To not mention I have 50/50 custody on my dating profile

[WillVioletsDad]

Hi all. I'm a bloke, but posting here because I'd appreciate a female perspective. I fear the below might read like engagement bait, but it's genuinely the dilemma I have, and I would like to know what people think.

I'm separated (nearly three years now, divorce imminent) with a very good relationship with my ex-wife. We share 50/50 custody of my daughter.

In my profile on dating sites I mention that I have 50/50 custody, because I was thinking that it's good to be up front, and I (perhaps naively) thought that women might read that and think that I'm a good dad.

But I'm now thinking I should remove that, because I'm scared it might be a "red flag".

I remember a thread on here by a woman who was unhappy that her husband wanted to go from having his (not her's) kids every other weekend and one evening a week to 50/50 custody (he wanted to see them more). She was unhappy with this, basically saying that she hadn't anticipated his children being a significant part of their lives when she married him. (She wanted him, not the kids).

I particularly remember one comment from a woman who'd said that when her step-children were kids, her and her husband had had them to stay every other weekend and one evening a week and that this "was enough".

(It wouldn't be enough for me. I would miss my daughter terribly.)

But I'm thinking maybe that because in our (sexist, patriarchal) society, women generally do most of the child rearing, EOW/1NAW is the default, and that might be what women are expecting if they meet a bloke with kids from a dating site. And that if they find out that instead, he has his child/children half the time, that this would be "too much?" Or even, they might thing that it's a strange thing to mention on a profile even if they didn't have a problem with it per se? Or they'd just be worried that I'm looking for someone to do the parenting so I don't have to. (For reference, I'm not one of those scumbag blokes who only wants 50/50 so that he can get out of paying maintenance, and then palms the kids off on his mum).

Anyhow, I'm thinking that I don't want any instant red-flags on my profile that would cause someone to "swipe left" without considering me.

Would it be unreasonable (and / or advisable) for me to just say that I have a daughter and leave it at that?

Not unreasonable: don't say you have 50/50 on your profile, because women might see that as weird or off-putting. Mention it later, if / when things develop.

Unreasonable: do say that you have 50/50, it's being honest and you should be proud of it, and women appreciate that.

Why does it require that amount of sugar shovelling though? For the right woman, which is what he's after, it won't really be an issue. I would find that wording so off-putting and it would raise my hackles. Possibly because it sounds a bit like a prepared defence.

For me (granted I wasn't looking for a partner with kids but that may have changed), it would simple data at the OLD profile stage. Same as ages, location and job.

As in how many, rough ages and I'd have assumed some degree of custody but fine to include it to make clear availability. I will make my own mind up whether you seem a loving father and available for a relationship and whatever else is being painted. Just like it's extraneous to write 'GSOH' as people will decide themselves.

Oh and don't knock the Warhammer bros! I've met some amazing ones with fab jobs and lives who've done it as a hobby!

I think you sound lovely, I wouldn't necessarily mention the exact custody arrangement but might say something about how much your children mean to you and that you have them often.

Just seen your age filters too -that's refreshing as I think most guys put about 20 years younger and cut off lower than their own age. Great you're not doing that but maybe you should open them up a bit to hit others at same stage of life as you, there'd be plenty of single mums with pre teens and teens about 40+ who'd be well used to 55 year olds showing interest on their online profiles so it think you should adjust your age settings too

I would mention 50/50! I met my soon to be husband online & I appreciated how involved he was with his kids. I would hate to see my child/step kids every other weekend. We have 50/50 too.

I'm self-diagnosed autistic, massive over sharer & very chatty. I'm not everyone's cup of tea. The people who don't like my honest, talkative approach are not the right people for me. I would keep going as is, be yourself & you will find a good match 😁

I personally wouldn't mention the specific age of your daughter, I think for safe guarding I wouldn't share too much info of my kid for everyone to see. You could say you have your child 50/50 so there's no confusion re lifestyle?

I'm about your age and also a 50/50 parent. I think 50/50 is much more normal now, so I don't think it needs explicitly explaining. I would be very put off by a dad who only sees his child every other weekend under duress, but I think whether or not you're one of those can easily be established over a cup of tea. Tbh, I'm not sure most men would advertise their credentials as a deadbeat dad anyway, so I'd rather ask you about your daughter and see what vibe I got when you talk about her than rely on self-reported facts.

Given your age, it's true that people might expect your daughter to be an adult/YA, but equally I think if you specified both your age and hers, I would also wonder whether your relationship with her mother was e.g. your third marriage or something. So I think you can't entirely control how people react to even very basic information. On balance I would say keep it simple, let people know you're a committed dad to a [teenage, once she is] daughter, and save the more detailed biographical data for the first conversation. Women, as someone said upthread, have other reasons for being tightlipped about their kids.

Good luck with it all. I'm also autistic and think I'd rather die than do OLD. I do know people who have met lovely partners but just thinking about the whole idea of matches and dates and telling an abbreviated version of your life story over and over again makes me want to weep, so well done you.

I was going to say it's fine and leave it in as you'll only put off women who'd not be right for you anyway. Then I thought back to my dating days and reading through loads of profiles and going on lots of dates and changed my mind.

I'd say better to just keep the profile short, light and upbeat. I would have been totally happy with a man who had a 50/50 residence of DC when I was dating but did find it off-putting if men explained anything really heavily in their profiles. It can come across somewhat combative or defensive (I can't quite find the right word!) like it could be something that was referred to in future if there were any issues. I'd just tick the "do you have children?" box, the rest can be chatted about later on casually rather than stated up front.

That's it exactly. I'm not asking if it's a red flag to have 50/50 custody, but if it's a red flag to make a point of mentioning it in what's supposed to be a short, light, and upbeat profile.

Equally, I can see that it could appear manipulative to not mention it when you've previously thought of mentioning it, but then isn't this whole thing all a bit artificial? I mean, I haven't selected photos that show me looking ugly, I've tried to pick ones where I look nice. They're genuine, all within a year or two, but I've picked ones where I'd like to think I came out looking good. And in my profile, I want to be honest, but want to try and give the impression that I'm a good, kind, interesting person.

I wouldn’t mention your family at all in your dating profile.

I see it as a privilege and only if I decide that you’re not a walloper will I actually tell you anything about my life.

I wasn’t interested in men with kids, but if it was an outstanding person who I really liked then I’d consider it.

It would be a good long time in the ‘getting to know you’ stage before your kids are ever on the scene anyway.

Not everything is black and white.

I think as you say, we all know that people are putting their best foot forward. I think the 50/50 custody is just not a "need to know" thing at the reading profile point so it feels very slightly off having it in. Having said all of this, having it in or not wouldn't put me off if I liked everything else so I honestly wouldn't stress too much. Good luck!

Just don’t ’embellish’ your height! So many men do this.

But... how do they expect to keep the pretence going? Just not meet in person??

Or knock 5 years off your age - I’ve had that as well as shorter than advertised

They just want to get through the initial height filters. Once they’ve secured a date then they hope you either won’t notice or will be too polite to say anything.

Just be honest. It's better in the long run. If some woman don't recognise a guy that has an active role in his children's life being a positive attribute then you are probably better off without those woman.

I would lower your age range slightly, so 45 to 60 or whatever. There may well be mid-forties women with similar age children who are interested, probably more so than women 50 plus who are 99% out of small child rearing and probably not at all keen to go back to that.

My red flag about age is when the man's age range is significantly younger and out of their own age range. So a 60 year old man that puts 40-55. I never ever swipe on them. If they don't want to date their own age, they are not for me.

The thing is that everyone says tell the truth, but if you tell the truth about height, women will discount perfectly nice and not that short men, so I see why they exaggerate. I exaggerate that I'm 'normal' when I'm slightly overweight for the same reason, almost no men put 'overweight' whereas in real life I've found men are interested in seeing me again and don't appear horrified on dates, quite the opposite.

You've got good advice and sound lovely, but don't overthink and I agree with your assessment of the situation, trying out real life situations too is a good idea, not all eggs in one basket.

I met a man who told me he was 5’11 and when he arrived he was about 5’8/5’9 and yet he still argued with me he was 5’11 and I must be taller than I thought 🤦‍♀️

@TwistedWonder that's quite funny. Kind of like gaslighting you about your own height!

Better a liar than a short arse? God, what are they thinking? It doesn't say much for how they view women either. So glad I'm out of all this dating awfulness.

Id say your pictures will be the most important thing. Online dating success is vastly based on how you look.

Absolutely no need for this comment

But the life stage you're at is you have a secondary age child. You might have more success finding women at that life stage in the 40-50 cohort, that's all.

Agree with this. Even as an older parent myself - I was 37 when I had DS - I’m now at stage where he’s 20 and couldn’t ever go back to having to revolve my life around school holidays/childcare schedules etc
i think a lot of women with older teens/young adults would feel the same. We’ve done our time

Jesus Christ. I assume everyone else has had a go at you as well, but this is just despicable.

I met my husband thru a introduction agency (not online). He stated he had two kids and their ages. He did not mention the custody arrangements, which were then every other weekend and some weeks over the holidays.
However this all changed once we married. His eldest moved in full time, and his younger brother did four years later (eldest had moved out). So I got the benefit of two boys through most of their teens! Plus our much younger kids. But that's how it is - what is now may not be in the future and your potential partner just has to realise this.
You having kids will be a non starter for many. But they aren't for you anyway so it doesn't matter. You can't change the fact you have a kid.. You want someone who will more than just tolerate the situation but embrace it. Just mention you have one and enjoy spending time with them.
Do not mention the autistic diagnosis. If you've only recently had this then surely you are very high functioning? I know adults who are autistic and you'd never know - sure they may be very good at masking but I do think it's not something that needs to be mentioned right off - you don't meet knew people and say 'hi I'm Jim nice to meet you I'm autistic'. It's such a broad spectrum and no one will know what to expect so that in itself may put people off. Let them get to know you and if it develops the time will come.

Autism is not something to be hidden, or ashamed of. Many autistic people (myself included) would actively prefer to be with someone neurodiverse, as we find neurotypical people baffling, duplicitous and frequently dull. As I said upthread, the quality of my matches markedly improved when I mentioned my autism on my profile.