To not mention I have 50/50 custody on my dating profile

[WillVioletsDad]

Hi all. I'm a bloke, but posting here because I'd appreciate a female perspective. I fear the below might read like engagement bait, but it's genuinely the dilemma I have, and I would like to know what people think.

I'm separated (nearly three years now, divorce imminent) with a very good relationship with my ex-wife. We share 50/50 custody of my daughter.

In my profile on dating sites I mention that I have 50/50 custody, because I was thinking that it's good to be up front, and I (perhaps naively) thought that women might read that and think that I'm a good dad.

But I'm now thinking I should remove that, because I'm scared it might be a "red flag".

I remember a thread on here by a woman who was unhappy that her husband wanted to go from having his (not her's) kids every other weekend and one evening a week to 50/50 custody (he wanted to see them more). She was unhappy with this, basically saying that she hadn't anticipated his children being a significant part of their lives when she married him. (She wanted him, not the kids).

I particularly remember one comment from a woman who'd said that when her step-children were kids, her and her husband had had them to stay every other weekend and one evening a week and that this "was enough".

(It wouldn't be enough for me. I would miss my daughter terribly.)

But I'm thinking maybe that because in our (sexist, patriarchal) society, women generally do most of the child rearing, EOW/1NAW is the default, and that might be what women are expecting if they meet a bloke with kids from a dating site. And that if they find out that instead, he has his child/children half the time, that this would be "too much?" Or even, they might thing that it's a strange thing to mention on a profile even if they didn't have a problem with it per se? Or they'd just be worried that I'm looking for someone to do the parenting so I don't have to. (For reference, I'm not one of those scumbag blokes who only wants 50/50 so that he can get out of paying maintenance, and then palms the kids off on his mum).

Anyhow, I'm thinking that I don't want any instant red-flags on my profile that would cause someone to "swipe left" without considering me.

Would it be unreasonable (and / or advisable) for me to just say that I have a daughter and leave it at that?

Not unreasonable: don't say you have 50/50 on your profile, because women might see that as weird or off-putting. Mention it later, if / when things develop.

Unreasonable: do say that you have 50/50, it's being honest and you should be proud of it, and women appreciate that.

@WillVioletsDad
If I'm honest, I think you're probably putting a little too much in to your profile.
Both my husband and I had about 20 words on ours, and had been at it a long time with varying lengths of profiles.

Especially on the swipe apps, people aren't looking to read a lot. I probably clicked on about 20% of people I swiped on, and would definitely click off if it was long.
In the early days, it's a numbers game, and I found the best strategy was match, see who made the effort to message/respond, exchange a few messages to garner the key details/red flags, book a short coffee date for the next day or so.
Else you can waste so much time reading profiles of people you won't even match with or exchange messages with.

I definitely wasted a lot of times in the early days, but once I switched to treating it as a meeting point - similar to glancing across the bar - and accepted the actual getting to know somebody would happen over coffee, I enjoyed dating a lot more and had a lot more time for life outside of it! I also met a lot of fabulous people who would never be romantic suitors but made great friends!

Late diagnosis here too.😀

I'd have thought if he just wanted to get laid the fact he has a daughter would be completely irrelevant because the person or persons he was shagging wouldn't be enough of a part of his life to ever meet her.

OP, I did a lot of online dating before I met DH and I think being upfront that you are a Dad is the best approach, but in terms of how much she's with you that's a conversation to have a bit further down the road from the initial match.

Fellow autistic here.

I found that the compatibility of my matches increased a lot when I mentioned my autism on my profile (further down the bio mind you, it was an answer to one of the questions, if you know Bumble). I attracted more ND men, and there was less sitting across the table from someone looking at me as if I had 2 heads 🙄.

In the year after changing my profile I met several really interesting men who I sadly didn't fancy, and now I'm dating someone who I do! (who is exploring the possibility that he might also be autistic now!)

Honesty is the best policy. I would not be put off by the statement that you have a DD and wish to be a good father to her.

I think it is important to let people know you are a father - I don't think is necessary to state you are a 50/50 parent but equally I don't think it does any harm. It weeds out anyone who doesn't want to date someone with children.

Personally as a woman of a similar age I wouldn’t date a man with school
age kids so it’s something I’d like to be aware of early on.

I don’t think you need to put that much detail on your profile but you need to bring it up very early in chats, definitely before arranging to meet imo

Being a co-parent = not a red flag
Still married= red flag

It's actually the opposite of a red flag.

You want people to swipe left who can't accept you're a father and that will always be your priority. You need rid of these women because they aren't in your daughters best interests.

Yeah, I can see that's a fair point. We have been separated (and living in separate addresses) for nearly three years now. The divorce has just got delayed because we needed to disentangle our finances (we had to sell two houses, and then buy his and her houses) and now it's taking ages to get pension details out of our providers. Solicitors are all in place, initial paperwork has been put in. But it's just taking a while.

My ex-wife has been dating for about eighteen months now and has a boyfriend.

I was thinking it was time for me to try and move on.

As a question: did everyone who has divorced and moved on, on here, wait until the divorce was finalised before starting dating again? Am I being massively out of order here? (Should say, this was one of those things I would mention very early on in chats, but not put in my profile, because I did figure it would sound really bad).

Fgs, check your bitterness.

Why do we get such awful responses when men post for advice? The OP has written a very thoughtful post and asked for help, where does it say he just wants to get laid. Is he not allowed to want a new relationship? Jeez.

I would just mention that you have a daughter in your profile, then you can talk about custody arrangements once you meet someone you see potential with. I'm not sure most people would take the time to read a very detailed profile, so chances are they'd miss the part about 50/50 custody before swiping.

Such a cynical response.

If you’re 55, it’s worth pointing out the 50/50 because just saying you have a child will lead most people to assume it’s an older teen or adult. It’s not the norm for a 55yo to still have a child that needs looking after, so women will likely be taken by surprise if you later mention it.

There really isn’t any point maximising matches if they aren’t going to go further than chat or one date.

I don't think you need to put that level of detail on a dating profile. I think saying you have a child and the age is enough. I think being clear about what you want is more important.

I'm married but if I wasn't married I would happily date a man with children. However, I wouldn't want to live with anyone or take on parenting responsibilities. Someone having 50:50 wouldn't bother me. It would just limit the amount of time we could spend together. Different people want different things.

How about “loving and committed Dad to primary school aged daughter”. At least you are vastly less likely to run into paedophiles seeking out single parents than mums on OLD.

Eugh well you're a delight. At no point did he say that.

@WillVioletsDad

'Sorry, it's ridiculous for me to believe that we live in a sexist society?

Surely, there's evidence of sexism everywhere, in how women get lumbered with childcare, get paid less than men for doing the same job, are victims of sexual assault (in a society that teaches girls how not to get raped but doesn't teach boys not to be rapists) etc etc?'

😂😂😂😂😂

If you genuinely believe that utter, utter nonsense than I feel sorry for you and I conclude that you will not be successful in saying unless some god awful extreme feminist takes pity on you!

Having your DC with you 50% of the time is very important to you so surely you wouldn’t be happy not mentioning it? You may have far fewer responses but the ones you do have won’t be put off by your honest and decent situation.

If you have tried being honest and have received no responses then I suppose you feel you might have more OLD chances by omitting your important information and hooking somebody in, only to reveal it later down the line when it becomes a dilemma.

It depends what you want from dating really doesn’t it.
IMO, leaving out the important info at the beginning won’t lead to a serious relationship but may lead to a few brief affairs or ONS’s. Is that what you are looking for?

I’d prefer to know the real situation from the onset.

Just be upfront you have children. You don’t have to discuss the minutiae of care until you’re conversing but I’d imagine most women would assume that if you put you have kids that you’d be doing some care. In my view, it might deter women who don’t have children because they may only be looking for people without kids but at least they know upfront. Honesty is a good quality-the worse thing you can do with OLD is to be evasive or fib about things which will easily be found out. I met my DH old , we knew we both had children from the get go although we didn’t live together until the kids were young adults.

you can’t win on here, you have your child eow you are a deadbeat that barely sees them, you have 50/50 you are just doing it for the maintenance and you are wrong for “taking” the child away from their mothers (seen both on here often) i don’t think you need to mention anything i have my kids full time but wouldn’t mention it on a dating profile.

Just BE YOU! You’ve got children

Think you're in the minority in thinking we don't live in a sexist world. Burying your head in the sand doesn't change that.

I think you sound lovely, kind and honest. A devoted dad and clearly if your ex helped read over your profile you were not a terrible husband! I personally would appreciate honesty it’s the most important thing for me. I also believe that at your age it’s very difficult to fond someone who doesn’t have children/an ex wife etc because that’s life! Personally I would take out the 50/50 but state you have a daughter you adore. Then on first date I’m sure they will ask how often do you see your dd?
Good luck with it, my best friend and cousin both met their husbands through online dating so once you weed through it is worth it!

I think being upfront is the way to go. I suspect the issue is the age of your daughter - most people at your age are either past the young kids stage and don't want to start again, or never wanted kids in the first place. But that is just all the more reason to be up front - for the right person it will be a big tick.