To tell family member that her husband is sending me nudes?

[5FeetToBeExact]

Hi all,

I'll preface this by saying DH's family are very toxic. This couple for this thread are his god parents and also his uncle (blood) and aunt (through marriage.)

They've always overstepped, been overly involved and just a pain in the arse. But I always kept it polite, kept up with the once a year visit and that was that. They are all heavy drinkers and a few of the family are alcoholics, so it's not something we really enjoy being around but I leave that to DH mostly.

A few years back I completely pulled back as I felt uncomfortable. DH's uncle sent me a picture of his shrivelled 60 year old dick. Waist down. He then quickly said 'sorry that wasn't for you.' I messaged him back saying please don't ever send me anything like that again. He proceeded to delete the image, and said 'no, I'll leave the rest to your imagination ;)'. I then said 'be glad I didn't see it.' I did, I just didn't want him to know that. He then offered to send it again so I could get another look. I then blocked him and haven't heard from either of them since.

I told my DH who was furious. We kept it to ourselves as the family are big drinkers and can do no wrong.

I received a call last night, with a furious aunt on the phone. Saying how selfish we are not to facilitate a relationship with them and our 4 year old DD. That I am selfish, I manipulate everybody and that I have taken their precious god son and nephew away. I was aghast at some of the things they said, but I ended the call and told them not to contact me again. DH has gone apeshit and has my back completely.
His stance is to send her the screenshots or the messages, with a short 'this is why we aren't comfortable around all of you, as well as the alcohol' and block. I am tempted to do this, as the names I were called last night and the things said were unforgivable. I would also want to know if I was her that her husband was sending dick pics to people 40 years his junior!

AIBU to send the messages and be done? Or is this asking for trouble? At advice please. Thank you!

I would get DH to send the screenshots but ALSO reference the aunt's behaviour.

Calling you names and carrying on like that is on its own enough to not want to have a relationship with them.

Send the screenshots and make it clear any further contact will be deemed harassment and the police will be informed. Then block and delete. If they contact, follow through with the threats.

Your DH is spot on. He should do this. Its one thing putting up with volatile alcoholic sex pests and their enablers as an adult. It's quite another inflicting them on your child. Let this be the opportunity to close the door on the cast of Shameless once and for all and before they taint your DDs childhood.

Drama begets drama. I’d send nothing and just cut them off. You don’t need to explain yourself.

Sending screenshots of the messages will undoubtedly end any relationship with them but that is no loss to you. It would hopefully also stop her badmouthing you to other family members but no guarantee. I might only send them to her rather than the wider family simply to limit the drama?

I'd let everyone know what he sent, but don't forward the actual messages. It's illegal to send unsolicited nudes (cyber flashing) and you will fall foul of that if you do, especially as you describe them as unpredictable, as they might well get malicious about it. Make it clear that you have kept the original messages in case you need to go to the police about any continued harassment.

Several years ago the uncle sent the photo by mistake and immediately explained that it wasn't intended for you and deleted it. He then made a couple of inappropriate comments that he absolutely should not have made, and you handled it. You blocked him and told your DH. You would have been totally in order telling your DH's aunt at the time so she knows he is sending nude photos, but you didn't.

Years later, the aunt has now crossed the line and offended you, which sounds awful. However, if you didn't feel strongly enough to tell her about the photos when they happened, it feels like DH is trying to get back at his aunt by punishing his uncle for something that happened a long time ago, that it doesn't sound was really that much of a factor in you not seeing them.

I'm not suggesting your DH is in the wrong, but personally I would not send the photos now in anger. Give it a few weeks and then with a clear head decide whether you think the responsible thing to do would be to tell her about the photos. But I wouldn't do it just to hurt them.

Do it

I would go fucking nuclear

I wouldn't send them personally. I'd message her however and say Auntie there are very good reasons I am not facilitating a relationship with you and if you want to known the reasons I suggest you speak to your husband.

But can you actually see the image? As perv man could say he sent you a picture of a flower or something or some sort of joke picture that you found offensive - rather than his actual dick?

And that is everyone's gut reaction, because this is so gross.

But I am not sure it's the way forwards with aggressive nasty alcoholics.

Tbh my first reaction to s omg you've still got those images on your phone!!!
But of course yanbu to tell the aunt why and if she needs proof and you still have it send it to her.
I would say whether or not to block is down to her reaction but by the sounds of it you should block straight away after replying and tell her that's what you are doing

If you send the pics then you are the one sending a dick pic and you are almost as bad. Also the original was intended for private use. It may have genuinely gone to you in error and maybe someone asked for one. By forwarding this to a group you would be way overstepping a line morally and possibly legally.

Maybe tell the uncle why you don't see him by voicemail or message. Up to you if you decide to tell his wife too. She sounds awful anyhow. After that abuse I don't think you need an explanation as to why. I think on balance you or DH tell her that her behaviour was out of order and let him know why you want nothing to do with him.

I replied above but missed the timeline element. This was years ago and possibly an error, his comments were obviously out of order. But dropping a bomb on the marriage of a couple who are volatile alcoholics in revenge because you didn't like the way one spoke to you on the phone is really spiteful and will backfire. Maybe just say you don't feel comfortable around uncle due to an inappropriate message a few years ago and you don't want to be around her because of the way she spoke to you. That's enough.

I'm not usually one to encourage drama but I'd be tempted to send them. Especially as the aunt is being so mean.

Honestly, in the message trail you describe, he will paint that as "Sent it by accident, then tried to have a bit of banter to diffuse the situation". He sent you one photo "by accident".

He's disgusting and they're all awful, you're not going to win here.

Just ignore and keep your distance, no matter how satisfying it would be to send the screenshots.

Eugh definitely tell them then block the uncle. What a gross little goblin!

There are no nudes in the screenshots as he removed them. But it's evident they were sent. Luckily so there's no consequences of revenge porn.

Yes, get DH to fucking send.

Picture (deleted)

'sorry that wasn't for you.'

'please don't ever send me anything like that again."

'no, I'll leave the rest to your imagination ;)'.

'be glad I didn't get a proper look'

'I can send it again if you like ;)'

Is that how it went? If so, bloody get DH to share along with "this is just one of the reasons we aren't choosing to spend time with you. The alcohol is another'.

100% get husband to send, or just send yourself. Who gives a fuck at this point.

THIS is the reason your godson wants nothing to do with you - he's a grown adult and doesn't need my permission but he certainly has my support to keep all of out of his life.

Revolting specimens.

I would absolutely send her screenshots of the conversation, call them alcoholics, and say now you’ve seen her nasty side too they can fuck off.
You aren’t selfish for protecting your child from those sorts of people. Don’t let your Aunt gaslight you into thinking you are.

@5FeetToBeExact get your hubby's to speak to his parents and see how they react! if they just laugh it off then there is no chance of any ongoing relationship with any of them! and why would auntie expect you to visit her and her hubby anyway? people barely have time to visit their own parents nowadays! your duty is to your family only and definitely not to his extended family. to be honest, rather shocked that they are his godparents, given that what he has done does not strike me in the least like a christian action!!

Precisely, which is why the contact came to a sudden stop.

Just an update for everyone, DH has sent the screenshots over to the woman with a supporting message of 'DW hasn't reached out to you or uncle because of your drinking and toxic behaviour, as well as uncle sending her unsolicited pictures of his dick. Please see the above screenshot shot as reference and please don't ever contact us again.'

It wasn't those exact words but it was something along those lines. I'm happy it's been sent and I'm happy it wasn't me who sent it! Just waiting for the calls from with held numbers to come in thick and fast now..

Why do men do this? Agree with PP some men shouldn't have access to cameras.

I know it's not men, but it's always fucking men.

I’d screenshot the messages and use Moonpig to make a Christmas card out of them, send copies to that entire side of the family and block everyone in advance on everything so they can scream into the void as loud as they want.