To tell family member that her husband is sending me nudes?

[5FeetToBeExact]

Hi all,

I'll preface this by saying DH's family are very toxic. This couple for this thread are his god parents and also his uncle (blood) and aunt (through marriage.)

They've always overstepped, been overly involved and just a pain in the arse. But I always kept it polite, kept up with the once a year visit and that was that. They are all heavy drinkers and a few of the family are alcoholics, so it's not something we really enjoy being around but I leave that to DH mostly.

A few years back I completely pulled back as I felt uncomfortable. DH's uncle sent me a picture of his shrivelled 60 year old dick. Waist down. He then quickly said 'sorry that wasn't for you.' I messaged him back saying please don't ever send me anything like that again. He proceeded to delete the image, and said 'no, I'll leave the rest to your imagination ;)'. I then said 'be glad I didn't see it.' I did, I just didn't want him to know that. He then offered to send it again so I could get another look. I then blocked him and haven't heard from either of them since.

I told my DH who was furious. We kept it to ourselves as the family are big drinkers and can do no wrong.

I received a call last night, with a furious aunt on the phone. Saying how selfish we are not to facilitate a relationship with them and our 4 year old DD. That I am selfish, I manipulate everybody and that I have taken their precious god son and nephew away. I was aghast at some of the things they said, but I ended the call and told them not to contact me again. DH has gone apeshit and has my back completely.
His stance is to send her the screenshots or the messages, with a short 'this is why we aren't comfortable around all of you, as well as the alcohol' and block. I am tempted to do this, as the names I were called last night and the things said were unforgivable. I would also want to know if I was her that her husband was sending dick pics to people 40 years his junior!

AIBU to send the messages and be done? Or is this asking for trouble? At advice please. Thank you!

Hi @Kat2C - I'm still getting calls from withheld numbers.

I've had nothing back from the police at all sadly, they said they can't get hold of uncle and nothing since. Really frustrating to say the least.
I've submitted my complaint and also sent a copy to the MP - MP had acknowledged the email (before the police have!)

It's awful, really awful but I'll keep making a nuisance of myself. Thanks for checking in.

I don't understand why they "can't get hold of" the uncle, as they say. Are they going round to his address and he sees them so doesn't want to open the door?

As far as I know it's only been phone calls as they are too busy 'responding to 999 calls' - frustratingly..

That's absolute bang out of order shite.
Maybe say you want to press charges for the dick pic and harassment. Record all phonecalls and log details and get your husband to back you up and anyone else who knows. Make a list of everything as evidence.

Hi everyone, finally 6 weeks later I finally get a response!!

I am so disappointed. There is no mention of the dick pics he's sent me. It's all just been brushed over with words of advice despite me saying I was eager to take this further, my complaint still hasn't been acknowledged and it doesn't fill me with any reassurance whatsoever.

Am I being harsh? Is this what safety of women and girls means now to the police?

It just seems very 'well that's that then, he didn't mean it.' Oh, that makes it okay then!

It took the police 6 weeks to 'finally' speak to him on the phone too.

What sort of fuckery is this!?
So so so deflated.

I'm so sorry to read this OP and I would guess the reason they didn't manage to speak to creepy uncle for six weeks is because they didn't even try for five-and-a-half! 🙄 If you have the stomach for it, I would be raising a complaint to the police about their response. Are you still getting calls from withheld numbers? Anything further from your MP? (You may want to send a copy of the police response to your MP with a covering letter detailing your dissatisfaction with it.)
Thanks for updating us OP. This sort of poor police response should be a concern to us all. 😔

I would absolutely make a complaint about the lack of response from the police.

The one silver lining is that you now have it in writing from the police that if there is any further harassment they can open an investigation. One further instance of contact from them and I would be straight down to the police station holding their feet to the fire over that.

But I would still complain about the way this has been handled. It's ridiculous that you had to deal with a social services investigation into your daughter when they couldn't even fucking be bothered to speak to the guy who sent you a naked picture and then repeatedly threatened you. I don't see what any of this has to do with your DD anyway. Do they report all families to social services if one of the parents complains about harassment by another adult? Seems to me that in the time the police spent referring this non child related matter to social services they could have called round at your uncle's house, and in the time social services spent investigating it they could have checked up on a child like Baby P or Arthur Labinjo-Hughes.

Have you asked to make a statement and made one?
Keep everything on paper.
Spell out their poor response in your response.
Query their refusal to let you make a formal statement.
Keep asking why why why.
This will all make a complaint easier to back up.
I really think the papers would make a story out of this.
You are not alone in your shite response from the police and the media love stories that will resonate with readers.

You have been treated abominable by the police.
I am really shocked at their deliberate attempts to prevent this being properly dealt with.

Keep requesting escalation of this and their complete procedure.

Thank you, I completely agree with everything you've said.

I did say I wanted to make a statement, I really pushed for it as I was genuinely concerned for my safety. The officer said she would 'ask her investigator' but made out like it wouldn't really be worth my time, so unfortunately I didn't do a formal statement. More of a 'tell us what happened.' And you're completely right, it was a total waste of time with SS, when there are parents and children out there who so desperately need their urgent help and care. DD has absolutely nothing to do with this and I didn't need to go through the invasive ordeal of SS calling her nursery she child minder, who is also a family friend, asking questions like 'has DD ever mentioned any domestic violence, or raised any concerns.' She is a happy, healthy 4 year old, she has everything she could possibly want and need and is so desperately loved and wanted. She's our IVF miracle, and to think I got more of an 'investigation' than a Pervy, violent man just makes me sick.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I am definitely pressing on with my complaint.

Thank you for this, I did get a reply. One was an automated reply and the second was that they've received my initial email and will get back to me in the next few weeks. I have just sent a follow up email this morning with what has now happened and the outcome. I hope it has some leverage!

I cannot believe the sheer uninterested of the police, I can see how poor women and girls in absolute desperate situations slip through the net and get killed. The threats don't matter until they are followed through with, and sometimes then it's too late. Threats to kill are allegedly a serious crime in the uk. Apparently..

But thank you to you and everyone else for your messages, the support has been wonderful.

Perhaps taking to the media wouldn't be a bad thing if I don't get anywhere with the MP!

I see no issue with your DH sending screenshots of this. It’s not like there is any positive relationship with any family members to spoil.

@MaybeALittle hi, we're really past that point now. Have a read of my replies if you want to be brought up to speed

They put you off making a statement because thatvwould formalise your complaint and would mean more pressure on them to action it as I think it would have to be part of their statistics.

Perhaps someone on here can clarify.

You can always say that you are completely unhappy with how things were handled and feel you were manipulated into not making a formal statement and that you want to do that now.

Ask them why was I put under pressure NOT to make a formal statement?

Was it so it would be easier to ignore my complaint?

Asking questions written down is always the best way.

Do this, if you have the energy (I hope you do).

It's appalling that they've brushed this under the carpet. Dragged you through SS etc. The Police have definitely forcibly steered you down the road of least resistance which is disgusting.

Given the current issues of violence towards women and girls, the Police' attitude is disgraceful. They need to be investigated for this.

Did you contact your local councillors/MP? Any reply?

We had a similar experience of one officer trying to steer us away from making an official statement. Our loony (registered sex offender peadophile car vandaliser neighbour) threw a brick at our front window. My 15 (at the time) year old DS chased him back to his front door and kicked the door a couple of times. Said officer advised us against taking it any further as my DS could be in trouble for kicking the door. Fortunately another officer came and took a statement. He said it was perfectly understandable for someone to react like DS did when their home was under attack. This wasn’t our first issue with the neighbour either. He’s vandalised my car twice and sent a blackmail letter to DS.

You’ve been really let down by the police. Hope you get somewhere with the MP. Have you contacted the police commissioner or rung up the station and asked to speak to the duty inspector and make a complaint? Sorry if you have and I’ve missed that. I wouldn’t be relying on that initial uninterested officer to “speak to her investigator”. I’d be asking why they are not following up two crimes!

the unevenhandness of the police never fails to amaze me. Women get arrested and dragged down police stations over comments on Twitter and real threats of violence like this they’re happy to take their word for it that they didn’t mean it!

have the calls stopped?

The police response makes me cross. Of course he will say they were empty threats, he didn’t mean anything by it he didn’t make number with-held calls yada yada yada. He’s hardly going to say yeah, I’m pervy old geezer, I want to put this women in her rightful place and scare her shitless, is he!

Fact is, he did what the OP said he did and the police are minimising this. Yet again, we have the woman being ignored, the man believed and nothing gets done.

Unpopular opinion but I'd just cut him off and move on tbh. I'd hate to think of the overstretched police resources being spent on some sleazy fucker like this as opposed to helping somebody in desperate need. Our emergency services are so stretched you have pensioners waiting on the floor with a broken hip for 12 hours.

God, so they’ve admitted he behaved threateningly towards you. Empty threats are… threats. That’s the whole point of ‘threat’ - it’s the bit that comes before action. So they’re actually admitting he was threatening you and they’re not going to do anything. That’s even aside from the dick pic and the referral for social services investigation. I would definitely complain about this.

Every woman who is reading this is basically internalising the fact that you’d better not report sexual harassment and threats to the police if you don’t want to be investigated by social services. It’s actually a huge deterrent - for the victim.

I don’t think the OP asked for an ambulance for dick pic relative? This is a completely reasonable use of resources, honestly, give over.

Yeah, I do get that. But things are bad. My colleague had a man try and climb in her window with a ladder before fleeing, leaving the ladder behind. The police commented that they had an idea who it might be but wouldn't take fingerprints from the ladder as they could only do that if blood had been spilled. The guy then came back and retrieved his ladder. 🤯

That is bad!

He's been threatening to smash my face in in front of my 4 year old. Multiple times. I've reported him to the police.

I appreciate the police are stretched but if they don’t speak to this man in person and see how much of a threat he actual is how can it be judged a waste of police time. Who knows what he’s capable of or not.
This is where failings have occurred in the past and there’s been some terrible consequences.

OK, so wait....there is NO MENTION of the dick pics in anything from the police, particularly in their 'conversation' with him? They spoke to him about threats (good) but nothing about unsolicited obscene images which are actually against the law? That's bullshit.

So women are to now assume unsolicited dick pics are 'no big deal'? That's bullshit.