AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

[villagecrafts]

With so many children being born to older mothers, and fathers often older than them, it's normal these days to have a young family in your 40s.

I am an older Grandma because my own children didn't have children till their 40s. My grandchildren are all under 4, so by the time they settle down and have children their parents (my children) are likely to be in their eighties, or dead. Their grandchildren will be too young to remember them, and as grandparents may well be too old to take an active role in their grandchildren's lives.

At a conservative estimate a mother age 40 now, whose child eventually has a baby at age 38 = grandparents age 78 when their grandchild is born, and age 83 when they are five, which just might be old enough for the child to have a vague memory of grandparent, but not a childhood filled with happy memories of fun times with grandparents, like an extended family.

I'm really talking about our adult children, and feel sad they won't have the wonderful relationships with their grandchildren that bring so much joy to us all.

AIBU to think all three generations will miss out on this special relationship, not to mention the help with childcare?

My mother was a very young parent (20). I’d say too immature for kids and I had very unsettled childhood due to lack of money etc. . I’d trade having mature well settled parents for grandparents any day!

What do you want people to do differently?

I didn't get together with the father of my child til I was 38. We conceived after an appropriate time getting to know each other, and the first pregnancy to stick meant I became a mother in my early 40s.

My alternatives were to not have children at all, or try solo earlier in my life, or try to get knocked up on a one night stand or trick an unwilling boyfriend.

Yes im sad that i wont have more children and my parents are 15 years older than they might have been as grandparents. What should I have done differently?

However you want to colour it there are pros and cons to having children at different stages of your life, and one of the pros of having children younger is having more time with grandparents and also not being sandwiched between young children and elderly parents both requiring care. Talking generally of course, doesn't always work like that of course. Not saying it's a reason to have children younger, but some MNers are so hell bent on convincing others (themselves?) that their age was the perfect age that all rational thinking is lost. Pros and cons.

People are more mobile nowadays. My DPs arr young enough to be actively involved but i live 100 miles from them.

Well that’s because young people don’t feel capable of being parents due to their housing and financial situation. Couples are going to continue to put off having families until they have fiscal security and housing is certainly not getting cheaper anytime soon.

My grandparents were all in their late seventies/early eighties when I was born and I still had them all until I was mid-teens.

That said, they all lived in a different country and we didn't really have much of a relationship.

It’s very likely that even if your kids are 40 they will be around, healthy and active until their 80s now. Wealthy people always live longer, happier healthier lives.

I had my girls at 33 and 38. I was the fifth child of older parents who were already dead. However my daughters both have newborns and many of their friends have had babies a couple of years after uni so there is always that circumstance too.

I agree too. I am in my 40s but I lost my parents (they weren't old). I had my children in my 30s but I am mindful of this especially after losing my own parents so young.

As there is nothing in my post to suggest wealth, I don't understand your reasoning. So allow me to continue your de-rail from the subject of the thread for a minute...

In my case it is actually the other way round than you suggest. The dysfunctional family I was born into was what is often regarded as 'wealthy'.

There was no 'wealth' left by the time I was a teenager taken into care, and due to my (expensive) education being suddenly stopped a year before I was due to sit my O levels, absolutely no start of any kind to adult life, not even an O level.

And my late DH grew up in a council estate, leaving school at 15 without taking any exams. He went straight into a factory to do an (about to become obsolete) metalwork apprenticeship. That might have been what caused his early death, but can't be proven.

I still don't have any O levels, but with hard work and determination, putting the needs of our family first, we did OK.

All this has nothing to do with grandparenting but I didn't like the assumption that the joy I feel spending time with my grandchildren has anything to do with 'wealth'.

I feel rich, yes, but not in the way that was inferred.

I'm in my late 40s and never had any grandparents as all died before I was born. I guess I don't miss it as I never had it.....never really thought about it to be honest. My parents were both the youngest of their generation and I am the youngest best of mine...my grandparents were born in 1890-1900! Crazy!

This will be an issue in the future.

Adults won't have grandparents.

It has lots of unintended consequences

How many adults have grandparents now?

In any era up to now you'd be lucky to still have them in your 20s. My grandad lost two brothers in WW2 - lucky that I got to know him as my grandad.

There are tons of reasons why people don’t have close grandparent relationships. In my family, my siblings and parents and I are living across three different continents.

When I had DC, my Mum was only 50. She loves DC very much but told me in no uncertain terms that this was her time now and that she was happy to babysit for a couple of hours over an evening, there would be no full days or overnights.

Now she’s 70 and does more for my youngest sibling’s (who was much older having children than I was) kids but she’s in a different stage of life where she wants to be more involved.

Grandparents of 50-67 are often still in FT work, so just don’t have the time to do the things our grandparents did. Mine only ever worked part time and did a ton of care for me, my siblings and cousins.

My parents are almost 80 and they have a 9 month old granddaughter. My MIL is 55, when we go out it's my mum who runs after grandkids with me. She's extremely fit and has played sports all her life and does daily yoga. MIL is in poor health so isn't as active. I'd like to think my parents will be around for a good few years more. My nan was 77 when I was born and we had a wonderful relationship until she died when I was 13.

I had my youngest at 41 due to infertility. I sometimes think it'll be sad not seeing my grandkids grow up but my nan had my uncle at 41 and she saw his first born get married and have a child so you just never know. I would have liked to have my girls when I was 5 or 6 years younger but they came when they did and I'm grateful I got to be a mum. I can't be worrying about whether they'll procreate.

Grandchildren aren't promised to anyone either. Kids may decide not to have their own children, infertility or living the other side of the world etc.

My friends mum has been pining for grandchildren for years and two of her children have infertility and the other doesn't want any. Then my other friend is an only and he's got 4 children.

So you were 56 when your grandchild was born.

Thats young.

So not really who the OP is talking about.

OP, I agree with you. I think it's part of a bigger thing. Families now often live in such a rat race. The demands of modern life and most families requiring two working parents are very difficult.

Without a stay at home mum, and without family help, it's very difficult, with a lot of reliance on afterschool clubs etc which is expensive and can be tiring for children.

I wish I had children younger for those reasons.

My parents were 33 when I was born. I had my kids at more or less the same age.

My kids are 8 and 5 now. Parents are mid 70s and very, very involved. But I can see them slowing down and they also have health issues and are not expected to live to a long age.

This breaks my heart. I don't have any other family.

One of my grans had children very young so was alive when I was mid 20s. The other gran had her kids older but she lived to her mid 90s, in good health, so she was also around until I was mid/late 20s.

I feel very sad that my children won't have that. They are so close to my parents and it makes me sad that they possibly won't remember much of it.

Parents heled with childcare twice a week from when I returned to work after maternity leaves and not only is it a huge help financially but it's a much better set up for the kids. I work part time (some weeks 4 days per week, some weeks 3 long shifts) and on the days my parents don't have them it was a good mix particularly when they were very young and 4 days a week at nursery would have been too much.

I understand the need to be financially secure and in a committed relationship before having kids, but I do wonder about the possibility of encouraging my kids to start their families earlier, if possible.

Of course, they may not even want to have children and with the way things are going in the world I can't blame them.

My parents are not in good health and I know they worry about leaving me behind even though I am 41 and fairly capable, and they worry about leaving my kids behind as they want longer with them. I don't want to be in that position when I'm older, although I may well be. I know I would feel sad at the thought of dying and leaving my kids when they are only early 40s. It just doesn't seem long enough with them. My own parents were around 60 when their mums died.

I don't know. It's just sad.

I'm often somewhat jealous of the families with multiple generations due to them having kids very young. They have such long, close relationships. However there is no denying that many of these young (often teenage) mothers are having kids in unstable relationships and without getting qualifications, a steady job, or secure housing, which obviously brings its own problems.

It's not easy to get the balance right.

So, one more thing to beat yourself up about if you haven’t found the right partner by 30? Or should we just settle on anyone to be the father so we get the all important young grandparents??

We all do the best we can with the hand we’re dealt. The most important thing for children is a stable home and loving parent/s.

The absolute last thing I want for my kids is to rush into parenthood so I can be a GP. I don’t expect to have GC much before 70. That’s how old my mum was when my eldest was born and she’s still here at 89! My kids will always remember her. My friend had kids in her early 20s when her parents were still in their 40s. They both died before they were 50 and her children have no memory of them. You can’t control everything.

I wish that I had been able to have my DC earlier but I didn't meet DH until I was 30 so didn't have DC until I was 34 and 37.

Luckily our previous generations had their DC in their early 20s so my DC grew up with lots of grandparents and great grandparents (some from remarriages). My grandmothers didn't die until I was over 45, DH's grandma was the same.

My DC loved having all of those older relatives and have already said that they are sorry that their future children are unlikely to have the same experience.

Having said that they didn't meet my DF because he died aged 46 when I was 25. So nothing is guaranteed.

I'm not sure it will affect children.

None of my grandparents helped out with childcare.

My Paternal grandfather wasn't interested in his grandchildren. My maternal Grandmother was toxic and had 'favourites' which I wasn't and caused me more harm than good.

I think this is a nonsense and it's just one more thing to add onto the "woman's work" pile.

This kind of thing always reminds me of the mash report, where women just can't win.

I had one living grandparent when I was born - she appeared to hate everyone, including me. My understanding is that she had a troubled and challenging life but I'll never really understand why she thought that was the fault of her children. Life can be perfectly lovely with or without grandparents. It can also be unpleasant with or without grandparents.

All of this. I only knew one of my GPs and they lived hundreds of miles away. I don't feel like I missed out but then you don't know what you don't know.

My own DC have all four GPs - but don't see them often despite them being capable. Yes it would probably be easier if they were younger but even when my DC were little they didn't make much effort.

I agree with you. I don't think it's a good thing that more and more people are having kids at an older age, for a few reasons.

Women get so weirdly defensive about maternal age.

Well on here. Not noticed it in RL.