Lost weight, now losing friends!

[Artistbythewater]

I have been over weight for many years. I decided about six months ago I have had enough.

I am now a size 10 and some of my friends have taken it very badly, and it has shocked me. I am now often quizzed, judged and I no longer feel like one of them. My feminist values have been questioned subtly, I am adhering to the patriarchy is the overall impression I am given. I have ‘given in’ or something like that.

I am furious. This is my body. I can be fit and well if I want to be. I spent an entire dinner party listening to friends telling me I should be proud whatever my size at the weekend. All the while looking slightly peeved.

I was pre diabetic with a host of health problems before, which was the main reason behind my decision. I feel fitter, more confident in myself. I can run, feel comfortable in clothes. It’s made such a difference to me personally.

We are not young - menopausal age. I thought I had better friends than this! Has anyone else experienced this?

Most people go one of two ways. Those who obsess about their own weight and think they're too fat will tell you that you've lost too much, are "gaunt", that they don't recognise you and that you need to stop. Those who have always been slimmer will very clearly, if not explicitly, communicate that they were right all along and thank goodness you've come to your senses. In the process making it clear that they despised you all these years.

A very few (and thankfully I have some in my life) will be happy for you achieving your goals.

It is a mental, social and psychological minefield.

I didn’t say it wasn’t! It’s just sad that she felt she had to specify it was a response to “accusations”.

I said nothing about how she lost the weight. Nothing. You have brought that to the table.

When someone loses weight, they have absolutely gained a position of privilege - in terms of health, in terms of happiness, in terms of societal acceptance - and for those who are still standing back at square one it can cause some difficult emotions.

It's awful isn't it, thinking that your friends thought of you as the reliable fat friend who looked worse than them. It's insecurity. A true friend would just be glad that you're happier!

I don’t think it’s a place of privalge. How did we get to a position where anyone would think being a healthy weight is a privalge.

the poster is right, your snippy tone is an example of the issue being raised on this thread.

I had this when I lost a chunk of weight. I was young and bmi 23, absolutely didn't look too thin or ill but one skinny friend said I was losing too much. She was smaller than me still. Dickhead move.

God yes. My own mil was incredibly jealous of my weight loss. She would visibly bristle and look angry when she heard me get compliments. A neighbour also lost some weight. I mentioned how well she looked when I got inside and mil immediately spat out something about her bad dress sense.

@Artistbythewater you need to set some firm boundaries. Your friends keep going back to this subject because they get away with it. I’d have given them a very simple “I am not discussing my body, health or weight loss anymore. Let’s move into another topic, I am happy, I am healthy and that is the last I will say on the matter, as my friends please respect that and let’s have a nice evening”

Then if they pushed the boundary again you don't respond, you stay silent for a few seconds, look at them calmly and then bring up another topic. Rinse and repeat. And if they push harder you get up and leave the table, say you really can’t keep going round in circles on this topic, you value their friendship and company but right now you feel ganged up on and bullied when all you’ve done is work in your own personal health, something which doesn’t impact them. You’ve said you don’t want to have this topic brought up and they are disregarding your feelings, so you’ll see them another day when your weight and body shape isn’t the main conversation.

i have lost 100lbs myself, I’ve never had this with my friends/family but I have had to put firm boundaries in place in other aspects of my life, and yes it’s hard at first but years later I realise how much damage I was doing to myself by allowing such bad behaviour from others. It’s important you set the precedent now.

Weight and dress size is a massive trigger for women . I remember when I listened to weight and two witches at work started to make my life hell . I had gone under the radar until then . Put the weight back on and was left alone .

Many of us (inc me!) are a bit overweight and would like to lose it.However we are not able to get access to injections .You have lost weight and thats good .Your friends are being unreasonable .They see this as a "quick fix" and it really isnt .I think its a shame to lose chums ,as new ones are harder to find when older. I wonder if going for meals is a good thing with them. Presumably you cannot eat very much and they may feel embarassed when going for a pud! perhaps a walk and coffee,trip to cinema, or a trip to the pub may be better ?

Maybe one or both of them have secretly tried the jabs and they didn't work for them and they're jealous?

Just putting forward another theory!

Maybe I have underestimated that a change like this would impact my friends, after all, it’s just some weight loss and nothing earth shattering. I am not a brand new person.

It does mean I have been able to wear some new clothes which was so enjoyable to find I looked nice in some of them, they hang well. My face looks much better. Who knew I had cheekbones? I guess there are more changes than I realised. Maybe it is a shock to them. I have always been a confident person, maybe they didn’t expect this of me. I have never been especially body conscious or worried about weight.

We did speak about it, and they don’t want to use the jabs (fear of being ill, not having energy and lack of research) Their reasons are valid and it’s their decision. My decision is different, and I’m absolutely sure I have made the right one for my circumstances.

My body feels so different, I am stlll getting used to my own new self. It’s privately quite thrilling to see myself emerging out of the mirror each day. I had counselling before this, so it was a considered decision. Based around giving myself the time and resources to finally be the healthiest version I can be. There was much more to the weight than simple middle age spread. It was keeping me safe, unseen. Insulation. I don’t need it now, and I don’t need the friends that can’t accept me as I am.

I am quite happy to let them go if this continues for much longer. I don’t expect them to be ‘happy’ for me at all, but I expect them to be honest with themselves about why they find this so difficult.

I don’t expect them to be ‘happy’ for me at all, but I expect them to be honest with themselves about why they find this so difficult

you can’t ask them that though. However I see a bit of smugness and gloating creeping in. Amd I say that as someone on mounjaro who gets it. The thrill. The cheek bones. The right choices. The Looking good. The clothes. And I do wonder if this is as one way as you say.

becasye it’s bad how they’ve behaved, but sitting going on about the thrill of looking good and how healthy you are, your great cheekbones and new clothes, in front of a bunch of friends struggling is just as bad. And wholly lacking empathy. And will result in what you experienced.

I know you are saying you didn’t, but you couldn’t resist a gloaty post telling everyone how great you look. Even when it was really not required , tells me there is more to this.

If they don't approve of the injections, they don't have to get them. Whether you should or not isn't up to them.

I've decided against the injections for now. I see my doctor every six months about my diabetes, and we'll discuss it again next time. Nobody else gets a say.

I think the responses would have been completely different if you had mentioned weight loss jabs in the original post.

WHY??

I’m staggered at the amount of women punching down other women because of their choices in trying to improve their health.

Fat shaming is seen as unacceptable, but slating someone for trying to minimise obesity related health risks using legitimate medication is not? Mad.

Think how much more the NHS could save if all those obese people weren’t obese anymore….lets not pretend obesity isn’t a massive burden on NHS resources, type 2 diabetics takes a big old chunk of the budget, and could very easily be reduced if people lost weight.

its not “cheating” or a cop out - weight loss meds can make it a lot easier for people with food related issues to get a bit of bloody respite and make progress.

@Artistbythewater you keep on going with what’s making you feel healthier and happier 💪

Jesus Christ a post on mumsnet to total strangers is completely different to gloating to friends! I have barely told anyone I'm on them and while I wouldn't lie if asked I would not entertain any conversation about them as it's nobody's business. However on mumsnet I post lots about them and how amazing they are. Different audiences! Most people IRL aren't shouting about the medication. Why would they?

Calm down, you shouldn’t explode like that. And it’s very different to a discussion about the drugs, we all do it and our nsv to posting suddenly on this thread about how great you look.

@ToriMJ Yeah very weird when someone says you look ill/don't lose more when they're still thinner.

What an odd response.

Saying how good you feel being lighter, to a bunch of strangers on the internet, isn’t gloating.

Seems like you’ve got some issues that have made you read something into this post that others can’t see.

alright it was just a thought, we don’t need a pile on. Someone said it already. 😟

And yet you didn’t hesitate to accuse the op of something utterly baseless and quite nasty. Perhaps you’d benefit from taking some of your own feedback.

They think that by deciding not to be overweight, you’re criticising them in some way.

It’s bonkers, but that’s what it is!

Got that out your system or you wanna come in for another kick? Have at it.

I lost 8 stone, also at menopausal age, and one of my friends (slimmer than me) tells me I'm vain if I ever mention clothes size. I've never liked the way I look, which she knows, and I'm definitely not vain. I think it's a way to try and put you back in your place. I've also had comments about the risk of becoming gaunt - well as I've reversed diabetes and am now running half marathons I think I'll take the risk thanks. I hope your friends manage to change their tune OP.

Well done OP 👏
They're just jealous.