Am i the one who should appologise .....

[Atticus334]

Warning this is really long ....

I haven't spoken to the my mum in over a week and its becoming apparent that neither of us are backing down and i just want to know if im in the wrong

Its a facebook related one , i know it sounds petty but it is just indicative of her behaviour in general.
i am pregnant and announced it on facebook - everyone in my whole family and friends etc commented lovely messages and she point blank ignored it

When questioned by my sister she told my sister she hadnt seen it - however she dosnt get off facebook and a large number of our mutual friends had commented so it wouldve popped up a lot i would imagine and most daming of all both my husband and i had shared the post to our story too - she had viewed both stories .
I gave her 24 hours to acknowledge it and it really upset me that my friend i havent seen in ten years can write something nice and my own mum cant so i rang her and asked her and she told me i didnt even tag her in it or tell her i was going post it thats why.
i didnt even tell my husband i was going to post it that day i just did it as we had the photo prepared already and i dont understand why i would need to tag her in my pregnancy announcement , ive never seen anyone tag the nan before ?

its annoyed me even more thats shes lying to try and make herself look in the right as she opnely told me why shed ignored it but to everyone shes pretending shes the victim and ive had a go at her and it was just a mistake when it clearly isnt.

Just a bit of context
My mother is just generally a really petty person and will get annoyed over the smallest thing and will be funny with you for a while then sort of comes round unless youve really wound her up and she will happily never speak to you again which she has done to several family and friends over the years

Most recently she was funny with me for over a week because i didn't send her an invitation to her grandsons party. I told her the date and time and just assumed she would be there just like she has been for every other party etc - i wasn't aware I had to send a 60 year old woman a paper football invitation ??

She got funny with me because i had my husbands nan and grampy over our house for tea one night and didnt invite her - my husband invited them over to get out their house for an hour as theyd had a hard time recently , it wasnt a slight at her but thats how she takes everything

And because my brother told her he didn't think she needed to move out of her perfectly lovely house just because people park outside her house - its a public street and she doesn't have a driveway so no real reason to stop people parking there she just doesnt like people to park there . But because she didnt like my brother telling her he wouldn't give her money to move as he didnt think she needed to she got annoyed at all us siblings and refused to read my sons school report that i had sent her that morning.

These are all things that have happened in the last few months to name a few
and i usually just let it go and just put up with it but honestly ive put up with these little things my whole life and i dont want to anymore

I dont understand why because shes my mother she feels she doesnt have to apologise for anything ever and its left to me to make 'amends'
i keep getting told but shes your mum - i just dont see why that means i have to let her upset me and i just have to let it go . I feel like i walk on eggshells constantly...

So sad for you … counting up your FB likes

@Atticus334 how old is your mum?? 5????

EXACTLY what I came on to say. I’m astonished either of you are old enough to procreate on the basis of this total nonsense…

As soon as i read that this was a Facebook not liking my post topic I lost interest, This is absolutely pathetic !

OP, most people are pointing out the pettiness of this dispute, and while they're right on the surface of it, I wonder if you feel it more deeply because you're extra sensitive to how your mum expresses her love for you. And because she didn't acknowledge your post, it might feel like a rejection to you?

If so, going forward, is there a way to protect yourself from your mum's small rejections? Or lower your expectations of her/take what small victories you can get? I feel like you're not going to change her, but you can change your attitude toward her. Not a psychologist or anything but I know how small things can hit you hard especially during pregnancy.

Ops refusal to acknowledge how nuts it is on both sides makes her as bad as her mother.
We can agree to disagree.

The fb thing I'd say isn't a big deal. But it sounds like the constant complaining and finding drama is annoying. If you shouted at her you owe her an apology. I don't think though she's in the wrong for this she's generally difficult though and so it's difficult to address that.

Your mum sounds difficult.

HOWEVER I think you have an unhealthy relationship with social media. I genuinely wouldn’t notice if my mum or indeed anyone else didn’t interact with something I posted.

The point of the FB post was to announce your pregnancy. Your mum already knew for a LONG time previous.

Why do you need her to publicly engage with a FB post about it? Anyone with any common sense would know she already knew. I think this is indicative of an unhealthy relationship dynamic between you both. That is the issue - not the FB post!

I don’t think her not commenting is that big of a deal (unless she without fail comments upon other family members’ news she already knows?), but the other examples you gave make her sound unbelievably hard work, I absolutely see how that would grind you down!!!

Fair enough, if you choose not to discern between OP’s doing something you personally wouldn’t, and her mother’s deliberate malice.

She sounds incredibly petty and unreasonable! However it sounds like you’re following in her footsteps in being annoyed at her not congratulating you publicly on fb. That’s ridiculous! If she’s already said congratulations in person why on earth does she need to say it again for all to see? You’re both as bad as each other on this one.

I do think you are overreacting to her not posting on your FB post. That’s completely trivial.

But you have probably been under-reacting to all her stupid behaviour over time, because she sounds like a right nightmare in general.

You're as bad as each other

Personally I wouldn't comment on a post announcing news I already knew. If I'd given my congratulations in person then why do it again on FB.

Wait...you didn't let your DH know you were going to tell everyone about the pregnancy? I know it's your body but surely letting him know would have been nice.

In answer to your post, sorry haven't read all the replies, I don't think you need to tag her in the post. I'm grandma and would never expected to be tagged in the post...the news isn't mine, it is for my son and his partner to share.

I rarely rarely post anything on my Facebook , it's generally a births, deaths and marriages announcement page 🤣. I write on it probably once a year. Once my son and partner had announced my granddaughter, I then did it on my Facebook account for my friends and colleagues to see, with their permission. I wouldnt have written anything without their permission or had they said no.

Sticking to the facts of the situation, it seems your mum wanted to be tagged in the news and that way all of her friends, colleagues etc would have seen it too at the same time. You also have to think do you want all those people to see it and comment? I have a very small Facebook with everyone on it, I do know. That's not the case for everyone's Facebook. Your mum may be in several groups (hobbies, knitting, cooking, whatever) and some members of groups get close, add each other to personal pages etc

As for the not commenting, it is a shame. I've always thought commenting on someone's post "is a show of support". Not really related but I got ghosted by my friend of 40 years after covid with no explanation (not to this day even!) And it was then I started to realise the ghosting was real as she's liked every single one of my FB posts in 16 years....and then it just stopped! It's childish to say "she stopped liking my posts"....but really it's "she stopped supporting me". Of course you want your mum to like or comment.

Moving forward I don't know where to go really. Sit it out? Like your mum won't not talk to you forever? Especially when a grandchild comes along! Write her a letter to say it's a ridiculous situation and we need to move on?

You’re more unreasonable than her. She’s already congratulated you.

Why would your brother need to give your mum money to move house?

You both sound like very sensitive people who get easily hurt and offended, then hang on to the grudge. It's not clear to me why you should tag her in a post about something she already knew about, or why she should comment on a post about something she already knew about.
As to the graduation photos: that was an event she attended that went well and produced lots of photos to share. A pregnancy is a work in progress.

Wow, YABVU.

Your mum probably only mentioned the tagging as an excuse because you called and confronted her about not commenting. I’d be pretty annoyed if I were in her shoes!

Why would you comment on a post like that when you already know about it? That’s the difference between your mum and your friend that you hadn’t seen in 10 years. Your mum already knew and had likely congratulated you in person. It was news to your friend so she responded with an appropriate comment. As PPs have said, commenting would be performative. Did your husband comment on it?!

It sounds like you have an unhealthy relationship with social media.

I thought this was a falling out over posting it on social media before telling a close family member at a glance, but we're actually talking about who didn't tag who and who didn't reply? And this has caused a fall out?

Ffs, you're both being unreasonable. Delete all social media at once.

Once more for the people at the back: IT'S FACEBOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

You've said that you have had enough.

I think the situation has grown up that your Mum winds you up and then you retaliate in little ways. You don't tag her in the Facebook post, so she retaliates by not commenting.
She's in a huff with you, so refuses to read your son's report.

I think that you need to stop offering her opportunities to do this over and over again, as it seems that you have been sucked into playing her game and it almost sounds like you are using the same tactics back on her.

Forget Facebook and its list of silly unwritten rules. This is compounding the problem you have with your mum and just provides potential for "innocent" slights and snubs.

She sounds like someone who likes to lavish approval one minute (your sisters grad photos) and with hold it the next. For eg, did she say anything nice when you told her you were pregnant. Take a step back and stop doing things that ask for her approval, as it seems she loves with holding it. Find someone to talk to about this and work on ways of dealing with it which are more sustainable and do not reflect back her behaviour because at the end of the day - you probably don't want to be like her.

You know exactly what your Mum is like, you know how she treats you. Therefore you know what to expect. Try to stop wanting her approval. Get your "approval" from people who treat you well all the time.
Stop waiting for her to change - its unlikely that she will but you can start recognising that this is her behaviour pattern and you don't have to react to it or give her "statements" or displays any weight anymore. You're an adult and you are in charge of your life, not her.

Approve of yourself. You have your own lovely children, focus on them and not your mum...if she wants to behave like a petty witholding (fill in the blank) person - leave her to it. Try hard to stop dwelling on what she thinks or doesn't think or the significance of small details and what message she is trying to send by that. I know this is really hard to do as it's such an ingrained habit now as you are longing for her approval. But start thinking - what's good in your life. What things would you like to do. Who do you love spending time with and try to distract yourself from getting drawn into this tit for tat pettiness she's been training you to respond to.

Is it not a bit immature to life your life on Facebook and to be so upset about who likes or comments on the posts you write? Presumably you told her you were pregnant and she has already 'commented' in an actual conversation. So why does she need to do so on Facebook?

My husband never responds to any of my FB posts. I have friends whose husbands post gushing posts on birthdays etc to their wonderful wives, he just says “I’m here on your birthday, why do I need to post on FB” and it is a fair point. All for show. Why do you need your mum to post on FB because you are pregnant?? Admittedly the later points seem a bit unnecessary on her behalf but on the FB thing you are BU

I don't see why you should apologise and I suggest you just move on. it sounds like whatever happens she will find a way to say you are wrong, it's sad but you can't change her. It all sounds really petty but I get that it builds up, my MIL is also very hard work. The best you can do is not give her your energy to feed off, let her find her drama elsewhere.

This is the trouble with Facebook it turns grown up adults into nine year old children, get over it both of you for goodness sake. It Facebook, it’s an online charade, a parade of who did what better than you. I’d knock it on the head and begin living in the real world if I were you.
You have obviously constructed the post in your favour listing all your Mums faults, I wonder how it would read if she had written it.

I think you should have told her in person first. I think most mums would be upset if they found out at the same time as everyone else on Facebook (I know I would!), but most probably would keep their feelings to themselves.
Edit: should have read your update! As long as you told her before you told Facebook, you have done nothing wrong. I wouldn't let this get in the way of your relationship though, try and make amends.