To not mention I have 50/50 custody on my dating profile

[WillVioletsDad]

Hi all. I'm a bloke, but posting here because I'd appreciate a female perspective. I fear the below might read like engagement bait, but it's genuinely the dilemma I have, and I would like to know what people think.

I'm separated (nearly three years now, divorce imminent) with a very good relationship with my ex-wife. We share 50/50 custody of my daughter.

In my profile on dating sites I mention that I have 50/50 custody, because I was thinking that it's good to be up front, and I (perhaps naively) thought that women might read that and think that I'm a good dad.

But I'm now thinking I should remove that, because I'm scared it might be a "red flag".

I remember a thread on here by a woman who was unhappy that her husband wanted to go from having his (not her's) kids every other weekend and one evening a week to 50/50 custody (he wanted to see them more). She was unhappy with this, basically saying that she hadn't anticipated his children being a significant part of their lives when she married him. (She wanted him, not the kids).

I particularly remember one comment from a woman who'd said that when her step-children were kids, her and her husband had had them to stay every other weekend and one evening a week and that this "was enough".

(It wouldn't be enough for me. I would miss my daughter terribly.)

But I'm thinking maybe that because in our (sexist, patriarchal) society, women generally do most of the child rearing, EOW/1NAW is the default, and that might be what women are expecting if they meet a bloke with kids from a dating site. And that if they find out that instead, he has his child/children half the time, that this would be "too much?" Or even, they might thing that it's a strange thing to mention on a profile even if they didn't have a problem with it per se? Or they'd just be worried that I'm looking for someone to do the parenting so I don't have to. (For reference, I'm not one of those scumbag blokes who only wants 50/50 so that he can get out of paying maintenance, and then palms the kids off on his mum).

Anyhow, I'm thinking that I don't want any instant red-flags on my profile that would cause someone to "swipe left" without considering me.

Would it be unreasonable (and / or advisable) for me to just say that I have a daughter and leave it at that?

Not unreasonable: don't say you have 50/50 on your profile, because women might see that as weird or off-putting. Mention it later, if / when things develop.

Unreasonable: do say that you have 50/50, it's being honest and you should be proud of it, and women appreciate that.

Relationship. Sorry, I should have made that clear. I'm so not into casual stuff that I forget that some people are, and just assume that everyone on a dating app is "looking for the one". (And yeah, I know that's both stupid and naive). :)

(Having said that, there is an option on the two sites I use for what you're looking for. I think it's something like friendship or relationship, and I set it to relationship.)

I know a lot of people in the age bracket you’ve mention who’ve met their new partner through their hobbies: running, Parkrun CrossFit etc are theirs but I’m sure lots of hobbies have local clubs. It’s a great way to meet people where the hobby is the reason you’re there and friendships or a relationship can grow from that.

YABU

You should not ever deliberately withhold information just because you worry that telling the truth will put off potential dates.

This seems very manipulative, why shouldn’t women be able to make an informed decision whether or not to go on a date with you?

For what it’s worth, I don’t agree that a dad having 50/50 contact should be any more of a reason to not date him than the fact that he has children full stop, but you have to accept that women are free to choose not to date somebody for any reason, they don’t have to justify to men why. Just like I am sure you will have ruled out women from OLD based on their circumstances / appearance/ interests ect.

You get that these profiles are generally just a few sentences? One of them I'm on you have to answer two questions (from a selection).

So I might look at a woman whose profile consists (fictional example) of:

A saying I live by? Live and let live.

Where are you happy? On my allotment.

And that's it. The only reason on that site I've mentioned my daughter is that I picked as one of my two questions "My dream is to be" and answered "I want to be a good father to my 12 year old daughter, and to be happy and loved".

That seems like I've gone out of my way to volunteer more information than the prompts suggest?

Should say that's after I've edited it just now. It used to say "I want to be a good father to my 12 year old daughter (I share 50/50 custody of her), and to be happy and loved".

I agree with this. Dating isn’t mandatory.

But if you have decided to date (which is fine) just be honest. No point getting further down the road and then giving the other person a “nasty” (in their eyes, if those are their feelings) surprise.

It’s about meeting someone you’re compatible with, after all, not drawing someone in with who isn’t right for you and your lifestyle.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with your latest update. I do think it's important to make it clear you have a child of that age, but the finer details are for later messages/phone calls/dates.

I do think you might want to consider lowering your age range a tad for the same reasons given by previous posters. I'm in my early 40s and my kids are slightly younger than yours. If I were single, I would consider responding to your profile. But when I'm 50, my kids will be young adults, and I don't think I would be as interested. Although i would try and work with it if we really had a connection.

I probably wouldn't put much info about my children in a profile, as I would be mindful of the fact that there men out there who target single women to get close to their children. I would be upfront about my custody situation if I had made a match, because there isn't one. I have my kids 100% of the time with no input from their father. I know this would have put a lot of men off because I don't have any free weekends or holidays where the kids are away.

OP , I think I rather love you and your deep thinking!

That said, I think you've overstated how unusual your circs are at your age. I don't think it's terribly unusual to become a dad in your mid 40s. 50s is just a point when there's a lot of variety.

Don't worry about not being suited to everyone, that's absolutely fine. It's not personal.

I think 'dad of a 12 year old, 50/50' is fine. Gives a bit of info about your availability and situation (i.e. young un lives with you half the time, you're not going overseas to stay with your ex or anything for visitation, story, all custody settled). To me, it gives quite a reassuring outward impression in few words. Obviously there may be a lot behind that but if I was dating and considering dads, I would want to know that the logistics and legalities were at least settled.

I would suggest also that you don't really get to know someone on the phone or online. You get to know the.on person, even just a coffee. I get the impression from your last post that you might be planning to chat first before meeting. I wouldn't spend much time on this. It's very easy to build the ability to hold a conversation into more than it is and that's a waste of time if there's no connection in person.

Hmm. In that situation I would maybe not, but make sure it's communicated early in any conversations if someone makes contact. Your updated sentence makes me think of some asshole who is a shit absent father but blames the mother for 'keeping his child from him' and posts how much he loves her all over social media yet does nothing. Sorry, that was quite specific 😅 but its a nuanced situation and not sure a single sentence does it justice.
Hypothetically- I would much prefer a relationship with a single father with 100% custody. Stepparenting would be fine. Being a 3rd ir 4th parental figure sounds way harder. But that's just me, everyone has different priorities.

The problem with lowering my age range is that it just feels a bit, well, not quite pervy, but weird. I don't want to be one of those creepy old guys that isn't interested in women his own age, but wants to date younger women.

I mean, if a woman who's 45 clicks on me, then fine. But if I were to click on her, I'd feel like she'd be wondering who I thought I was?

But I might be overthinking this. (Not overthinking is usually 50% of the pep talks my ex-wife occasionally gives me). :)

See now that makes it sound that simply mentioning my daughter in the text (as opposed to having the tag in my profile that says I have children, which I do as well) can send alarm bells that I'm somehow trying too hard, and trying to make it point.

I can see that. :( Like if you date me, the next time you might see me is on the evening news, hanging off a crane somewhere, dressed as batman. :)

I can't imagine how you can rewrite your profile in a way that means a woman who doesn't want to live with a 50/50 custody arrangement would be interested in you. That's who you are and that is what you are offering to a potential partner.
It's a big deal, and some women will steer clear thinking it isn't fair on the children, or on themselves, to join an established household in this way. Some won't though, and perhaps the woman of your dreams is amongst them.

So potentially hundreds of people know that level of personal detail just by browsing? No way

@WillVioletsDad

You get that these profiles are generally just a few sentences?

Yes, I do get that (I met my DP online).

But your original post was not ‘should I not include this on my profile because these profiles are generally just a few sentences’ was it?

Your original post only asked if you should leave it off because it is a ‘red flag’ or ‘because women might see that as weird or off-putting’.

Hence why I chose YABU, because in my opinion to chose not to put something on a profile for the sole reason that you think it may be a red flag is, in itself, a red flag.

No it's not that. If a women doesn't want my daughter, then why would I want to go out with her?

I'm worried about putting off women who would be happy with me and my daughter, but who are looking for a profile that comes across as happy, positive, and free of red flags, and who when taking a second or so to evaluate a profile before metaphorically swiping left or right might dismiss a profile that comes across as detailed or negative when the other profiles are all more positive and happy... if that makes sense?

Imagine you met a really cool man who you really liked, and then you found out when doing the initial chat that his hobby was playing Warhammer (not for an excessive amount of time each month, and not spending excessive amounts of money on it, just a fun, casual thing). And you might be completely cool with that. I mean, it's good to have hobbies right, and this is something that he enjoys doing, and he gets to do it with his friends, so there's no problem.

But if you were swiping through profiles, and in his relatively brief profile one of the few things he decided to mention was that he plays Warhammer, you might think "Oh God, he sounds like a weirdo who lives in his mother's basement* and spends all his money on little metal toys".

*Metaphorical basement, given that I live in the UK and we don't generally have basements.

Point is, there can be things that aren't in themselves a problem, but can be "red flags" if you mention them in the wrong context or too enthusiastically,

Point is, there can be things that aren't in themselves a problem, but can be "red flags" if you mention them in the wrong context or too enthusiastically,
Do you mean it's a question of how you phrase the 50/50 issue?
If so I'd suggest something like 'My gorgeous daughter spends fifty per cent of the week with me. I love our time together, and I also have plenty of time for building a happy and committed relationship with the right woman.'

You say you're 55 so how old are the kids? I think it would make a difference to a potential partner whether they're still little children or young adults.

One daughter, aged 12.

I must’ve missed that bit? Women have asked for advice on exactly the same thing on here…did you ask them the same thing?

I might wonder if he’s one of the types complaining about females invading Warhammer or whatever other neckbeard nonsense 🤔 But maybe I’m just weird in that I would hate short profiles and would
much prefer a long one that did mention hobbies, children, etc. But then again I’m also autistic. I saw my husband’s OLD profile from before we met, God it was awful. I would have never clicked on him! Barely anything there, terrible photos, gave me nothing to go on as to whether I would get on with him as a person.

I think that @NeverDropYourMooncup raises a valid point… it would be difficult to have anything beyond a short fling without the other person knowing that you have a child with you 50% of the time. I would personally think this regardless of whether this was a male or female poster…

You know OP, you sound adorable, and I think you've garnered quite a fan club already, by posting on here! 😊
Sounds like you want quite a lot of ongoing advice and feedback though- did you know that there's a dedicated OLD thread in the Relationships section, where people gather to share their setbacks and triumphs?!

Yep!!
If you're a weirdo trying to attract other weirdos, a long, rambling, detailed profile full of self deprecating humour and obscure references is just the ticket.

(From a self confessed weirdo 😆)

I don't date and have no plans to but if I did, I would avoid men with children. I think it's only fair to say that you have children so that those who are not opposed to it are the ones who choose you.

I'm on dating sites. You absolutely should mention it so it can weed out anyone who's not keen and not waste your time.
I would love to have another baby and I don't want to move far from my family work and friends. So if a man does 50/50 and he lives far away from me I would probably rule him out as I know he can't move far from his kids schools and it would be on me to move with my toddler and get stuck in his weird area if it didn't work out.
However if it's a local man I think 50/50 is a green flag as it suggests he's responsible and trustworthy.
If a man only does a little bit of time despite living close to his kid I kind of assume he's either not a good person as he isn't bothered, or there's something dodgy about him and his ex doesn't trust him (the latter reason is my situation with my ex)