved.

Personally, I am looking for someone with children 50/50 is a green flag for me! It will all come down to the individuals circumstances though.

I keep that I am parent off my dating profile incase I attract a peado. It's a well known way of gaining access to children, so I am incredibly cautious. My last relationship was over a year long and never met my children because I wasn't 100% sure about him (sorry, not what you asked but might be useful to understand why some women don't mention it).

I think you should mention it. Many people, me included, are not interested in men with young children. I'm 54, my son is 22 and has left home. I'm not interested in dating men who still have a young child at home. If it's not mentioned in the profile, it becomes a waste of time for both of us. I do mention in my profile that I'm only looking for a man who no longer has child care responsibilities

I wouldn't date a Dad that barely saw their child so for me it would be a green flag if he's actually a decent parent.
If a woman thinks 50/50 is too much she'd be best not dating someone with kids.

I’d say you have a child and leave it at that .
Anyone who doesn’t want to date someone with kids will scroll on anyway . Others that would hope you are a decent person would think 50/50 a possibility without you telling them .
Who knows they may have their kids 50/50 also and it could work perfectly.

positive thinking 😊

And you say the same to single mothers?

If I was old, knowing you had 5050 wouldn't put me off at all. I think you have to careful about a couple stray comments and think of them as representative of a larger group.

I think you stating that you have a child is enough to weed out the people who really don't want to be around kids.

Oh believe me people do!

She’s 12 - are parents not entitled to a life?

Depends, at what cost to the child.......

For me, as a 50/50, another 50/50 parent of young kids is off putting as I don't know how we'd have the time to see each other! I would like the fact that you were a committed father though. I'd ideally be hoping for someone with slightly older kids where the childcare arrangements didn't matter so much, or even someone without kids.

All you can do is be honest about your situation to attract someone suitable, don't fib, that's the worst on OD