To not mention I have 50/50 custody on my dating profile

[WillVioletsDad]

Hi all. I'm a bloke, but posting here because I'd appreciate a female perspective. I fear the below might read like engagement bait, but it's genuinely the dilemma I have, and I would like to know what people think.

I'm separated (nearly three years now, divorce imminent) with a very good relationship with my ex-wife. We share 50/50 custody of my daughter.

In my profile on dating sites I mention that I have 50/50 custody, because I was thinking that it's good to be up front, and I (perhaps naively) thought that women might read that and think that I'm a good dad.

But I'm now thinking I should remove that, because I'm scared it might be a "red flag".

I remember a thread on here by a woman who was unhappy that her husband wanted to go from having his (not her's) kids every other weekend and one evening a week to 50/50 custody (he wanted to see them more). She was unhappy with this, basically saying that she hadn't anticipated his children being a significant part of their lives when she married him. (She wanted him, not the kids).

I particularly remember one comment from a woman who'd said that when her step-children were kids, her and her husband had had them to stay every other weekend and one evening a week and that this "was enough".

(It wouldn't be enough for me. I would miss my daughter terribly.)

But I'm thinking maybe that because in our (sexist, patriarchal) society, women generally do most of the child rearing, EOW/1NAW is the default, and that might be what women are expecting if they meet a bloke with kids from a dating site. And that if they find out that instead, he has his child/children half the time, that this would be "too much?" Or even, they might thing that it's a strange thing to mention on a profile even if they didn't have a problem with it per se? Or they'd just be worried that I'm looking for someone to do the parenting so I don't have to. (For reference, I'm not one of those scumbag blokes who only wants 50/50 so that he can get out of paying maintenance, and then palms the kids off on his mum).

Anyhow, I'm thinking that I don't want any instant red-flags on my profile that would cause someone to "swipe left" without considering me.

Would it be unreasonable (and / or advisable) for me to just say that I have a daughter and leave it at that?

Not unreasonable: don't say you have 50/50 on your profile, because women might see that as weird or off-putting. Mention it later, if / when things develop.

Unreasonable: do say that you have 50/50, it's being honest and you should be proud of it, and women appreciate that.

Of COURSE YABU. If you're just out for a few shags with a few women, then no need to mention 50% custody of your children. But if you are looking for a relationship, then you need to mention the fact you have 50% access to your children FFS!

I am not looking for a man (have been happily married nearly 30 years,) but if I was, I would not be interested in a man who has children - under 21.

I'd mention it in any initial phone calls or even text chats. But do I need to mention it in my profile, which is more like a "shop window"?

Most of the women I'm looking at just have a few vaguely aspirational statements in their profile. (Which I find frustrating. I'm into writing and would much prefer something more detailed, that gives me more of an insight into who they are).

I think be honest in your profile. I actually decided to meet my ex based on him having 50/50 and my kids dad was so uninvolved I wanted a good father. He then messed me about loads because his ex swapped days/his kids were sick and that decided me he put his kids first so I respected him. It was also a good primer for when we got to living together because if you don't know it's coming having step kids there half the time would be a massive deal breaker for many women

I was going to say something like this. I agree with the person who said to include women aged 45 and older.

It’s more polite to be upfront. At one point there were a bunch of threads in relationships from women dating men who hadn’t been upfront about how many children they had, how old they were, how much time they had them etc. They got responses to say “Well, you knew what you were getting into” but, really, they didn’t.

I’ve only skim read this, but OP you sound gorgeous and a really lovely person and a real catch for someone.

I haven’t done online dating but if I were in that position to do it, I would want people to be honest about their age and their children etc.

You saying the stuff about the patriarchy and sexism only makes you even more attractive to me, so I have no idea what the PP is on about with the comments about this being a no-no.

And your life set up matches mine as I have my kids 50/50 too so I would be interested in you if you said this.

I wish you all the best with finding a new partner. I like a PP’s idea of looking for someone based on shared hobbies and interests rather than OLD, although my ex-H is very settled and happy with a lovely woman he met that way so you never know.

I think the important part to have on your profile is that you are a Dad. I think details of what arrangements are in place for your child are not necessary and can be discussed further down the line if you find someone you are interested in.

Yeah, although I think what is becoming clear here is that I probably should make it clear that I'm the dad of a child not the dad of an adult.

You know what? I'd like to actually see what you've got as your bio because you sound like an absolute peach and someone would be very lucky to have you. Perhaps you don't need to change anything about it?

It's not good or bad in terms of a value judgement on you. Just be honest and women who are happy to date a father of school age kids will be in touch. Those who aren't (I wasn't), will really appreciate you for your honesty.

I agree its a good shout to make clear they're children not adult kids as in your 50s they could run the gamut from babies to grandparents themselves at a push which may well make a difference to some women.

Jut st say it very plainly for information 'dad of two secondary/ primary schoolers 50/50 ', no need to say they're your priority, life's worth etc etc. that's implicit and comes across brittle.

We do exist by the way! I met my fiancé on OLD and he is the father of a 10 year old. Just keep going.

I would love to meet a man like you OP. I have young children and would absolutely want to know custody arrangements. So I'd be asking before we even met up if I didn't want to be a weekly step mum. Otherwise I'd be asking on the first date.

Better to be upfront if you want a relationship, say active dad to a primary age child if you don't want to put exact details. I'm your age category and I don't want to date anyone with children under 16 (ish) so best to be upfront. My kids are older and relatively independent so I'm looking for something similar.

And should have said, he is 53 and I am 48.

I think you should just be upfront with important information and stop trying to second guess yourself so much. Be yourself. Info dump if you want. Either a woman will be into that or she won’t be. I’m happily married but I think you sound lovely and I wish you all the best.

Best to be up front and tell the truth to prevent heart ache further down the line

Don't worry, lots of women will love the fact that you're conscious of this kind of thing.

(I may have included a reference to "overthrowing the patriarchy" in my bio to pre- sort the sheep from the goats)

I think I would take it off the profile but be open about having children during initial chats, for me personally I like that you've got 50/50 and a good relationship with your ex because it reassures me that your not as crazy as some men out there

I'm 50, have a 11 year old and a young teen, with 5050 custody, so we do exist on dating apps🤣

I was open to someone who had a similar custody arrangement, and I would have discounted someone with kids because they wouldn't have understood the commitment that children involve.

There will be someone out there who will understand your situation, although the challenge you then face is making sure your childcare patterns are in sync.

Consider what you want and go based on that. It doesn't hurt to have it but I wouldn't be turned on by it thinking wow what a good bloke. I'd possibly wonder whether you'd put it online as a hook but it wouldn't put me off a quick chat and a date.

Tbf though, at 55, all I'd be looking for is dates and company. I'd not be looking to move in with another man. As far as kids go, if be happy to be dads girlfriend to adult kids, not stepmum to littles or teens.

So yeah, maybe put it in your bio or go for coffee early on and be upfront.

Given the further details of your daughter's age, I would add something like "Proud parent of a near- teenager 😱", and maybe lower your minimum age to 45, to potentially include more women who are at a similar life stage to you.

I’m probably not best placed to answer as online dating isn’t for me but if it was, I would see putting 50/50 as a good thing & would think it shows good morals & that you’re a good dad so this wouldn’t put me off in the slightest!

Good luck op in whatever you decide!

That's horribly sexist and unfair. He didn't say that at all. There's always a slew of women on here asking for advice in how to have a relationship when they've got children - go and ask them why it's so important for them to, "get laid"...Oh, no of course I forgot, they are women and in so many of the female posters in here wonen can do no wrong...

Oh yeah. "My little one is my world". On every other weekend that is 🤮

Hi all.

Thanks very much for the replies. It's been very helpful. I'm thinking the following.

1. My profile should be a shop window, not a full inventory of who I am. I don't want to info dump. My profile doesn't need to contain full details of my custody arrangements.
2. But, I very much should mention not only that I have a daughter, but that she's 12, because at my age, people would otherwise assume that any children I might have are grown up. And that's probably the thing that for a lot of women my age will, not unreasonably, be a deal-breaker. They're done with child-rearing and are looking for someone to spend their retirement with. (Basically, I need to be honest that we're talking about being a step-mum here, not being a step-grandma).
3. Obviously, if things do progress to text chats and / or phone calls, I can't imagine that we wouldn't end up discussing kids, family etc, and so of course I would mention the whole 50/50 custody thing. No point getting to the meeting up for coffee stage if that's going to be a deal-breaker.
4. Online dating might not be for me. I think there's no harm leaving my profiles up, and if someone does click like, then I can like back and we can get to chatting. But in the meantime, I probably need to be just trying to get out and meet people in the real-world, picking activities that are in my niche / on my wavelength.

Are you looking for a casual 'date's or a relationship? If you want an actual functional and successful relationship then anything that weeds out the non viable candidates is just timesaving. Why waste time with someone who wouldn't want you to be an active father?
Aim for quality over quantity. You don't need to date dozens of women, you need to find the right one.