AIBU to think our grandchildren will miss out on having grandparents?

[villagecrafts]

With so many children being born to older mothers, and fathers often older than them, it's normal these days to have a young family in your 40s.

I am an older Grandma because my own children didn't have children till their 40s. My grandchildren are all under 4, so by the time they settle down and have children their parents (my children) are likely to be in their eighties, or dead. Their grandchildren will be too young to remember them, and as grandparents may well be too old to take an active role in their grandchildren's lives.

At a conservative estimate a mother age 40 now, whose child eventually has a baby at age 38 = grandparents age 78 when their grandchild is born, and age 83 when they are five, which just might be old enough for the child to have a vague memory of grandparent, but not a childhood filled with happy memories of fun times with grandparents, like an extended family.

I'm really talking about our adult children, and feel sad they won't have the wonderful relationships with their grandchildren that bring so much joy to us all.

AIBU to think all three generations will miss out on this special relationship, not to mention the help with childcare?

That’s because people don’t criticise maternal age in everyday conversation. So nothing said out loud to get defensive about. On here, people express opinions that they would not in person.

Do you really find the defensiveness weird? I think it's really obvious and understandable why people get defensive.

I met my DH at 21 but we waited until we were financially secure to have dc. So mid-late 30s.

Both our parents were in their 30s when we were born. This did mean that very sadly before my youngest dc was 4, two of her GPs had died. My mum also had significant health concerns so I have been a "sandwich generation" mum since dd was a toddler. FIL also has significant, long term health conditions.

DH and I had no practical support from our parents re the dc. Not one school pick up, evening babysitting, overnight stay. We juggled it all between ourselves and paid childcare.

I do sometimes wish I had had dc younger so that their gps could have been more involved. I do feel that my dc have missed out a little on that.

But the flip side is that my dc have grown up in a loving, financially and emotionally stable home which I believe is the most important thing a parent can give their dc. This was doable because DH and I waited until the time was right. That decision has consequences but it was the right decision.

I remember my grandparents - they were probably about my age now- 60s- when I was born. But they were old - in the sense of having been born before WW1 , lived through that, the depression, WW2. They had lost children to childhood illnesses. They were working well into old age.
They had little time to actually invest in their grandchildren.

My own parents died when my sibling’s children were quite young, and they call me their ‘bonus granny’. I am the aunt with no DC, so took over the role of gran - treat days, emergency pick ups , baby sitting.

My point being, we have created our own family norms and memories, given our circumstances, and I know my nieces and nephews much better than my grandparents knew me, or I knew my own aunts.

Wealthy grandparents live longer and healthier that is the truth. Sorry you don’t want to hear that while also panning older parents (most of whom are wealthy).

Both my parents are in their 60s but eere poor and they’re now literally at the end stage of various diseases. By 40 both of them were disabled. This was quite commonplace in the council estate where I grew up.

Meanwhile DH’s family was wealthy and mil and stepmil both do the school run, take care of childcare for their gc and ggc, and are always in some kind of fitness classes 3 x a week in their mid to late 70s and early 80s. And that’s the norm throughout their social acquaintances. Those who can’t manage or don’t want to manage the childcare element just pay for it for their kids and get to enjoy their gc.

It’s not a big deal.

My grandmother lived long enough to see her great great grandchildren. My children clearly remember their great grandparents. I vaguely remember my great grandmother but it's more of a feeling than an actual memory.

Birth my children who have children were young by today's standards but it doesn't mean they've settled for partners. They both seem to still be in love.

I think waiting too long can also mean that you settle because time is running out

One of my grandfathers died in WW2, I only knew one grandmother, she was around 70 when I was born and was born in 1900. My Mum had me at just over 40 so I am what you are describing but when it was slightly more unusual. I agree with you op, I used to love going to my friends Granny’s house, I just never had that.

It wasn't unusual for women to have children in their goryies in previous generations, but they generally were the youngest of a brood, so the oldest children would have had grandparents, but the youngest may not have.

I am the youngest child of the youngest child..... I only had two Grandmothers, but that was because they lived to be 100! I didn't have any relationship with them though, because they were not local.

@villagecrafts

Aside from the biological aspect of age and aging in general, one of the most significant aspects in my opinion, is the way UK society does not focus extended family. It barely focuses the nuclear family, but that's a different issue.

Modern uk society is set up so that some areas are much more desirable than others. It encourages a large percentage of young adults to spend 3 years in a location far from home at university rather than structuring the higher education system so that living closer to home possible.
It has completely normalised the fact than you move location for work rather than change work to remain within a certain location. It is seen as the norm to "retire" in a different place in the country.
Even "moving house" is part of UK culture, which is not found in many other countries.

This means that "family" is just not prioritised, even before you take into account people's ages. This is obviously on a societal level and not an individual one.

The Uk has wonderful aspects, its diversity, its adaptability , the desire to move and see different places and people all have really positive benefits, but you can't really have both that and a deep and meaningful connection to your land, your local cuisine, a house which is seen as a place to be a family for your whole life rather than an asset to be renovated and modernised before you sell , a group of lifelong friends and your extended family all around you.

I think that it's beneficial to talk about changes in society both at home and abroad. I also think that we should be encouraging conversation about both positive and negative aspects of change, because it often feels as if talking about a possibly unintended consequence of societal change is perceived as a challenge to the "accepted version" of how things are now.

Life doesn’t work out that way though so yes there will be lots of younger generations who won’t know their grandparents and Yanbu to be sad about that, but there are lots of people who still prefer to have family when younger so you can’t make that sweeping generalisation. Also it is a relatively new albeit lovely thing that we get to know our grandparents. Historically people used to die at a much younger age so if was rarer that children would meet their grandparents. Yes as health care and diet has increased life expectancy more recent generations have had the benefit of meeting their grandparents but even so I know lots of people who never got to meet their grandparents by some horrible circumstance or twist of fate. So I don’t think it is suddenly a new thing where our children will automatically miss out, it just might be on the gradual increase

I remember my great grandmother on my mums side she died when I was 9. My grandparents I lost at 17, 30,36 and 41. I lost my mum at 41 too.

My dds are in their twenties they lost their great grand parents at 6/8, 9/11 and a grandma at 17/19. Their other 3 grandparents are in their seventies. And they have a great grandad in his nineties.

Do you really find the defensiveness weird? I think it's really obvious and understandable why people get defensive.

Not to the extent that they blindly refuse to accept the nuance of the situation. I had my children at one end of the spectrum and I accept there are pros and cons to that, I don't understand why others are so insecure they are in compete denial, I don't get who people are trying to convince online when people here don't know them.

I understand what you're saying. My grandparents had all died before I was 19 but my parents (77 and 80 and thankfully still in good health/still drive etc) provided childcare for both mine and my sister's children. My parents were in their late 40s when they became grandparents to my sisters children as my parents were early 20s when they had us, and in their 50s when I had mine. They are extremely close with their adult grandchildren, have seen them become adults and now have two great grandchildren.
My children are adult and prob won't have children until their late 30s due to career and housing, but I hope to be a young late 60s grandmother as I will be retired soon and will offer childcare. It's a sad fact that my parents might not be here in another 10-15yrs.
My mum was a grandma at 46 and my sister at 48! Both altered their work pattern to provide unpaid childcare. My mum, now 77, still babysits occasionally for her great grandchildren, just for a few hours though!
It's lovely. I hope that my parents will live to see great grandchildren through my children but they are very active in the lives of the two they have through my nephew. My parents came to Halloween/fireworks events with their children (mid 50s), grandchildren (20s to early 30s) and great grandchildren (0 and 6) and see them regularly.
Sadly my grandparents died early due to cancer and I still miss my Nan, who died when I was 19. I'm 53.

It's not a modern thing. I was born in 1962, GP1 died later that year, GP2 shortly afterwards. GP3 died in 1968 and GP4 in 1971. All in late 60s/early 70s. I have no/very few memories and none took an active part in my childhood

@Defiantlynot41 you've determined it's not a modern thing because it's not your experience

Also, to add, my father's parents were not interested in us at all so....age is not the only factor.
My adult children are very lucky to have wonderful grandparents on my side and a fabulous grandma on their dads, despite our divorce when they were children. I'm still close to my exMIL and my exH is still close to my parents.

My own grandparents either had died before I was born (paternal) or when I was a toddler, I have no memories at all of them.
I had my own children when I was 28 and 31 , by the time my DS was 11, he had 1 gp left.

I didn't miss what I'd never had as a child but having a glimpse of it for my DC I feel aggrieved on their behalf, that they have had less time, and I feel envious of DH who had 4 grandparents until he was in his 20s and nieces and nephews (my DC older cousins) had the same.
But I'm glad they had grandparents for early years. We don't live close so never used for regular childcare.

Not as an individual, but I think we could make it easier for people to choose to have kids younger. House prices, for a start.

I had my amazing granny in my life until I was 35. She'd already had about 12 great grandchildren by then. I miss her so much. She died 78, so not massively old.

My own parents are 65/67 and their oldest grandchild is 18 and youngest is 1. Hopefully they will get to meet great grandchildren.

Children will miss out on grandmother's because they will still be working.

Yes, it’s a bit of a shame. But there are so many reasons that go into why people are tending to hve children later. Presumably your child(ren) didn’t have their own children later just to spite you? So YABU

This Dd works in a care home. A lady there is 99, her daughter is 78, granddaughter is 55, greatgranddaughter is 32 and great,great granddaughter 5. That little girl will have memories of 4 generations above her. According to Dd both the 78 yo so Great, grandmother, the 55 year old grandmother are very fit, active and involved with the 5yo.

There are pros and cons to having children late, people make the right decision for them (or sometimes have no choice).

I had 2 grandmother’s one lived in same city, died when I was 11 but was cold and distant. The other lived overseas and I saw her once or twice a year - though she was very nice. She died when I was in my 30s.

TBH I didn’t have a relationship with either. My children had both sets up to their mid 20s. The paternal (again overseas) were very cold and quite nasty and the maternal (also quite far away) very spoiling but controlling.

I think it depends on circumstances. While I think children need relationships with dependable adults, I don’t think all adults think much of children or value relationships with them. Some relationships are toxic. My mum tried to use my children as a weapon against me.

I am the oldest child of the oldest child and the mother of the oldest GC. As both my GM and DM were in their early 20s when they became parents, and I was in my late 20s, my DC grew up knowing both their GM and GGM, who only died when they were in their late teens, they have a brilliant relationship.
Similar on the IL side of the family, although I did not meet any of DH grandparents, our DC have an excellent relationship with PIL. However my SIL and BIL were much older parents (mid-late 40s) and have DC ranging from 2 to early teens (mine are now mid-late 20s) they have a different but equally rewarding relationship with the PIL, one thing that has made this is when my DC were small PIL were still working, they were retired by the time the next wave of GC came along and were much more involved in day-to-day care.