Lost weight, now losing friends!

[Artistbythewater]

I have been over weight for many years. I decided about six months ago I have had enough.

I am now a size 10 and some of my friends have taken it very badly, and it has shocked me. I am now often quizzed, judged and I no longer feel like one of them. My feminist values have been questioned subtly, I am adhering to the patriarchy is the overall impression I am given. I have ‘given in’ or something like that.

I am furious. This is my body. I can be fit and well if I want to be. I spent an entire dinner party listening to friends telling me I should be proud whatever my size at the weekend. All the while looking slightly peeved.

I was pre diabetic with a host of health problems before, which was the main reason behind my decision. I feel fitter, more confident in myself. I can run, feel comfortable in clothes. It’s made such a difference to me personally.

We are not young - menopausal age. I thought I had better friends than this! Has anyone else experienced this?

From personal experience,there is nothing like admitting that you are using weight loss injections to bring out the worst in some people!

Absolutely agree with PO who refuses to entertain any discussion about their weight.

Some people are surprised and want to reassure me that it's absolutely a compliment

I tell 'em there are only two reasons it could be, either a serious wasting disease or I had put on too much weight. In either case, it's just none of their business. Simples.

Yep might as well tell them you’re shooting up
heroin

I had to avoid doing the school run for a while because people were commenting on it so much. I made DH come with me as he said I was exaggerating but he saw for himself that there are some people absolutely obsessed with what someone else weighs.

What I find sad is it’s not a scarcity thing- there’s no rule that it a group of friends only X number can be a healthy weight. Appreciate it’s a complex thing for many though.

That’s reminded me, back in the early 80s (I was late teens) we all used to smoke. My bf at the time decided to stop. I remember feeling a bit annoyed. I snapped out of it quickly, realising I was being unreasonable but at least I was still a teen (and I haven’t smoked in a long time now). It’s maybe understandable for the friends to have a short lived negative feeling but not to carry it on further into the friendship.

Happened to me. We was the same size and I lost weight and she didn't. She didn't want to be friends anymore!

Absolutely not smug or anything of the sort. I was saying I acknowledge there may have been some changes that I hadn’t taken into account. Clothes being one, facially being another. That to say nothing has changed but a few stone probably isn’t accurate on reflection.

I would not dream of saying this to anyone. Why would my friends want to know the intricate details of my weight loss, and the fact it’s having a far bigger impact on me psychologically than I ever envisaged? I wouldn’t want to bore them quite frankly and there are other subjects that are far more interesting!

Ok fair enough, as said, I get you, I’m on the same drug, just I wondered as it was a sudden discussion on it if you’d done anything to make them react negatively, but it appears not. So it’s as per the rest of the thread. They are just envious and a gang mentality occurred.

I not convinced they are necessarily envious but maybe a feeling that I am no longer one of them vibe. That I have gone over to the dark side.
We are older women and no one is rocking the car walk at this point. I would say it feels more like disappointment. Which is somehow worse to me, than jealousy.

Good god, she just said she didn't do any of that and is secretly thrilled, whats wrong with you!!

I think, genuinely, that when we lose weight we really do lose our place in our friendship groups. None of us like to think it but our place in our social circles is multi layered and appearance is part of that. Weight, like it or not, forms part of our appearance.

I have friendship groups where I have been the slimmest and groups where I have been the biggest. I am no longer the biggest in any of my friendship groups and some dynamics have changed.

I have never discussed my weight loss with any of my friends. Not once. I am absolutely incapable of discussing it as it is so private to me.

But still, they discuss it. I feel for you OP. it is hard.

Can you imagine men giving thought to this or treating friends differently for losing weight, group dynamics changing. I love being a woman but do hate some of these behaviours I see and hear about that I can't relate to at all, reminds me of the school playground days.

I agree with you. It’s really fascinating. Men don’t seem to have similar dynamics.

How much weight have you lost? What size were you before?
Can’t they just be happy for you?!

You just unleashed their insecurities and jealousy I'm afraid. It's why I prefer dogs.

That's your answer right there. They're conflicted and their own insecurities ("we're all overweight together etc") are overpowering any feelings of goodwill that they should be having to you.

They're not your friends, or at least they don't deserve to be.

For the avoidance of doubt - I am not saying anything negative about being overweight or anything like that, more just about your friends inability to have genuine happiness for your journey.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this OP. A bit late now but I would advise just saying “it’s a mixture of exercise, diet and medication and I’m doing it for health reasons and on medical advice”. If they persist, I’d say “I don’t want to talk about private medical issues”. Or “let’s talk about something else. Our weight is the least interesting thing about us”. If they keep going, just get upset and say how upsetting and disappointing it is that they can’t respect your boundaries or be happy for you as your health had improved.
They will always be friends but maybe not such close friends. It’s perfectly possible to make great new friendships in middle age. And because you are feeling energised, happy and confident, you will!

This sounds like jealousy, pure and simple. And so what if you used weight loss injections to do it, you feel and look great, and that's what matters.
One of the last straws with my friends were the comments over my weight, I had put on a bit (but still a size 12) and they spent an evening over pizza telling me to do those army weight loss classes. After spending years underweight, I was so happy that I had some curves at last, I was absolutely flabbergasted about the comments and so hurt. Women can be so cruel.
Find new friends!

I had something similar: someone I had considered one of my best friends since my schooldays bemoaned that she was "the ugly friend now" after I lost weight.

Yours are no doubt jealous of your success and disappointed and frustrated in themselves that they're still overweight and unfit.

Well done on getting fit and feeling great.

Wow, what a bitch!

I had this.

I lost it through diet so I dont think that how you do it is relevant really, its just a handy thing to put you down over. And it was always people who had been bigger or around my size. One of the favourites I got was that I was now "obsessed" with food and boring that I wouldnt just eat what I wanted.

I figured out that the resentment was mainly from people who had spent years bemoaning how it was "impossible" to lose weight, and me doing it proved that it wasnt. Basically, I wiped out their excuse so they couldnt say that they couldnt do it anymore, but didnt want to admit that they couldnt be arsed to do it.

They are not friends, but I am sure that with your new found confidence and happiness you will find some new, good, kind people to be friends with.

Sadly, as much as we see who are our friends when something bad happens, that same is true when something good happens. Envy will always show in one way or another.

Large people develop a litany of reasons for their size. It's glandular. Big bones. etc. etc. Maybe they're right (though it's difficult to challenge 'if it's on your hips it came in through your face').

Anyway. you've demonstrated that it can be done. Annoying.

They are jealous and probably feel judged. Stand your ground and if the subject comes up say you feel so much better and are really enjoying all the benefits, buying clothes etc. I had a friend who put on a lot of weight for no great reason and became extremely grumpy. Going shopping together was no longer enjoyable and she became critical of my choices ("Those stripes don't suit you" etc). When she finally got round to improving her lifestyle the weight fell off her and she became a nicer person again.

Very weird OP.

My only question would be - how on earth do you afford them (the injections)? And how can I get started on them? 😂

Give them a bit time, probably just a bit of a shock.

How bizarre. My friends and I are 50 plus and all sizes. Some very slim naturally. But if any used jabs I couldn't give a toss.One is a fitness fanatic and is lovely slim and toned. I always compliment her. I'm a bit overweight but confident.
I think they're jealous. Tell them to bore off or yawn when they start going on about it. I can't imagine being with such dullards.