To tell family member that her husband is sending me nudes?

[5FeetToBeExact]

Hi all,

I'll preface this by saying DH's family are very toxic. This couple for this thread are his god parents and also his uncle (blood) and aunt (through marriage.)

They've always overstepped, been overly involved and just a pain in the arse. But I always kept it polite, kept up with the once a year visit and that was that. They are all heavy drinkers and a few of the family are alcoholics, so it's not something we really enjoy being around but I leave that to DH mostly.

A few years back I completely pulled back as I felt uncomfortable. DH's uncle sent me a picture of his shrivelled 60 year old dick. Waist down. He then quickly said 'sorry that wasn't for you.' I messaged him back saying please don't ever send me anything like that again. He proceeded to delete the image, and said 'no, I'll leave the rest to your imagination ;)'. I then said 'be glad I didn't see it.' I did, I just didn't want him to know that. He then offered to send it again so I could get another look. I then blocked him and haven't heard from either of them since.

I told my DH who was furious. We kept it to ourselves as the family are big drinkers and can do no wrong.

I received a call last night, with a furious aunt on the phone. Saying how selfish we are not to facilitate a relationship with them and our 4 year old DD. That I am selfish, I manipulate everybody and that I have taken their precious god son and nephew away. I was aghast at some of the things they said, but I ended the call and told them not to contact me again. DH has gone apeshit and has my back completely.
His stance is to send her the screenshots or the messages, with a short 'this is why we aren't comfortable around all of you, as well as the alcohol' and block. I am tempted to do this, as the names I were called last night and the things said were unforgivable. I would also want to know if I was her that her husband was sending dick pics to people 40 years his junior!

AIBU to send the messages and be done? Or is this asking for trouble? At advice please. Thank you!

Pretty fucked that you’re beginning to feel like you’re the criminal being investigated and you’re the one who innocently opened a message of your uncle-in-law’s frank’n’beans while you were trying to go about your life. YOU were the one who instigated a halt on further communication and needed to call the police due to harrassment…. Ffs. No wonder we get hysterical.

I agree that you should phone SS to see if they have closed it. Also maybe ask them who made the referral - it won't be the Police if it's anonymous so reconfirm this. Checking on your partners horrible family isn't SS responsibility, it's the cops, so probably best to see these as two very separate issues

I’m guessing it’s a malicious referral from the Twits.

I'm so fucking angry. It was the police who made the referral to social services.

I have now got an update (through SS, not the police!!) that the crime hasn't been recorded and isn't classed as 'ongoing' so they've closed it. No contact was made with the family.

But here I am getting fucking questioned about my child's safety.
They've thankfully closed the file on my daughter but I am absolutely fucking livid with the police. So nice of them to let me know ay!!

I'll be making a formal complaint.

So they can make a referral to the police but they can't even be fucking arsed to speak to the person sending me nude pictures and threatening to smash my face in!?!?

Ahhh, got it.

I'll never defend the police again.

Make a referral to SS**

Sorry I'm all over the place.

Well if I ever had any hopes of reporting my CSA (rape) as a child, I'm definitely not doing it now! Nice to know they give a shit ay.

I'm not surprised you're furious, OP, I'd be livid too. It's an absolute joke the way victims are treated by the police (and courts) in this country - it really does make you question the point of the lot of them. And we keep hearing Chief police officers and Govt ministers talking about being "dedicated" to the protection of women and children, but it's all just blah, blah, blah - absolute bollocks, pure lies. They actually don't give a shit! 🤬
Please do contact 101 OP and tell them you want to make a formal complaint. Personally, I'd like to know why, when the Police thought your complaint was insignificant enough to close it without even telling you, that they made a referral to Children's Services - what was the motivation for their referral if they think your original complaint isn't worth their time? Lazy feckers! 🤬🤬🤬

I too would be majorly pissed off that the police referred it, so would contact SS to find out exactly what they reported as this shouldn't have anything to do with your child. Then in due course get hold of the police (not 101) and ask them why. It is not procedure to refer if they are not worried about the child so don't let them say so.

You shouldn't have to do all of this but they won't offer explanations unless you ask.

At least you know it wasn't to do with the twits (sorry - wrong vowel).

I really hope you make a complaint.
What a fxxking disgrace the police are.

You asked to make a statement?
So they have refused to answer your queries?
Closed the case?
Refused your request to make a statement?
Refused to update you.

But HAVE referred your child to SS?

Sounds to me like police intimidation to shut you up.

They are an absolute disgrace.
Unbelievable that this is considered serving the public good.

Precisely why I'm so angry but you worded it at better. I've had a good cry about it now. It's an absolute joke!

Yep exactly this!

SS has been closed and they've sent me written confirmation, thank god. But it's not the point is it. It's a disgrace.

Where's the support for women that the government and ministers are trapping on about?

I'll wait for it shall I!

Honestly it's appalling. I now know why people don't have much faith in the police, especially women in children. Then you've got documentaries like 'My Wife: The Abuser' and men and women officers are fawning over the (poor bloke, granted) but where's that for women and girls???

Il definitely be making a formal complaint. I messaged the local force on Facebook and apparently someone will call
Me back urgently. They've at least given me the crime reference number.

Jesus Christ… How is THAT not a malicious complaint AND a total waste of SS time? I absolutely think you you should contact your MP and the newspapers. (That seems to be the only way shit gets real.)
I am not in the UK, but was watching “Call the Midwife.” It is all about the deplorable state of things for women in the 60’s atm. I thought of this thread and asked myself if we have really, truly come much further. We seem to only get fucking lip service.

That's just it, isn't it, lip service!

I've not had an ounce of support or a single update in over a week. Honestly I despair.

Recent article on the BBC about a journalist who received phone calls from a man masturbating on the line, saying disgusting things and using her name so she was worried he knew her address. She recorded it.

Long story short think it took 2 years and multiple complaints to multiple police forces to bring action. It’s obvious why people give up. He was found to have made “thousands” of similar calls to loads of women. Police have a lot to do but have learned nothing about male predators and escalating behaviour sometimes.

I’m serious about involving your MP and newspapers. If police continually blame being understaffed then they need more police. There are lots of people supposedly trying to find work in the police force. Why are they losing people hand over fist?

Yes I will do this. I'll make a formal complaint and also go to the MP for sure.

Formal compLaing and contact your MP.
As soon as the police know the MP is involved things will start moving. Keep asking them why they aren’t protecting your safety after threats of violence.

Ask for a formal statement asking what investigations they have made, what conclusion they have come to and why that they have closed the case. Send this to the MP and Journos.

I too, am a survivor or CSA and am feeling the same rage. In Australia we see this in the news every day also. Lip service central. Empty words. We have even had a rape in Parliament House go unpunished.

Yet again, a woman and her concerns about people/persons being violent towards her, have been disregarded and case closed. The Police have done their 'tick box' exercise to engage SS so 'their work is done' and no further action required. I know the Police are fighting fires and are having to be reactive rather than proactive but this is ridiculous.

It's a bloody outrage that you are having to make a complaint about how this has been processed OP. You shouldn't have to be doing this but I agree with other PP's; write to all and sundry until you get a reaction.

It would seem that one has to make oneself a PITA to get any modicum of basic service from anyone these days. 😡

Yep pretty much this! I still haven't had my promised call. So I messages again on Facebook a the staff member who was going to call is off today. So why promise me a fucking call!? It's like pulling teeth at this stage. Allegedly I'll get a call tomorrow. I won't hold my breath. I'm saving all of this correspondence. It's utterly appalling and I genuinely feel like they couldn't give a shiny shit about violence against women and girls.

I totally understand your anger with the police. We have a registered sex offender/ peadophile living in our street. He’s done 2 stints in prison. He had some mad campaign going about people parking outside his house ( he doesn’t own a car). He has thrown paint over several cars and smashed glass bottles all over the road outside his house. He has sent 3 death threats to one neighbour and a threatening letter to another. We personally have had eggs thrown over our car, had a headlight smashed and a blackmail letter sent to our then 16 year old son. The last thing that happened was him trying to pt our window through with a brick. My son saw him and chased him back to his house!! Son was furious and kicked his front door a couple of times. I called the police, the officer that came suggested we not pursue it because our son could be in trouble for kicking his front door!!!
Another officer came and took a statement and even he said that it was only natural and normal that our son was angry when our home was under attack!
Long story short the police searched his house looking for evidence to link him with the letters, found child pornography (again) and he was sent straight back to prison for a year. He was let out (again) early for good behaviour. I found out last week that he’s started a campaign against his next door neighbour, throwing ornaments and bottles at their back door. The police apparently aren’t interested. We all know it’s him, the police know it’s him but there’s no proof.

@Newname71 my jaw has genuinely just hit the floor. What in the fuckery is that about!? I am so so sorry you've had to go through that. For you and your family.

Criminals like him don't deserve oxygen. Bloody good on your son for chasing him away and kicking his bastard door! He wasn't so big and tough then was he!

Still, the law wasn't on your side. That is utterly shocking and I'm genuinely lost for words..

Honestly it's appalling. I now know why people don't have much faith in the police, especially women in children. Then you've got documentaries like 'My Wife: The Abuser' and men and women officers are fawning over the (poor bloke, granted) but where's that for women and girls???

100%

Statistically, women are way, way, way more likely to be abused by their husbands than the other way around. So of course a documentary about spousal abuse is all about an abused man who received an outpouring of support while the many more women in that position continue to be brushed off and ignored.

Everyone in your street just needs to get a security camera each or a ring door bell then you will have evidence for the police instead of moaning about him.The police can then act on the camera footage of him causing havoc !