To tell family member that her husband is sending me nudes?

[5FeetToBeExact]

Hi all,

I'll preface this by saying DH's family are very toxic. This couple for this thread are his god parents and also his uncle (blood) and aunt (through marriage.)

They've always overstepped, been overly involved and just a pain in the arse. But I always kept it polite, kept up with the once a year visit and that was that. They are all heavy drinkers and a few of the family are alcoholics, so it's not something we really enjoy being around but I leave that to DH mostly.

A few years back I completely pulled back as I felt uncomfortable. DH's uncle sent me a picture of his shrivelled 60 year old dick. Waist down. He then quickly said 'sorry that wasn't for you.' I messaged him back saying please don't ever send me anything like that again. He proceeded to delete the image, and said 'no, I'll leave the rest to your imagination ;)'. I then said 'be glad I didn't see it.' I did, I just didn't want him to know that. He then offered to send it again so I could get another look. I then blocked him and haven't heard from either of them since.

I told my DH who was furious. We kept it to ourselves as the family are big drinkers and can do no wrong.

I received a call last night, with a furious aunt on the phone. Saying how selfish we are not to facilitate a relationship with them and our 4 year old DD. That I am selfish, I manipulate everybody and that I have taken their precious god son and nephew away. I was aghast at some of the things they said, but I ended the call and told them not to contact me again. DH has gone apeshit and has my back completely.
His stance is to send her the screenshots or the messages, with a short 'this is why we aren't comfortable around all of you, as well as the alcohol' and block. I am tempted to do this, as the names I were called last night and the things said were unforgivable. I would also want to know if I was her that her husband was sending dick pics to people 40 years his junior!

AIBU to send the messages and be done? Or is this asking for trouble? At advice please. Thank you!

Hi OP, just to let you know this has been picked up more widely

https://www.boredpanda.com/friends-husband-sending-nudes/?cexp_id=110656&cexp_var=7&_f=trending

I'd be sending the paper that pricks address.
I hope they do a piece on how awful the police response has bee .
Hope youbare ok OP.

OP write to the MP and copy your letter (or email) to the local police area commander (should be named with address online). Any complaint going direct to MPs and LPA commanders normally gets looked into and responded to quickly.

i am livid on your behalf.

Oh Christ. What's bored panda!? A news outlet?

Fucking fabbbb. Thanks for letting me know though. Anything for a few clicks these days ay!

Sorry meant for @TyneTeas

Also I have an update.

The police officer dealing with it finally responded.

She said that she hasn't been able to get ahold of dick pic sender despite a couple of calls. And she has been too busy responding to 999 calls to go round there. She is allocating some time over the next few days to try and make contact.

Well god an only hope that I don't turn into a 999 calls requiring response if these tests turn up and follow through with their threats!

Do I wait an outcome of this before the complaint with the MP or do just bulldoze it now?

Do it now.
You could have been attacked while she was doing god knows what. And how dare she try and guilt you with the 999 calls comment… the staffing levels are not your fault, but you have a right to be heard and protected. I would add her response when you complain. Not acceptable at all.

Totally agree with @MinnieGirl - the police officer's "update", such as it is, is appalling. Maybe you could reply to her "I'm so glad I've finally heard back from you. I was just writing a complaint to my MP about the lack of response I've received ....." If nothing else, it'll focus her mind on making contact with the your DH's repugnant uncle "over the next few days".😉

Could the bored panda article make things worse??

I don't think so, OP. The author has simply copied, verbatim, parts of what's posted here on MN and added their own editorial which describes you as a "heroine" (I wouldn't disagree! 😊). I'd never heard of the website - it's clearly American, judging by some of the author's spellings, but I doubt it has anything like the subscriber numbers as MN. In fact, it's just lazy "journalism", stripping stories from well-known sources and presenting it as their own original work. I wouldn't give it another thought.

OP, I've read all your posts but not all the replies, so apologies if these points have been mentioned already:

• Cyberflashing was recently made a specific crime under the Online Safety Act, and the CPS has new guidance on it. https://www.cps.gov.uk/cps/news/illegal-sexual-behaviour-online-including-sharing-and-threatening-share-intimate-images. The Act also covers sending threats of violence - see paras 36 & 37 here https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/online-safety-act-new-criminal-offences-circular/online-safety-act-new-criminal-offences-circular
  It may be that police training hasn't quite caught up, so do remind them.in your complaint.

• If.you contact your MP, ask them to also raise it with Jess Phillips, who is the lead Minister on tackling male violence against women and girls.

Wrong. Mumsnet has around 8 million unique users a month (across the whole site, not just the forum).

Bored Panda has 160 million unique monthly users.

I think you should embrace BP picking it up OP - nice bit of shit publicity for the police (yet again).

Thanks. I still don't think it will "make matters worse" though, as OP was asking. Bored Panda is a Lithuanian website and "the majority of its articles are repackaged user-generated content from social media platforms such as Reddit, Instagram and Twitter." As I said, lazy "journalism".

I think you should DEFINITELY email the MP and journos now and make it clear that police action has only begun AFTER Bored Panda picked it up.

Statistically, women are way, way, way more likely to be abused by their husbands than the other way around.

I always thought this but the statistics say otherwise.

The biggest study of DV ever (a meta-review of 1700 peer reviewed studies) found that:

• Overall, 25.3% of individuals have perpetrated IPV
• Rates of female-perpetrated violence higher than male-perpetrated (28.3% vs. 21.6%)
• Wide range in perpetration rates: 1.0% to 61.6% for males; 2.4% to 68.9% for women,
• Overall, 22% of individuals assaulted by a partner at least once in their lifetime (23% for females and 19.3% for males)
• Higher overall rates among dating students
• Higher victimisation for male than female high school students
• Lifetime rates higher among women than men
• Past year rates somewhat higher among men

www.dvaa.com.au/the-partner-abuse-state-of-knowledge-project/

You don't understand what you've copied and pasted and totally misinterpreted it as women perpetrating more DV than men, which is absolute nonsense. To understand the context of what you posted read this: https://www.abc.net.au/news/2023-03-30/who-perpetrates-domestic-violence/102034306

@AngelicKaty I find that really hard to believe. The CDC states 1 in 4 women are likely to receive domestic abuse from an intimate partner in their lives, as apposed to males at 1 in 7. This statement also quotes that male to female domestic abuse is much higher, that quote is from women's aid.

I know female to male violence definitely exists and I'm not trying to minimise it. But a convictions rate for male abusers is at an all time low. You only have to watch the documentary My Wife: The Abuser, to see how male and female officers are falling over themselves to help convict the woman in question. But women and girls who are at a much higher risk, don't get the same treatment unfortunately.

It's a really sad, sorry state of affairs and that's the main reason I won't be reporting my child sexual assault (rape) anytime soon.

I totally agree with you OP, which is why I posted a link to @SidhuVicious which contextualises the report from which they cut and pasted (and posted!) a very small extract, where the co-author of the report, Dr Brown, clearly states "It [the report] shows the 'most significant and consistent finding in scholarship on violence perpetration' is that most violence is perpetrated by men."
@SidhuVicious is either not very bright, is being disingenuous, or is a man - or all three! Whichever, I was not going to allow them to state such arrant nonsense about women as DV perpetrators.

@5FeetToBeExact I’m just checking in on you.

The charity Mankind continually state that men are around 2.5x less likely than women to report DV. If true, this would explain why official crime stats show a disparity.

The vast majority of other studies over the past 25 years show it being much more close than police/gov stats do.

Definitely send them. But whatever you to don’t mention the alcohol or anything else. Just send the pictures and screenshots with a reason relating only to these. If you mention ANYTHING else - including their drinking they will make it about you “attacking them”. Guarantee you they will. Because they’ll want to deflect from the real reason ( the dickpics) and minimise it’s consequence to save face. Do not give them that opportunity - or they’ll keep at you about you being the worse bad guy. Trust me. Don’t mention the drinking or anything else ok. Then block.

@Pippyls67 please learn to read the full thread before posting, or at least the OP's.

Thank you for checking in, I still haven't heard much at all. Only 'we are struggling to get through to Creepy Nude Sending Uncle and that's it. No response further forward.

I have submitted my formal complaint but it was an online web form type thing, so I have sent a separate email to my MP.

Still no further forward with the whole thing. Feeling so deflated and unseen. It just strikes to me that this just doesn't matter to them!

I've given up with the officer who came round and took all the information really. Sad sorry state of the times ay!

I don’t blame you. Time to do “Daily Mail Sad Face Interview”?

Haaaa! Well it's Christmas n all, and sharing is caring!

I think that'll go down like a fart in a lift but if I don't get anywhere with my complaint it's a last resort. Either that or the moonpig idea from PP. that made me laugh!

I am also not keeping quiet about what has happened, I've had so many messages and people asking 'what's happened? Why are auntie and uncle avoiding everyone?' (We all usually get drunken 'Christmas' calls around this time of year about how we just get together over Christmas and it's a shame that we aren't closer) and so far, DH, his half siblings and cousins haven't heard a peep. They've just heard that I took a picture the wrong way that was meant to be for his football mates.

Anyway I'm rambling now!
DH myself and DD have decided off the back of this to have our first Christmas at home this year, in our PJs. And I can't be more excited. Hopefully 2025 is much less dramatic anyhoo!

It's our first Christmas together in ages, as I've had a long cancer battle and spent the last 2 Christmas days in hospital and before that trapping to various family members. So taking aside shitty family, I'm so grateful I'm here for us all celebrate a quiet Christmas this year. :)