To not mention I have 50/50 custody on my dating profile

[WillVioletsDad]

Hi all. I'm a bloke, but posting here because I'd appreciate a female perspective. I fear the below might read like engagement bait, but it's genuinely the dilemma I have, and I would like to know what people think.

I'm separated (nearly three years now, divorce imminent) with a very good relationship with my ex-wife. We share 50/50 custody of my daughter.

In my profile on dating sites I mention that I have 50/50 custody, because I was thinking that it's good to be up front, and I (perhaps naively) thought that women might read that and think that I'm a good dad.

But I'm now thinking I should remove that, because I'm scared it might be a "red flag".

I remember a thread on here by a woman who was unhappy that her husband wanted to go from having his (not her's) kids every other weekend and one evening a week to 50/50 custody (he wanted to see them more). She was unhappy with this, basically saying that she hadn't anticipated his children being a significant part of their lives when she married him. (She wanted him, not the kids).

I particularly remember one comment from a woman who'd said that when her step-children were kids, her and her husband had had them to stay every other weekend and one evening a week and that this "was enough".

(It wouldn't be enough for me. I would miss my daughter terribly.)

But I'm thinking maybe that because in our (sexist, patriarchal) society, women generally do most of the child rearing, EOW/1NAW is the default, and that might be what women are expecting if they meet a bloke with kids from a dating site. And that if they find out that instead, he has his child/children half the time, that this would be "too much?" Or even, they might thing that it's a strange thing to mention on a profile even if they didn't have a problem with it per se? Or they'd just be worried that I'm looking for someone to do the parenting so I don't have to. (For reference, I'm not one of those scumbag blokes who only wants 50/50 so that he can get out of paying maintenance, and then palms the kids off on his mum).

Anyhow, I'm thinking that I don't want any instant red-flags on my profile that would cause someone to "swipe left" without considering me.

Would it be unreasonable (and / or advisable) for me to just say that I have a daughter and leave it at that?

Not unreasonable: don't say you have 50/50 on your profile, because women might see that as weird or off-putting. Mention it later, if / when things develop.

Unreasonable: do say that you have 50/50, it's being honest and you should be proud of it, and women appreciate that.

Really savage. If a woman asked you’d be fine with it.

No, I'm figuring this is all stuff that would come out the first time we have a serious chat on the phone, before meeting up. I'm not looking for hookups.

But yeah, I am currently getting no responses, so I'm getting paranoid that the fact that I've said it is a red flag (even if it's the info-dump nature of mentioning it that's the red flag, rather than the thing in itself).

Always be honest. Any woman put off by it isn’t right for you anyway.

You're nearly old enough to be my dad! but I'd appreciate the upfront honesty personally

For me it's your age with school age children that's off putting. I would want/expect an older mans children to no longer be dependent on him.

I'm in a relationship with someone who has his kids 50/ 50. It does make things go a lot more difficult than if he has them every other weekend. He is the default parent so sometimes the mum doesn't turn up which really upsets the kids and then we have to cancel plans if we had made plans. So a lot of people wouldn't want that (just as I'm sure a lot of people wouldn't want to date me as a single parent of a 15 year old who is with me nearly all of the time.) so you may as well be honest from day 1 then if they don't want that they don't need to message you.
I was prepared for the 50/50 but not how disinterested the mum is as it's actually more like 65/35. That would be fine but it's last minute changes so it makes it difficult to plan things and it upsets the kids when their mum doesn't turn up so that's sad to see.

Yeah, I'm thinking that might also be a problem. I've set my filters to ages 50 to 60, so maybe the reason why none of them mention anything similar is because if they have kids, they've all grown up and left home.

They're looking to become a step-grandma, not a step-mum. :(

Thing is my ex-wife and I didn't meet until I was 36 and she was 35, and after a lot of difficulties, our daughter arrived as a bit of a miracle baby when I was 43 and my ex-wife was 42.

It was a bit depressing when we went to the introduction day thing at our daughter's secondary school, and the headmaster said "Back in my day, GCSEs had grades A to E" and I was thinking, "I didn't do GCSEs, I did O'Levels... shit I'm older than the headmaster." :)

If I was single I wouldn't consider someone with children as I am childfree by choice and it just wouldn't work for me. Others may consider it but have a flat no to someone with 50/50 as it would cut down on time you could spend together since they shouldn't meet them too soon. So I think you should be upfront to prevent wasting either of your time.

A man with dc wouldn't be my preference, but I'd think more of you for doing 50:50 than EOW so you'd go up in my estimation. How old is your dc?

I notice that you're 55. If I was similar age, then your age with a young child/ primary age child would put me off more than actually having a dc, as I'd be thinking of slowing down and wouldn't want to be with someone who was still raising a young child.

Women don't need to write on their profiles that they have 50/50 custody or even custody as it is just assumed that they will already have custody.

If you have a women over the age of 40 is on a dating site, you can generally expect her to have children. You can also generally expect her to have more than 50/50 custody of those children.

Just seen your update, maybe put your age preference a bit lower, like 45. You may match with a woman who is younger who would be happier to be with someone raising a child.

@WillVioletsDad women have learned the hard way not to really mention much about our dc in dating profiles because of the large amount of pedophiles who will specifically target women with children to get access to their children and their children's friends.
Women are generally not a risk to children in the way men are, and because of this, it's an unfortunate fact that women have to deal with, but on average, men don't.
So it's safe for a man to say he has 50/50 care of his dc and allows both parties to see from the start if they are compatible, rather than waste time with someone who is looking for something different

Agree with this. I do think most women in your age range will be past school age kids and be enjoying not having to revolve their life around childcare.

Ill be honest my DS is 20 and I’ve loved the last few years where I don’t have to go on holiday in August and plan nights out around him being with his dad.

Hes still with me part time but I don’t have to worry about him when I’m out - he’s perfectly happy with a Deliveroo or using the air fryer 🤣

I've starting seeing someone and honestly the fact he has his kids 50/50 is something I found attractive about him. Anyone who is swiping left based on that information isn't compatible with you, so what's the point in rewording it for them to give you a chance, for it enivitably to end up going the same way, except both of you have now wasted time on each other and possibly created tension re timetabling dates etc

I don’t mention I have kids on my dating profile. Once conversation is initiated I will put it out there.

It doesn’t bother me if a man has kids, if anything it usually means they already understand coparenting and how valuable child free time can be when your overwhelmed therefore not likely to waste it!

This is harsh.

OP - I think you should keep it.

If it puts people off then that's a good thing. If you're looking for a long term relationship then you will only get the people who are comfortable with this.

She's 12. (In her second year of secondary school, year 8).

I met my fiancé on OLD. He was clear he had three children and lived with one on his initial profile, although I didn't know which one. On discussion the child he lived with was his older son in his twenties. I thought it was very lovely that his older child chose to live with him. I wouldn't be put off with 50/50 although i dont think you need to put it on your profile. That should come out in early discussions. If you are dating anyone with a child you know that they need to spend time with them and if you don't want that, you don't date them. Whether its 20% (which would put me off FYI) or 100%. You will have a narrower pool as you have children, but that's just the way it is. I love my Fiancé's children (25, 24, 10) but I was always open to a man with children.

That's a very good point, one that I hadn't thought of, and one that I'm a bit ashamed not to have thought of. :(

Fgs just say you have kids and let the details follow in conversation. They don't need to know the ins and outs before they go for a drink with you

45 seems a bit young for me, and a bit unfair, especially given that women live longer than men. I'd be worried that there might come a situation where I'm an old man but she's still relatively young. I just feel more comfortable with someone who's at a similar stage in life to me.

As a question: did everyone who has divorced and moved on, on here, wait until the divorce was finalised before starting dating again? Am I being massively out of order here? (Should say, this was one of those things I would mention very early on in chats, but not put in my profile, because I did figure it would sound really bad) Three years is plenty. If someone asks you, say you were married but split up three years ago. No need to say you're still sorting the divorce on the first date, when you do introduce do it as you did here - youre still tidying up the financial arrangement and can't finalise the divorce until that's done.

I agree 45+ if I was looking I’d be looking for someone 5+ older than me. Also more likely to have woman with children of a similar age so more understanding of your situation.

When i was doing OLD (a few years ago. Decided to stay single now) I started automatically saying no to men who had 'have a child' on their profile, or even worse, claimed to be a single dad. But that's because every single one of them that i did chat to then cheerfully admitted that they had their child 1 day per week, the occasional weekend. Oh and "it's OK if we want to go on a date, my ex can keep them" Or that the kids could come along on our 1st date... ummmm. Nope.

So, unfortunately, I'd assume you were the same unless you said you were a dad with 50/50 care.

I have always been of the honesty is the best policy type of mindset. I think it’s wonderful that you are so devoted to your daughter and are prioritising her whilst still being honest and upfront with people that you meet. Too many times you read how people get into new relationships and they forget or don’t prioritise their children. From what you’ve written you seem like a genuinely very nice person and nice people deserve to be happy so I wish you the very best of luck.