DH and toilet habits

[Baabaasheeps]

Every morning my DH sets an alarm for 6am as he has an hour commute to work.

He often gets up then but will spend up to an hour on the toilet. I’m pretty sure he’s watching videos or reading nonsense in there.

Then he will start getting ready etc meaning he doesn’t get into work until late, this means he works late and never gets home before 8pm. We have a baby and a toddler and he’s never back for bedtime and also never helps in the morning as he’s on the toilet!

AIBU to tell him a few home truths? He’s always complaining he is late for work and ‘doesn’t know where the morning goes’.

Gets up at 6am to fanny about for 4 hours before stating his actual work?
He's deliberately avoiding being a parent and a decent partner to you.
Of course tell him he's being a prick and to get involved with his family or fuck off.

Set his alarm for 5am

Flippant remarks aside, your DH has literally told you he'd rather sit in the toilet for hours than help you or spend time with you and the kids.

Exactly this.

And there it is. He told you that he’s entitled to his free time because you are home all day. In his mind he probably thinks that you spend your days just relaxing, snoozing, going out for lunch, getting your hair done etc etc, because obviously the children are looking after them selves, and the never ending cooking and cleaning, and life admin gets done, magically, all by it’s self. Meanwhile, he sees himself working really hard like, slaving away at office desk. OP, your husband does not see you, and he doesn’t appreciate you and every thing that you do. He doesn’t want to parent his children and he’s treating you like a servant.

Start exercising in the morning. Find a class or go for a walk. Whatever it is, make it so that you're out of the house for a significant chunk of his toilet time, so at least you're making use of that time... and if the kids need help then oh dear, he'll have to wipe his arse and get off the loo.

You can't do that because it'll make him late? What, later than his one-hour shit? Well, if he doesn't get home til 9, at least you got some time to yourself and some exercise in the morning and it's no less helpful than him getting home at 8.

Or you can't do that because the kids need you? They just need one responsible adult to be at home, not two. If he says they do need two, then why is he taking himself out of the equation for an hour extra a day? If 'they only want mum' then they need^^ their mum to be at 100% so you need to have time for yourself/to exercise, so that's either before he goes to work or he gets home early enough for you to go out then. Most exercise classes seem to be on around 6-7pm...

The only thing I can think of is you get up at the same time as him and take yourself off to the gym or for a run while he is still home. Be very clear about it both verbally and by text after you have your shoes on but before sprinting to the door.
Unless he is someone who cannot be trusted to take care of your kids (and your decision on this should inform your follow up) he will have to have daddy time with them till you get home.
Make sure to be home in time for him to get to work by the time he usually does.

Not saying its an easy choice, but logically it moves the issue forward. Anything he says about not being able to get ready whilst caring for his kids is something you can use when he suggests that you can.
I hope you find a route through.

ahhh I did rtft, but TravelingJack got there while I was typing.
Must be not a terrible idea then. 😁

I would do exactly as suggested. Set your own alarm and get out of the house to exercise first thing. He can leave when you return.

All these suggestions aren't going to work. You can't "manage" someone into wanting to be a true partner. He will ultimately end up resenting you. You will also resent him because you're having to "make" him parent. The only thing I can think of that might make a difference is couple's counselling and him understanding it's shape up or ship out.

What was he like when you went back to work after your first child? Was there an equal split of childcare and cooking/cleaning etc?

It's sad that he would rather spend an hour on the toilet each morning rather than getting home earlier to spend some time with his children. Him saying that you're at home all day so should be doing everything makes it sound as though you are living the life of Riley with loads of free time.

He sounds like a bit of a prick to be honest.

Maybe things have changed, but how long is the wait for couples counselling, or how expensive?
Is it available outside the workday?
Who will look after the kids during counselling sessions and travelling to/from?
If you manage all that, on average, how many truly terrible or simply incompatible counsellors will you both have to do all these things for before you find one that helps both give up and admit that was enormously costly by every metric (money time emotion favours) and will forever be remembered as your suggestion.

Sadly I am not spouting out of my ignorant arse here.

I would be saying "so you don't want to parent? Cool. Ok we need to start plans for separating then and sorting if you want contact with the children"

That might sound a bit harsh but I mean come on, you don't get to opt out of parenting. Does he actually want his children to like him and spend time with them etc etc?

If not you may as well get it sorted now. He might be horrified and shape up but....

Can you set your alarm for 5.55 and go spend an hour in the bathroom and see how he feels?

Of course he knows where his morning goes, it's all planned.

To be frank, OP, you are at work. You're doing child raising and, most likely, have become the family housekeeper.

You could remove the lock and send the kids in to Daddy and/ or remove his phone so he can't play with it.

Failing that, open the door and ask him what he's doing? If you're standing in front of him he's not going to be able to deny it. Then whisk it out of his hand. You could also change the alarm so he has to get off the throne PDQ. Or just be prepared to have a major Barney. Why should his definition of reasonable behaviour yours?

Instead of justifying yourself to him, let him justify himself to you. Joke about his childish behaviour at family gatherings. Ask advice from his mum. It's the truth isn't it?

My 16 year old DS does this, sometimes longer. He said he does it for a bit of peace. He has such a hard life 🤦 It drives me crazy beyond belief and he has his own toilet. So I have no idea how you can cope with your husband doing it when you have small children to deal with. He is totally taking the piss and this is entirely intentional to avoid the harder work of dealing with small children.

It's really bad to sit on the toilet for a long time. He will get piles.

Also it's grim - hovering over a poo, playing with his phone. I hope he is giving that phone a regular once over with an anti bacterial!

Take the lock off the door.

He doesn't do any parenting during the week? Please don't cook him dinner or wash his clothes. If he complains remind him he has an hour each morning to meal prep or put the slow cooker on and do his laundry. When he gets home start going out for half an hour for a nice long walk/run to start exercising again. At the weekend make sure you are having a child free hour each day at least. It's extremely sad and hurtful that he wants to go 5 days without spending even an hour with his children. I'd ask him why this is and if he's certain that he still wants to be part of a family unit! I'd be tempted to mention applying for an evening job just to wind him up to be honest. Or say I won't be available from 6.30 to 7.30pm to do bedtime on Wednesday and Friday because I will be meeting so and so at the gym or doing x hobby.

Do you have a dog @Baabaasheeps ? Set your alarm for 5.30am & do what you need to do in the bathroom. Then at 6am tell him you're walking the dog, don't worry I'll be back before you need to leave. And he obviously knows where the breakfast stuff for the kids is. Off you go for an hour's peace. Turn off your phone (oh dear, no signal at the park). Fresh air, happy dog & a nice free start to your day.

All it would do is tell the op she’s wise to it. It’s a very passive aggressive way of going about something when she could just tell him she knows what she’s up to rather than have him playing guessing games with why op has bought an alarm clock.

If it was me it wouldn’t make me realise that someone was wise to what I was up to. I’d just think they’d gone to the trouble of running about after me to buy an alarm clock because I’d think they probably thought I was genuinely in the toilet for a reason and maybe needed help with time keeping and that id feel like I’d got away with taking the absolute piss and could possibly play on my perceived ‘problem’ even more - that’s how I’d see it. i don’t understand people who don’t actually communicate stuff but go around passively aggressively trying to prove their point, which if the other person doesn’t cotton on then it won’t work anyway.

the first question of this post is deliberately goady and totally irrelevant. We definitely don’t need to know anything about op’s career history to know her husband is behaving terribly. Come on now. There’s many a working parent vs SAHP thread to read if you so wish. Zero relevance whatsoever!!

I remember reading a report where it was found that employers could significantly reduce the time their employees waste in loos by decorating them with garish colours. Bright red was suggested.

She's not a stay at home parent, she's on maternity leave and I was just asking whether her husband pulled his weight at home when OP was also working, i.e. has his behaviour changed? I'm not sure why that question was goady. It's obviously the husband who thinks that SAHPs, whether on maternity leave or not, have loads of time to themselves and should do all the home/childcare stuff 23/7, which is ridiculous and unfair on the OP.

“It’s his free time” - where’s your daily free time then?

I don't think any practical suggestion is going to solve the fundamental issue you have, which is that he doesn't see your unpaid work as important as his job, and he doesn't see your time as important as his time. No amount of hours you spend having a shit in return, or whether you set the alarm earlier, is going to change that. And perhaps I'm making assumptions, but you said that one of the things he watches while he gives himself piles is cycling videos. Does he also fuck off for long periods at the weekends and spend shit tonnes of money on a certain hobby?