To tell family member that her husband is sending me nudes?

[5FeetToBeExact]

Hi all,

I'll preface this by saying DH's family are very toxic. This couple for this thread are his god parents and also his uncle (blood) and aunt (through marriage.)

They've always overstepped, been overly involved and just a pain in the arse. But I always kept it polite, kept up with the once a year visit and that was that. They are all heavy drinkers and a few of the family are alcoholics, so it's not something we really enjoy being around but I leave that to DH mostly.

A few years back I completely pulled back as I felt uncomfortable. DH's uncle sent me a picture of his shrivelled 60 year old dick. Waist down. He then quickly said 'sorry that wasn't for you.' I messaged him back saying please don't ever send me anything like that again. He proceeded to delete the image, and said 'no, I'll leave the rest to your imagination ;)'. I then said 'be glad I didn't see it.' I did, I just didn't want him to know that. He then offered to send it again so I could get another look. I then blocked him and haven't heard from either of them since.

I told my DH who was furious. We kept it to ourselves as the family are big drinkers and can do no wrong.

I received a call last night, with a furious aunt on the phone. Saying how selfish we are not to facilitate a relationship with them and our 4 year old DD. That I am selfish, I manipulate everybody and that I have taken their precious god son and nephew away. I was aghast at some of the things they said, but I ended the call and told them not to contact me again. DH has gone apeshit and has my back completely.
His stance is to send her the screenshots or the messages, with a short 'this is why we aren't comfortable around all of you, as well as the alcohol' and block. I am tempted to do this, as the names I were called last night and the things said were unforgivable. I would also want to know if I was her that her husband was sending dick pics to people 40 years his junior!

AIBU to send the messages and be done? Or is this asking for trouble? At advice please. Thank you!

@PCAMA thank you, that's insightful. I wasn't trying to speak badly about police as a whole, bur I do feel she's been a but shit. Not so much with not contacting me if she's not been working (although she said I'd get an update in a day or two) but more so when I said I wanted to report the unsolicited dick pic, she said not to bother. That's why I've just got an off feeling about her. It would just be nice to feel a bit heard. My husband is doing a superb job of that granted and so is my dad and family, but I wish I got a bit more support from the police. These are people threatening to smash my face in, in front of our 4 year old DD. It's not nice :(

Apologies again for the typos! This time I'm scranning a butter chicken into my face, it's always food and typos for me 🤣

I apologise if I came across as short in my response and I do appreciate that you're not trying to speak badly about police as a whole. Despite the PC part of my username (which I created years back) I am now a Sergeant and am very aware of the pressures that my officers face with regards to their investigations. I've had to threaten (only half-jokingly) to go round some of my officer's houses in the past and remove their laptops from them because they're logging on to do unpaid work on their rest days due to massive workloads. They end up burning out and going off sick, so it got my back up a little bit to hear accusations of being ghosted because an officer hadn't provided an update within five days because I know a least one of my officers would be absolutely mortified if one of her victims felt like that and I'd have to talk her down!

Being in the police it can be very difficult to manage expectations and we often forget that to us it usually "just another job" but to the victim it can often be the worst time of their life. I can't speak for the officer involved in your investigation as I don't know her and I don't know the ins and outs of the investigation - it could be that when she said not to bother reporting the dick pic she did so because as I explained previously, legislation that specifically covers the sending of unsolicited dick pics only came into force this year and therefore the uncle can't be dealt with for it but she's just done a terrible job of explaining that (and has perhaps been a bit too blasé about it). Or maybe she is just a lazy officer and was trying to put you off so that she had less work to do and if that is the case I won't even bother trying to defend her!

With regards to the ongoing harassment and threats I'm not sure if you're trying to contact the officer dealing or you've been reporting them via 101 but if it was just harassment (lots of unanswered phone calls or something) I'd suggest waiting for the officer to get back in touch. 101 won't be able to give you updates on the case but they should be able to give you an idea as to when she'll be on duty. With the threats however I'd be reporting them via 101 and although they would be a part of the harassment, I'd expect another officer to at the very least be in touch to make sure they do safety planning with you sooner, even if it then still ends up getting passed on to the original officer.

I've just had a call from child protection services. Understand why and I'm glad they're doing their job, but it's never nice for someone to call you and ask questions about your parenting. But I am looking at it in a positive way, they're just doing their job and making sure DD is safe.

Families ay! Who would have em!

Does anyone know what's going to happen from here? Children's services are calling the nursery and childminder.

I just don't want the nursery to think she's at risk or that it's because of us that they're checking on her :(

As an ex-social worker in Children's services, revenge referrals (if this is the case) are quite common but nevertheless need looking at as you suggest and families have a right to know if a referral has been made about them. If any referrer wanted to remain anonymous that was always frustrating for the family, but most always knew who had made the allegation.

Child protection will have contacted school/nursery/health visitors etc. Hopefully then the referral will be closed and this will be taken into account if any future calls are made.

Hopefully all will be resolved quickly. In the meantime I'd suggest that responding directly to these horrible-sounding people will perhaps escalate things even further.

Just missed your last post. When you next see nursery/childminder talk to them about the referral and ask them how they responded. Maybe even phone them. That'll put your mind at rest. Then speak to child protection and ask if they are now closing the case.

These things are a lot more common than people think. CS are doing their job and nursery, childminders are used to having to deal with them. If they (childminder, nursery) had any concerns about your child they would have already logged it with social services. Try not to worry, I know it's easier said than done but they are just doing their job.

Tbh I would log it with the police as their behaviour is escalating. Might even be worth going to the police station and seeing someone in person. From now onwards do not deal with them directly

Will the report be from the police following my report or the crime, rather than the alcoholic family doing it for revenge? I thought it came from the police maybe as an automatic thing that's done when there's a child involved in a report.

I've spoken to the childminder and she's spoken to them. Or just feels so invasive 😢

@5FeetToBeExact Sorry to hear about the malicious referral to Children's Services, OP - and you're absolutely spot on not to be annoyed with CS about them investigating - as you say, they're just doing their job. Maybe, at some point, you could share with the nursery and childminder the bare (unintentional pun!) bones of the issue with them, so they know what you're dealing with wrt DH's family and that it was a revenge referral. I'm sure they already know you and your children well enough to know they absolutely aren't at risk and as pps have said, they will be used to dealing with CS and no doubt already have experience of malicious referrals (sadly - it's a truly nasty thing to do). Stay strong OP!

I wish I never reported it now. This is all so much. I feel like I'm the one getting looked into here and people are checking my parenting, when I was the one who reported the crime.

Still no update from the police. That's why I feel a bit uneasy about it all.. I'm getting follow ups and enquiries about the safety of my daughter but no one's getting back to me about the actual nasty people who have caused all of this. I just want to live a quiet life with my little family without any of this crap. Really struggling to focus working from home today. I can't wait to pick up DD and give her a big squeeze.

Sadly, a lot of victims are made to feel like this, OP, but please don't worry about Children's Services. As @Bloke58 advised, you have a right to know a referral has been made to CS regardless of who made it - my money is still on your DH's nasty family, rather than the police, but I may be wrong (and even if it was the police, they would have done so on the basis of your DH's family making threats to your little family and DD being at risk of harm from them, not you). As the old Persian saying goes: "This too shall pass". Tomorrow's another day and before too long CS will have closed the case with no further action. 🤗xx

I have no helpful advice other than I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this, and for your dreadful childhood experiences. This all feels so horribly upside down when in a just world DH’s Uncle and Aunt would instantly be in a metric fuckton of trouble.

I know this is Mumsnet but I’m still sending you support and a massive hug.

Maybe save your efforts for those other than sex offenders. This man is a revolting predator and this sort of behaviour and lack of boundary is often a gateway into more serious offending.

Just another thing, professionals cannot remain anonymous so the call from child protection would have said it was from the police if they had referred. Also police should have told you if they were concerned

Just call social care for peace of mind

OP, you can always contact your local Police and Crime Commissioner if you don’t think your Police complaint being dealt with adequately…..

https://www.apccs.police.uk/role-of-the-pcc/#:~:text=In%20five%20police%20force%20areas,exercise%20functions%20on%20their%20behalf.

You have had better advice than mine but the fact you are happy (not the right word but you know what I mean) to work with them and are being open is a good sign for them.

they will do their checks and if nothing comes up they will close the case. If something does or they want to explore something just work with them on whatever the issue is and it’ll be worked out quickly.

S/S don’t want open cases. If they feel they can close a case safely because the child is not at risk they will!

I would actually be honest about the situation that is going on but not be “ranty” about it. Be calm clear and honest explain you have also involved police and family are also aware of the situation so you can keep the children safe should anything does come of the threats since the police report. You may find because there is a child in the home they take it very seriously and be an ally going forward.

it might be a report from the police due to a child being in the home but the truth isi don’t know

Thank you all so much.

It's all happened very quick. The call from SS was only this morning and they've already spoken to DDs nursery and childminder. The lady from SS did say she would call me back later so I'll await her call and ask for confirmation of the case closed. I know they're only looking out for DD, I'm glad they're doing their job as so many children slip through the cracks. It just feels invasive and like I'm getting the cross examination, not the shitty people who caused all of this. She did say she was going to call the officer who came to see me for an update, so I'll be interested to see if she gets back to her. So far my calls and emails have been ignored (or not seen!)

I'm currently midway through a jar of crunchy Biscoff with a tablespoon to make myself feel better. It's helping. A bit.

Keep details notes as this will be useful if you wish to make a complaint about police inaction on this.

Hopefully the will get back to you soon and will take it seriously.

@5FeetToBeExact I love your comfort food choices, OP: a very cheesy jacket spud, butter chicken and now crunchy Biscoff - enjoy! And enjoy your big squeeze with DD soon! 🤗

It’s probably the police who passed on a report to social services. They did it when my abusive ex husband was harassing me after I left him. I had to phone the police, in order to ask them to warn him to stop turning up on my doorstep. (I never let him inside and he’d bang on the windows and shout abuse at me while our children were upstairs).

I was told by social services that the police had contacted them per their standard procedures. They spoke to the school head teacher who was already aware of my situation and was very supportive of me. The whole thing got shut down very quickly. I got a letter saying no further action was being taken and they’d closed the case.

It's shameful you have had all the calls and not your husband. Could he answer future calls and point out it was him who sent the initial message and ask why they are not calling him? He should demand an answer to that and call them out for their cowardice. They might be making the misogynist assumption you put him up to sending it. If he takes charge of the calls it would be sending a definite message as well as stop the full burden of the calls falling on you.

With regards to the ongoing harassment and threats I'm not sure if you're trying to contact the officer dealing or you've been reporting them via 101 but if it was just harassment (lots of unanswered phone calls or something) I'd suggest waiting for the officer to get back in touch.

@PCAMA It is never “just” harassment. It’s so utterly invasive and upsetting, not something to be brushed aside as “just” anything. The police are utterly lacking in their support and pro activity here, it’s shameful.

I meant it as in if it was only the harassment and not the added threats then I would be updating the original officer as it would all be dealt with under one crime report/one investigation, not "just" harassment as in its no big deal. At no point have I attempted to brush anything aside?

I've heard fuck all back and it's been a week now! How is this so shit!?

None of my emails have been followed up. I'm actually going to ring SS to see if they have an update as they said they would ask the officer.

How is it that everyone can get in touch with me to check the safety of my child, but no one can contact me about the people who done this and why I reported them in the first instance!!

Honestly I fucking despair at the police I really do. I don't mean to be negative and I'm sure there's some good ones out there but JCF. Come and check on my child why don't you, but don't bother checking the criminals that are threatening to smash my face in!!