Lost weight, now losing friends!

[Artistbythewater]

I have been over weight for many years. I decided about six months ago I have had enough.

I am now a size 10 and some of my friends have taken it very badly, and it has shocked me. I am now often quizzed, judged and I no longer feel like one of them. My feminist values have been questioned subtly, I am adhering to the patriarchy is the overall impression I am given. I have ‘given in’ or something like that.

I am furious. This is my body. I can be fit and well if I want to be. I spent an entire dinner party listening to friends telling me I should be proud whatever my size at the weekend. All the while looking slightly peeved.

I was pre diabetic with a host of health problems before, which was the main reason behind my decision. I feel fitter, more confident in myself. I can run, feel comfortable in clothes. It’s made such a difference to me personally.

We are not young - menopausal age. I thought I had better friends than this! Has anyone else experienced this?

They sound like they've been good and thoughtful friends in the past.

They sound quite politically aware, but I think haven't self reflected on the impact on you of what they're saying, it's a bit 'knee jerk'.

Also humans don't always embrace change readily.

Given they've always been good friends, I would talk to them about this. Good relationships are worth fighting for, in this case I would be talking to them and seeing how they react to the conversation...

You could acknowledge that they might have some responses which come from those big picture concerns like 'should women have to be thin to be successful and loved' (no),
Agree it is worrying that complex interconnected forces of food types and their availability, societal structures and culture has created a situation where so many people struggle to be at a healthy weight and struggle to change, thus need injections to help.

But then, remind them that you aren't and can't be responsible for those issues beyond how you care for yourself.
Tell them that you were pre-diabetic and now aren't, which means you've avoided a serious health issue.
Ask them to remember you are still you, that nothing you've done for yourself changes how you feel about them, but the peer pressure they put on you when you last got together spoiled your meal, they put you under a microscope and you felt judged and uncomfortable.

Ask them to remember that if we aren't judging someone for being fat then we shouldn't be for being thin, and while some of the things they talked about with you are valid concerns on a wider level, for you as an individual all you've done is look out for your own long term issues and used a tool that's available, which happily did help.

Tell them that though people can feel that they 'should' be able to lose weight from will power alone, and many many people have internalised that expectation... The reality is often far far more complicated and include all kinds of emotional and food relationship issues which means it may not be that simple.

That calling the injections a 'short cut' belittles those complex issues for someone who needs that support. Would they point a similar finger at someone using nicotine patches to get off cigarettes for instance? Food might not be cigarettes, but it's misuse can still give health problems and if anything it's harder to to be something a person struggles with as you can't completely abstain!!

Ask them, to remember that there is an individual they care about here, who doesn't deserve to feel the weight of their displeasure being placed upon her when she thinks she's enjoying time with friends who she thought valued her whatever her body shape.

It puzzles me that friendships are the relationship some people expect to never need to discuss between the people in it... All relationships can benefit from a heart to heart about things... Why should friendship be the one relationship that either works or doesn't and when an issue arises we just cut and run.

If you talk to them and they stick to their attitude and how they have treated you since this change then yes, revaluate the friendship... But it's worth fighting for first isn't it.

Given the chance to self reflect where their disapproval is coming from, and whether they really want to channel it into making you unhappy in the group could be all they need to realise what they're doing and stop.

Factual
do you see weight loss medication as cheating?

Yet it’s strange how many similar stories have been shared on this thread…

I was also overweight, 15 stone, I'm on a weight loss injection and lost 3 stone. A good friend of mine was also overweight and last year she lost a ton of weight, I went to stay with her and she was pepidly giving me all her "fat clothes", I felt uncomfortable and a bit embarrassed but I knew she didn't mean it. This year I went back out to stay with her, she warned me she's put all her weight back on through stress, I told her I had lost a bit. When I got there I was expecting her to tell me I looked good, nothing, not a comment, it was bizarre, and I realised then even good people get jealous, I still like her and had a good time but couldn't get over her not even mentioning it, it irked a bit but wjat xan you do. I'm delighted anyway.

Why is it fair enough for the OP's friends to think the way OP is losing weight is wrong? It's really not fair enough at all. You are a concern troll. It's very annoying.

I suspect that’s part of it, but not sure it’s the whole story.

i don’t really understand people who are overweight claiming it’s cheating, whilst they sit there overweight and not able to lose it. Seems contradictory. I’d get it if they were doing it the hard way and succeeding, but generally they aren’t.

im on the jabs, if i could do it myself i would, id not have got to being obese, evidentially i clearly can’t. Im still dieting and exercising, because you need to , if anyone thinks I’m cheating then quite frankly I’d feel they were an idiot and break relationship with them, as who wants to associate with a fool. I’m on the jabs as I couldn’t lose the weight, and was developing a lot of health problems. If someone can’t form a rational argument then there is no point even discussing with them. You can’t reason with stupid.

I have a colleague who has been given the new weight loss jabs. I see her as the same person whether she is overweight or not. Tbh though she has become a little sanctimonious. I mentioned that I didn’t do as much exercise as I used to when I was my ideal weight. She quipped that it isn’t exercise that I need.
I don’t like that. Quite frankly she hasn’t worked hard to loose weight. Taking a drug is taking a drug. She also told me that I would not qualify for these drugs on the nhs and they are very expensive to buy.
Ok I get it maybe she thinks that if I took a petite suppressants then I would be back to being very slim and she doesn't like that.
I don’t care.
I've never stopped talking to anyone because they have put on/lost weight it’s pathetic.

I think the OP realises that. Doesn't make them any less a bunch of dicks or the situation less hurtful does it?

So what if she hasn’t worked hard in your view. What difference does that make?

I also think a lot of people don’t like the fact it’s free to some people, whilst others have to work very hard to get the same results.
It’s like when the council give free gym membership to obese people but not to those who are not obese.
I’ve known people try very severe diet plans. They always pile the weight back on when they come off these plans. I never comment on that though. It’s their life and if they want to try it then so what.

A concern troll? What on earth is that!?
I am expressing a thought as to why her friends may be acting the way they are
So sod off with your name calling

I think that if they can't be glad that you will be healthy going forward then really, they're not your friends at all. You were part of a little group of validators, and having broken out of your designated role you don't fit any more. Your body shape doesn't validate theirs so you can't be part of the group.

Time to move on, I think, and I'd probably let one of them know why you're leaving them behind to their unhealthy and (inwardly) unhappy lives. They can't be happy in themselves if they feel the need to criticise someone who breaks free of their designated role.

I'll be your friend OP, you sound smart, insightful and emotionally stable.

Being fat is not a moral failing, being thin is not a moral success (I say that as a lifelong thin person who has done nothing in particular to 'achieve' this body type). People who attach morality to weight or body type (and in turn notions of 'cheating' or 'deserving' and 'undeserving') tend to lack critical thinking skills and are likely to be pretty annoying 'friends' in other ways.

If you think that's not the case here and that your friends do have some capacity for critical thinking, I would make one last attempt to appeal to their better judgement (ideally by posing some reflective questions eg "the moral judgements you made about my weight loss on Saturday were really hurtful and don't stand up to scrutiny, on reflection is there anything you wish you'd said or done differently?"). If they are still hostile after that then, personally, I'd be binning them off.

They weren’t, because your friends would never have consciously thought this. If asked before your weight loss, they’d have expressed nothing but support and their wish for you to succeed.

But faced with the reality of that success, they’re dealing with unexpected emotions of jealousy, bitterness and the knowledge that they’d love to do the same but probably can’t/won’t because it’s so bloody hard. It’s rooted in self-loathing and comes out as defensiveness or snide criticism of others in order not to have to admit the obvious, which is they’re not happy with the way they themselves look and feel - the classic move by angry and insecure people is to boost their own self esteem by chipping away at someone else’s.

Regardless, it’s shit to be on the receiving end, and you’re not responsible for their insecurities, nor should you have to pander to them. If they carry on with this BS, sadly they’re no longer your friends in the true sense of the word.

Congratulations btw, OP, what you’ve done sounds amazing.

OP, they certainly aren't real friends, which is awful to find out.
They don't wish you well.
Just see a lot less of them and continue to focus on your health, wellbeing and making new friends.

Better to have found out, despite the upset.

With kindness, it's very easy to say that you wouldn't look at them differently when you are the one who is at the end of the journey. You must know from experience that the prospect of losing weight can be a daunting one when looking at it from the very start, and there are probably a while host of emotions that go along with a friend suddenly losing the weight your friends may have been wishing they could lose for years. I think writing this off as 'simple' jealousy is deliberately ignorant.

Is it nice that your friends are acting in this way? No. But humans are complicated. You have admitted that this weight loss has brought new joy and freedom and happiness to you which you are revelling in, as well you should, it's a wonderful achievement - but acting innocent from your new place of privilege and excitement and you pretending you can't possibly understand why they might be feeling some strong emotions about it is tone-deaf.

Give it time. They might not know how to talk to you - they could be concerned about congratulating you in case it doesn't stay off (not saying that will be the case) or be worried that your motivation was that you weren't happy before, or they could just be feeling sad/conflicted about their own weight of its something they aren't happy about ir are now questioning.

If they are real friends the awkwardness will pass. If they aren't then it won't. Just don't burn your bridges too quickly.

Society is so messed up with moral judgements linked to weight!
The whole big = lazy, stupid
thin = disciplined
that people think that the jab is a get out and circumnavigating the above. You only have to read some recent threads here about life long slim people being cross that others have access to tools to be slim... Very much as "know your place fatties"

well done op.

change can be difficult. i don't understand the sneering at people who are on meds to help with trying to lose weight. being overweight has serious health implications and the cause can be difficult to resolve, because for lots of people there are emotional factors that aren't as straightforward as 'eat less move more'. if there is help available then why wouldn't you take it?

people can be funny about what they see as cheating. i think it's tied to a view of overweight people, especially women, as being lazy and unmotivated and less disciplined. losing weight the so-called traditional way through restriction is acceptable, because going without is the penance you have to pay for being overweight in the first place. having help looks like a sidestep of that; you're getting a taxi to the finish line instead of running the marathon.

utter bollocks - help or not you still have to put in effort, and you have to retrain your habits and sort out the root cause in order to maintain a healthy weight esp when you finish meds. but people can be funny about it. emphasising the difficulty means that they can comfort themselves about why they haven't done it.

to be fair it is bloody difficult, but that goes back to the first point about why not accept help when it's offered? equally if i decide not to accept help but someone else does, why do i have the right to judge them? I've lost 26lbs since 1 jan by changing by diet and upping my exercise. i have a friend on mounjaro and we're doing a weight buddies thing at the moment. me losing weight is not any more or less valid by her losing weight using a different method.

focus on you. it's a great result and you should feel happy about it.

what i wanted to say but much more concise and better!

Even some of Adele’s fans vilified her for losing weight, saying she’d betrayed them. It’s so twisted.

The other key point is this is women on women. We have a male friend who has lost several stone, literally, after being obese for decades. I strongly suspect he’s using medication to help him on his journey and not admitting it. All the men in the group are nothing but pleased for him, and give it little to no notice other than a passing well done mate. From the fit to the fat, there is no judgement. They don’t care about his weight other than from a health perspective. The women talk about it much more, but there is no envy or judgement, I assume as he’s a man, that comparison or competition doesn’t exist,

but woman on woman. That’s a whole different ballgame. One of the women in the group recently lost weight, she was always an upper but flabby healthy weight but became fit. No jabs, just exercise classes, and When she walked in after not seeing her for a while, I told her she looks great, you could see she’d lost weight and looked fit, and another woman turned round and said for “for christ sakes look at the state of your legs, they look like they could snap. “ they didn’t, they looked fit and toned, and the woman who made the comment, she is the fattest in the group. So She immediately made a bitchy comment. She didn’t do that to the man who lost several stone. I can only assume as it didn’t reflect on her as much, but her go to for the woman was to immediately have a go.

It's like when someone in your friendship group stops smoking or drinking. You're no longer doing what your friends are doing: you've examined your life and changed your habits. Other people can get a bit arsey about this but with luck things will settle - congratulations on your weight loss and the wonderful boost to your health

it's a wonderful achievement - but acting innocent from your new place of privilege and excitement and you pretending you can't possibly understand why they might be feeling some strong emotions about it is tone-deaf.

And this is precisely the sort of problem the OP is facing. Apparently now weight loss is a “privilege”. Would it still be a privilege if she’d done it the “right” way, I wonder?

I saw recently that Lizzo went to a Halloween party dressed as an Ozempic syringe in response to what she described as “accusations” that that was how she’s lost weight recently. I was angry to see she’d used that term - but really, my anger was misdirected. I should have been annoyed with the people who act like you can diminish the achievement of weight loss by acting like medical help is “cheating”. No wonder it feels like an accusation.

To be fair to Lizzo the Halloween costume was a clap back to South Park and it was funny