Lost weight, now losing friends!

[Artistbythewater]

I have been over weight for many years. I decided about six months ago I have had enough.

I am now a size 10 and some of my friends have taken it very badly, and it has shocked me. I am now often quizzed, judged and I no longer feel like one of them. My feminist values have been questioned subtly, I am adhering to the patriarchy is the overall impression I am given. I have ‘given in’ or something like that.

I am furious. This is my body. I can be fit and well if I want to be. I spent an entire dinner party listening to friends telling me I should be proud whatever my size at the weekend. All the while looking slightly peeved.

I was pre diabetic with a host of health problems before, which was the main reason behind my decision. I feel fitter, more confident in myself. I can run, feel comfortable in clothes. It’s made such a difference to me personally.

We are not young - menopausal age. I thought I had better friends than this! Has anyone else experienced this?

I really love my friends. This is pretty unexpected.

It's not uncommon, OP!

Have they always been slimmer than you or do they want to lose weight, too?

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. This is jealousy plain and simple. Are your friends overweight by any chance?
Often people will use whatever they can to justify the feeling of jealousy they have, because it’s easier than admitting someone has achieved something that they feel unable to change in themselves.

I would keep reiterating the “it’s my body.” If they are still carrying on, you need to tell them straight that it is unacceptable, you are happy, and if they cannot manage to be positive about your achievements it will no longer be tolerated as a topic of conversation.

Well done on feeling happier and healthier!

I haven’t experienced it but I’m not at all surprised that it’s happening to you. As an overweight person, you fulfil a role in your social group. You’re the staple, the failsafe, the comforting ‘at least I’m thinner than artistbythewater’. And now you don’t fulfil that role. There’s no one there to feel superior to, to look down on, to make them feel better about themselves.
Even if your friends aren’t thinking these things openly, they will be thinking it subconsciously.
Im also losing a lot of weight currently and having been overweight for years, I expect this to happen to me too.

Well it’s mixed but my slimmer friends have been okay, it’s the ones that were a similar size or bigger.

Usually it's one of two things: either they have always been slimmer than you and you were (without realising it) in the role of the "fat friend" - now you have shifted position in their hierarchy and they don't like it, or they wanted to lose weight too and you losing weight has made them feel self conscious about themselves.

I am feeling great, I am sleeping well, doing exercise classes. I have a new lease of life. I didn’t know so many of my relationships were based on some implicit expectation that I would always be overweight.

Are you on weight loss jabs? That seems to irk people a lot

Yes

I agree with all of this.

Although I will add a third one.

I've known a couple of people to lose weight and lose friends because they became preachy about it, and looked down their noses a bit at friends who were still overweight.

When it was pointed out that they'd become a pain in the arse, their reply would invariably be "Oh they're just jealous of my weight loss".

Not saying this is the case for the OP, but it does happen sometimes.

Same happened to me. I lost 11 stone and my 'best' friend abandoned me as I got some self confidence and began to branch out a bit. I was no longer available at her beck and call and she didn't like it. Also when I started to get attention from men when we were out she didn't like that either!

I have had friends like that too. I am definitely not preachy. I have avoided talking about it.

They probably think you're criticising THEM by choosing a different body shape, no matter what you say / don't say. I'm sorry, it's so self-centered of them.

This happened to me too. I actually felt more self-conscious about my body once I'd lost weight. A close friend who is much thinner than me continually told me how old and haggard losing weight had made me. Also the amount of people who felt the need to stop me at the school gates and comment on my weight. It was actually awful. I even had the woman who worked in a local shop abandon her post to run out on to the street to tell me she didn't recognise me. I don't know what was worse, the negative comments, the positive comments. It was like I had suddenly become visible. I HATED it. I've put it all back on again (not intentionally!) and I'm back to being fat, invisible and unthreatening again. 😭

Op... You do what's best for your health and ignore the eejits.

That is incredible weight loss. You were definitely serving a purpose rather than enjoying a friendship. I am really happy for you. You lost a fake friend and gained much more in terms of your own life experience. I can say this to you, but the reality is actually much harder. I didn’t envisage this happening at all.

Figures. I wouldn’t tell people. I’ve only told family and had no end of grief about it.

I had a bit of jealousy from some people when I lost a lot of weight, including those who were slim while I was fat. Sorry that this is happening to you.

Most people were very supportive.

I love them. I don’t look at them differently because I don’t care what they look like! I couldn’t care less. I didn’t know these friendships were so conditional.

Yup. Absolutely.

Am I going to need whole sets of new friends? Because I can’t imagine enduring another night like Saturday.

Well they guessed, so it was either lie ( I am not dishonest) or tell the truth.

OP There could be jealousy here causung a problem. But, if you are honest with yourself has your personality changed? Are you now just a different person? Are you less sociable in the same way as you were before? Are you now into the gym but your friends would rather eat and get drunk and socialise? Weight loss and being more healthy is great but if your friends are not into that have you just grown apart? Maybe look into meeting new friends who will see what a great person you are and who are into the fitness side of your life.

I oddly feel much more loved, bigger.
And much more alive as I am now.
What a horrible choice.

I have one former friend who only speaks to me when I'm bigger than her.

I'm back at the gym now and I don't give a flying fruitcake whether I ever see her again.

By contrast, I have two friends who have told me how lovely I looked when I last lost all the weight and how I'm looking so much better and "tapered" since I've gone back to the gym.

My GP is also delighted.

No, I haven’t been near a gym. I stlll eat(not as much) and the only thing that has changed is my dress size. The weight loss jabs don’t require a huge lifestyle change. I am exactly the same.