Lost weight, now losing friends!

[Artistbythewater]

I have been over weight for many years. I decided about six months ago I have had enough.

I am now a size 10 and some of my friends have taken it very badly, and it has shocked me. I am now often quizzed, judged and I no longer feel like one of them. My feminist values have been questioned subtly, I am adhering to the patriarchy is the overall impression I am given. I have ‘given in’ or something like that.

I am furious. This is my body. I can be fit and well if I want to be. I spent an entire dinner party listening to friends telling me I should be proud whatever my size at the weekend. All the while looking slightly peeved.

I was pre diabetic with a host of health problems before, which was the main reason behind my decision. I feel fitter, more confident in myself. I can run, feel comfortable in clothes. It’s made such a difference to me personally.

We are not young - menopausal age. I thought I had better friends than this! Has anyone else experienced this?

Wtf? 🤨

😳 omg how rude and immature.

I have recently lost weight and I caught my Mum looking me up and down last week. It's hurtful and bizarre.

I knew a doctor who specialized in weight loss for morbidly obese patients, and he told me his initial consultation always included a discussion that if the patient's weight loss were successful his/her marriage was then most likely to fail, and the patient needed to know that. The relationship had been established with the patient being obese; when that changed, so did the relationship. He had several possible explanations about why it happened, but he was a pragmatist and said that the "why" may not have been as important as the fact that it did.
Something similar may be happening with OP's friends.

Jealousy. You are better now, they don't like you being better.

Wowww that's crazy! I presume that wouldn't be the case if the person used to be thin though? I was really thin when I met my husband but have gained loads of weight. I can't imagine us being more likely to split up if I lose that weight!

It doesnt surprise me at all.

Not saying that this happens in all cases but its what happened in mine.

Think about it logically. If a healthy weight person gets into a relationship with a morbidly obese person there is a power imbalance. The HP has more options available to them in most areas of life. They are not judged on their size as MOP is in such things as dating, job interviews, socialising etc. They are not as limited physically with work they can do, hobbies they can partake in, exercise they can take. The MOP is more like to have low self esteem and a lack of confidence so therefore is more likely to accept crumbs instead of proper treatment as they are just grateful someone loves them. (Ask me how I know).

To a person who is insecure and controlling, that is perfect. They need to be with someone who needs them more. They need to be top dog. HP uses MOP to make themselves feel less shit. But if MOP loses the weight and becomes healthier, happier, more self confident then they become the person with more options open to them, including in attracting a new (and better) mate. The hits the HP twice, once in their insecurity and then again in their controlling nature as the (formerly) MOP is now less easy to control both physically and emotionally as ironically their confidence has grown as their body has shrunk. If the relationship was always overtly abusive then that abuse will almost certainly ramp up as the control is lessened (a common phenomenon).

So then one of two things happen, either FMOP realises they have choices and thinks "Fuck this" and leaves (ask me how I know!!). Or HP dumps them and moves on to another person they can use and control instead.

Yes unfortunately this happens. I went from a size 20/22 to an 8/10 and I get quizzed all the bloody time. They watch what I eat, what in don’t eat. Constantly make comments about not losing too much more. For context I am 5ft. I was 16st 2lb and am now 8st 6lb.
i get asked if I’m on injections lol or what my secret is daily. Friends no longer see me as the fat friend to tag along, and are now in competition with me (I don’t know why) it’s really weird.
i even got told I look like a bag of bones the other day!! But no one ever commented to my face when I was obese and unhappy. Well done on your weightloss 🙌

That’s why I don’t want to lose because of all the comments and compliments. Some people thrive off having smoke blown up their derrières. Mind you the main reason is because I’m hungry Horace.🤣 I’ll freely hold my hands up.

It sounds like they’re jealous op. That’s all I can think of.

Yeah I remember losing a lot of weight and one it got to a noticeable amount (3 stone in) it was constant comments from everyone, on a daily basis. Nice at first but then I felt like I was being closely observed. And it was boring talking about it so much, I didn't want to.
I just want to leave the fat me behind and be accepted as the new slim me without further comment. It took about a year for the comments to die down

Yes, this is what the doctor told me when I asked why. Very well stated! Thank you!

Ask yourself - why did the patient need to know that? If you're morbidly obese then losing weight can only be a good thing - how can telling a morbidly obese person that they can either stay fat and married or be thinner and divorced - in any way a good thing for the patient to hear?

Done properly and tactfully it is informed consent. There is another post which explains the issue in much greater detail than I did.
It's a hard choice. If you're married to someone who married you partly because you tolerate his behavior because you're obese, and so are grateful he married you, is it better to have the security of marriage in that situation, or change the dynamic and risk independence and divorce? I don't think there is one answer for everyone. But you should know the risk. At least, I think so.

This is ridiculous. Maybe in an abusive marriage - but not in a normal marriage. And if it's an abusive marriage - that's not the benchmark - that's akin to saying all MOP are in abusive relationships....

My DH is classified as morbidly obese. He could do with losing weight, but equally he's built like a brick shit house. He's a MOP by clinical definitions and surw he needs to lose weight, but at the same time - he's got a high flying career, he travels all over the world, he has good friends, strong family and a good social life.

So you're telling me if he loses weight and becomes thin - then he's either going to leave me because he can get an upgrade, or I'm going to start abusing him.....

Ok, cool. How does this help my husband gain the motivation he needs to lose the weight - if people start spouting off at him that it will lead to our divorce?

They sound jealous but you can’t have been that overweight if you got to a size 10
in 6 months. Well done on your achievement, don’t let them throw shade at your attempt to better yourself, you didn’t do it for them and perhaps they need to hear that.

Because it gives them informed consent. If someone is really at the "lose weight or die" stage, then they need to know what both outcomes could bring. For example, rapid weightloss is known to be a contributing factor for gall stones, but on balance, they are still a small price to pay compared to massively higher risk of stroke, cardiac issues and certain cancers.

I would class "Ending of significant relationship" as a Common Side Effect, as it is noted in all medicines, in this clinicians experience. I think that not telling patients is actually worse than telling them. Any potential side effect to a medical treatment must be shared with the patient whether that be physical, mental or emotional.

I think you are misunderstanding me.

Was there a power imbalance when you got together? Has he always been MO?

If not then none of what I wrote applies to you so I am curious why you are so offended by it.

I stand by what I've previously written.

25% of the UK are classified as obese and you fall into that category when your BMI is just a fraction off morbidly obese - right? So we are talking millions and millions of people - somewhere in the region of 10-17million people. And you're saying, from some pop psychology, these people are in abusive relationships and will get divorced if they lose weight....and that maybe all those millions of people should consider this before starting a diet?

I want my DH to lose weight because every day I'm scared he might have a heart attack and keel over. This is exactly the kind of crap he doesn't need to hear.

You think telling him that if he loses weight he will absolutely get divorced - and his answer to that would be - oh well thanks for letting me know the side effects doc - let's proceed with my diet.....

Take a minute to think this through. I could g
understand - 'losing weight may mean some shifts in your closest relationships as you redefine yourself and there may be a period of adjustment' - but to flat out say divorce.....that's dangerous.

And I stand by what I said. That you are misunderstanding me.

ETA...... I think that your own insecurities are far more at play here than anything I said. I think that idea that your husband being told that his marriage may be at risk if he loses weight, perhaps because he could leave you, has hit some nerve. Otherwise your post makes no logical sense at all.

Then maybe you should be more clear.

Because your post was in agreement with someone saying that she knew a doctor who told all patients losing weight that they would get divorced. What did I misunderstand? Because you said 'yes - when you think about it logically' and then you proceeded to list out all the reasons why you thought her statement about weight loss = divorce was true.

And then you doubled down on it and started talking about divorce as a side effect that a patient should know about!

What did I misunderstand that you could have made clearer?

Further, 25% of the population are obese and you are very small fraction off "overweight" if you are in that category. So your post that all obese people are a fraction off "Morbidly Obese" simply isnt true.

At no point did I, or @KM123456 mention divorce. Only you did that.

Does sound like a raw nerve has been triggered here for Polly.

You've agreed with a post that says everyone who is morbidly overweight will get divorced sorry, no you are right - 'marriage will fail' and that doctors should inform people of this as a side effect of dieting.....

What's another word for a 'a marriage that's failed', dunno - is that divorce?