Am i the one who should appologise .....

[Atticus334]

Warning this is really long ....

I haven't spoken to the my mum in over a week and its becoming apparent that neither of us are backing down and i just want to know if im in the wrong

Its a facebook related one , i know it sounds petty but it is just indicative of her behaviour in general.
i am pregnant and announced it on facebook - everyone in my whole family and friends etc commented lovely messages and she point blank ignored it

When questioned by my sister she told my sister she hadnt seen it - however she dosnt get off facebook and a large number of our mutual friends had commented so it wouldve popped up a lot i would imagine and most daming of all both my husband and i had shared the post to our story too - she had viewed both stories .
I gave her 24 hours to acknowledge it and it really upset me that my friend i havent seen in ten years can write something nice and my own mum cant so i rang her and asked her and she told me i didnt even tag her in it or tell her i was going post it thats why.
i didnt even tell my husband i was going to post it that day i just did it as we had the photo prepared already and i dont understand why i would need to tag her in my pregnancy announcement , ive never seen anyone tag the nan before ?

its annoyed me even more thats shes lying to try and make herself look in the right as she opnely told me why shed ignored it but to everyone shes pretending shes the victim and ive had a go at her and it was just a mistake when it clearly isnt.

Just a bit of context
My mother is just generally a really petty person and will get annoyed over the smallest thing and will be funny with you for a while then sort of comes round unless youve really wound her up and she will happily never speak to you again which she has done to several family and friends over the years

Most recently she was funny with me for over a week because i didn't send her an invitation to her grandsons party. I told her the date and time and just assumed she would be there just like she has been for every other party etc - i wasn't aware I had to send a 60 year old woman a paper football invitation ??

She got funny with me because i had my husbands nan and grampy over our house for tea one night and didnt invite her - my husband invited them over to get out their house for an hour as theyd had a hard time recently , it wasnt a slight at her but thats how she takes everything

And because my brother told her he didn't think she needed to move out of her perfectly lovely house just because people park outside her house - its a public street and she doesn't have a driveway so no real reason to stop people parking there she just doesnt like people to park there . But because she didnt like my brother telling her he wouldn't give her money to move as he didnt think she needed to she got annoyed at all us siblings and refused to read my sons school report that i had sent her that morning.

These are all things that have happened in the last few months to name a few
and i usually just let it go and just put up with it but honestly ive put up with these little things my whole life and i dont want to anymore

I dont understand why because shes my mother she feels she doesnt have to apologise for anything ever and its left to me to make 'amends'
i keep getting told but shes your mum - i just dont see why that means i have to let her upset me and i just have to let it go . I feel like i walk on eggshells constantly...

Quite. It clearly runs in the family!

Well then the op shoudl be concentrating on rising above it and not allowing her mother ti get under her skin then having a row over Facebook. just ignore reduce what goes on Facebook and move on with life. you can't change your mother but you can change how you react. get off all social media. concentrate on your pregnancy and your life.

You don't sound old enough to have a child.

Personally I don't see the merit in constantly rising above it. Sometimes there comes a point where you say fuck this and but delete. Enjoy the peace and quiet for a bit.

You say your mom's petty but I think it's petty expecting her to comment when she already knows?! What more do you want her to say to you?!

At least you know where you get it from.

I think it would be weird if your mum did comment on Facebook if she already knew. The fact that it bothers you means that you were in it for the ‘likes’. It’s like a married couple wishing each other happy birthday on Facebook. Can’t you just turn to each other in bed and say it.

It is meaningful in private too, not just for the world to see.

She probably thought it if she had commented this would look like the first she’d heard of it, surely she has congratulated you in person instead?

You might have a point if she ignores the baby when it's actually arrived

Thank god I don’t use FB, I thought it died out years ago.

I hate Facebook. It attracts people who are attention-seeking and controlling.

You both sound insufferable.

A Facebook wall is just a method of communicating, usually with people you never see and haven't sent a personal message to. If you've already congratulated someone in person or via another personal means of communication, you don't repeat it performatively for the world to see on FB. That's bonkers.

She already knew you were pregnant so why would she need to comment?
You're being very petty and mistaking social media for real life.

First of all, congrats. on your pregnancy.

I had my DC before the days of social media. But if I had already told my parents about my pregnancy in person, I wouldn't have expected them to re-act on FB. I mean, they were delighted about my pregnancy and congratulated me in person already. So based on that one incident, I would have said that you over-reacted and were being silly to stop talking to your mother. Especially at a time when you're expecting her grandchild and might need support from her - now or later when your baby is born.

However, based on the other incidents you've described, your "D"M sounds like a bit of a drama queen who takes offence at every perceived slight. As such, she's probably really hard work. There's no harm in asserting yourself and refusing to play her mind games. I just don't think a Facebook like or comment is the hill I'd be willing to die on. Choose your battles and all that.

She did not like a social media post and that is a problem? FFS! YABVU.

OP, I would go LC or NC.

I don't use Facebook much but when things are said in person then I'm not bothered about it being said in Facebook, however...

It's not just the Facebook thing, it's everything as a whole. My dad's mum is a horrible woman, emotionally manipulative and just a horrible bully and some of the things you've said reminds me of her. The last straw for us as a family was when she sent all of mine and my siblings photos back and all 5 photos she had of my dad growing up.

I was done after that because my sibling were young and couldn't understand why granny didn't want to see them or have pictures of them. They're better off without her.

She's dying now and I feel nothing. My dad said he'd go to her funeral and I've told him I would go to be there for him and my aunts and uncles but I quite honestly don't care if the woman dies or not.

I'm the type of person that when I'm done with someone, I'm done. There's no changing my mind.

If you feel able to then I'd definitely go LC for your peace of mind. Don't let her use these tactics and don't let her know it bothers you because she sounds like she'd love that.

Congratulations btw!

that one made me laugh (a lot)

I dunno OP, but you all sound a bit enmeshed. Relationships are supposed to be fun & supportive.

Why did you want her to comment on your post? Presumably she said congratulations to you in person when you told her, so is the public comment thing because you want other people to see her congratulate you? Maybe she doesn't want other people to think she's only just finding out about it now via Facebook. I don't think I would comment on a pregnancy post I already knew about either tbh. It would feel a bit performative. Like I am putting on a show for other people.

Wow what a horrible comment.

I genuinely can’t remember if my mum commented on my pregnancy FB post of not. It really, really doesn’t matter. Kindly, I think you’re both being unreasonable.

@Atticus334 if you had already told her about the pregnancy then why would she need to comment on a Facebook post??

If I've already told my mum happy birthday then I don't need to write it on her timeline too.

By phoning her and asking why she didn't comment you were asking for trouble and shit stirring. There was absolutely no need for that.

You both sound rather odd and similar.

Just apologise for being weird.

She knew before so why on earth would she need to comment on FB this sounds like something from a 12yo complaining

Congrats you’re expecting @Atticus334. I feel for you.

I have a mother who’ll never make the first move to be conciliatory. She’ll always hold out for people to apologise to her. And, even then, she doesn’t make it easy or meet anyone halfway. Her siblings are similar, so it must be learned behaviour. They all struggle to openly communicate and easily take umbrage (as it was called back in the day).

There’s no scope to leave my mother to her sulking, as (like yours) she’ll hold out forever: hasn’t spoken to some family members for decades over an (apparent) storm in a teacup. Held out on me for 18 months when I was going through the most painful time in my life. In the end, I had to approach her again (treading on eggshells) as it was causing stress and hurt to the kids.

I don’t have any answers for you on how to deal with this long-term problem with your mum. Only you know where your boundaries lie.

One option is talk to her, let her know it’s upset you and, to be conciliatory, apologise for misunderstandings or for blowing things out of proportion. That may work. But in my mother’s case, she’d get defensive and feel attacked, however gently it’s broached with her that she’s caused upset. She’d hear the apology and take it as confirmation she was the sole wronged party.

Others would say set your boundaries and if she keeps breaching them, stop contact. Don’t apologise or pander to the bad behaviour anymore. That inevitably causes family rifts, which can make relations in the wider family very strained, causing stress to others. Some people can do it. But I’ve tried it and it eats away at me and makes me more miserable.

Having reflected over many years (and a great deal of therapy), I’ve decided the best way for me is to accept I have to reach out and be conciliatory because (overall) it’s less painful for everyone than her sulking/grudge-bearing/rift-making. I don’t apologise unless I feel I owe it. I acknowledge to myself the hurt she causes me by behaving the way she does and that it’s wrong.

I also acknowledge I can’t do anything about her behaviour and can only do something about mine, by meeting my own standards for avoiding and resolving conflict: humility, maturity, empathy and kindness. I know I’m OK. Her behaviour is her shit to deal with. If she feels she’s ‘won’ with her bad behaviour, because I keep coming back for more, who cares? I just don’t want to end up like her. I can break the cycle and set a better example for my kids.

As for the most recent Facebook incident, I wouldn’t give two hoots. Rise above it. If she wants to be that petty, who cares. Her problem. Not yours. And she (presumably) congratulated you when you first told her, in any case.

I hope this helps. Good luck, whatever you decide.

With the utmost respect, I do think it was pretty offensive posting your pregnancy news all over Facebook, before you'd even told her in person. Despite how she is, it's just common decency and if I were her, I'd have been pissed off too! Something like that, close family and friends are told first in person. Then you can post it on Facebook.
Having said that, my maternal grandmother, long dead now, was very much like your mother. She kicked off when I did send her an invitation to my wedding because I "knew nothing about etiquette"! My mum and dad had been divorced 20 years, I'd been living with my husband for 2 years. I chose the wording, along with the suggestions from the man at the printers, to reflect that.
But she always managed to take offence at the most ridiculous things, so you have my absolute sympathy there! I went NC after enduring this type of thing from childhood.
I'd say go LC, see how it goes, if things don't improve, NC. She's brought it on herself by her behaviour over the years. Just get on and enjoy your family 💐